TF (statues)

Karen was staring.

Her eyes grew wide, yet somehow she still had trouble taking in the sight before her.

“Wow,” she said.

Her wife Tori, her own eyes as big as saucers, agreed.

“Wowwww,” she said.

They kept staring at the statue before them.

“Wowwwwwww.”

“Wowwowwow.”

“I mean …”

“Wow?”

“Yeah.”

“I see you’ve found Caroline and Ryan,” said a voice behind them.

They turned, to find their friend Lexi standing there.

“Nice to see you made it,” she grinned.

“How could we not make it after the build-up on the invitations?” Karen replied. “Exhibition of Erotic Sculpture! One week only at the Hall of Statuary Gallery! Direct from Amsterdam!”

“Don’t forget the ‘Not For Kiddies’ warning,” Tori added.

“They got that right,” Lexi muttered.

The sculpture before them displayed a man and woman, both totally naked and exaggeratedly curvy, caught in the midst of what looked like the most explosive orgasm of their lives.

Karen blinked again. And stared again.

“And that’s really Caroline and Ryan?” she said.

“Afraid so,” Lexi nodded. “This is, I think, the third exhibition they’ve been in. And this is one of the milder poses.”

“Wow,” Tori said admiringly. “That’s dedication. I can’t imagine being so stiff for so long … what did I say?” she asked as Karen and Lexi began to giggle.

“I’ll tell you later … so, wait, Ryan and Caroline are the only transformed couple here?”

“Uh-huh,” said Lexi as she looked around the room. “The others are all real statues. Who knew there were so many erotic statues being produced around town?”

“And they’ll be statues for another day or so?”

“Right, all solid marble. No breathing or eating, although they can still sense everything around them. Which means they’re both getting off on this.”

“Guys! I can totally hear you!” Caroline’s voice hissed, although the expression on the female half of the statue didn’t seem to shift from unending bliss.

“Ah, you love the attention, don’t try to deny it,” Lexi grinned.

“Hey, folks!”

Lexi’s partner Julian joined them, beaming as usual, carrying two flutes of champagne. Tori smiled; she liked Julian a lot, his easy smile, his puppy like enthusiasm and his total devotion to Lexi. Although, as Karen sometimes pointed out, it was weird how much alike Julian and Lexi looked from certain angles …

“Oh! Champagne! Thanks, hon,” Lexi said, taking one of the flutes.

“Hey, where did those come from?” Karen asked.

“Free bar over there.” Julian pointed with his glass. “Want me to get you girls some?”

Karen smiled gratefully. “Actually, that would be very nice. I’m sure we could do with a drink.”

Tori’s gaze was again riveted to the statue. “I’ll say.”

*

One drink turned into three drinks. Then more when Lexi and Julian invited them to dinner at this nice little Italian restaurant around the corner. Then after they’d left, Karen and Tori had noticed the half-price sign in the window of their favourite lesbian bar. And after they’d walked out into the street, still chatting about how it might feel to be an erotic statue, they realised all they had left to drink were a couple of bottles of Ultimate Potion, the transformation addict’s friend …

So they drank them.

*

Oh my head. What did I DO last night?! And wait, why am I so stiff all over?

Karen’s head was swimming, and she was seeing double, and worst of all she couldn’t move. What had happened? Had she got so drunk that she’d paralysed herself? Her focus began to return, and she realised she wasn’t at home. In fact, she was out in the open. In what looked like the local park. And …

Wait. Stiff???

She was on her hands and knees, and grinning, and someone was behind her doing …

The awful truth dawned.

“Oh God! I’m a statue!”

And not just a statue. A very naked statue. In full public view.

She was suddenly wide awake. Wait, where were her clothes? And her bag? And, most of all, her wife? Her tousle-headed blonde wife? Who really should have stopped her from becoming a statue?

And who was behind her, anyway? She couldn’t turn her neck to look, being made of marble. She could only sense them with their hands on her buttocks …

“Tori!” Karen hissed.

Silence. Then a very sleepy “huh?”

“Tori! Wake up! We’re a statue!”

“We’re a … what? Hey, why can’t I move?”

“Because we’re a statue, damn it! Wake up!”

“We’re … a statue?”

“Yes! A very, very naked statue! In the middle of the goddamned park!”

Suddenly Tori was wide awake. “We’re a statue!”

“Yes!”

“We’re an erotic statue!”

“Yes!”

“Doing erotic things!!!”

“YES!”

“Oh my God! How do we get out of this?”

