TF (multi - animal, inanimate, mild TG)
When the phone rang, Casey put on her best professional voice.
“Hello, Change Partners, Venning the friendless since 2015!” she said brightly. “Can I help you?”
“Uh, yeah, maybe?” said the voice on the other end of the line - male and extremely nervous, as nearly all the callers were. “Uh, can you tell me more about your services?”
Casey suppressed a sigh. All the info was on their website, but 90 per cent of the time people still asked her to run through what Change Partners actually did. She knew it was a delaying tactic - the callers had something they wanted to ask but were still too embarrassed to do so - so she ran through her usual spiel.
“Well, you know what a Venn machine is?”
“Oh, yeah. They’re incredible.”
“They sure are! You can be anything you can think of, and a few you can’t. But of course, you need two people to Venn. Which is fine for most people, but what about us loners out there? Don’t we deserve a transformation too?
“That’s where Change Partners comes in! For a small fee, we’ll accompany you to the Venn machines at the Irving Mall, listen to your specifications, and transform you to the object of your desire. We can look after you if you’re inanimate, and then return you to your usual form.”
Silence at the other end.
“Anything else you’d like to know?”
“Er … do we get to change you too?”
This time she was sure her sigh was audible.
“Yes, for a small additional fee you can change us too. For obvious reasons we are unable to be transformed into inanimate objects, mindless creatures or xenomorphs.”
“Why not xenomorphs?”
“Too hard to answer the phones. Any other questions?”
“Where do we meet?”
“We actually have a storefront on the third floor of the Irving Mall. Otherwise we can meet at the Venn machines themselves, next to the ATMs on the ground floor. You’ll know me by my red Change Partners T-shirt.”
More silence.
“So, what do you say?” she said cheerfully. “Are you in?”
“OK. I’ll be there in 15 minutes. My name’s Kevin.”
“And can I ask what I’ll be transforming you into, Kevin?”
Mumble mumble mumble.
“I’m sorry, sir?”
And suddenly Kevin was clear as day.
“I want to be a box of chocolates.”
Casey didn’t miss a beat.
“Soft or hard centres?”
*
“Slow night?”
Faith walked into the store wearing her Change Partners T-shirt.
“Not the busiest,” Casey admitted. Hell, none of them were, but they’d only been open two weeks. Word would get around.
“Oh, and by the way, Faith, where the hell have you been?”
Faith held up her cigarettes. “Taking a smoky treat break.”
“Oh.” Casey settled back in her chair. “I don’t know how you can poison your body like that.”
“Me neither, but there you go.” Faith dropped into her own chair. “And you can speak, Ms Huge Box Of Chocolates On Your Desk.”
“That,” Casey pointed out, “is a client.”
“Really?” Faith leant over, peeking inside the heart-shaped box. “He wanted to be chocolates?”
“How do you know it’s a he? Could be a she.”
“I’ll bet $50 it’s a he.”
Casey sighed. “I’m not taking the bet. It’s a he. Kevin, in fact.”
Fath waved to the chocolates. “Hi, Kevin!”
“That’s enough.” Casey closed the box. “Even a box of chocolates deserves some privacy.”
“I suppose.” Faith did a double take. “Hey, Casey, is it my imagination or are you a bit more … pneumatic than usual?”
“Kevin again.” Casey pulled her T-shirt down over her boobs. “He paid the 15 per cent fee to change me too.”
“You’re up … what, two sizes?”
“Feels like three. Thank God the Venn machine changed my bra as well.”
“Um … hi?”
The voice belonged to a fifty-ish man with glasses and grey hair who had poked his head into the store.
Casey sprang to attention, while Faith lounged back in her chair.
“Change Partners! Venning the friendless since 2015! Can we help you?”
“I hope so!” the man smiled. “I wonder if one of you ladies would help me out at the Venn machines?”
“Certainly, sir! I’d be delighted!”
“I might need some fashion advice too.”
“Uh … OK?”
“Tell me,” he said, with a conspiriational air. “What would be appropriate modern dress for … a 13-year-old girl?”
