Dear Miss Made,

My girlfriend picked up a magic blade last week. Both of us enjoy it a whole lot, but I'm worried that we don't really understand how it works all the way. There just seem like a lot of things we don't get, you know?

Case in point: we played around with dividing her in half two days ago. I won't go into it, but we had a lot of fun. We actually went to bed with her still in two pieces. The next morning, we tried to put her back together, but she didn't reattach. She swears she was trying to reconnect, but it still didn't work.

She doesn't seem to mind much, but she's having to readjust a lot of things. I'm starting to worry that this might be permanent, and we're going to have to start shopping around for accommodations. Is this a thing we have to worry about? Are there any tricks we can try to reattach her?

Sincerely,

Concerned in Calgary

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Dear Concerned,

First of all, if you're worried about her adjusting to a life in two pieces, don't be! It's actually a pretty common lifestyle choice. There are all sorts of resources available at my website if your girlfriend would like to stay in two, or if you would too. Make sure the two of you make time to discuss this. The last thing you want to do is make the decision for her. If you sincerely feel uncomfortable with the idea, let her know, but just know that this may be something she truly wants.

As for reattaching after a long time separated, the easiest way is to use the original blade to reverse the separation. If you have a wide divider-style blade, it's super simple. Just place the two cut surfaces on either side of the blade, line them up correctly, and withdraw the blade. If you've got a regular sword-style blade, it's a little trickier. You need to place the two pieces back together, and then you basically need to slip the blade through the seam in the opposite direction without making a new cut. It's tricky to do by hand, which is part of why those sorts of blade are so much cheaper, but they sure are fun to use, right?

Typically, blades like that come with a tube of reattachment lotion, but a lot of people skip the extra expense, and I'm not gonna lie, I don't blame them. Nobody likes to be upsold on microtransactions. I don't even use the stuff myself, because here's a neat trick blade vendors hate: you can totally make something just as good at home!

For a person with a 24" waist, mix a tablespoon of petroleum jelly (I use Vaseline, #notsponsored) with half a tablespoon of rubbing alcohol and a single dose of vitamic C (a ground-up supplement tablet is fine). For a different-sized waist or a different area of the body, adjust the amounts of petroleum jelly and rubbing alcohol to scale, but always use one whole dose of vitamin C no matter the area to cover.

Mix everything together on a plate or in a cup, then pour the mixture onto one of the surfaces and spread it nice and even. Once the whole surface is evenly coated, set the other body part in place, and wrap the whole division in plastic wrap, just like a fresh tattoo. You want to make sure that none of the lotion leaks out, and obviously the person shouldn't do anything too strenuous for about an hour. After that, you should be able to remove the plastic wrap, and everything should be back where it came from.

Hope this helps, Concerned! And I hope both of you keep having fun with your new blade!

Yours in two,

Miss Made