I remember her first bringing it up during counseling.
She called it the 'Trust Machine': a name innocent enough for me to entertain the concept. Perhaps I was being too naive, or maybe I just wasn't giving Kaitlyn enough credit for her tactfulness. I wouldn't exactly put it past me either way.
As our counseling session went on, even our counselor got on board. "You know, Kaitlyn, I've seen that machine improve many relationships over the years. I think you and Nate could benefit from it!"
To which I replied, "It's Nathan. Get it right, Dick."
We didn't meet with Richard after that.
But Kaitlyn held on to the idea of this 'Trust Machine' regardless, and once I researched what that name was code for, I understood why. She wanted to put me in a Transformation Booth! I was aware that Venn machines had been popping up in malls, but I certainly didn't plan on ever using one!
Kaitlyn's reason for wanting to try one seemed pretty obvious to me: she wanted to fix me. We weren't the dynamic duo we used to be, nor were we even a duo anymore — we were two individuals begrudgingly sticking together per fear of losing the other's touch. She wasn't unhelpful in brainstorm possible causes, either, it was just that I labeled each and every one of them as wrong.
So what if we'd been dating for eight years? The wedding chapel wasn't going anywhere! So what if I slacked on our anniversary? I got you an amazing gift last year! So what if I'm unemployed? You told me being a teacher was rewarding!
It was such stereotypical douchebag behavior that I'm amazed Kaitlyn put up with it.
All of this came to a head when I confronted her about wanting to force me into the Venn Machine to 'improve' my personality. Kaitlyn immediately broke down crying, and it was in that moment I realized that she was trying to improve our relationship, not me. Even then I could see the selfishness in my assumption.
Through sob-choked breaths, Kaitlyn told me that she was just scared of losing me and ready to try anything to get back to what we used to have. I of course questioned what she wanted to do to me inside the booth, but all she gave as answers were further allusions to us regaining our young love. I was admittedly pretty wistful of those days, and seeing that she was too softened my gaze.
I still fondly remember seeing Kaitlyn for the first time. It was after I had dropped out of college and wanted to find some resumé fodder. Having a horrible work ethic and no leads, I decided to take an unpaid internship at The Montessori School of Woodbrooke. It was a private school six miles west of Philadelphia that had an interesting hands-on learning approach for young children. Despite initially seeing the job as nothing more than some meaningful work to do while looking for something more practical, my plans forever changed upon laying eyes on Ms. Kaity.
The time I spent in my girlfriend's Kindergarten classroom was what made me want to teach children; Kaitlyn didn't just inspire her students to learn, she inspired me to teach. One day, I worked up the courage to ask if I could help plan a lesson or two, and what followed was the best job I've ever had.
But it was also the last.
I went back to Temple University on a flimsy FEA scholarship only to run out of money after a single semester. Me and Kaitlyn had begun dating by that point, but I was way too afraid to ask her for financial aid. The months turned to years as I hopped between low-paying maintenance jobs and internships at schools while Kaitlyn gave as much emotional support she could. Needless to say, I was unhappy. Apathetic. Lazy. In short: a real drag to be around.
So it didn't help that I had moved in with Kaitlyn during my downward spiral, for it meant that the person I loved the most had to see me at my worst. It had been over a year and a half since I began occupying her apartment when she first brought up couple's counseling, and as all this flashed through my mind while I was hovering over my crying lover, I regretted cancelling after a single session. Kneeling down to Kaitlyn's cowering stance, I promised her we would look into visiting the Venn booth and apologized for how I'd been acting.
My apprehension about going through with it hadn't ebbed, but the gentle grin that came across her face told me that I had made the right choice.
Sleep wasn't easy that night. I knew she wouldn't turn me into a monster or anything like that, but my dreams were haunted with 'what-ifs?' nonetheless. I summoned the courage to ask Kaitlyn exactly what she was planning to do on the car ride over, but if she'd heard me, she'd chosen not to answer. I didn't pursue it any further. I realize I perhaps should have, but the worst possibility I could think of at the time was her regressing my age to my early-20's, as when we met.