*
The wonderful thing about Venn machines, Casey thought as she approached the ring of boxes standing just inside the mall’s courtyard, was there was never a queue. If the Venn machines got too popular, more simply seemed to appear. Take Irving Mall. When she’d first discovered the delights of Venning, there had been four machines. As they became more patronised, more appeared, until now there were 15. Even on a busy night, you never had to wait long.
Tonight was not a busy night. Only a few of the boxes were in use. As she and her client neared, a door appeared in and a busty young woman appeared in a shiny black bikini and thigh boots.
“Mm, nice, Jodie,” she chuckled.
Out of the other door appeared another young woman, this one six feet tall, with horns on her forehead and deep red skin.
“Thanks, Brian. You did a good job too,” she grinned. “And don’t worry …” she held something up. “I have the leash.”
And they sauntered away.
Casey turned to the client. “So, uh …”
“George,” the man beamed.
“George. So what kind of 13-year-old girl did you want to be?”
“Sweet. Pure. Innocent.”
“Oh, sure. I meant, more like, blonde? Brunette? Redhead?”
“Blonde. Pigtails.”
“OK. Well, after you.”
George went to get into the machine, then stopped.
“Just in case you’re thinking this is some kind of sexual thing, I should probably tell you what I intend to do as a 13-year-old girl,” he said.
“That’s not really necessary.”
He went on as if she hadn’t spoken. “See that diner over there?”
Of course she did. She’d had dinner there a few hours before.
“I’m going to go in there, and I’m going to order the biggest ice-cream sundae they have! A Knickerbocker Glory … with double the strawberries!”
Casey blinked. “Uh, OK.”
“And then … then I’m going to eat it!” George chuckled. “I might have a root beer float too. Been a long time since I had a root beer float!”
“Sure. Well, let’s get on with it then!”
“Pick me a nice dress!” he called out.
He did make a sweet girl. And the dress - blue and white - looked cute too.
*
Faith was bored. Absolutely bored.
The phones hadn’t rung in half an hour. She was so bored, she was playing solitaire on the office computer.
She completed yet another game, sipped her coffee, took another chocolate, and wondered idly what was taking Casey so long.
This whole Venning the friendless thing had been concocted one night after she and Casey had been out being birds together. They really loved Venning, and while they were flying around and Casey had seen how many single people passed the Venn machines, she’d conceived the idea for Change Partners. Faith had, as usual, gone along with Casey’s ideas, although she’d pointed out that Change Partners sounded more like a swingers’ group than she was comfortable with.
Faith plucked another chocolate out of the box and …
“What the freaking hell are you doing!”
Casey was staring at her from the doorway.
Faith blinked, then became fully conscious of the chocolate in her hand.
“I’ll tell you what you’re doing,” Casey raged. “You’re EATING OUR CLIENT!”
“Oops.”
“Oops???”
“Uh … I forgot?” Faith smiled sheepishly, then switched tactics to defence. “This is really your fault, you know.”
“My … my fault?!”
“Yeah! You made him such good chocolates that I totally forgot he was Venned … wait, you’re hurting me!”
“And you,” Casey said as she frogmarched her friend out the door, “are currently digesting Kevin. We need to get to the Venn machines before it’s too late!”
*
The three Venn circles spun lazily on the machine. Casey thrust a hand into her pocket, pulled out a button and fed it into the pay slot. The doors appeared and Casey shoved Faith into the box.
“Try not to poop,” she said as the doors closed.
A few seconds later Kevin tumbled out of the other side.
“Oh God!” As Faith exited, Casey rushed over to the client. “I’m so sorry, sir. It was a total accident. We’ll refund your money, just please keep this quiet. My friend can’t help being an idiot …”
“Hey!”
Kevin simply stared at her.
Then he threw back his head and laughed.
“That … that was the best experience of my life!”
“It was?”
“Being chocolates was wonderful … being chocolates that were eaten was mind-blowing!” He pulled out his wallet. “How much?”
“Sorry?”
“How much to turn me back into chocolates, and then have your friend eat me?”
Casey tried to avoid Faith’s smug grin. “Don’t worry. This one’s on the house.”
