TF (various)
He was the only one there wearing a tie, and he carried a cup of coffee. Well, they all did. These meetings ran on coffee.
“I think we might start now,” he said brightly. “If everyone wants to take a seat …”
Soon there were a motley collection of people and objects on chairs in a circle.
“Okay, folks, welcome to the first meeting of this branch of Shapeshifters Anonymous,” he said. “Let me introduce myself. I’m Brian.”
“Hi, Brian,” everyone chorused.
“Well, you all know why we’re here. Let’s just go around and tell everyone our stories. Uh, would you like to start …”
The fidgeting man next to him said: “Dave. I’m Dave.”
“Hi, Dave!” everyone said.
“Um, hi. So, I’m Dave and I’m a shapeshifting addict.”
“What specifically do you shape shift into?” Brian prompted.
“Animals. Specifically, sheep.”
A titter ran through the group. Brian glared. “None of that. We’re not judging anyone here. Dave, continue.”
“Thanks. Well, what I love most is the transformation. I feel a ripple run through me. My body twists in on itself. I stare at my legs shortening, my toenails growing and hardening into hooves … my nose lengthening, and my ears being pulled to the top of my head … my mouth erupting with teeth … I’m forced down on all fours … an explosion of wool covers my naked body …”
“Uh, thanks, Dave. Now, why are you here?”
“My girlfriend caught me dating other sheep, and she told me I had a problem.”
“And do you think you have a problem?”
“Yes! I’m not a sheep!”
Dave looked so miserable that Brian moved on. “Okay, you in the next chair …”
“I’m Danielle.”
“Hi, Danielle!”
The young woman sat wringing her hands.
“So, tell us about yourself.”
“Well, I used to be addicted to turning into plants.”
“Used to be?”
“Yeah, I’m not any more.”
Brian gave an encouraging smile.
“Now I’m addicted to turning into musical instruments.”
Brian dropped the smile. “Okay … next?”
***I AM HIVE WARRIOR!***
Everyone winced as the eight feet tall xenomorph beamed his thoughts directly into their brains.
***But you can call me … Fred?***
“Hi, Fred!”
“What’s your story, Fred?”
***I guess I enjoy being big and strong and brave and terrifying and dripping acid on kitchen surfaces.***
“Hey, wait!” One of the other attendees broke in. “Do you Venn yourself into a xenomorph? Because if you did, the acid wouldn’t be strong enough to mark surfaces.”
***Oh no, I didn’t Venn. I used a halloween costume I got from a mysterious store to transform.***
“Oh, okay.”
“Uh, Fred,” Brian said. “Would you mind turning the volume down? I’m getting a real headache.” Several others murmured in agreement.
***Well, that’s just typical of you carbon types.***
“Sorry, but you are being quite loud, telepathically speaking.”
***Oh great, another example of the outright prejudice we xenomorphs face every day. No xenomorphs allowed! We kindly request all xenomorphs be left outside the mall! Don’t feed the xenomorphs! I’m sick of it! You ever try catching a taxi when you’re a xenomorph?***
“Uh, no, can’t say I have.”
***Well, let me tell you, most taxis won’t stop for you, and if one does, they make you stick your head out the window because you wouldn’t fit otherwise.***
“Well, thanks, Fred. I think we might move on to …” Brian stopped as he saw the empty chair. “Did anyone see what happened to …”
A voice spoke from nowhere. “Helen. I’m Helen.”
“Oh, okay. I guess we know what your addiction is, Helen.”
“That’s right. I enjoy turning into a rabbit. Is that so wrong?”
“Uh, I meant the fact that you’re invisible.”
“Oh. Right. Yes, I guess I am, but that was due to being cursed by a gipsy.”
“Really?” Danielle said. “What did you do to her?”
“Oh, I criticised her dress sense. I mean, who wears a green and yellow wedding dress? But let me tell you about being a rabbit.”
“How long have you been invisible for?”
“What? About eight months. But there really is no feeling like becoming a bunny …”
“How do you clean your teeth?”
“I don’t. I can’t pick up toothbrushes with paws.”
“No, I meant, being invisible and not being able to see your teeth.”
“Huh? You don’t need to be able to see your teeth to brush them!”
“And what about sex?”
“As a rabbit?”
“No, as an invisible woman!”
“Guys, can we talk about being a rabbit?”
“Yeah!” Dave said. “Being a rabbit. Your ears lengthening … your front teeth growing … a fluffy tail erupting from your backbone …”
“Oh, that’s just …”
There was silence.
“Uh, I think she’s gone.”
“No, I’m just not talking in disgust.”
“Moving on …”
“I’m Janice!” announced a gooey transparent blue girl in a bikini.
“And I’m Lauren!” a gooey transparent green girl in a bikini next to her said.
“Hi, Janice and Lauren!”
“We’re goo girls!”
“Yes, we know,” Brian said, wondering just how much of a mess they’d leave. He’d promised they’d leave the hall spotless.
“We love being goo girls!”
“Yeah, we want to be goo girls forever.”
“Only it’s weird when you eat something.”
“You can see it in your stomach until you absorb it.”
“It’s kind of gross.”
“But what we really love is melting!”
“Yeah, that’s the best!”
And the two girls began to melt until they were two gooey puddles.
Another of the attendees spoke up. “Uh, ladies? That was great. Can you evaporate as well?”
“Sure!” And the puddles began to steam until they’d vanished into the air.
“Uh, girls? Girls?”
“I think they’re gone.”
Okay. Brian hoped they’d come back at some point. “Uh, next. You’re …”
The busty young woman said “I’m Nick.”
“Hi, Nick!”
“Okay, what’s your story?”
“Well, I used a Venn machine to turn myself into a woman permanently.”
“Wait a minute!” The man who’d asked Fred about Venn machines leapt up. “You used a Venn machine?”
“Yes.”
“With someone else?”
“No, just me.”
“Liar! Venn machines don’t work that way!”
“Well, this one did.”
“No, no, no!”
The pair looked like they were about to fight, so Brian said “Let’s move on. Miss …”
“Caroline.”
“Hi, Caroline!”
“And what’s your addiction?”
“I like being big. Really big. Like becoming a skyscraper, or a jet aircraft, or a hot air balloon.”
“And that’s a problem.”
“I’ll say. Air traffic control is a real hassle.”
Brian sighed. “You should put your faith in a higher power.”
“I have!”
“God?”
“No! The Ultimate Potion!”
Something inside of Brian snapped. “Is there anyone here who thinks transforming is a problem for them?”
A round of “no”, “nope”, “absolutely not”.
“Oh, what the hell. I tried. This meeting of Shapeshifters Anonymous is adjourned forever. Happy transforming, everyone!”
And Brian turned into a dragon and flew away.
Nick and her accuser were locked in a kiss, a reformed Janice and Lauren were flirting with their evaporating fan, Fred the xenomorph was discussing rabbits with Helen, and Danielle had turned into a ukulele that was being played by Dave.