By Prender

She was pure magic, without limitations, without form.

Well, until the lamp started rocking, anyway.

Oh great. He was calling her from the lamp again.

Ramona felt herself rise up, through the top of the lamp, her very essence reforming …

And she blinked. She was back in Drew’s basement.

Drew sat on the bed with the lamp in his hands.

“Wow, Ramona,” he said. “That smoke trick is fucking awesome.”

“It’s not smoke, Drew. It’s my magical essence that …”

He looked at her blankly.

“… Yeah, okay, thanks.”

“Cool T-shirt too,” he added. Ramona was wearing a Black Veil Brides T-shirt stretched tight across her chest, plus leather-look leggings and boots.

“You chose this T-shirt, Drew. I’ve told you before that I take the form that you want to see. Which is why I have eyeliner that would shame a panda and these things in my lip … what did you call them?”

“Snake bite piercings.”

“Yes, those.” Ramona sighed. “Black Veil Brides are a pretty cool band, though.”

“Uh-huh,” Drew said, drinking her in.

Ramona sighed again. This was getting to be a habit. She pushed her raven-black hair out of her eyes. “So, you’ve got a wish you want to make?”

And suddenly Drew looked very cagey. “Uh, no, not yet. Still thinking about it.”

“Aw. c’mon Drew! It’s been how long since you found the lamp? Six weeks?”

“Something like that, yeah.”

“And you still haven’t thought of a wish? I’ve had people blow through all their wishes in less than an hour!” Ramona scowled. She looked pretty when she scowled, Drew thought. Then again, she looked pretty all the time.

“Maybe you should run through the rules again,” he said.

Ramona began to tick them off her fingers. “One, you get three wishes. Two, none of those wishes can be for more wishes. Third, all of those wishes must apply to you in some way, so you can’t wish for, say, the moon to be made of ice-cream. Fourth, no wish can cause harm to another. And fifth, and most important, I do not have to call you master.” Well, not until he’d actually made a wish, but Drew didn’t have to know that.

“Uh-huh,” Drew nodded.

“So … anything? Anything at all?”

“I … can’t think of anything. Sorry.”

“Million dollars? New house? New job?” Or how about a cure for acne, Ramona thought sourly, but then she immediately felt bad. Drew might be 22 and still living in his mother’s basement, but he wasn’t a bad guy. In fact he was pretty damned nice. She should know — she’d had to grant wishes to some real assholes.

“Nope. I don’t need more money, I love my job, and I really like living at home.”

Ramona sat on the bed next to Drew. “See, here’s what I don’t get. You say you walked into that junk shop and the lamp called to you. That means the lamp’s magic felt you had a wish to make, a deep-seated desire that could only be fulfilled by me. But you keep saying you can’t think of a wish. I mean, it puts me in a weird position.”

“Hey, I’m sorry,” Draw said quickly. “I don’t mean to string this out. Uh, you say I get three wishes, right?”

“Right.”

“And after the third wish, I can’t call on you any more? The lamp is just a lamp?”

“Yep, until it finds someone else who needs a wish.”

“But … third wish, you’re gone? Outta here?”

“That’s the way it works. Thought of something?”

There was a pause, then Drew shook his head. “Sorry.”

“That’s okay. We can try again later.”

Another pause. And then Drew said, “So, you wanna hang out?”

Ramona blinked. “Was that a wish?”

“What? No! I mean, I don’t want to force you to do anything you don’t want to. It’s just … you know … you’re here and I’m here, and I don’t know what else you’d be doing otherwise … so …” Drew held his breath.

Ramona considered. “Did you finish playing Moongate Command yet?”

“Haven’t even touched it,” Drew said eagerly. “I was waiting for you.”

A slow smile spread over Ramona’s face. “Then prepare to be whupped.”

*

“Side jump! Side jump!”

“I know! I know!”

“You’re not doing it fast enough!”

“Hey, you’re playing against me! Stop trolling!”

“Hee hee! You catch on fast! Or no, wait, what’s the opposite of fast? That!”