We pulled up to the Mall of Annapolis at noon. It was quite a drive from Woodbrooke, PA, but it was the closest place we could find that had a Venn machine set up.
Kaitlyn exited the car before I did and lead the way, clutching my hand as if I was a nervous kid before a dentist appointment. We rounded a corner, and there the destination was. I can still vividly see it in my head: the half-cylinder shape, the control panels and display right out of science-fiction, and the distinct lack of anyone else in line who could have delayed the inevitable. Kaitlyn happily remarked about us not having to wait for our turn as she skipped over to the booth. Kaitlyn selected the timeframe for my change and told me it was for a day.
That's what she told me.
She disappeared into the left chamber. I gulped. This was it. Entering the right chamber, I felt my skin crawl as the door slammed behind me and was left alone with Kaitlyn. Despite everything that happened afterward, I can still remember every word that was spoken in that booth.
"Hello... hello... Testing, 1, 2, 3!"
"You know I can hear you, Kaitlyn. Can we get this over with?"
"Nathan, come on! This is exciting! Can't you show some enthusiasm for once in your life?"
"Babe, I'm freaking out a little bit right now, so just input the first change, will you?"
"Not before you do it for me."
I sighed and did as she asked, following through with the promise I made in the to give her the trait "animal whisperer", the requestal of which I failed to see proper significance in. I gave her the cue to begin my changes, and there was a chilling silence in the booth as I watched her portrait on the screen between us tap on various bubbles. Looking back, I can't believe I didn't see the signs. The images of animals filled the display, but I didn't properly register them. The image of me was replaced by the silhouette of a rodent, yet I was still oblivious to what was about to happen. The red button vanished, and only then did I comprehend what was going on.
My perspective was instantly different; I wasn't any bigger than a doorknob! The booth looked oddly desaturated as well, and while I first chalked it up to some sort of lighting change, I realized I had gone colorblind. But that wasn't as incredible to me as my size: a single bolt in the floor was now bigger than my entire paw!
Paws. An icy dagger went through my chest as I held one in front of my face. It was absolutely puny. The nails on it were horribly ungroomed, and I could only assume the same of the other three paws, which forced me into a stumpy, digitigrade stance.
The sensations of whiskers twitching on my muzzle and a tail rubbing the greasy fur on my pelt were the final clues I needed to discern what I'd become.
I was a mouse.
After enough time had passed for the door to open once more, I made a desperate attempt to flee out into the mall. My skittering paws carried me rapidly across the floor as my heartbeat rocketed to a nearly supersonic rate, and the panic that filled my being was a stiff reminder of me possessing the form of a prey animal.
"Gotcha!" I heard above me at the same time I felt my tail painfully yanked into the air, eliciting a high-pitched chitter from my lips. I knew it was only Kaitlyn picking me up off the ground — I knew that. So why did I feel such overwhelming terror at being placed in her hand?
"Easy, Nathan," she cooed, stroking my fur in an oddly calming way. "It'll all be okay."
The lilt that she put into her voice in saying that sent a chill down my spine. Soon enough, I was asleep, no more than a mouse in the hand of its girlfriend.
This all leads me to hours ago, when I eventually woke up from my sleep to find myself trapped. In a cage. In Kaitlyn's classroom. As a mouse. I know reiterating that last point is redundant, but that's still the most curious thing to me — why a mouse?
I could've at least done with becoming an animal that wasn't as nocturnal. After waking up at midnight in captivity, the only things to keep me sane in this body have been recounting my story in my head and experimenting with my body. Unsurprisingly, every part of being a mouse feels wrong.
My incisors now jut out from my bottom lip to a proportionally comical extent and constantly ache. I had done my best to ignore the throbbing of my teeth and gums but eventually caved after coming across some twigs on which to grind my teeth. Gnawing is an uncontrollable need; I may not be chewing something right now, but that only tells me the urge has simply been sated for the moment and will soon return.
