TF (various silly ones)

“Welcome back to the Adam Fox Memorial Stadium, where the second half in this year’s Superbowl is about to get under way. I’m Carl Foot, and with me is Pete Face. We’ll remind you this game is brought to you by ChangeSerums, the one-shot solution for all your transforming needs. And boy, they were put to good use in the halftime show, right, Pete?”

“I’ll say, Carl. I don’t know how they made 100 clones of Beyonce, but it was pretty darn spectacular. Makes up for that wardrobe malfunction when Janet Jackson was turned into a wardrobe.”

“Pete, what do you think of the game so far?”

“Well, the Seattle Space Heaters haven’t really warmed up yet, but they remain very competitive against the Tennessee Table Lamps. We’re looking forward to a half of aggressive play and amazing transformations.”

“I’ll have to interrupt you now, Pete, because the Space Heaters are taking the field, and — oh! Ron Whipley has transformed into a xenomorph! You thought he was big before, well, now he’s 10 feet tall and telepathic.”

“That will be a distinct advantage for the Space Heaters. Also, the Table Lamps will have to avoid his drool, which I’m informed is highly acidic.”

“Now, I thought that someone who transformed into a xenomorph didn’t have the ability to produce acid toxins.”

“I think you’ll find that’s if they’ve transformed using a Venn Machine, Carl. With a ChangeSerum, anything goes.”

“I stand corrected. Well, the teams can use up to five transformations, so what else should we expect, Pete?”

“Well, Space Heaters coach Reg Boodle is fond of having linebacks who have the ability to turn invisible at will, but he tends to keep that on hold for later in the game. But here come the Table Lamps onto the field. Looks like the only change they’ve made is having quarterback Joshua Deadtree turn into a woman.”

“What do you think the advantage to the Table Lamps is there, Pete?”

“Apart from the bikini she’s wearing? Well, I believe Deadtree is in fact now a catgirl, so I’m guessing increased dexterity, running skills, and enhanced sense of smell. Plus a tail, of course.”

“And the second half begins and — OH! WHIPLEY’S EATEN THE QUARTERBACK! Pete, can he do that?”

“I would say not, but I’m no expert on xenomorphs.”

“No, I mean according to the rules.”

“Well, since the game was changed to allow for transformations, the answer is yes. You might recall that game from earlier this year when half of the Miami Dolphins were devoured by lions.”

“We should reassure our viewers that any players eaten during the game will simply reappear after they’ve been digested. They’re still out of the game, though.”

“Deadtree’s been replaced by a distinctly nervous Phil Bransteed. And Table Lamps coach Dick Meek is making signs at him … it’s kick off … and Bransteed is turning into a ball! There are two balls on the field! The Space Heaters seem very confused about which is the real ball … Cringle grabs the wrong ball! He runs … passes … and wait, one of the Space Heaters is turning into a brick wall! Cringle runs into the wall! He’s knocked out!”

“Meanwhile, the real ball is rolling down the field … Whipley’s got it! Wait! He’s punctured it with his claws! He’s wincing, so I’m assuming Boodle is giving him a good talking to via telepathy.”

“Cringle’s being taken off the field, and he’s being replaced by … wait … it’s either a giant mantis or Lady Gaga.”

“Let’s hope it’s the latter. We’ll be right back after these very expensive messages.”