“Argh! I’m out of laser blasts!”

“Oh, and here comes my space fighters … Blam! And so perish all my enemies! Woo and most definitely hoo!”

Ramona threw down her game controller and did a victory dance, making Drew smile.

“I can’t believe how good you’ve got at this game,” he said.

“Genies are fast learners, dude,” she grinned. “Gotta be in this job. Also, you kind of made me that way.”

“Yeah, you keep saying stuff like that and I don’t know what you mean.”

“Okay.” Ramona took a deep breath. “Let me try to explain it this way. Say the lamp is a Playstation, right? And the magic is, say, an RPG. Then that makes me a mentoring mode. So I take a different form and name that’s customised for the wish recipient to guide them through all this.”

“Name?” Drew frowned. “So you’re not really Ramona?”

“Well, I’m Ramona to you. But I’ve had all different names and forms over the centuries.”

“But all girls, right?”

“Mostly. Some guys. But the last time I was a guy was a few hundred years ago. A lot of straight guys seem to find my lamp, for some reason.”

“I can’t imagine you being a guy,” Drew said earnestly. “You make such a beautiful woman.”

“Aw, you’re sweet,” Ramona said. ‘’But don’t forget, I’m made from your imagination. So beauty’s in the eye of the beholder.”

“So wait.” Drew frowned. “The reason you’re good at console games is because I’m good at console games?”

“Right.”

“So how come you’re beating me?”

“Because,” Ramona said matter of factly, “I fucking rock.”

Yeah, Drew thought, you totally do.

“Come bowling with me tomorrow?” he blurted.

Ramona stared at him. “What?”

“Bowling. Ten pin bowling. There’s an alley at the …”

“Yeah, yeah, I know what bowling is,” Ramona said. “Even though I’ve never bowled … But shouldn’t you be concentrating on finding a wish?”

“Well, maybe I’ll be inspired at the lanes,” Drew said. “Unless you don’t think you can beat me.”

“Ooh!” Ramona’s face split into a grin. “You are so going to regret saying that.”

“So we’re on?”

“We’re on. Just rub the lamp when you want to go.”

“Cool! So, I suppose you should get going now,” Drew said as he heard his mom’s car pull into the driveway.

“Guess so,” Ramona said. “Until then.” And suddenly this beautiful woman began to dissipate like a fine mist until she was smoke, which promptly vanished into the lamp.

“Drew?” His mother’s voice sounded from the garage upstairs. “Could you be a dear and help me with these groceries?”

“Sure thing, mom,” he called. “Be right there.”

He looked forward to chatting with his mother over dinner. They were close and he could talk to her about anything.

Well, almost anything.

What the hell can I say? Mom, I’ve met this girl and she’s perfect for me in every way. Except that she’s not real and after I wish three times she’ll vanish forever. Oh, and she’s a bit older than me. Like, a thousand years older …

*

It was the best day ever.

When Drew had rubbed the lamp, Ramona had appeared in a short black dress, black stockings, boots and a leather jacket. His heart had begun to race. She looked beautiful.

“Yeahhh! Strike! Go team me!”

Ramona woo-hooed as her bowling ball hit its mark. Again.

“Are you sure you’ve never played this before?” Drew said wryly.

“Absolutely. Well, I played boules back in Florence in the 1600s, but that’s not quite the same game. For one thing, we didn’t wear these totally cool and not at all disgusting bowling shoes …”

“I thought I was good at this,” Drew said as he hoisted his ball. “I just seem to have gone all to pieces.”

“Maybe it’s your stance. Here.” Ramona lightly touched Drew’s back and corrected the way he stood. Sparks shot through him, and somewhere in his head Ray Stanz’s voice went “That’s great! Actual physical contact!”

“Okay, feel the tension in your body?”

“Actually, yes.”

“Relax. Let me take you through this. So, draw back your arm … tension …”

Definitely tension.

“… And release.”

Oh, if only.

