Pyramid Scheme
By Tom J. Hyde
Based upon "Secret of the Pyramids Incense" by AkuOreo

“Ya’ idiots!” Benny Gray barked at his lackeys at the sound of the crate cracking against the rough metal table. “Be careful with that stuff! It’s full o’ artifacts! And we don’ get paid unless they’re in one piece!”

His moronic assistants scrambled away from their master’s wrath, but not before one of them tripped over the table leg, nearly sending the crate crashing to the floor. Benny growled at him and sent him off with a sharp kick in the rear.

“Lousy incompetents!” he shouted after the four fleeing men. “I’m gonna dock ya’ pay by a quarter fo’ this! Now make damn sure the perimeter is secure!”

He watched them scurry into the corners of the dark warehouse, then outside onto the catwalks. Crates of every description and size littered the facility floor, shining dully in the lanterns around Benny’s desk. The sounds of the port at night filled his ears while the smell of the docks assaulted his nose.

Shaking his head in annoyance, he ran a hand over the rough wooden surface of the container. He hated using local help for this kind of job, especially with so much money at stake. But because of the busted job in Athens last year, most of his regular crew were still on Interpol’s wanted list.

Benny knew he was risking a lot by taking the job now. Whenever a new excavation in the Egyptian desert unearthed something new, security was as tight as a drum. And Egyptian security forces weren’t kind to those who stole their national treasures.

His leather jacket strained around his stocky frame as he pulled the container open to check the contents. It didn’t take long to check the ceramic lining of the crate, something new a fellow smuggler cooked up a year ago. Unless somebody actually opened the container, no one would know what was inside. The various artifacts remained intact, unharmed in their sealed packaging. He let out a growl of relief. Benny didn’t have a clue what these things were, but he was being paid an absurd amount of money for them.

The sound of hard rubber against the concrete brought his eyes up and Benny smirked. His contact, a dark-skinned Egyptian, still read too many American crime novels. He looked ridiculous in his gray felt fedora, black trenchcoat and a hunched posture. The end of a cigarette glowed against his shadowed face as he took a puff, the let a cloud of smoke into the air.

“Ya’ ever gonna knock off the detective look, Wati?” Benny grunted.

“You ever going to learn to dress yourself, Gray?” Wati shot back at him in faintly accented English. He gestured to the man’s outlandish orange shirt and brown cargo shorts.

“It gets hot durin’ the day, Wati,” he retorted. “Ya’ can’t tell me a man ain’t entitled t’ a lil’ comfort here and there!”

Wati slapped him on his stomach. “Looks like you got a little more comfort in some spots.”

“Shaddup,” Benny said. “Ya’ here t’ give me a report or just wanna criticize my looks?”

“Both, Gray. It’s what I was paid for.”

“Whatever.” Benny closed the lid to the crate with a huff and checked the seal. “So what’s it gonna be?”

“We’re clear. Your shipment is going to be a late delivery from Cairo. Because of a little scheduling snafu, you’re shipment will get onboard just an hour before departure, which will be after they’ve swept the ship. The dig site is having some communications trouble so they can’t let anybody know about the missing good for a least a few days.”

“Ya’ did it again, Wati,” the smuggler crowed. “Ya’ never cease t’ amaze me!”

“Yeah, yeah,” the Egyptian responded. “Just make sure the other half is in my account by noon tomorrow, Gray.”

Benny slapped the man on the back, staggering him and almost making him drop his cigarette. “Have I ever failed ya’ Wati? Ya’ll get ya’ money, just like the last time!”

“Just do me a favor, Gray. Stay out of Egypt for a while. I got enough stress without you tearing into Alexandria with another of your schemes.”

“I’m hurt!” He grabbed his chest as if stabbed. “And here I thought we were buddies!”

“It’s just business, Gray,” Wati sneered. “Nothing friendly about it. My little commission from this job will get me out of this damn desert for a while. I’m thinking the Swiss Alps for a nice vacation.”

“Damn cold in the Alps.”

“Yeah,” Wati said with a sparkle in his eye. “But those girls have a lot of ways to make you warm all over. Be nice to just lay back and relax for a while.”

“Ya’ were always a pansy, Wati,” Benny chuckled. “But I like ya’ anyway.”

He clapped him on the shoulder again. The cigarette fell from the Egyptian’s mouth. Benny’s contact glared at him, but simply slid another out of his trenchcoat and lit it up.

“One of these days you’d better retire too, Gray. You’re getting greedy. And greedy smugglers don’t last long.”

