Oh, err. Please do excuse me Prime Minister. This must be Tuesday. I never could get the hang of Tuesdays.

 

Indeed it is Tuesday Humphrey. And this? Don’t worry, it’s not what it looks like.

 

I am relieved to hear it Prime Minister. But if it’s not what it looks like, then might I enquire what exactly it is?

 

Well I’m not having sex with a box if that’s what you’re thinking Humphrey. It’s a 3D scanner and I’m scanning my member while at the same time keeping it fully erect by reading your Matrimonial Causes bill and looking at this German website on my phone.

 

Well I am relieved. For a moment I thought it was something perverse. I shall not enquire further.

 

Oh relax Humphrey. It’s for Mary you know. Your German steel workers say they can 3D print a rubber replica of my member and fit it to the inside of her belt. I think it’s important that what she will feel inside her will authentically remind her of all that should be important to her. The Germans say they can also fit it to a scold’s bridle if I wish.

 

That is indeed most considerate of you Prime Minister. I’m sure that soon, under your leadership, so many of the men of our great nation will come to consider their wives’ fidelity with the same gallant and chivalrous attitude.

 

I think so Humphrey.

 

And might I enquire if the prime minister had a good weekend?

 

Yes, yes. Good thank you Humphrey. I’m all very excited you know, about everything we’re doing. It’s an effort to keep it all under control. The number of times this weekend that I nearly let slip to Mary what’s coming up for her… But I managed to keep it under wraps.

 

Ah, just like you intend to keep your wife in the future, Prime Minister. Under wraps that is.

 

Oh very good Humphrey. And how are things in the Humphrey household this week?

 

Well I can actually show you how they are Prime Minister. It is truly amazing what can be done with mobile phones these days and I can use mine to view a camera that is fitted in my cellar right now. See here.

 

Oh, and that looks like the lovely Mrs Humphrey, now safely installed behind her ‘barrier to penetration’ by the looks of it. Except the barrier doesn’t look very reliable. I mean I could… through the bars you know.

 

But it is the locked cellar door that is the real barrier Prime Minister. The cage is just a secondary measure.

 

Ah I see. And what about all the pieces of paper that are strewn everywhere?

 

Well I gave her a copy of the new Matrimonial Causes act to read. I thought it was important for her to know that her confinement is entirely legal.

 

Of course. That’s only fair. It seems from the way the papers are strewn on the floor that their contents might not have met with her approval.

 

Indeed not.

 

And her confinement is going to be for… long?

 

Until she learns how she is to behave.

 

Very magnanimous of you Humphrey. And since were swapping images on our phones, take a look at this. It’s what I’ve ordered from your German website for Mary.

 

Ooh, a very nice, err… belt, Prime Minister. It is however, how can I put this, not exactly a barrier to penetration though. I mean the, err, thing on the inside that will be a replica of you I presume, is surely going to enforce penetration rather than prevent it.

 

Well I’m enforcing her fidelity, not her chastity. And “Including, but not limited to”, they were the words you used Humphrey.

 

I suppose I did Prime Minister.

 

It is amazing what can be enabled by just a simple sentence in an act of Parliament isn’t it.

 

Indeed it is Prime Minister. And while we are thinking about acts of Parliament, I have something here for your consideration.

 

Oh yes? I think you might be on a role Humphrey so I’m all ears.

 

Well if you would take a look at this picture…

 

Is that your Aston Martin? Nasty dent in the front though. Someone didn’t…

 

Indeed someone did Prime Minister. A woman trying to park her Chelsea Tractor did that. Now I think it really is time that the nation came to its senses and got women off the roads. It’s a simple matter of safety. I have taken the liberty of drafting an amendment to the Road Traffic act of 1984. It’s very simple, it just bans the bitches from driving!

 

Now calm down Humphrey. We must tread carefully with something like this. We wouldn’t want it to be said that we would manipulate the laws of the land to further our own ends or needs for revenge.

 

No, Prime Minister. That would be abhorrent indeed. Please forgive me. I don’t know what came over me.

 

We’ll stick your bill through tomorrow after PMQs.

 

Thank you Prime Minister.

 

Will they still be able to ride around on those little moped things? I think we should still allow that. Ladies do look cute on a little moped.

 

I will write in this afternoon Prime Minister. But I suppose the moped would have be of the type where the seating arrangement is suitable for a rider wearing a skirt?

 

Oh yes, good point Humphrey. I would be lost without you.

 

Indeed Prime Minister.