TF (multi)

As he walked from the car park to his office in the shopping mall, Greg was whistling happily. It was a good day to be the general manager of the Belmore Mall. New refurbishment over, new tenants settled in. He prided himself on running a tight and happy ship. We are, he often said, in the business of human happiness.

He saw Margaret, the deputy manager, coming towards him and gave her a cheerful grin. “Ready for opening? It’s going to be a great day!”

“What? Sure. Greg, they’re here!”

“They’re … here?”

“The boxes!”

And just like that the day went to hell.

*

“Security alerted me when I got in. They tried you at home, but you must have just left.”

“How … how many?”

“Just the one. But you know what happens - the more demand there is, the more boxes the mall gets."

“And no one knows how they got here?”

“Security’s checking the camera footage. But it looks like just the same as at the Springfield mall. One second they’re not there, the next they are.”

For a moment Greg had wild fantasies of burning the boxes down, or dragging them away. Fat chance. Management at various malls had tried everything up to and including explosives. The boxes survived.

“Security’s on it, right?”

“Yeah, we’re lucky we’ve got Julian in charge. He used to work at the old Clancy Mall. He’s had experience with these things.”

“I guess it was inevitable. We’re probably one of the last malls to get them.”

“Yeah, actually it was the smaller malls that they started showing up in first. Then they spread to the cities. But yes, we’ve been lucky.”

Until now.

Greg and Margaret stared at the booths, at the three circles lazily spinning around, at the crescents that showed the duration of the changes.

The Venn machines had arrived in Belmore.

Ah well, maybe it wouldn’t be that bad. After all, if life gave you lemons, you made lemonade.

Of course, no one told you what to do if the lemonade you made from those lemons was bitter and undrinkable.

*

Actually, the day was kind of quiet.

Julian had rearranged security to keep an eye on the Venn machines, which had appeared between the open air food court and the ATM court. They couldn’t stop anyone from using them, of course, but they wanted to be prepared. Margaret had made a brief round warning the retailers of what they might expect, and Greg had composed a long memo to head office.

Still, they all knew it would take time for the news to filter through to the kids, who would be the most likely troublemakers.

Inevitably, though, it did.

*

It was Forever 21 which was the first victim.

Bailey was the shop assistant who noticed the nude mannequin in the window. At first she thought someone was in the middle of dressing it. Then it swivelled its head around, as if looking for someone.

“Um, excuse me, miss?” she said, approaching.

The mannequin turned to look at her.

“I can’t help noticing that you’re, uh, naked.”

“Sorry, yeah, you’re right,” the mannequin said. Its arms swivelled around. It was rather creepy to see the joins where its parts met.

“So …” the mannequin added. “Hadn’t you better dress me?”

“Dress you?”

“Well, yes. Then I won’t be naked.”

“Oh … if I get you clothes, you won’t simply change back to human and walk off with them?”

“Of course not! That would be stealing! Besides, I won’t be human again for eight hours.”

“But you can walk, right? That’s how you got here?”

Sigh. “Yeah, you got me. But I’m much more interested in showcasing your fine designs than in stealing them.”

Bailey grinned. Her first Venner! “Okay, wait here, miss, and I’ll go get some dresses for you.”

“Believe me, I’m not going anywhere,” the mannequin shouted after her. “Oh, and it’s mister!”

*
The Cheeseburger Factory was next.

Ed approached the guy at the table. “Hi, can I help you … uh … what’s that?”

There was a bucket of green jelly on the seat opposite the diner.

“Sorry, sir, you can only consume food bought on the premises here.”

The diner glowered at him. “How dare you! That’s not food, that’s Helen.”

“Uh, Helen?”

“My partner.”

“Oh. And … she’s green jelly.”

“Goo. She’s goo. Helen’s always wanted to be a goo girl.”

Ed peered into the bucket again. Was it his imagination or did it kind of wiggle?

“Lots of goo, not a lot of girl,” he said.

The diner grinned apologetically. “Yeah, I figured that too. Well, we’re both new to Venn machines.”

Ah! The Venn machines!

“I mean, you should see what she did to me.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah, it’s making it kind of hard to walk.”

Ed flinched sympathetically. “So, what’ll you have?”

“Uh, I’ll have the cheeseburger and fries and a large Diet Coke.”

“Sure.”

