By Keytee-chan and Prender

TF: Merging and other assorted lunacy

Eight in the evening, and a cry rumbled through the city.

“Beware, evil-doers, wherever you are!”

From out of the darkness, he emerged. And emerged. And emerged.

Nine feet tall, with a chin that resembled a pickaxe, a gleaming bald head, and arms where the biceps had biceps. He wore a blue spandex suit with the letters “MM” emblazoned on the chest.

They stood, of course, for Muscle Mountain, the most powerful superhero in the city. Okay, the only superhero in the city.

He spied the cowardly criminal cowering and roared “Your foul deeds shall not go unavenged!”

The crook was fumbling with his pants, trying to do up his zipper. “Have mercy, Muscle Mountain! I was just relievin’ myself in this dark alleyway after a night at Sullivan’s Bar!”

“Yeah, and that’s just plain disgustin’! They have a bathroom at Sullivan’s, ya creep!”

Muscle Mountain prepared to fight the crook. And stopped. The dude had just fainted dead away.

Right in the puddle of …

Man, he was going to smell in the morning.

Okay, smell worse.

*

Muscle Mountain was flying through the night. It wasn’t as easy as it sounds. It was dark, for one thing, and there were a surprising number of tall buildings that appeared out of nowhere. Still, it was preferable to flying through the day. Less birds to avoid.

He sighed. He’d been fighting crime all day and half the night, and what had he nabbed? A shoplifter, a jaywalker, and an incontinent drunk. Jeez, he was a superhero! He had powers far beyond those of ordinary men! Those powers being muscles, muscles and more muscles.

That was the problem with being the only superhero in town. No good arch-villains. Now, he wasn’t tempting fate, but Superman had Lex Luthor, Spider-Man had Doctor Octopus, Batman had Catwoman, and what did he have? Phil “Light Fingers” Fogerty, a guy banned from the local bodega for being too light-fingered with Hershey bars.

Wait. Go back to Catwoman. Mmmm … Julie Newmar … Now that was a villain you could get to grips with.

Muscle Mountain landed at his secret lair, a brightly painted house that practically screamed “kawaii as hell”.

And the huge hulking figure dissolved, with seven figures flying apart.

Six of them were women, and of those six, three were sisters.

“Woo-hoo!” Tiffany screamed. “I love flying!”

“Don’t forget the muscles,” her older sister Mercedes smirked. “God, I love being able to crush someone’s head like a walnut! Er … not that I ever would, of course …”

“I like helping people,” their younger sister Paris said quietly. “Don’t you, Simon?”

Simon didn’t answer, mostly because he was on his knees puking. Damn, he hated flying. It did something terrible to his stomach.

The other three women were speaking volubly in Japanese, which was unsurprising, since they were, in fact, Japanese. One of them pointed to Simon and giggled, and soon all three were chortling. What were their names again? Yukio, Asuka and … Meghan? No, that would be weird. Oh, what the hell was he thinking? His life was weird.

It all started when he and Tiffany went on a blind date. By accident — that is, falling into a huge hole in the ground — they’d discovered they could smoosh their bodies together and make someone else. A big bald muscly guy they called Big Boy Pete.

Then somehow they’d run into Tiffany’s sisters, and they merged to make Big Boy Pete even bigger and more muscly. And then they’d met three Japanese girls who could merge to become Gattai-Chan, and when Pete and Gattai-Chan merged … they made the Muscle Mountain, who had superpowers and …

… and life was totally weird.

Simon wiped his mouth. “So, what do you guys wanna do now?”

“Too early for bed,” Mercedes said. “How about a quick game of Monopoly?”

“Ha! There’s no such thing as a quick game of Monopoly.”

“Haven’t you heard of the fast version?”

“Even the fast version is slow.”

“Wait, that doesn’t make sense. How can something fast be slow?”

“Hey, guys!”

“Well, fast is obviously relative. The earth goes round the sun quickly compared to, say, Pluto going around the sun.”

“Hey, guys!”

“What? What does outer space have to do with Monopoly?”

“I was just using it as an example to …”

‘HEY, GUYS!”

