Trust Machines - New Jokes for Old

Crystal hugged her crying friend, and led the shorter blonde to the couch.  “How have you been holding up, Daisy?”

Daisy dabbed at her reddened eyes with the tissue Crystal offered her, then accepted a glass of wine and drained half of it in one go.  “Terrible.  It’s been four weeks since Brad dis... disappeared on me, and I haven’t heard a peep out of him!  I was doing OK, but Friday evenings still hit me like a ton of bricks, and tomorrow would have been our seven-month anniversary.”

Crystal filled her own glass, and settled on the couch beside her friend.  “I’m sure it’ll all turn out for the better.”

Daisy stared at her friend as if she could hardly believe what she was saying.  “How could it possibly...  Brad was my highschool sweetheart.  When we ran into each other again last year, it seemed like the stars were finally right.  He was the one, Crystal.  And now he’s gone.”

“Your true love might not be as far away as you think,” Crystal said with a quirky smile.

Daisy just snorted, drained her glass, and held it out for a refill.  “Bah.  I’d rather not think about men tonight.”

Crystal giggled.  “I’ve got just the thing, then.  What do you call a Venned guy who’s lying on the floor in front of your door?”

Daisy managed a bit of a smirk. “Matt.  Whatever happened to him, anyway?  He was cute.”

“Eh, he didn’t hang around after he changed back.”  Crystal shrugged.

“I don’t blame him.  You walked all over him.  Literally!”

Crystal slugged back some of her own wine.  “Yeah.  But it was funny.  What do you call a Venned guy who’s hanging on the wall?”

“Art.”  Daisy looked at the painting Crystal was pointing at.  “Oh my god, is that really...”

“Met him in a bar last week.  When he told me his name, I couldn’t help myself.  I sweet-talked him into a month-long Venn after our second date, and there he is.”

Daisy got up from the couch and walked up to the abstract painting.  “You can’t tell it’s a person...  Do you do anything with him?”

“I dust him twice a day.  I’m hoping he’ll be willing to... hang around.”  Crystal started giggling uncontrollably.

Daisy shook her head.  “You got him to commit to a month on a second date?  How?”

Crystal’s giggling got much worse, and it took her a while to calm down. “You should see your face.  There was no Art, I just found this at a garage sale last week and thought it’d spruce the place up.  Nobody’s willing to be changed for a month without serious thought these days.  You and I both know from personal experience how messed up you can get after that long.”

Daisy made her way back to the couch and dropped into it gracelessly.  She sipped her wine more thoughtfully this time.  “Not bad.  This isn’t a person, is it?”

“Nah.  But that might be fun.  Would you drink me if I was a bottle of wine?”

Daisy took another sip.  “If it was as good as this stuff, yeah.  Just a short change, though.  No hangover that way.”

“Ooh!  I hadn’t thought of that.  Have you done that before?”

“Mmmaybe.”  At Crystal’s look, Daisy held up a hand.  “Hey, he was cute, and he offered.  You were busy with whats-his-name, the one you were seeing about a year ago.”

Crystal’s gaze went distant.  “Oh yeah.  Dick.  I really, really tried to turn him into a vibrator.  Even spent a month as his blow-up doll, but he didn’t go for it.”

“I remember.  You wouldn’t return my calls, and I got a little frantic.”

Crystal blushed, and looked down at her wine glass, surprised to find it empty.  “Sorry, I should have told you ahead of time.  Then it took me a week to detox from the need to be someone’s toy.  I almost got myself turned into a vibe and shipped to you.”  Crystal refilled both glasses to cover the awkward silence that descended after that.

“What do you call a Venned girl hanging from your chandelier?” asked Daisy with a lopsided grin.  To her friend’s puzzled look, she answered, “Crystal.”

Crystal giggled.  “Oh!  That would be different.  Kind of boring though, don’t you think?  I wonder what it would be like to cast rainbows, though...  Would you use me if I was a Crystal goblet?”

“More than I would have as a vibrator, that’s for sure.”

Crystal turned her glass in her hand, contemplatively.  “I wonder what it would feel like when someone drinks from you.”

“Or having champagne in you?  That sounds pretty cool, actually.  Maybe we could get made into a set.”

“But who’d use us?”

“Get the guys at Hannigan’s to put us in with the rest of their glassware.  We spend enough time and money at that bar...”

Crystal shook her head.  “Getting fondled by random strangers... nah, if I’m going to do that I want to be dancing.  What do you call a Venned guy on a poker table?”

“Chip,” answered Daisy after a moment’s thought.  Then she grinned, and fired back with, “What do you call a Venned guy hanging from your towel rack?”