“And Helen will have a jug of ice water.”

“No problem.”

“Thanks. If you can just pour it all over her?”

*

At the sports store …

“Hi, can you help me?”

“Sure, if I can.”

“I’m looking for racquet covers.”

“For tennis or squash racquets?”

“Oh, hang on, I’ll ask … Hey Layla, are you a tennis or squash racquet?”

Silence.

“Oh, gee, I thought she could talk. My mistake.”

“Don’t worry about it. That’s a tennis racquet, by the way.”

“It is? Great! I’ll take one cover.”

“Okay.”

“Hey, would it be all right if you came to the Venn machine with me after I buy it … so I can copy it?”

“Copy it?”

“C’mon, dude, you can’t tell me you’ve never wanted to totally cover your girlfriend.”

*

Kevin had never been so scared in his life.

He stood frozen in terror as the xenomorph towered over him.

Its obscene elongated head swivelled in his direction, its slavering jaws open. Its smooth, slick skin was horrifying. Its claws were fearsome.

It spoke, and oh God, it didn’t need words, it just seemed to pulse its desires into his head, invading Kevin’s skull.

And it said …

**One Big Mac and a box of cookies, thank you.**

And just like that the spell was broken.

“Um, sorry sir, we don’t serve xenomorphs.”

**What! Why?**

“Store policy,” Kevin said, pointing to the notice above his head. It read: “WE DO NOT SERVE XENOMORPHS OR GIANT SPIDERS. THANKS FOR YOUR UNDERSTANDING.”

**This is prejudice, man! Total prejudice!**

“Yeah, sorry again. If it was up to me …”

**They serve xenomorphs at the Clancy Mall!**

“Look, dude, I just work here. I don’t make the rules. Why don’t you try Burger King?”

**Ah, their chicken nuggets suck. And they don’t do cookies either.**

“Listen, I can’t do anything about the burger … but …”

And Kevin slid a box of cookies over the counter.

**Aw, thanks, man. Sorry about ranting a bit.**

“Sure, fine.”

**And, uh, sorry about the drool on the counter.**

“Okay.”

Kevin watched as the monster exited the McDonald’s. There was no one in line after him. Funny, that.

*

“Can I help you?”

Naomi had seen a lot in her year working the counter. It was a Victoria’s Secret, after all.

Three identical women was a new one.

“You sure can!” beamed the first one.

“We saw this corset …” the second one added.

“And we were wondering …” said number three.

And together, they chorused:

“Do you have two more just like it?”

*

Julian watched as the dude walked by next to a six foot tall praying mantis.

“I just don’t understand how I can change you, but you can’t change me,” the dude said.

“You’re just not mature enough for the Venn machine to change you, Quentin,” the praying mantis said.

“I am too mature enough! I am! I am!”

“I think you’re just proving the Venn machine’s point.”

“Oh, so answer me this, Tania - why a freakin’ praying mantis?”

“Are you kidding? All my life my mom’s been urging me to lose 10 pounds! I’ve never been skinnier in my life!”

“Well, I sure hope we’re having sex tonight.”

“Uh, you do know what a praying mantis does, right?”

Julian flinched. Good luck, dude, he thought sympathetically.

His mobile rang. “Hello, security.”

“Hey, it’s Dennis.”

“Dennis, my man! How you doing?”

“Good, man. Hey, I heard you got Venn machines over there. Finally!”

“Yeah, I was surprised it took this long too.”

“So how was the first day?”

“Quiet. Really quiet. No big snakes, no guys trying to turn their girlfriends into guns. Everybody’s been good natured about it.”

“Great! Hope it stays that way. Well, listen, we’ll catch up some time. Maybe go get a beer.”

“Sure. Give my regards to Iris.”

“Yeah, when she has ears again, I will.”

“Ears again?”

“Yeah, I’m off shift now. Iris came to pick me up, and well …”

“Say no more, man. See you!”

And as Julian ended the call, he heard shouting. He turned.

There in the fountain. A mound of bubble bath.

That had arms made of bubble bath, and a head made of bubble bath, and a mouth that was yelling: “WHA-HOO!”

Julian grinned. Ah, how he’d missed this.

And off he went, ready to burst this guy’s bubbles.

NOTE: This story was changed to reflect the fact that Burger King's Whoppers are not as bad as their chicken nuggets.