Paris was screaming, which was so unusual that everyone stopped and stared at her. She blushed, but continued: “Does anyone else see that light in the sky?”

They all looked up to see a glittering purple light. As they watched it rapidly became larger and larger, until belatedly they realised it was coming straight for them.

“DUCK AND COVER!” Tiffany screamed. And as they all frantically threw themselves away, the light ploughed into the ground.

Simon waited for an explosion that never came. Cautiously he lifted himself off the ground, to find …

… her.

The woman was tall. And purple. Her hair cascaded down her back, and it too was purple. She was wearing a silver dress straight out of some old 1950s SF movie, and go-go boots. Her lipstick was shiny, her eyeshadow dark, and her breasts … well, her breasts looked like someone had strapped two bombs to her chest.

Simon simply stared at the purple-skinned woman.

She pointed at him. “You! Simon! Please make Muscle Mountain!”

Surprised, Simon asked her: “How do you know my name?”

She snorted. “I know all your names! But no time for explanations. I have travelled vast distances across the galaxy to find the Muscle Mountain. My people need his help!”

“Wait, what do you mean ‘no time for explanations?’’’

“Please, every minute we hesitate is a minute lost!”

“Hang on …” Simon began, but behind him he heard a cry. It was in Japanese, so he didn’t understand what it was, but the next moment the three Kawaii girls bounced into him. His body bulged out as it absorbed the girls, distending horribly, and then he had become Bigger Boy Pete.

Pete glanced down at his biceps. “Nice, but if space chick is right, we’re gonna need more power! Ladies?”

With a smile Tiffany, Mercedes and Paris embraced him and were one by one sucked into him. His body bulged again, and there was Muscle Mountain.

“Cool! I’m even bigger!” he said. “In all the right places!” Muscle Mountain grinned. He sauntered over to the alien woman. “Well, hello baby. Come to this planet often?”
The alien’s cheeks went even purpler than the rest of her, and Muscle Mountain realised she was blushing. “Oh great hero, it is an honour to meet you. I am Mera of the planet Mergon. I beseech you to aid us in our hour of darkness!”

“Sure thing, lady. Heck, I could never turn down a dame like you. Just lead the way.”

“And the way is … up!”

Mera took Muscle Mountain’s hand, and together they flew straight up into space. If Pete had looked behind him he would have seen his planet grow smaller as it receded into the distance. But he didn’t look back, which was a good thing for Simon’s stomach.

Soon they were flying past Mars. Mara frowned. “Hang on a moment, I’m trying to remember where we parked. Oh … there!”

Before them appeared a gigantic spaceship. Muscle Mountain whistled. That was one big mother … er … mothership! If it had appeared at the beginning of Star Wars, the whole movie would have been just watching this ship go overhead.

“In here!” Mera flew towards an open space. Muscle Mountain followed, and when he passed through its borders he realised it was an airlock. Fresh air flooded the space and he realised he’d been holding his breath the entire trip.

Mera strode through the corridors confidently as Muscle Mountain followed. As he looked about, he realised two things: 1. all the crew were women, and 2. all the crew were fabulous-looking women! Yowsa, he thought.

Finally they came to a big room packed with dozens of the crew. As he walked in, they all fell silent.

“It is he!” Mara declared triumphantly. “I have brought him! Our hero of the hour!”

There was dead silence, broken by a cute alien girl. “Wow, mister, you’ve got a really big chin!”

“Asteria!” Mera chided. “I’m very sorry, Muscle Mountain, this is my niece Asteria. She’s very young.”

“Hey, no problem,” Muscle Mountain said with a chuckle. “How ya doin’ girly?”

Curiously, Asteria walked up to him. “Are you really an earthling fusion warrior?”

“A what?” Muscle Mountain said blankly. “Only fusion I know is from the 1970s. Mahavishnu Orchestra, ya dig?”

“Perhaps at this point I should explain,” Mera said hastily. “You see, everyone on this ship is a fusion of exactly seven girls each. That has long been the way of our planet … and yours.”

“Mine? Ya mean earth?”

Mera sighed. “No, not earth. Okay, this is going to take some explaining and you might want to sit down …” She looked at him and realised there was never going to be a chair on this ship big enough for him. “Or stand. Standing’s good too.”