The ball hit the lane smoothly and cleanly, heading straight and true. To Drew’s shock all the pins crashed to the ground.

“And score! Congratulations, man!”

Drew turned to high-five Ramona, who was flashing the biggest smile he’d ever seen. Full of pride, warmth, happiness and … was it his imagination that read something more in it?

God, she was amazing.

“Drew?” Ramona blinked at him. “You okay?”

“Fine,” he croaked. “I’m fine. Uh, you want to go get something to eat?”

*

Ramona waved her cheeseburger in the air. It was her second one, too, and that impressed the hell out of Drew.

“Yeah, so it was about 1890 — 1890? 1891? — and this guy said to me, ‘I wish for the biggest penis in the world’. So, you see the problem right away …”

“He hadn’t specified a human penis?”

“Yeah! So anyway, a blue whale’s penis is ten feet long … And it was his third wish, too …”

Ramona and Drew laughed like drains.

“Why would anyone wish for a big penis, anyway?” Drew wondered. “I mean, unless you also knew someone with the biggest vagina in the world. And even then …”

Ramona shrugged. “Third wish fever, what can I say? People tend to get through their real desires with the first and second wishes, so the third is usually something like ‘I want all the cake I can eat’.  People are always disappointed when they find just how much cake they really can eat. It’s not much.”

“Is this geek bothering you, babe?”

Drew blinked and looked up. Oh hell no.

Darren Brown, a real asshole who had bullied him through high school. He hadn't seen him in years.

Ramona raised one perfect eyebrow.

“‘Babe’? Seriously?”
“Just paying a beautiful lady a compliment,” Brown grinned. He was missing a front tooth.

Anger boiled up inside Drew, which had the paradoxical effect of making him icily cool. “Get out of here, Darren, and leave my girlfriend alone.”

Brown laughed. “‘Girlfriend’, loser?” he sneered. “C’mon, man, we both know this could never be your girlfriend. She’s way out of your league.”

Drew opened his mouth, then closed it. Shame flushed through him. He’s right, he thought.

Ramona was not, never could be, his girlfriend.

Then he noticed the death stare she was giving Brown.

“Well, you happen to be wrong there, creep,” Ramona sneered. “Drew’s my boyfriend.” She grabbed his hand. “And he’s the best I’ve ever had … if you know what I mean.”

Then she leaned over the table and planted a kiss right on Drew’s lips.

And somehow … it went further than the lips.

Drew’s surprise turned into shock, and then ecstasy.

Fireworks exploded. Bluebirds sang. Pinball machines racked up high scores.

If only this moment could last forever.

It didn’t, of course.

Drew blinked and looked at Ramona. Ramona blinked and looked at Drew.

And Brown said, “Now that was just fucking disgusting.”

“Brown! What the hell are you doing back here?”

Manny, the owner of the diner, was approaching with a scowl.

“I thought I’d banned you from here,” he snarled. “You’re not content with hitting on my waitresses, now you’re hassling the customers? Get the hell out of here before I call the cops.”

“Aw, Manny,” Brown whined. “I just came in to see Drew. He’s an old buddy of mine, ain’t we, Drew?”

Drew considered for a second. But no longer than a second.

“Darren is a creep and a loser and he’s been horrible to my girlfriend,” he said.

“So sorry, Drew. Okay, Brown, get out and don’t come back.”

Brown slunk out of the diner without a backwards glance.

“Hey, sorry again. How about another round of cheeseburgers on the house?”

Ramona grinned.

“Well,” she said, “I wouldn’t say no. They’re just such good cheeseburgers …”

*

“So …”

“Yeah, about the …”

“I didn’t …”

“I mean …”

Drew and Ramona were walking home, keeping a safe distance between themselves.

“That kiss.”

“It just seemed like the quickest way to defuse the situation.”

“So … you didn’t mean it?”

“I … it’s not that I didn’t mean it. I didn’t know it was going to go that far. But when I got there it just seemed …”

“Natural?”

“Yeah.”

They turned into Drew’s driveway and made their way to the steps down to the basement.

