Look at this Humphrey.

 

Ah, Prime Minister. You’re reading the papers again. I don’t think that’s such a good idea for someone in your position.

 

But they’re are full of it. I’m sure the press is turning against me.

 

Turning against you Prime Minister? Surely not. Their brave and fearless leader who swept to power with the biggest Parliamentary majority in British history? The man of the people who they believe will make the nation great again? The man whose hidden cameras have captured ‘kompromat’ on every media mogul in the country, and who has enjoyed universal adoration in the press ever since? They will surely never turn against you Prime Minister.

 

 But they’re full of this latest bloody feminist protest march. We need to get this stamped out Humphrey.

 

But why should it matter Prime Minister? Thanks to your swift and decisive actions women can’t vote anymore, so what does it matter what they think and protest about? You said it yourself, you don’t have to be afraid of them anymore.

 

But it looks bad Humphrey. And they might not be able to vote, but they can still influence their husbands. Look at these pictures. All these men marching with them. Why? Do they not like the new order we’re creating here?

 

Well Prime Minister, it doesn’t matter how many laws we make or get rid of, we can’t stop the women wearing the trousers in every marriage can we.

 

By Jove Humphrey, I think you’ve got something there. That’s exactly what we must do.

 

I’m sorry Prime Minister, must do what exactly?

 

Stop them wearing the trousers. At all. I can hear my speech already. “For centuries, since the dawn of history, women have worn skirts. It’s only in the last sixty years or so that that has changed and look how our society has gone to rack and ruin as a result. Marital breakdown, single mothers sponging of the state, children becoming delinquents because of lack of full time mothers, economic decline because of women in industry etc etc. All because women starting thinking they could wear trousers and be the equal of men. Well no more. The correct order will be restored. Women will know their place and that symbol of womanhood, the skirt will be back. And it will be back by law. Any woman who doesn’t wear a skirt will be considered a feminist subversive and will be arrested and punished appropriately. There will be no more women wearing trousers, either physically or metaphorically in my Britain.”

 

Ah-ha Prime Minister. Very rousing. Tell me, how many feminists do you think it will rouse onto the streets to protest?

 

Well, all of them hopefully. It will flush them out so we can arrest them. Excellent.

 

Yes Prime Minister. And what will you do when two million women march through the streets, all defiantly wearing trousers in protest? Are we going to arrest them all? Do we have enough prison capacity? Can the economy survive so many workers suddenly being absent because they are locked up at His Majesty’s pleasure?

 

Well perhaps we don’t arrest them all. Just the ringleaders.

 

And the rest? They will have broken your law too, Prime Minister. They will have to be dealt with otherwise it will make the government look weak. And that will embolden the opposition. Two million march one week. Four million the next, general strikes, economic paralysis… governments fall because of such things. Even governments led by a man such as yourself who has enjoyed such unprecedented and saint-like support in the media. It has given you carte blanche to do the unthinkable for several years. The 1918 Representation of the People act, The 1928 Equal Franchise Act, The Sexual Discrimination Acts of 1975, 1984 and 2010, The 2002 Sexual Offences Act, all swept away by your hand on a wave of public, and particularly male approval. And all started by you somehow getting The Daily Mail to say that lesbianism was a disease that could be cured.

 

Well it can be cured Humphrey. Our new re-alignment centres are proving that every day. The continuous sensory deprivation and genital stimulation treatment process is working wonders on these unfortunate, deranged women. Lesbians go in, well adjusted, normal women come out.

 

Yes Prime Minister. Erm, have any actually come out yet?

 

Well not as such Humphrey. But soon. The process is proving rather more difficult to perfect than we had hoped.

 

I’m sure it will become another great part of your legacy to the country, Prime Minister. Just one page in the catalogue of improvements to the social structure of our society that you have achieved. But what you propose with this, err, this skirt thing, it could be your downfall.

 

Downfall Humphrey? Why? Doesn’t the country as a whole want our new order? Not just men but women too? They want to be free of having to have jobs and careers. They want to get on with being wives and mothers and letting their men provide for them while they concentrate on making themselves beautiful. They recognise that equality didn’t make them any happier. They want to go back to how it used to be too. To a time when there was chivalry and when men were gentlemen and women were ladies. It’s only a minority that are feminists. We just need to crush them out.

 

Indeed Prime Minister, but your achievements in this endeavour, while certainly impressive, have also been rather simple to implement. Removing the acts that gave women their rights doesn’t give them anything to disobey. They can protest, but that is all. How can you be disobedient about having your rights removed? If your right to vote is gone then you cannot easily defy that by voting anyway. What you’re suggesting with this skirt idea is different. It is something they can disobey and that means they can challenge you. And if they challenge in sufficient numbers then they will win. This isn’t 1930s Russia. We can’t arrest millions of feminists and ship them off to Cornwall where they’ll never be heard of again.

 

Can’t we ship them off to The Falklands or somewhere like that?

 

Perhaps Prime Minister, if we had enough ships, and police. And if we could still count on the support of those men whose misguided, but nonetheless loved wives have been deported.

 

Hmmm. I suppose you’re right Humphrey. But how can we do it? Would it not be wonderful to have women back in their proper attire? It would make them feel like women again, instead of something that’s supposed to be like a man, yet not up to be being a man. And our streets would look so nice if they were filled with properly dressed ladies, all wearing their lovely skirts, and hats, and corsets too. Yes, we should get them back into corsets. How can they think they’re equal if they have to wear clothes that are so tight and cumbersome that they can hardly move in them? Look how great Britain was when women were in corsets. We ruled half the world.

 

I think the prime minister might perhaps be getting a little ahead of himself. A major social engineering project like that needs time. It took many generations to move away from that kind of society. It could take just as many to move back to it.

 

No, no, no Humphrey. I can’t wait for generations. I want to do it now.

 

Well Prime Minister, if we wish to subjugate our female population to that extent we must be clever. We must outwit our opposition and not give it a chance to fight back. We must avoid making high profile rules that we cannot enforce. We must use more subtle methods of control. I think I could perhaps suggest a way forward, but unfortunately my mind is a little preoccupied with my divorce at the moment. It seems I am in danger of losing my house over that business with the Swedish ambassador’s daughter in the basement and the missing keys to her handcuffs. Perhaps a slight amendment to The 1923 Matrimonial Causes Act might remove my current problem and release my mind to concentrate on more important matters of state?

 

What sort of amendment Humphrey?

 

I have it all written here in this white paper Prime Minister. We could slide it through The Commons tomorrow after the debate on local government reform, a subject so boring there’ll be hardly any MPs in The House to notice.

 

Oh, can we do that Humphrey? Can we slide bills through Parliament on the quiet?

 

I don’t see why not Prime Minister. We’ve been doing it for years.

 

Really?

 

How do you think we got your Treatment of Female Deviancy bill through last year?

 

Oh. Well let’s see that it’s done then. Now off you go and come up with a plan.

 

Thank you Prime Minister.