By Prender

TF, TG

The Ship Bar was a shithole. The beer was terrible and the food was lousy. But it didn’t discriminate and in a town like this one, that counted for a lot. Freaks, geeks, weirdos and the emotionally damaged were all welcome. And no, I’m not going to tell you which category I fell into.

Plus it had a jukebox, an honest to goodness jukebox that spun vinyl, and nothing from later than 1979. I mean, A1 was “TV” by the Flying Lizards. How can you not love a place like that?

So yeah, you could say I was a regular there. That night I’d decided to pop in on my way back from work, have a lousy meal, drink some terrible beer and then head home for another evening alone. A night pretty much like many others I’ve spent lately.

The place was dead, though. I mean, it was never lively at the best of times, but tonight there was nothing going on. Steve the barman was bored enough to be wiping glasses clean. April, his offsider, wasn’t even trying to look busy.

There was, in fact, only one other person in the place. Her.

She was slouched over the pinball machine, her fingers provoking an electronic symphony of bleeps and blurts as she racked up a high score. She was dressed as she always was, jeans, black motorcycle jacket, boots. Her hair was savagely chopped in a Chelsea cut.

Her final ball rolled past the flippers and she turned around, spying me instantly. I nodded at her.

“Evening, Eddie.”

She nodded back. “Mac.”

My name isn’t Mac. My first name is Rob. And my last name doesn’t start with an M. Didn’t matter to her. I was Mac.

But what can you expect from a girl called Eddie?

Her real name was Edwina. Apparently she came from an aspirational middle class family. Her parents named her Edwina, thinking it would suit a good girl who’d grow up, become a doctor or a lawyer, then make a fine marriage to a conservative politician.

Things didn’t work out the way they expected. Do they ever?

Eddie used to go out with a friend of mine, Liz. I heard the whole story, including their frequent fights and bust-ups, all about her irresponsibility and strangeness. Funnily enough, they’re still friends.

Then she was going out with another pal of mine. “So, Rae here tonight?” I said casually.

Eddie leans on the jukebox. “Nah. You didn’t hear? We broke up.”

“Really? You okay about that?”

A shrug. “Yeah.” She rolled in a coin, punched a button and out comes “Voices” by Siouxsie and the Banshees. I could almost hear Steve roll his eyes at the din that ensues, but hey, it’s his job to keep the drinks coming, not be a music critic.

“A beer, Steve. The usual. You want something, Eddie?”

“Nah. Gotta go.” She slouched to the exit, the song only half over. April looked up from her phone.

“Jesus, puts that crap on and don’t even have the respect to sit through it all. I hate that girl,” she said. “Oh, hey Rob. You wanted something to eat?”

“What’s the special?”

“Bangers and mash.”

“What else you got?”

“Nothing. Just bangers and mash. Want it?”

I told you the food was lousy. “Yeah, okay.”

And it totally lived up to that billing too.

*

Half an hour later I walked outside, out on the street. If it was quiet in the bar, it was just as dead out here. Where was everyone? At home with their loved ones having plenty of noisy, guilt-free sex, no doubt.

I see the red light of the cigarette glow. Her again.

“Eddie. Thought you’d left.”

“Mac. Yeah. I did. Got a light?”

I blinked. “You don’t need one, Eddie. Besides, I don’t smoke.”

“Right.” Eddie threw her cigarette on the ground and screwed it down with her boot. “Can I ask you something?”

Well. This is unexpected. “Shoot,” I say.

Okay, she’s almost squirming now. “See, Rae kind of threw me out. That’s okay, I kind of deserved it. But I don’t have anywhere to go.”

This is already probably the longest conversation I’ve ever had with Eddie. “Understood. You need money for a hotel room? I can lend you some.”

“Uh, I was thinking … Liz said you have a big-ass house. And since you and Graham broke up, I thought …”

“You thought you could crash with me? I dunno, Eddie …”

“Just a night or two,” she said. “I don’t take up much space. All I got is in this bag. Plus, I could, you know … do things for you.”

“Things?”

“Like … you know.”

“I presume we’re not talking about cooking or cleaning.”

That brought a smile to her face, the first I think I’ve ever seen, and suddenly she looks almost cute, almost shy. “You don’t wanna try my cooking, believe me. No, I meant sex.”