“That kiss was amazing, by the way,” Ramona said as they stood outside the door. “Best I’ve had in several hundred years. I … Drew, are you … you’re crying?”

“Sorry, sorry.” Drew wiped his eyes. “It’s just that … Ramona, I think I’m in love with you.”

For the first time since he’d discovered the lamp weeks ago, Ramona was speechless.

A wave of misery ran through him.

“It’s just … oh God … I just wish you could be my girlfriend for real …”

“WHAT DID YOU SAY???”

She was so loud that Drew leapt back and stumbled against the steps.

“Drew! Dude!” Her eyes were shining and her grin was huge. “You did it! You made a wish!”

“I … I guess I did.”

Ramona was practically cackling now. “That was it! That’s what drew the lamp to you! That’s the wish only I could fulfil! Oh man, what a relief!”

“Who cares?”

“What?”

“I mean it. Who cares?” Drew looked away. “Because it’s the one wish you can’t fulfil. You’re a genie, not a person. You said it yourself — you’re only you because that’s what I want you to be, and once I make the wishes you’re gone forever.”

“Don’t be too sure.”

The voices came from two different directions at the same time.

Drew looked back. And blinked.

Because before him were two identical Ramonas.

He stared, switching his gaze from one to the other, before finding his voice.

“What’s going on here?”

“It’s simple, dude,” one Ramona said. “You wished for me to be your real girlfriend.”

“So the magic split us in two,” the other Ramona said. “Genie Ramona — that would be me — and Real Girl Ramona …”

“… Who would be me. And … Drew … this isn’t magic now. I think … I think I love you too.”

Drew’s head whirled. This was almost too good to be true.

“You’re not going to vanish after three wishes?”

“Nope. I’ll be here with you forever. Till death do us part, and all that.”

They didn’t even think about embracing, it just seemed to happen naturally. And if the first kiss was good … well … the second was even better.

“Goddess!” Genie Ramona rolled her eyes. “Get a room, guys.”

Get a room? Suddenly that sounded like a wonderful idea.

“Ramona,” Drew said, “I still have two more wishes, right?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay, I think I know what the second wish is …”

*

The house was perfect. Right next door to his mother, close enough to keep her company, far enough away for privacy.

Real Ramona was staring in awe at the furniture. “Dude, it’s got a room just for guitars! You never told me you could play guitar!”

“Um, yeah. Not well, but … I guess I’ll practice more now that I’ve got a whole room for it.”

“And did you see the consoles? Oh, we’re gonna have so much fun together …”

Oh, and that reminded him.

Drew motioned to the genie. “Can we talk about the third wish?”

She nodded.

Drew grinned. “I want to be able to beat Ramona at Moongate Command.”

“Wait, what?” The genie stared a second. Then grinned too. “Now, you can see the loophole there, right? I’m guessing that’s deliberate.”

“Yup. I want to be able to beat Ramona at the game … when it’s deserved. When I actually play better than her.”

“You understand that ‘times when I play better than Ramona’ may clearly involve the number nought.”

“Don’t care.”

“Done.” The genie Ramona smiled. “Now that’s three wishes, and I’m outta here. You have a good life, you crazy kids.”

Drew opened his mouth to say goodbye, but she was already gone, and anyway she was already fading from his memory.

“Who were you talking to?” Ramona, his girlfriend, laughing, grabbed his arm. “I can’t believe it! Our first night in our own place! Come and check out the bedroom …”

She whispered in his ear. “If you know what I mean.”

Grinning, Drew allowed himself to be dragged upstairs. He couldn’t believe his luck, to find this girl, the perfect woman for him.

He glanced at the mantlepiece as he left the room. At the old, battered lamp he’d rescued from a junk shop the day he’d met Ramona. She’d been outside standing on the street and had commented on it. One thing had led to another and here they were, so damned happy, lucky enough to get this house next to his mom, who had taken to Ramona from the start.

You could say the lamp had brought them together.

He couldn’t wish for anything more.