“Terry,” answered Crystal immediately.  “Ooh, that’s a good one.  I have to find a Terry some day and try that.”

Daisy’s cheshire grin gave her away, and Crystal begged her for details.  “He didn’t think it was very funny,” admitted Daisy.  “It wasn’t the first time someone had turned him into a towel.  So I offered to turn him into a robe instead.”

“And?” prompted Crystal after Daisy lapsed into wine-sodden reminiscence.

“Oh!  Terry.  He was very cozy.  But he only let me keep him for the weekend.  If I’d had longer I might have persuaded him to stay... he seemed pretty dazed by it after just a day.  Ah well.”

Crystal grinned.  “What do you call a Venned girl in a vase?  Rose.”

“Or Daisy,” said Daisy with a far-off look, and a smile teasing at her lips.

“You enjoyed that month, didn’t you?  Admit it.”

“I...”  Daisy shook her head, but couldn’t get rid of the smile.  “OK, fine.  I did.  That was what, a year ago?  After you gave up on Dick?”

“Yeah.  You didn’t believe me when I told you being changed for a month really messed with your head.  I was really tempted to take you up on your pleas to go back in the vase...”

Daisy set her glass down, and wrapped her arms around her chest.  “You know that’s normal after someone’s been Venned for a month, if it’s a pleasurable form.  I don’t know what you did, but sunlight felt...  Oooh, I’m getting tingly just thinking about it again.”

“I could tease you back into that vase right now, couldn’t I?”

Daisy stared at her lap, her shoulder-length blonde hair hiding her face.  “Please don’t.  After the month I’ve had, it’s waaay too tempting.  I’m not sure I’d ever come out again.”

“The water lapping at your feet,” murmured Crystal softly.

Daisy gasped, and looked up at her.  “Oh, don’t.  I’ll get all sad again when I say no.”

“Sunlight warming your petals.”

Daisy clapped her hands over her ears.  “No!  Stoppit!”

Crystal sighed, and refilled their glasses.  “I will have you one day, my pretty.  Drink up.”

Daisy toasted to that.  “To wine, making us forget why some things were bad ideas.”

“And opening us to other bad ideas,” Crystal added.

“Bad influence.”

“Me?  You’re the one that introduced me to the Venn Machine by turning me into a purse.”

Daisy giggled tipsily.  “You used me as pantyhose on a date when yours had a run in it.”

“You said you had fun!”

“Was still a crazy idea,” Daisy giggled.  “What do you call a Venned guy being used as a scratching post?”

“Claude.  What do you call a Venned guy lying in your lingerie drawer?”

“Panties?” asked Daisy, then shook her head.  “No, tha’s not a guy’s name.  Terry!  No wait, that wash the towel.  I give up.”

“Teddy.”

Daisy stuck out her tongue.  “I wish.  He never let me do tha’ to him.  Or jus’ a reg’lar teddy bear.  No sense of ann..adventure.  I really wanted...”

Crystal’s grin got even bigger.  “What do you call a Venned guy holding up your boobs?”

Daisy stared at her for a while, then finished off her glass of wine.  “No fucking clue,” she slurred.

“Bra-ed.”

Daisy took quite a few seconds to put that together.  “Oh!  I get it.  Turned into a bra.  Bra-ed.  Brad... OH MY GOD!  You didn’t!  You’ve been wearing him all month?  You b..”

“No!” interrupted Crystal.  “You have.  Remember that six month anniversary gift you got, that’s so comfy you’ve been wearing it every single day since then?”

Daisy nodded, eyes wide.

“That’s Brad.  You told him what being changed for a month was like, and he couldn’t get this idea out of his head.  He asked me to help set him up as a gift for you.  I honestly didn’t think you’d take it so badly.  He said he was going to leave you a note or something.”

Daisy pulled open her blouse to stare at her bra in wonder.  She ran a hand over one cup.  “There was this weird email I got a couple weesks ago,” she hiccuped.  “Couldn’ figure out where it came from, cause Brad wasn’ talking to me.  Didn’ answer when I replied, neither.”

“Ah.  Ooops.”

“How soon’ll he turn back?”  Daisy asked, pleadingly.  She was running her hands over the bra, getting more and more flushed at the realization she’d been wearing her sweetie all this time.

“Next few minutes, if I have it right.  I got a month-timer app, but it’s only really accurate near the new and full moon.”

Crystal drained her glass, and watched her friend with amusement.  Daisy had one hand in her panties, and another teasing her nipples through her bra.  Crystal shook her head, then got up and headed toward the door.  “You two have fun.  I’ll guess I’ll find somewhere else to sleep tonight.”