“I live fo’ excitement,” Benny said with a cocky grin. Wati just rolled his eyes in response and reached into his coat, pulling out a small, bright bag.

“My contact on the ship gave me this. Wanted you to have it as a bonus for a job well done.”

Benny took the electric lime bag and stared at the contents. “Incense? Ya’ kiddin’ right? I ain’t into any o’ that meditation stuff.”

Wati shrugged. “I really don’t care, Gray. You can chuck into the Mediterranean if you want. But the little man said something about it being the perfect reward for a man like you.”

“Maybe I’ll light it up before the truck gets here. I got at least an hour.” Benny remembered his Ma being big into the incense thing. If he didn’t like it, he could always pawn it off on her next time he got to Jersey.

“I’m out of here, Gray,” Wait said, turning and striding away. “Remember what I said.”

“Hey Wati!” he called after him. “Who was the guy who gave this t’ ya’?”

“A loadmaster named Hasid.” The man vanished behind a stack of cargo containers without another word.

Benny glanced back down at the package in his hand.

“I don’ know anybody named Hasid,” he muttered to himself. He shrugged and put it next to the container on the dented metal table. Throwing his leather jacket onto a folding chair, he grabbed the radio from his waist.

“Any signs o’ trouble?” he grunted into the handheld radio.

“No, Boss.” The reply was quick. Benny knew they were probably screwing around, but Wati would have warned him about any problems. After all, they’d worked together for over ten years now. He trusted the Egyptian, at least as far as he trusted anybody.

“The truck’ll be here in about an hour,” the stocky man grumbled. “I’m gonna get some rest, so unless Interpol’s knockin’ on the door, don’ bug me!”

“Yes, Boss,” a chorus of voices said over the radio.


He threw the radio next to the crate and stared at the little package. There was a golden picture of the Pyramids at Giza on it and some general instructions on the back. There was no sign of who actually made the stuff.

He’d never heard of Egyptian incense before. His Ma was into floral, ocean and girly-smelling incenses. When he thought of the scent of Egypt, he thought of dust and sweat.

“Secrets o’ the Pyramids,” he read off the package. “Cheap touristy crap.”

Benny did have an hour to kill. So he flipped out his knife and cut into the package, sliding out a stick of golden incense and a small rectangular burner with a tiny pyramid on one side. There was a small hole in it, made for the incense stick. It took a few moments, but he managed to wedge the stick into the pyramid hole, then put it on the table.

After sliding the chair in front of the little burner, he flicked his lighter and held it up to the tip of the stick. A faint glow pulsed from the tip of the incense. It didn’t take long for the twirling snakes of violet, teal and blue to float around him.

Benny took a sniff of the incense. With all of his globetrotting, he had never smelled anything like it. The only thing close was the Egyptian blue lily, something he once got for an ex-girlfriend back in the states. It was definitely girly-smelling though, something his Ma would have loved. But there was something else in the scent, a hint of animal-like musk.

“Weird stuff,” he muttered to himself. Deciding to make the best of it, he closed his eyes and tried to relax. He always got a bit wound up during this part of the job. Benny knew that a case of the nerves could ruin weeks of painstaking work. A little serenity wouldn’t hurt.

As he breathed, the scent became stronger, overpowering the smell of the docks at night. He felt himself become a bit dizzy and swayed slightly in place, finding it hard to stay upright in his chair. His entire body tingled all over, but he couldn’t get enough energy to do something about it. He couldn’t even summon forth the effort to open his eyes.

Sweat poured from the man as he felt a wave of heat wash over him. The warmth ate away at his mind and the sensations dragged him back to reality. Strange prickling sensations wriggled along his legs and feet, mirrored by a similar sensation on his back, hands and face. It felt like a massage from a crew of caterpillars.

The moment the pressure in his sides began, he managed to open his eyes. He let out a loud holler when his ribs suddenly shifted position, curving inward while his hips burst outward, tearing gashes into cargo pants. His potbelly shot northward, sliding into his chest and splitting into two small lumps. Benny knew exactly what they looked like, but rejected the word that came to mind. The powerful sense of force curved around his wide hips and through his legs, reshaping them in short order into something far more curvaceous. He could only stare in dumb shock as his thick boots became several sizes too big for him.

The tremors began to course outward from his chest. The moment the new bumps on his chest formed, the sensation spread to his arms. They quickly lost the substantial muscle mass he acquired over the years. His hand cramped for just a moment as they finished their transformation, revealing the delicate fingers of a woman.