As they got in, Faith called: “How about hard centres this time? They’re my favourite!”
*
Casey hadn’t quite forgiven Faith yet. She glowered at her over her coffee mug.
Faith held up yet another chocolate. “Want one?”
“Ugh! No.”
“Your loss.” She threw another bit of Kevin down into her mouth.
“How can you eat that, knowing it’s a person?”
“It’s not a person, though, is it? It’s a chocolate. Peanut brittle, to be precise.”
“It’s peanut brittle that was once a person!”
“Whatever.” Faith swallowed more coffee. “Besides, he tastes freakin’ incredible. I read somewhere Venned food tastes better than real food.”
“Ugh.”
“Did you know that on the east coast there’s a whole line of gastro-cafes that serve Venned meals?”
“Ugh!”
“I read an interview with this couple who turned into coffee beans and were ground into …”
“Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!” Casey clapped her hands over her ears. “Not listening, tra la la!”
“That’s so hypocritical! If you’ve been Venned and you want to be used, who’s to say it’s wrong?”
Just then the phone rang.
“Change Partners, Venning the friendless since 2015!” Casey sang. Faith took another chocolate and made exaggerated swallowing motions.
“Howdy! Wonder if you can help me. My request is a little … unusual.” The voice sounded young and confident. Businessman-type, Casey assumed.
“Nothing’s too unusual for us, sir!”
“Well, I’ve been out with a client, and we ended up at a cigar lounge, and this weird idea came into my head …”
Casey took a long look at Faith. “Oh, we can absolutely help you there, sir.”
*
Faith clambered out of the Venn machine, then went around to the other side, where the client was currently on the floor.
She picked him - it? - up. Thank heavens he hadn’t wanted to be a stogie, she thought. Instead the client was a long, thin cheroot.
“Not my usual type of smoking material,” she said. “But hey, a client’s a client.” She exited the mall and headed for a bench on the street, her usual break spot.
She placed the cigar between her lips and flicked open her lighter.
Was it her imagination, or did the long plume of smoke she blew out kind of look like a face?
*
“Client happy?” Casey said when Faith returned.
“Client happy. Half-smoked, changed back to human, gave me tip,” Faith said.
“Another box of chocolates?”
“What? No! He gave me $20. The box is Kevin.”
“Kevin??? Again?”
“Yeah, I started to feel sick between the cigar and the chocolates, so I made for the Venn machines and Venned Kevin out of my stomach.”
“So why is he a box of chocolates now?”
“He paid me to eat him again.”
Casey sighed. “OK then. At least we’ve got one loyal customer.”
“Don’t forget, it’s the quality of my digestion that keeps him coming back.”
“Hey there!”
A young couple were at the door.
“Can you guys help us Venn?”
“Sure!” Casey sprang to her feet. “But, uh, you guys know you can Venn with two people, right?”
“Yeah!” the guy said.
“But we want to change together,” the girl said.
“We’ve got something in mind.”
“Something awesome!”
“I can’t believe we’ve never thought of this before!”
“It’s gonna be so cool!”
The pair gazed at each adoringly. Ah, young love, Casey thought.
“Well, then, let’s get you to the Venn machines!” she said brightly.
*
Faith stared at her. “Really?”
“Yeah, really.”
“So what did you do?”
“Well, I let the dog out - nice golden retriever, by the way - and then I checked the floor and I couldn’t see anything, so I said ‘I’m going to assume we did this right and your girlfriend is on you somewhere’, and the dog nodded and wandered off.”
“She really wanted to be a flea?”
“Yeah. Well, in a way I can understand that. It’s even kind of cute.”
“Yeargh.”
“Says the woman who’s just eaten her third box of Kevin.” Casey yawned. “It’s nearly 11. What say we go change the client back and head home?”
“Absolutely.” Faith picked up the empty box. “But this time I get to be the motorcycle.”
“Done.” And Casey flicked on the answering machine and turned the Change Partners sign around to CLOSED.
As they walked down to the escalators, she tugged on her T-shirt again.
That couple totally pushed her up another bra size.