R.B. Palmer, top Hollywood studio executive, was laying back in his chair staring at the two young producers in his office. He'd been
doing it for several minutes and it was making them very uncomfortable.
Naomi exchanged a look with Matt. "R.B. ... " she began.
"Shhhhh." Palmer waved a hand in her direction. "I'm not through staring yet."
"Can I ask why you're staring, R.B.?"
"Because you pair have waltzed into my office with an idea that's either a work of genius or certifiably batshit crazy, and I'm still trying to work out which it is."
"I like to think it's the former, R.B.," Matt said modestly.
"Shhhhh." After another minute or so Palmer sighed. "OK, I still can't decide which it is, so let's go over it again. You want my studio to
green a light a remake of Star Wars ..."
"Yes!"
"Probably the best-loved picture of all time ..."
"Yes!"
"And you want to do it with ... what was that phrase you used?"
"An all-Venned cast!"
"OK, that's the bit I'm having trouble understanding. Let's take it from there."
By silent agreement Naomi took the lead. "R.B., you've heard of Venn Machines?"
Palmer waved his hand in the air. "Sure, who hasn't? I must have seen a dozen of them in the Rodeo Drive mall last Sunday."
"And do you know what they do?"
"I've heard they're supposed to let you turn into other stuff. I don't know that much about it. I enjoy being myself so much, I've never
looked into being something else."
"OK," Naomi said carefully. "Well, Star Wars is a great movie ..."
"The best!" Matt interjected.
"But there's no hiding that it was made in the mid '70s."
"Wayyyy back!"
"Let's face it, the crowd in the cantina scene look like what they are: a bunch of actors in rubber masks. Now, Lucas has updated the
special effects a couple of times, but he couldn't update the costumes or actors."
"But we can!"
"Woah, guys, one at a time! I'm getting whiplash here!" Palmer complained. "OK, Naomi, keep talking."
This was the crucial bit, Naomi thought. "If we're going to make a Star Wars movie that outdoes the original, we have to have something the original didn't. That's where the Venn Machines come in.
"To put it simply, we use the Venn Machines for absolute authenticity. Instead of Chewbacca being a really tall guy in a furry costume, we'll turn an actor into a real wookie!"
"Oh," Palmer said, realisation dawning. "And instead of two guys dressed up as robots, we'd have actors turned into actual robots!"
"Droids. But yes."
"And instead of the Millennium Falcon, we'd have an actor turned into the Millennium Falcon!"
"Uh, no, that would still be a set. There's limited space in a Venn Machine."
"Whatever." He was positively beaming now. "I like it!"
"But you haven't heard the best part," Matt cut in.
"The bit that will get everyone talking," Naomi added.
"The cast just won't be Venned ..."
"They'll be gender-Venned!"
"There you go with those technical terms again," Palmer grumbled. "Explain."
Naomi leapt in. "What we mean is, all the male parts in the film would be played by female actors turned into men. And all the female parts would be played by men turned female."
"Imagine this cast!" Matt said. "Jennifer Lawrence as Luke Skywalker!"
"Ann Hathaway as Han Solo!"
"Johnny Depp as Princess Leia!"
"Tina Fey and Amy Poehler as the droids!"
"Judi Dench as Obi-Wan Kenobi!"
"Helen Mirren as Darth Vader!"
"Of course, these are just suggestions."
"We don't have any firm commitments yet."
"Except from Johnny Depp."
"Yeah, he's really, really anxious to play Princess Leia."
Palmer leaned back with a grin. "This is getting better all the time."
"But we haven't told you the best part yet," Naomi said.
"Wait, wasn't the gender-bender thing the best part?"
"Do you know how many Star Wars nerds there are out there?" Matt said.
"Millions!" Naomi added.
"Billions!"
"And do you know how many of them would literally rip their grandmothers in two to have a part in the new Star Wars movie?"
"All of them!"
"As extras?" Palmer asked.
Naomi grinned. "As props!"
"And costumes!"
"Imagine being Luke Skywalker's lightsabre."
"Or Han Solo's blaster!"
"Or Princess Leia's hair!"
"You wouldn't have to pay them at all."
"Hell, they'd pay us!"
Naomi consulted a spreadsheet. "Using Venn Machines, we figure we could make our Star Wars for about the same price as the original."
"Even without counting for inflation. Plus, there would be the kudos of making the first Venned blockbuster."
"And if it's a hit, you could remake all of the original films like that."
"You could remake every hit film like that!" Matt said excitedly. "Venned Ghostbusters!"
"Isn't Columbia already doing that?"
"Venned James Bond!"
"Venned The Terminator!"
"Venned 2001: A Space Odyssey!"
"Venned Last Year at Marienbad!"
Palmer raised a quizzical eyebrow.
"That last one's kind of a pet project," Matt said.
Palmer leaned back. "You know what, you've convinced me. Let's take it to the next step. Go hire a writer, turn in a treatment. See Brian in finances. We'll take a meeting next month. Don't worry about Lucas,
I'll square it with him."
"Thanks, R.B.," the producers said as they exited. "You won't regret this."
"Yeah, yeah, sure," he grumbled. "May the force be with you."
They'd been gone for 10 minutes before a thought struck him.
The last time he'd seen those guys, hadn't they been Nick and Michelle?