(TF)

“Wow. That was … incredible.”

“Thank you. You weren’t so bad yourself.”

“It wasn’t just the sex. It was dinner, the ride through the park … everything.”

“I guess I’m just a romantic at heart.”

“God, I feel so good. Nothing can break my mood.”

“Darling, there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Oh my God, I knew it! You’re married!”

“What? No! Why would you think that?”

“Well, it was either that or you’re gay, and I’m pretty sure after the past hour that wasn’t the case …”

“No, it’s just that, uh, well, it’s difficult for me to say, but … I’m a vampire.”

“Oh.”

“I know it’s difficult to believe.”

“Actually, no, it explains a lot.”

“Right.”

“Like how I’ve only ever seen you at night.”

“Yep.”

“And how there’s so few windows in your apartment.”

“Better safe than sorry.”

“And how when I suggested we go eat pizza, you ran away.”

“Yeah, it’s the garlic. Sorry.”

“And why there’s bottles of blood in your refrigerator.”

“Oh, you noticed that. Yeah, it’s pig blood though.”

“So, I’m not in immediate danger of being bitten?”

“Oh no. Not unless you wanted me to.”

“But wouldn’t you drain me?”

“Actually, human blood is pretty rich. Most vampires only need a spoonful or so.”

“Oh.”

“Besides, drinking blood is pretty damn difficult straight from the neck. These are fangs I’ve got here, not straws.”

“Let me see … oh! You do have fangs!”

“Yeah, they’re retractable.”

“So how did it happen?”

“Huh?”

“How did you become a vampire? No, wait, let me guess. You were bitten by a gorgeous busty lady vampire back in the 1700s?”

“Uh, no, I was bitten in 2004 by my cousin Phil.”

“Your cousin Phil???”

“Yeah, we were watching the world series and we were both pretty drunk. I said I’d hope I’d live long enough to see the Red Sox win another series, he grabbed me, bit me and said ‘now you will! Ha ha!’”

“Then what happened?”

“He fell over and vomited on my shoes.”

“No, I mean, what happened to you?”

“Well, I was bleeding pretty heavily and I went into a kind of trance, and my uncle Frank said hey Phil, you’d better turn him, he don’t look so good.”

“Your uncle’s a vampire too?”

“Yeah, it turns out there’s a lot of vampires in my family.”

“Must make for fun Thanksgivings.”

“Hey, we like pumpkin spice latte as much as anyone!”

“I’m sure.”

“Hey, you’re taking this really well. I was afraid you were going to run away.”

“Why? You’re handsome, you’re cute, you have a great sense of humour, you’re rich and the sex is phenomenal.”

“So, you don’t mind dating a vampire?”

“Heck no! Although if we get married, you’ll have to turn me too. I don’t want to be celebrating our 50th anniversary as a dried-up old hag while you’re still hot.”

“With pleasure.”

“So, hey, can you turn into a bat?”

“Uh-huh. Wanna see?”

“Sure!”

“Okay, here goes … I’m transforming … I can feel squeak squeak squeak …”

“Aw, you’re so cute! What a funny little bat face! It must be fun flying.”

“Squeak squeak squeak … squeak to the park and back.”

“Sorry, what?”

“I was saying I usually fly to the park and back every night. Just to keep my hand in. And I can also turn into a mist.”

“Really? That sounds amazing! Do it!”

“Okay then … ah, my atoms are separating …”

“You look so blurry … oh, you’re gone … wow, it looks like there’s a fog in here. Oh, sorry, did I just breathe some of you in?”

“Uh, yeah, but don’t worry, I can pull myself back together.”

“Ha ha, well, I guess it’s not the first time I’ve had you inside me tonight.”

“Ha ha! No indeed! Listen, you’re taking this so well … can we assume we’re a couple now?”

“Absolutely. There’s no way I want to be separated from you.”

“Aw, thanks.”

“And, uh, you promise you won’t drain me?”

“I promise.”

“Then … maybe we can try a little nip now and then?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“Anyway, it’s like the fashionistas say … black is the new black.”