“Get on with it,” Muscle Mountain growled.

“Well, the thing is, Muscle Mountain, you’re one of us. You’re from our planet.”

“But …”

“You see, your existence was predestined. All of those who can merge on Mergon are female, and all our merged forms are female. But it was foretold a male fusion would be born. You!”

“Well, I’ll be a monkey’s uncle!” Muscle Mountain exclaimed.

“Our leader knew a male fusion was a powerful weapon, so she proclaimed that the seven children who would make him up be disguised and sent to earth to be raised there.”

Muscle Mountain stared.

“Sorry, I know it’s hard to take in,” Mera apologised.

“Naw, actually it makes a lot of sense,” Muscle Mountain said slowly, rubbing his chin. “Like how Simon and Tiffany merged … and then the sisters … and the Kawaii trio.”

“Exactly! It was inevitable that you would meet and discover your powers!”

“But why am I the only male fusion?”

“A male fusion is the most powerful one, and the rarest,” Mera explained. “That’s why you were kept secret — you’re a secret weapon for our fusion army. And now you are needed more than ever!”

“Why, what’s the problem?”

“For decades we have been fighting the Mecha — an evil race of robots. Recently we discovered the last control centre of the Mecha. If we could destroy it, all the Mecha would be shut down for good. But it is so highly defended that even our entire fusion army could not destroy it.”

“I get it. But with me on yer side …”

“Yes!” Mara looked at him pleadingly. “Will you help us, Muscle Mountain?”

He thought for a minute, then nodded. “Heck, I couldn’t turn down a woman as pretty as you. Besides, what would you do without me? Heh heh!”

“Yes!” The assembled multitude cheered in unison.

*
A while later …
“Fusion troops stand by for merger!”

As Muscle Mountain watched, each girl joined a battalion of exactly seven women. “Hey, what gives? I thought each girl was already made up of seven girls!”

Mera smiled. “Keep watching.”

Each battalion made its move, and seven women were absorbed together, becoming one. They were now about 10 feet tall and looked like the finalists in a bodybuilding competition. They still looked feminine, thanks to their silver SF dresses and updo hairstyles.

Muscle Mountain thought they were the most beautiful things he’d ever seen.

“Woah! That’s one fine-lookin’ army!” he said, impressed.

“Indeed. And now it is my turn to merge, Muscle Mountain,” Mera said. She and another six girls, including her niece, joined together.

“Yow! Lookin’ good, Mera!” Muscle Mountain said.

“My name is now Mafee,” the woman announced, her voice now a rumble.

Muscle Mountain looked around. “So wait, all these women are seven girls merged into seven girls merged into one?”

“That is correct. They are fusions of 49 women. And don’t worry, despite the fact that we all look alike, we are all individuals.”

“Yes,” the army chorused. “We are all individuals.”

(Hat tip to M.Python.)

“Now, Muscle Mountain, it is your turn,” Mafee added.

“My turn? What ya talkin’ about?” Then Muscle Mountain noticed six shy alien girls approaching him and he got it. “Ohhhh right.” He chuckled. “Glad I’m getting my share!”

The girls merged with Muscle Mountain and he became even bigger and muscle-y if such a thing were possible. And as he merged, something happened.

He remembered.

He remembered everything about his homeland. He remembered knowledge of vast, distant worlds. He remembered his birth name: Zaman. Heck, he even remembered where he’d left the TV remote.

Mafee looked at him and blushed. Everything had got bigger … everything.

She looked proudly at her battalions.

“To battle!” she cried.

The battalion cheered.

“And please, remember to visit the lavatory before you hit the battlefield.”

*

Through the coldness of interstellar space, an army of fused warriors made of fused warriors flew to the Mecha control centre. Up to meet them flew an army of space robots.

No words could do justice to the thrilling vision of battle joined. So I won’t bother. Just take my word for it, it was most bleedin’ epic.

With a roar, Zaman led the way, ploughing through the robots, biting the heads off with glee and spitting them out. He glanced around, proud as the fusion army made short work of the enemy. He could see the control centre ahead of him.

