"Aw, good morning, people! This is Getting the Finger with Kurt Fingerman, and if you've got an opinion on something, tell me and I'll
tell you why you're wrong.

"Awright, the topic today is Venn Machines. You've probably seen these things at the mall. Where did they come from? Nobody knows. Who put them there? Nobody knows that either.

"What we do know is kids are doing all sorts of crazy things in these machines. They're changing sex, they're turning themselves into clothes, they're becoming food and eating each other. What's the
government doing about it? Nothing, as usual! Meanwhile these things
are out there ruining lives and the good, decent, hard-working middle class are getting screwed. Something's gotta be done.

"Maybe you know someone who's addicted to these things. Maybe it's your kid whose life has been ruined. Call me and tell me your story.

"Awright, we got Carl on the line. Go ahead, Carl."

"Hey, Kurt. You didn't mention the worst thing about these machines. People can turn themselves into all sorts of things, and even if they get eaten or kill themselves or something, they just turn back into
themselves again! What happened to facing up to consequences? You should live with the results of your bad decisions! They're making kids today soft ... just like America! In my day, if you changed into a dress, you had to live with that the rest of your life."

"Lot to think about, Carl. OK, Maureen's on line two. Maureen, you're on the air."

"Hello?"

"Hi, Maureen. You're on the air."

"Am I on the air?"

"Yes!"

"Oh good. Kurt, I wanna tell you about my daughter and her boyfriend. Turns out he has a thing for changing her into underwear, and what he does with that underwear, it's disgusting!"

"Right."

"I tell you, I can hardly get the stains out."

"OK."

"I have to use a lot of bleach."

"Uh ..."

"I feel like I've lost a daughter and gained a lot more laundry."

"OK Maureen, thanks for that. Who's on line one? Sylvia. OK Sylvia, you're on."

"I gotta say, Kurt, why are we just accepting these things? I hate the way the media is just jumping on the bandwagon with all these TV
shows, like Kids Transform Into The Darndest Things, or America's Funniest Venn Videos, or that Kim Kardashian show."

"I don't think Kim Kardashian's ever used a Venn Machine, Sylvia."

"Come on, Kurt, you can't tell me she got that butt naturally."

"I'm not saying it's natural, Sylvia, I'm saying I don't think it's Venned. OK, for a different opinion, here's Stan."

"Hi Kurt. Long-time listener, first-time caller. I just want to say I think Venn Machines are great!"

"You do?"

"Yeah! We could use them to turn all the non-white people in the US white!"

"Well, that's ... an opinion."

"Expand the Republican base!"

"Geez, Marge, no more obvious racists, OK? You gotta screen these calls more carefully ... OK, Frank on line three. Go on."

"These kids who are transforming, do they think about how they're inconveniencing the rest of us?"

"How do you mean?"

"OK, so me and the wife are returning from two weeks in Australia. Long flight, and I can't sleep on planes. So we get to LA Airport about 6am, line up at customs, and get this! There's a wait of about
an hour because some guy turned themselves into a bimbo down under and
didn't realise they wouldn't match their passport photo when they got back. More than an hour we're waiting, and I got bad feet."

"I hear ya, Frank, it's just another thing these Venn Machine users are making us suffer through."

"Thanks Karl."

"Alright, here's Gary."

"Hey. Another thing about these Venn Machines. Did you realise you can't change yourself? Someone else has to change you. Whatever happened to taking personal responsibility? I tell you, this country's going
down the toilet."

"Sure is."

"Do you think Richard Nixon or Ronald Reagan would have ever turned themselves into a pair of girl's panties? Or John Wayne?"

"No, if they ever turned themselves into underwear, it would have been boxer shorts. Different times, Gary, different times. Here's Ian."

"Hey Kurt. I know this guy at work, he was saying his wife wanted to become a shirt. I told her, tell her it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Sleeves!"

"Haw haw! Good one, Ian! Time for one more caller? OK. Here's Luke."

"Hi Kurt. One of the previous callers was talking about inconvenience. Well, I got a story for you."

"Go ahead."

"OK, so my sister's son is getting married. I don't have a problem with that, he's a good kid, even if it means my wife and I have to fly
to Chicago. But get this! His girlfriend is making him get married three times, so we got to stay over an extra night!"

"Getting married ... three times?"

"Yeah! One as themselves, one where they're both men, and one where they're both women!"

"Did they say why they're doing that, Luke?"

"Well, my sister says they're doing it to celebrate that their gay and lesbian friends can get married now too. But if you ask me, it's because they really like getting presents."

"Something to think about. OK, we're gonna take a quick commercial break, and when we come back we'll discuss who's putting these Venn Machines out there. Could it be Venusians, like one theory says? Or is
it all just an elaborate publicity stunt for the new Ghostbusters film? Also after the break, will your pension be secure after the
zombie apocalypse? All this and more on Getting the Finger!"