The instincts of this body are insane, as well! I've found myself picking grime and hair out of my nails on multiple occasions now despite hating the taste of it all. But my internal protests don't matter, for my body has communicated to my brain that some things just need to get done and has made grooming myself an almost subconscious act. It's one I seldom notice in the process and instead just appreciate the effects of afterwards.
Mice must also have a voracious appetite because there hasn't been a second where I've thought about anything besides stuffing my cheeks with food. I don't have a say when the desire becomes too much and instead just find myself occasionally wandering over to a bowl of meat and vegetable scraps to nosh on. The food waste that collects in and around my mouth simply takes a quick scritch with my paw to clear, and as dehumanizing as it is to say that, I'm just glad it's let me focus on satisfying my hunger. Appetite is one of many aspects to being a mouse that's been an unexpectedly large issue, but the largest problem is much more intrusive.
The smell. The musky, putrid odor that emanates off of my body is worse than what pet rats smell like, only it's made worse for me by having obtained a far better nose. Now I can really soak in the disgusting mouse stench — thanks Kaitlyn.
Kaitlyn!
The sound of keys rattling outside the classroom door causes my ears to perk up in excitement. Before the door even opens, I've begun to squeak uncontrollably at the prospect of finally getting some answers! I've had over eight hours to sit and reflect as a mouse now, and I can see how I'm in the wrong. Turning me into a rodent is certainly an odd strategy to make me have this revelation, but I'm excited for when I can change back and apologize to Kaitlyn the right way.
She enters the room wearing her... teacher's uniform? It is August, so I suppose it makes sense that school would be starting back up soon. But then... why am I in caged in her classroom if it's a school day? Something's off.
"Hi Nathan!" Kaitlyn said in an all-too-cutesy tone of voice. "You're adorable, look at you!"
Unable to speak, I allow her to lift me out of the cage and into her hands. "I, uh... may have lied to you a teensy bit," she confesses, and I stop sniffing the creases of her palm to look at her in her eyes. "Heh, it's kinda funny really — you're a mouse for a year, not a day."
She lied to me! An entire year? I can't spend an entire year as a damn rodent!
Kaitlyn must have the fear seep into my expression as I soon feel her petting me again, calming me instantly. "It's not a year year," she sheepishly clarified, "just a school year."
What's that, nine months? That's slightly more doable, I guess, but... why at all? It annoys me that I can't ask her any questions, and I can only hope she knows me well enough to tell what I'm thinking.
"I know you're probably wondering about the whole 'being a mouse' thing," she begins. Bingo. I nod yes, my whiskers twitching in curiosity. After a period of her hesitating, Kaitlyn musters an answer. "I needed a class pet for the school year and remembered how much you wanted to teach kids, and I just figured that a mouse was..." she trails off, and the smell of her tears fills my nostrils. Kaitlyn continues after a moment, "I'm sorry, I just couldn't lose you to your selfishness, Natey..."
My ears droop at the sound of her old nickname for me. Natey and Kaity — what happened to us? I know I really should be mad at Kaitlyn for throwing me into the body of a rodent, but the fact she had to go to those lengths for me to simply listen to her isn't something I can get mad over. It takes longer than eight hours to think about what I've done wrong, and there's no better place to rekindle an old flame than the furnace that lit it.
Over the years, I've gone from Kaitlyn's intern to her lover, her boyfriend, her housemate, and, what's been my most recent role, some douchebag that pretends to date her. That isn't going to be how such a perfect girl remembers me as. Not a chance.
It's time to be Kaitlyn's class pet.
I nuzzle my cheeks into her thumb and breathe softly until she follows suit, the pulse of her wrist synchronizing with my heartbeat. After a moment or two spent in quiet bliss, she starts to gently stroke my fur with her hand. The feeling is indescribable with words and something I'll only ever get to feel thanks to this mousey body.
"Ms. Kaity?"
The sound of a voice at the doorway makes us both turn our heads. "Oh, hello there!" Kaitlyn waves her free hand to a 4-year-old boy at the entrance. "I can help you find a cubby in just a moment!"