“Hey, this is gonna be easier than I thought!” he said. Which was, of course, totally the wrong thing to say.

With victory in sight, the control centre rose up in the air.

“It’s transforming!” Mafee cried.

Within seconds, it had changed into a giant planet-sized robot.

“Jeez, why couldn’t it have been a Volkswagen?” Zaman groaned.

“I knew this would happen!” Mafee told him. “Don’t worry, we have a backup plan.”

“Oh? Feel like explaining that backup plan any time soon?”

Mafee took a deep breath. “The Mega Merge. All of us must fuse.”

Zaman goggled at her. “All of us??? That’s a heck of a lot of people!”

“We are 16,807 strong.”

“Okay, so that’s … uh … oh crap, a whole lotta folk. Is that even possible?”

“It is predestined,” Mafee said.

One by one the fused warrior girls flew into Zaman. As each did, he became larger and even more powerful. And then as they continued he bulged out, eventually becoming a big formless blob.

“Oh, Zaman,” Mafee said when she was the only one left. “I’ve always dreamed of being together with a man like you.” And then she flew straight into the blob, being swallowed up too.






Now the blob was the size of a planet. Inside of it, 823'543 minds, 823'542 female and one male, were becoming one. One mind. One masculine mind.

And the blob took shape, becoming a muscular — but not overly muscled — humanoid. And he was as handsome as all get-out, and his hair was perfect.

“I am Foosin!” he cried, and his voice was like a million harpsichords sounding at once. “I am the fusion god! And I am reborn!”

And he looked upon the evil giant robot, and he saw that it was evil. And he flew for it, and the evil robot said oh holy crap. And the robot was destroyed, and verily the universe was saved from the threat of the Mecha.

And then he flew to a council of all the universe’s omnipotent beings, and was thanked and awarded the rank of a galaxy god. But he declined, modestly, saying he just wanted to get back to his life. Well, his 823,543 lives.

And then he woke up.

*

Simon jerked upright on the sofa. “Woah, that was the weirdest dream I’ve ever had,” he thought.

He looked in the mirror. He looked a bit pasty. Maybe he should get some air.

Outside the flat he was surprised to run into Tiffany and her sisters. “Oh hey, Tiff!” he said. Maybe some merging would make him feel better.

He walked up to Tiffany and tried to smoosh into her, but nothing happened.

“Ugh! What are you doing, weirdo!” Tiffany cried as her sisters giggled.

“Uh, sorry. I just had a weird dream, and, well …” Simon walked away, very confused.

On the next corner he saw three Japanese girls busking. Ah! He went up to them. “Ah! Girls! You make Gattai-chan … we make Pete … yes?”

The biggest girl stared at him. “We speak English perfectly well, you know.”

“Oh! Sorry. So you don’t … uh … make Muscle Mountain?”

“You what?” The girl jerked her thumb. “On your way, creep.”

As Simon walked away, he heard one of them say, “Boy, and I thought I watched too much anime.”

*

So was all this just a dream, Simon wondered as he walked the streets. Was he just some geek with a bizarre fantasy life? Was he never destined to be a big strong guy? Because that felt awesome, even with the flying that upset his stomach.

“Uh, excuse me, sir?”

He turned, and his heat skipped a beat.

She had strawberry blonde hair, a heart-shaped face, a cute vintage dress, and a smile that struck him right in the heart.

“Uh …” he went. Oh, great help, brain.

“I was just wondering,” she said, “if there’s a Panda Express around here.”

Simon’s mouth shifted up a gear. “Oh, sure, there’s one about a block down the right. Uh, you new in town?”

“That’s right,” she smiled, and it was like a thousand flowers blooming. “Me and my six sisters just moved into town.”

“Oh. So, uh, you want to go on a date some time?” he blurted.

Amazingly, she agreed. “Sure, that’d be cool! Why don’t we start now at Panda Express?”

“Sure!” And they walked off.

“Oh, I’m Simon, by the way.”

“I’m Mary. Mary Mera.”

“Mera? That sounds familiar … no … can’t place it.”

And off they walked.

And under Mary Mera’s dress wagged a cute small purple tail.

THE (LIVING) END