“Ain’t happenin’ ain’t happenin’ ain’t happenin,” Benny chanted to himself, like a lullaby to make the monsters go away. It took about four seconds for his low baritone voice to shift into soft soprano. His eyes slammed shut when the prickling erased his Adam’s apple and crept up his face. The week-old stubble slipped back into his face and his broken nose righted itself, then shrink. He tried his best to repeat his new mantra as it moved through his features, only to explode in his thinning brown hair. Tremendous waves of thick chestnut hair erupted from his scalp.

A few moments after his hair’s sudden growth spurt, he felt a bizarre wrenching between his legs. He refused to think of what just happened.

Enormous hazel orbs slipped open to see her new body. She looked like eye candy from a bad adventure movie, despite the small bust. With an angry glare, the new woman swiped at the incense. It clattered to the floor on a slab of concrete stained green by an old paint spill.

“First, I’m gonna kill Wati,” the soft voice said. It didn’t sound nearly as threatening as it did a few minutes ago. “Then I’m gonna kill this Hasid.”

She staggered to her feet, having stumbling in her now-oversized boots. She managed to take three steps before the snakes of colored smoke twisted around her again. Benny tried to wave them away, but they refused to leave him alone.

An intense itching sensation burned down her back, making her twist and squirm in annoyance. The sound of ripping clothing blasted through the warehouse and she fell to knees with a yelp in front of the still-burning incense. She felt like someone had just punched her hard in the back. She stretched her back and tried to rise to her feet.

Until she caught a glimpse of the thick feathered wings curving around her.

“Wha?” She simply gaped, her brain going utterly blank.

Benny heard another tear of clothing and a thick furred tail wrapped itself around her legs. It looked almost like a lion’s tail. She was sure that she was losing her mind because not only did she feel the air upon her new wings, but also could feel the warm concrete beneath her tail.

A pair of small explosions shook her from her reverie. When she glanced behind her, she saw the remnants of her shredded boots on the floor. Where her feet should have been were now two gigantic lion’s paws, wrapped in the tattered bits of his socks. From the socks, golden fur began to creep up her legs like a strange infection.

A hard cramping sensation filled her hands. Her nails turned black with astounding speed, stretching into small claws while the fingers shorted and tufts of fur appeared. In seconds, she possessed another pair of paws. With a cat-like movement, she swiped at her itching ear, only to feel soft fur where her ears should be.

The prickling spread to her face and she wrinkled her nose. She watched it become black and hard until it looked nearly feline. Benny was grateful when the furry feeling didn’t sweep across her face, but they did come in around her shoulders and chest. She cried out as the tingling of fur creeping up her arms, legs and down her front battered her mind. A patch of white fur burst into existence above her breasts right before they suddenly swelled outward, tearing great holes in her orange shirt. She blushed furiously as the supple skin peeked from the gashes.

Benny just stared for a moment as her top stretched under the expanding flesh. Her expression was one of utter disbelief and confusion. The shimmering smoke twirled about her body as she knelt before the incense.

“What the hell…” she muttered a moment before the top burst into shreds. Her blush deepened quickly as her naked breasts suddenly felt very cool. Yet the feeling didn’t last long, for the moment the clothes gave way, a wash of golden fur swept over her chest, quickly joining with the furry parts of her legs and arms.

Benny ran one of her paws along her fur and tried to figure out what just happened. A brilliant spark burst from the tiny pyramid of the incense burner, but the smuggler barely noticed as she poked her new assets.

“What the hell am I?” she growled, her voice now in a high yet husky tone.

“Hasid thinks stealer man make good girly sphinx!”

Her head shot up to see a man in a mint green trenchcoast and a turquoise turban grinning madly at her.

“I’m guessin’ ya’ Hasid?” she snarled. Her tail exploded in outrage.

“Yes! Hasid very famous for special incenses. Make many people very happy.”

“You ain’t gonna make anybody happy no more unless you undo this crap!” She slowly moved into a crouching position on the green concrete. Her eyes glittered with malice.

“Oh no no no no, stealer man. Hasid going to keep stealer man like this!”

“Like hell ya’ are!” With a tremendous roar, she leapt into the air. The wings on either side of her back snapped into place and she found herself flying through the air with no effort at all. The sheer fact that she was airborne made her forget all about Hasid until she overshot the little man and crashed into a stack of metal cargo containers. She let out a shriek of pain as she collapsed to the ground, the warehouse spinning around her.