“Uh, I’m kind of not interested in girls, Eddie.”

“Oh, I know. Liz told me.” And Eddie moved closer to me. “And she told me something else. Something else about you.”

Oh fuck. Thanks a lot, Liz. “Yeah?”

The next thing out of her mouth surprised me. “There’s a couple of Venn machines near the corner of Bond and Green streets.”

“Okay.”

“You know what they can do, right?”

“I’ve heard. Never used them myself, though.”

“I have. And, well, what you want … I think I kind of want too.”

Suddenly I was sick of talking in code. “So, Eddie, what’s the deal here?”

“Okay, Mac. Put me up for a couple of nights. We can change each other. Make me a boy. I’ll make you a girl. I’ll even pay. Then whatever happens … happens.”

I stared for just a few seconds. “You can do that?”

“With a Trust Machine, sure.”

“Trust … Machine?”

“That’s the nickname, you know? Because you have to trust the other person in the machine to change you to what you want.”

“And how do I know I can trust you, Eddie?”

And suddenly her mask was back in place. “You don’t, I guess.”

There was silence for a few seconds. And then I said “sure”.

Eddie looked relieved. “Yeah? Okay! Well, let me get my bag.”

Foolhardy? Sure. What was to stop her from turning me into a dog or a kite or something and just stealing my cash, even my house? Probably nothing, except that I’d known both Liz and Rae, and both had said while Eddie was irresponsible, lazy and disrespectful, she didn’t have a mean or dishonest bone in her body.

So yeah, I was taking a chance. Sometimes you have to.

We must have looked like such a weird couple, me with my long hair pulled back in a ponytail, my spotted shirt and blazer next to her Ramones groupie vibe. So what. Weird is good. Weird should be encouraged.

“So, a couple of blocks?”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

Her stomach rumbled so loud I could hear it three feet away.

“Eddie, when was the last time you ate?”

“Last night, I guess.”

“Okay, let’s make a stop at McDonald’s on the way.”

“But the Venn machines …”

“Can wait. They’re not going anywhere. Or are they?”

“Huh. Nope. Can’t get rid of a Venn machine.”

*

The first Quarter Pounder she practically inhaled, so I bought her another one. This one went down a little slower.

“So,” I said, “why’d you and Rae split up?”

“Girl shit,” Eddie mumbled, her mouth full of food.

“And Liz?”

“Same.”

“Same girl shit or different girl shit?”

A sudden burst of anger. “It’s the same fucking shit all the time. They say oh you’re such a wild thing, so fucking hot, and then they spend all their time trying to tame you, to cut your fucking balls off. Don’t try to fucking change me … what’s so funny?”

“Well, you say you don’t want people to change you … now you’re asking me to go change you.”

A wry smile. “Yeah, but I get to change you too. That wasn’t part of the agenda for Liz or Rae.”

 

Well, what do you know. There were Venn machines on the corner of Bond and Green streets. They were splayed up against the back entrance of a shopping mall — a real shopping mall, a covered arcade — with a group of lockers nearby. I gazed at the three circles spinning slowly on the outside, and realised I’d seen a lot more Venn machines around town than I’d thought.

As I watched a woman stepped out of one booth — how, I don’t know; there hadn’t been a door there a second ago — and walked around to the other side. She bent down and retrieved a small pug dog. “Much better,” she cooed. “Just let me get your things and we’ll be off.”

As she strode to the lockers, it hit me that this was actually going to happen. Before it was kind of an abstract concept, me doing a favour for an acquaintance, we’d do this other thing too, blah blah blah.

But now … Shit just got real.

I glanced at Eddie. Liz had told her something about me, she’d said.

Well, it wasn’t exactly a secret. Sometimes I thought you could tell just by looking at me.

When we’d split, Graham had told me that I had to make up my mind whether I was a gay guy or a woman in a man’s body.

“I can’t be both?” I’d said.

Okay, I hadn’t actually said that. But I did think it really, really loudly.

*

“Wallet?”

“Pardon?”

“Wallet.” Eddie pointed to the lockers, where she’d already stashed her bag. “Put it in there, Mac. Venn machines can do weird things to money. Listen,” she added as I hesitated, “you set the combination lock, okay? It’s not a scam. I appreciate what you’re doing for me.”

“Sure.” I added the contents of my pockets to the locker and punched in the numbers.

