"Simms residence, this is Julie."
"Hi, mom?"
"Who is this?"
"Oh, sorry, I forgot about my voice. Hey mom, it's Jessica."
"Are you alright, dear? You sound a bit ... hoarse ..."
"Uh, it's Friday and we're going to a club. And we dropped into the
mall to visit the Venn Machine first."
"Oh. So ..."
"Yeah, I'm a man tonight. Just call me Jesse. James and I thought it
would be fun to swap."
"Uh, yes. And how is James?"
"He's doing great. Or, she's doing great. She's Jane tonight."
"And is your roommate with you too?"
"Sort of. Melissa lost a bet, so I'm wearing her as a dress."
"My, my. The things you kids get up to these days."
"Anyway, I'm calling because I'm going to be up your way tomorrow. Want to catch up over coffee?"
"That would be lovely, honey. Only it's your father's day off, and ..."
"Oh, don't worry, mom. I'll be a woman again tomorrow."
"Fine. See you about noon?"
"Sure, mom. That'd be great."
"Alright, well, all our love to you and James ... Jane. You kids have a great time!"
"Bye!"
*
"Here we are. Chai latte for me, Earl Grey tea for you."
"Thanks, dear. So, how was your night?"
"Fantastic! The club was jumping. A really great DJ. And, Jane got called up on stage to dance."
"Well, that's nice for him ... her."
"Who would have thought? He's not that good a dancer as a man, but turn him into a woman ..."
"And is Melissa alright?"
"Huh? Oh, sure. I hung her up when I got home. She should be changing back any minute now."
"Oh."
"Listen mom, I'm sorry about last night. It hadn't occurred to me that calling you when I was a man would freak you out."
"I'm not ... freaked out exactly, honey. And I know it's what all the cool kids are doing these days. Only ... Are these Venn Machines
safe?"
"Don't worry about them, mom. I've been a man, a hermaphrodite, a she-male, a pair of wet-look leggings and a pizza, and I've always changed back perfectly safely."
"You didn't tell me you'd been a pizza."
.
"Uh, yes, for James' birthday. Venned food is supposed to taste better."
"Dear! You're not saying ... he ate you?"
"All of me, mom. And here I am. So you see, Venn Machines are perfectly safe."
"I guess."
"If it's any help, he turned himself into a chocolate egg for Easter."
"Well, I'll be honest honey, I'm not sure what to make of all this."
"Oh mom, I know it's hard for people of your generation to get Venn Machines."
"I know, we should move with the times. Better not tell your father about this."
"Sure. Another tea?"
*
"Hello, Jessica?"
"Hi, mom! What's up?"
"Well, I was wondering if you were free this Friday night."
"Actually, James has a buck's night and Melissa's going to be a pair of panty hose for Miranda all night, so yeah, I don't have anything on."
"Well, I wondered how you felt about a mother-daughter night."
"Sounds great! Shall I come over around seven with pizza and a Katherine Heigl romcom?"
"Actually darling, I thought we could go to one of your clubs."
"Really? I don't know if you'd feel comfortable there, mom."
"Oh, I used to go to plenty of music clubs in my day. And, uh, honey ..."
"Yes?"
"I know I should try to keep up with the times, so ... perhaps we could meet at the mall?"
"You want to go shopping?"
"No dear, I thought we could ... you know ..."
"Oh. Sure, mom. Why not?"
*
"So how much money should I put in, dear? You'll have to help me with all this."
"Uh, what? Oh. A dollar will do, mom. Uh, about this list of changes you've given me ..."
"Not extreme enough? I know it's not becoming a pizza."
"No, well, I guess it's just a bit of a surprise. Now, you want to be 22 ..."
"That's right, dear. The same age I was in 1984."
"The machine won't make you look exactly like you did in 1984."
"I know. I read that on the internet. There's some very useful information on Wikipedia. Just whatever face you think is nice, dear."
"OK, then you want pink hair."
"Your father and I used to go to new wave clubs when we were courting. I used to put pink stripes in my hair but I never had the courage to go all the way. But if it's going to be gone tomorrow ..."
"Then there's the piercings."
"Nose, lip ..."
"And nipples. One or both?"
"Let's go for both. Getting them through a Venn Machine shouldn't hurt at all."