“Bad stealer man!” Hasid admonished her. “Stealer man don’t know how lucky stealer man is. Robed man come to Hasid and tell of bad stealer man stealing nice things from ancient places. Robed man said robed man very busy and ask if Hasid help robed man with stealer man.”

Benny just moaned and tried to make the room stop twirling by holding her head with her paws. It wasn’t helping much.

“Hasid thinks it over and has good light bulb idea! Hasid make stealer man guard for shop and work off bad things stealer man did.”

“Whahuh?” Benny groaned. She could only see the little man by a riot of random colors illuminated by the lights from the workspace.

“Let Hasid help stealer man.” Benny heard the snap of fingers and felt something wash over her mind. “There! Sphinx girl should think clear now!”

There was a moment of vertigo, then Brooke felt the dizziness fade away. Yet she still felt strange. It only took her a few moments to figure out that the weird little intruder had done something to her mind. When she realized she was referring to herself as ‘Brooke,’ her vision began to cloud in a red haze of fury.

“What did you do? I can’t remember my name!” She noticed that the slang from years on the streets of Jersey was also gone.

“Silly sphinx girl! Brooke is good name for girl!”

“But I’m not a sphinx girl! I’m a human man! And my name isn’t Brooke! It’s...um…my name is…” She grunted with effort. “My name is…B-B-Be-Brooke Gray. No! That’s not right…”

Hasid looked at her curiously, waiting for her to finish the sentence, but no matter how hard she wracked her brain, she could not remember the name she had as a male. Anger began to well up inside her and she prepared herself for another attack.

“No no no no sphinx girl,” Hasid said. “Hasid very good at magic stuff, especially with mind. Sphinx girl named Brooke Gray now. It good name. And sphinx girl can’t attack Hasid. Hasid add spell for that too!”

She tried to throw herself at the turbaned fool. Yet despite her intent, she padded on all fours and rubbed her soft fur against his leg like a housecat. She pushed herself against him three times then returned to her former position near the crate. After the fit passed, she roared in frustration. A bizarre mixture of fury, confusion and embarrassment crossed over her face.

“Hasid not bad man, sphinx girl.” Hasid smiled and jumped a little, not really reacting to her insane behavior. “Hasid here to give you choice.”

“Oh yeah? What’s that?” She crossed her arms over her massive bosom and glared at him.

“Sphinx girl work for Hasid! Protect Hasid’s shop from stealer men and stealer women. Even help Hasid sometimes. Maybe learn Hasid’s skills. Hasid have no apprentice for many summers.”

“Wait a minute, you want me to guard your shop? Like this?” she gestured down to her half-naked sphinx body.

“Yes yes yes!” Hasid crowed. “Sphinx girl make good guard. Hasid and sphinx girl work together! Come with on journeys. Hasid teach magic and fun! Much excitement! Stealer man said he like excitement. Sphinx girl like excitement too!”

Brooke thought for a moment. “And when do I get to go back?”

Hasid huffed like a teakettle and stamped his feet, but he still answered. “Robed man tell Hasid that if stealer man not take Hasid’s offer, stealer man get stuck in cage for thirty summers with Normals. Hasid give much better offer! Sphinx girl work with Hasid for five summers, then sphinx girl can choose what sphinx girl do.”

“So either thirty years in prison or work with you like this for five.”

“Yes yes!” Hasid jabbered. “That is offer. Hasid hopes sphinx girl work with Hasid. Being sphinx girl named Brooke not bad. Even give sphinx girl free samples for sphinx girl momma.”

Brooke found herself laughing a little at the thought of sending samples of transforming incense to her mother. And it would probably be more interesting than skulking around random cities waiting for the next big score.

“Okay, fine, you have a deal. I don’t really have any choice anyway.”

Hasid leapt into the air and gave happy little hoot. “Hooray! Sphinx girl make Hasid very happy! Though Hasid and sphinx girl should leave now. Normal guard men coming soon.”

“So I guess I get to go back to your shop, huh?” she said morosely.

Hasid reached down and picked up the ‘Secret of the Pyramid’ incense and extinguished it. He slipped it into his trenchcoat and pulled out another similar box.

“Not yet, not yet, sphinx girl.” Hasid giggled. It sounded like the inspiration for a sitcom’s laugh track. “Hasid and sphinx girl take trip together first. Go see sphinx girl’s friend when friend arrives at Alps.”

Hasid handed the incense package to the sphinx girl. There was a picture of a small white rabbit on the front, surrounded by snowcapped mountains.

“Alpine Meadows Incense.” Brooke laughed as she read the name.

Maybe working with Hasid would be more fun than smuggling after all.