As more kids slowly filter in, she lowers me into my cage and promises to be back. I don't mind waiting — my brain has already started to buzz with activity. How many kids are there? How big are they? That one looks mean... I hope he doesn't get his hands on me!
I idly lick my nails clean of Kaitlyn's palm-sweat, grimacing at the salty taste, as she helps her students get seated for the morning meeting. The bustle of kids running and chatting is actually a little intimidating, but I'm all the while in love with how kind Kaitlyn is to them and how quickly she wrangles them to begin class, which I find myself being excited to listen in on for the first time in years.
"Everyone, I'm super excited to say that this is the first year we get to have a class pet!"
Uh-oh.
I shrink back at hearing Kaitlyn say that while the kids cheer at the news. "Would you like to meet him?" she says. What is Kaitlyn doing? I can't be the center of that many little kids at this size! As her students chant to see me, she leads the small horde of children to my cage as I begin to panic. Then, as several faces press against the glass walls to my enclosure, I see Kaitlyn mouth two words over the heads of her students:
"For me?"
Remembering why I agreed to be the class pet in the first place, I try to overpower my instincts and remain calm. Kaitlyn tells the kids to back up in order to lift me out of my cage and, more importantly, out of the kids' reach. She cups me in her hands and walks to the carpet area, the proximity of her nostrils' exhalations sending a chill down my spine.
"Okay, everyone, gather 'round!" she calls out, getting the kids to form a circle around me on the ground. "This is Gnawthaniel, our new pet!"
I may not be able to speak, but the deadpan glare I shoot Kaitlyn conveys precisely what I think of her little pun.
She giggles. "Mice are incredible creatures! They can smell things from really far away, hear the quietest noises, and—"
"Ms. Kaity, the mousey peed!"
I look down, confirming that I have indeed pissed myself. Damnit, I was worried this would happen! I'm not incontinent, just an animal — animals don't have a problem peeing in front of a Kindergarten classroom. Animals also have very few reservations about pooping, apparently, as the sound of pellets hitting the floor tells me I really need to not be in front of children right now.
I expect the kids to exclaim in disgust but instead hear nothing but laughs from the group, easing my tension even further. I look up to Kaitlyn and see a look of pure joy I haven't seen in years at how things have turned out. If mice could smile, I'd be beaming right now.
==-==-== ☼ ==-==-==
Kaitlyn never left me in the cage for long. She let me roam free almost every occasion she could, the few times she didn't being whenever a diaper-wearer in the classroom had an accident. But, hey — protecting your boyfriend from being sat on by a kid in a loaded diaper is all part of being a good girlfriend.
She often engaged me in lessons and even planned them out with me present. It was so cute how many ways Kaitlyn could find to include me in the teaching process. She had me scramble up letter tiles for Vocabulary, select random numbers from a bag for Math equation, and even spin a globe numerous times for Geography. The days I found the most fun were Fridays, though, since they were always Art day and, at the risk of sounding too juvenile, I'm extremely proud some of the paw-paintings I've made during the school year.
It was through this cycle of observing and participating in Kaitlyn's class that I reaffirmed what an amazing person Kaitlyn was and still is. The way she always tried so hard to entertain me when the kids were at recess... How kind she was to even the unruliest her students... Those risque jokes she snuck into lessons because she knew I was listening...
How could I have ever lost sight of all that?
I still haven't figured that out. After countless nighttimes spent in contemplative thought, I haven't been able to determine just how I could have been so tormentative to Kaitlyn to the point where she felt forced to turn to the Trust Machine.
I'm glad she did, though. Being a mouse has been eye-opening for me, in a weird sort of way. I have so much more to appreciate than from before using that booth at the mall: color, continence, thumbs, showers, and, most importantly of all, Kaitlyn.
Today was the last day of school, and that means that tomorrow is the day; I'm going to be human again soon. Even though my fur feels so snug around my body and my instincts feel like unshakeable friends, I'm still looking forward to it. I know it's been hard on Kaitlyn to see nothing but a mouse when looking at me, and it's been hard on me to be unable to say anything to her.
As I slowly doze to sleep, I get to wondering what to become for next year's class pet.