Eddie and I looked at each other.

“So …” I began.

“So.” A flicker of nervousness ran through her face, and she momentarily lost her usual don’t give a shit attitude. “What do you want her to look like?”

“Her?”

“You know … you.”

I’d had a lifetime to dream about this and now I blanked.

“Well …” I rapidly considered. “Tall? A little shorter than me. Long hair, dark. Past my shoulders. Pretty but not strikingly so. Breasts full but not boob job full. Thin but not too thin. Fit but not a bodybuilder.”

“Got it,” Eddie nodded. “Someone real.”

“Real. Yeah. That’s exactly it. And you?”

“Uh, pretty much the same.” Eddie indicated her body. She did already look quite masculine. “Except for, you know … being a boy.”

“Right.”

We both took a deep breath. “Right,” she said. She fished in her pocket and brought out a button. She did something to the moons displayed on the Venn machine’s front. “I’m setting it for eight hours. That cool?”

“That’s fine.”

She inserted the button and suddenly there were spaces to get into the booth. It wasn’t like a door opening. It was like the sides of the booth had suddenly popped out of existence.

“Thought you were going to pay,” I said.

“I just did. With a button. Now my boxers have a wide open fly. Well, get in.”

She was already disappearing into the machine. I walked around and looked in.

Darkness.

It wasn’t too late to back out. I could just walk away.

But then, I’d be letting down Eddie. And … maybe myself too.

I got in.

And suddenly there was no opening, there was just me inside this thing.

Light, although I couldn’t tell exactly where it was coming from.

And in front of me, a screen.

I cleared my throat. “Eddie, you there?”

“Yeah.” Her voice sounded both quite close and a thousand miles away. “You know what to do? Touch the screen, start scrolling through stuff.”

So I did. It took a long time for me to sort through the changes I wanted to make to Eddie. Partly because it was my first time, but mostly because I was trying to match what she looked like now as closely as possible. Eddie, on the other hand, was done quickly because she wasn’t trying to match what I looked like.

The face wouldn’t be exactly the same (although the haircut was spot on), the jacket was slightly different — it would be new, for one — and if she had any tattoos or piercings I didn’t know about, he wouldn’t have them. But eventually I was done.

“So what now?”

“Press the green button.”

“Where’s that?”

“Look down.”

I hadn’t noticed them before. I reached for the green button and …

*

Some people will tell you that they can feel the change sweeping through them, that they experience a delicious moment of transition, of being transformed from one thing to another.

These people are full of shit.

No, the change is instantaneous. You were this, now you’re that.

It’s almost anti-climactic.

I realise that the machine is open again.

“You okay?”

The voice is lower than before, so it took me a second to place it. I looked up into his eyes.

Eddie.

His face creased in a grin. “You did a good job, Mac. Come on out.”

“Thanks. You too.”

I unfolded my legs, my now long legs, and he held out a hand. I took it and rose, clutching my bag and …

Wait. “Where did this bag come from?” I said, puzzled.

Eddie shrugged. “Seemed like you’d need it. You don’t have pockets any more. It probably used to be your jacket or something.”

“Oh.” He was right, I didn’t have pockets any more, because I was wearing a little black dress. A very little black dress.

“Jesus, Eddie, this thing barely covers my panties,” I said, pulling it down. I spied his grin. “Wait a second … you did that deliberately! You’re enjoying just how small it is!”

“And tight,” he grinned. “Don’t forget tight.”

I sighed. “Well, I think we have official confirmation you still like girls.”

“Uh, yeah, about that. Good job on the … you know.”

Eddie did look very much like his female counterpart, with one obvious difference. And right now it was very obvious.

“Try thinking about something else,” I told him. “Anything else.”

“I’ll try. So, your place?”

“Yeah. We can get our stuff and then cut through the arcade, walk down Regency Street. It’s only about 10 minutes.” I stepped along on my heels. “Wait, make that 15. How do you walk in these things?”

“Beats me. I’ve never even tried.”

As we walk past the shop windows, I caught sight of my reflection. My hair is dead straight and falls down my back. My lips are just full enough. My face is slightly long. The prettier side of plain.

Right now, though, I feel like the most beautiful woman in the world.