"And the goth dress, latex stockings and black leather jacket ... Well, aren't they a bit slutty-looking?"
"Absolutely. Now, I want my makeup to look like Siouxsie Sioux."
"Who?"
"You can look her up on Wikipedia too, dear."
*
"God, I can't believe I'm doing this to my mom. Thank God it's only one day ... Press the button ... OK, door's open ..."
"Well, to coin a phrase ... how do I look?"
"Uh, you look amazing, mom ... very punky."
"Oh, thank you dear. And you look nicer too."
"What do you mean? Mom, you weren't supposed to change me!"
"But isn't that why they nicknamed them Trust Machines, darling? Besides, you could stand to lose a few pounds. I'm sure James was very calorific."
"Mom!"
"Please, call me Joolz."
"Joolz ... Oh, I see what you did there. Julie ... Joolz."
"It's what all my new wave friends called me in the 1980s."
"OK then ... Joolz."
*
"Want a drink, Joolz?"
"Can you get me a beer?"
"Oh, uh, sure. They do some nice cocktails here. I'm getting a dacquiri."
"A beer. Something Australian."
"Coming up."
"And a pack of Marlboro Lights."
"You don't smoke."
"Julie doesn't smoke. Joolz does."
"But you are Julie!"
"I gave up smoking when we decided to try for children. But for tonight ..."
"OK, but you can't smoke inside the club. You have to go outside."
"Fine. But get me my beer and let's dance first."
*
"Joolz, what are you doing?"
"The pogo."
"That's a dance? It looks like you're just jumping up and down."
"It's a dance. Sid Vicious invented it."
"Who?"
"OK, I'm going outside for a cigarette. This music sucks anyway."
"It's David Guetta!"
"Bless you, dear."
"I didn't sneeze."
"Can't you see if the DJ has any Ramones?"
"No."
*
"Hey Joolz, are you inside here? The bathroom's the only place I haven't searched, and ... MOM! What are you doing?"
"Hey babe, I met this young woman outside, and one thing led to another ..."
"Did she say 'mom'?"
"Yeah, she has a mother fixation on me. Don't stop doing what you were doing ... uh, I didn't get your name."
"Spike. People call me Spike. On account of my labret spike."
"And I'm Joolz. Nice piece of jewellery in your belly button."
"You should see the one I've got in my ..."
"And I'm through. I'll see you outside, mom."
"Your girlfriend's weird."
"Oh, she's not my girlfriend. Wanna see my nipple piercings?"
*
"You're having another cigarette?"
"Please, I've got 25 years of not smoking to make up for."
"It's getting late, and I was thinking of heading home. Can I give you a lift?"
"That'd be nice, dear."
"So, dad will be asleep. Try not to wake him up, OK? When he sees you tomorrow the change should have worn off."
"Oh, I'll be quiet as a mouse. And darling? Thank you."
"Oh! Sure. My pleasure."
"It's been so nice, I was thinking we could do this again sometime."
"Uh ... OK?"
"Maybe next Friday?"
"Well, I don't know what I've got on."
"And maybe you could give me a mohawk? I always wanted to try one."
"What?"
"And ... maybe I could be a she-male too?"
"We are not having this conversation. I'll be in the car."
*
"Fair's fair, Jess. You lost the bet, so you have to be my bra."
"God, Melissa, you're so pervy sometimes. I love it. Just wait until the Venn Machine is free ... Oh, here it goes ... Mom?!"
"Joolz, dear, I've asked you before."
"Mrs Simms??? Nice mohawk!"
"Oh, thanks Melissa, you're so sweet."
"But mom, you need two to work the Venn Machine."
"Oi, what's goin' on here?"
"Wow! Nice tatts!"
"Melissa, I swear you're not helping ... Who are you, beefy, and what are you doing with my mom?"
"I''m having a date night with my wife."
"Your wife? ... DAD???"
"I'd prefer it if you called me Sid. Sid Sinister."
"Come on, dear, we'd better get going. The Dropkick Murphys are on early."
"You're not going to the club?"
"Sorry, no honey, we're going to hear some real music. But you kids enjoy yourself."
"You know what, Melissa? Please turn me into your bra, right away. And please, make sure I can't hear or see anything."
"Sure thing. Hey, was there some kind of bulge in your mother's tights?"
"I didn't notice."