“What? Wait, haven’t you read any of our exploits before? You’re the one who gets us out of stuff!”

“Yeah, well, that’s when I’m not a marble statue waving my bare ass in the air. In other words, I’m way too panicked for logical thinking.”

“Okay, okay,” Karen breathed. She tried to calm herself down. “Well, we could just change ourselves back with a bit of effort.”

“But then we’d be naked,” Tori pointed out. “And humans. How do we sneak home in the nude?”

“Could we turn ourselves into bicycles and ride home?”

“Uh, no. Unless you want everyone to watch two riderless bicycles going down the road.”

“Damn.” Karen tried to think. “Okay, well, it’s still early and there’s not many people in this park. Thank heavens we haven’t been seen by anyone we know.”

“Karen, Tori … is that you?”

Damn! Karen knew the voice right away. Sure enough, slowly walking into her view was Mrs Wintergreen, the wife of Mr Wintergreen, who ran the Potion Place, where Tori and Karen found all their transformation needs.

Mrs Wintergreen looked slightly shocked. Then amused.

“You girls decided to try Caroline and Ryan’s thing, eh?” she chuckled. “A word of advice, you might want to do so in a less public space than the park.”

“Uh, we didn’t really mean to …” Tori began.

“It’s all right, dear,” Mrs Wintergreen waved. “Let me guess … was alcohol involved?”

“Sort of.”

“Sort of?”

“Yes!” Karen cried. “We were drunk! Again!”

“Oh, girls, girls …” By now Mrs Wintergreen was trying hard not to laugh out loud. “Well, at least you look like you’re having a good time.”

If a statue could have blushed, Karen and Tori would be bright red.

“But it’s getting on, and soon the park will fill up. You should probably change back.”

“Well, that’s just it, Mrs Wintergreen,” Karen explained. “We don’t know where our clothes are.”

Mrs Wintergreen looked around. “Hmmm. You’re on a plinth. I’d say that’s where your clothes are. Or rather, what your clothes are. Once you change back to your human selves, they should change back too.”

“But then we’d be naked … until we could get our clothes on …”

“I see.” Mrs Wintergreen pondered a bit. “How about this — I shrink the statue down until it’s too small to be seen, then you can change back.”

“Oh, can you do that, Mrs Wintergreen?” Karen said with a burst of gratitude.

“Of course! I’m a witch, after all. And ladies, it’s Barbara.”

She stepped back and did a little magic mojo thing, and the girls could feel themselves getting smaller and smaller …

Something big and pink took up Karen’s field of vision, and she realised it was one of Barbara’s legs.

“Tori? We need to change back now,” she said.

“Ahead of ya, girlfriend. One, two …”

And two naked girls the size of Barbie dolls sat sprawled on the grass amongst a mess of clothing.

Barbara’s giant face grinned down at them. “Oh my! You girls look so cute like that!”

Tori dropped to her knees and threw up.

“Okay, scrub that last statement,” Barbara said.

“Sorry, Barbara,” Tori winced. “It’s just that I’ve got a really bad hangover.”

“Me too,” Karen said with a groan. Now that the panic had passed, her ugly thumper of a headache was back trying to crack her skull open from the inside.

“Hmm. Well, I hope that teaches you a lesson,” Barbara said.

“Don’t drink?”

“No, I don’t think that’s a lesson you two are ever going to learn. I was thinking more of, keeping the Potion Place Instant Hangover Cure on hand.”

Karen looked up as she wriggled into her dress. “What? Mr Wintergreen does a hangover cure?”

“Of course! It’s our biggest seller!” Barbara winked. “Well, apart from the potion that turns you into spaghetti …”

Now Tori was sure Barbara was joking. Still …

“I’ve got an idea,” Barbara said. “Why don’t you girls stay small, climb into my bag and come with me to the Potion Place? I’m sure Lance has some hangover cure on hand for such an occasion.”

“You think he’d give us some?” Karen said as she and Tori clambered into the Barbara’s mostly empty bag. “I still owe him for the last round of Ultimate Potion.”

“Believe me, honey, once I tell him how I came across you, that’ll be payment enough for the hangover cure.” Barbara winked at the two tiny girls as she set off down the park. “Besides, he said himself he’d hoped you’d drop in. He’s been working on a potion that turns people into tar on a road, and he said it was the sort of thing you’d be into.”

“Hmmm …” Karen said, a glint entering her eye. “That sounds pretty amazing.”

“Bags turning into a steamroller and running over you!” Tori said, breaking into a grin.

This might turn out to be a good day after all, they thought.