*

“So,” I said, throwing the sheets and a blanket on the bed, “this is the guest room. Bathroom’s second door on the left. There’s a new toothbrush in the drawer, feel free to use it. Towels are in there too, bottom right.”

“Cool,” Eddie said, laying his bag down. “And Mac? Thanks.”

“Not a problem.”

“Yeah. I mean … thanks for everything.”

I smiled and wished him a goodnight, then walked to my bedroom.

Softly I closed the door, then I ripped my clothes off as quickly as possible.

Oh God.

I peered in the mirror at my new self. My breasts. My nipples. My long hair, even longer than my usual hair. My belly. My legs.

All indisputiably female.

Lower down.

A tangle of pubes, frankly thicker than I would have liked. That’s what happens when you get a butch to Venn you, I supposed.

Under them …

The first time I brushed my clit I jumped. Christ, that’s sensitive.

Carefully I began to explore myself.

Tears came to my eye. This was me now, for most of tonight, anyway.

It felt like coming home.

Why hadn’t it occurred to me to do this before? To simply use a Venn machine to make my outer shell match my inner self?

Because, my mind replied, you need someone to do this to you. And your boyfriend would have been awkward, and your friends would have been awkward …

But Eddie … Eddie, for some reason, was just right.

*

It only occurred to me later that I’d never locked my door. I wonder if that was deliberate.

Anyway, about half an hour later I heard the steps coming down the hallway. i thought they’d go to the bathroom, or the kitchen, but no.

They stopped right outside my door.

For a while there was nothing but silence as we both played a waiting game, both of us undecided, both hoping.

And then I said, “come in”.

I’d covered myself with a sheet as the knob turned and the door slowly opened.

Eddie hadn’t bothered.

He was right. I had done a good job.

“So …” he began. “Uh, I was just wondering if … you know … you wanted to see what these things could do.”

I didn’t say a word.

I simply threw down the sheet and opened my arms.

*

“When did you know?”

It was the early hours of the morning and we’d long ago turned the light off but somehow neither of us could sleep.

Eddie was spooning me. Our lovemaking had been somewhat rough, even haphazard, but after all neither of us have done it quite this way before. Eddie hadn’t demurred when I’d insisted on a condom. After all, that was a new experience for him too.

Now, in the quiet anonymity of the night, Eddie considered my question.

“Thirteen,” he said. “I had a crush on a friend. She was totally straight, too. Like too many girls I’ve crushed on. And yeah, I knew I liked women, but it was the way I liked her. Like … I wanted to be her man.”

“Was it hard?”

“It was hell,” he said simply. “And, I don’t know, it got worse. Actually it got better after I got my hair cut. I started dressing like a guy. But … I’ve known a lot of butches who wanted to be masculine. That’s fine. But it went deeper for me. I wanted to be a man.”

“Did you consider transitioning?”

“Yeah. But then I discovered Venn machines.”

“Oh.” I blinked. “Right. So much easier.”

“Yeah. So, what about you? When did you know?”

“God, when didn’t I know?” I sighed. “But it was complicated. I liked guys. And the guys I liked weren’t that interested in dating a woman. Even a guy who feels like a woman. So I … just made the best of it, I guess.”

“Until tonight.”

“Yes, until tonight.”

There was a long silence and I thought Eddie might have fallen asleep.

“Mac? Just … thanks again.”

“You’re welcome.”

More than welcome.

 

The bed beside me was empty when I woke up. The guest room’s bed was neatly made up, and the shower had been used, with the towel hung up to dry. Her bag was gone though.

The note was lying on the kitchen table.

“Hey Mac, thanks again for everything. I really appreciated the bed for the night. I’ve taken some fruit and a bagel, hope that’s okay. I don’t want to impinge on you any more than I have.”

For a second I felt a deep sense of loss. I sit down at the table. My male body, which should feel so familiar, instead seemed heavy and wrong.

Then I realise there’s more writing on the other side of the note.

“But I’ll be at the Ship tonight at six if you feel like doing this again? Eddie.”

A smile spread itself across my face. The Ship Bar, that place for freaks and weirdos. Where we mingled.

Where we met.

Eddie, wild, untamed, irresponsible. What did I want from her? Not a relationship, for sure. Not with her, or even with him. No, it was simpler than that.

It was what we shared.

A shithole. Terrible beer. Lousy food.

I’ll be there.