Because nobody requested it …
The Morning After V: Hawaiian Honeymoon? We’ll Drink To That
(TF)
Oh, our heads … Okay, you know the drill by now …
Karen opened one bleary eye, then winced, quickly closing it. The sun was up, and it hurt. It hurt almost as much as her brain, which was desperately looking for the escape hatch from her skull.
She forced her eyes open. Where the heck was she? On a deckchair. A deckchair around a pool. A pool at the Westin Maui.
Oh hell, that’s right, she and her wife Tori were on their honeymoon. A honeymoon of cuddles, kisses, and drinking. Lots and lots of drinking.
She sighed. See, that’s where she’d gone wrong again. Every time she drank she embarrassed herself. And since she had a body full of Ultimate Potion, she usually embarrassed herself bizarrely and publicly.
She closed her eyes again. Then opened them wide.
Where the hell were her clothes?
*
Her room key had been lying on the table next to her deckchair, so she quickly made her way up, covered in a pool towel. Stepping into her room, she looked for any sign of her wife. Nothing in the bed. Nothing on the balcony. Better check the bathroom.
Bingo. The bath was filled with a pinkish liquid. It could have been leftover bath salts, but Karen knew better.
“Tori?”
There was no reply, Then gradually a pair of lips grew on the surface of the liquid. “Karen?”
“Babe, are you being a goo girl again?”
“Yes. Because then I don’t have a head. And if I don’t have a head, then I don’t have a hangover.”
“Oh God, that’s right. I might join you.” Karen got into the bath and started to melt. As her body oozed into a blob, she said, “Hey, what happened to us?”
“Well,” the lips said, “that’s probably best told in a flashback sequence …”
*
Free drinks!
Free drinks for the newlyweds!!
It started at the airport, where the happy couple were shouted a series of cocktails at the lounge by their families, waiting to see them off. Then there were the flight attendants, who kept their champagne glasses filled. There was a bottle of wine in the back of the limo taking them from the airport on Maui to Lahaina.
The end result was that Karen and Tori were drunk. Their inhibitions had vanished, along with most of their clothes. And since they’d guzzled enough Ultimate Potion - a wedding gift from Mr Wintergreen at the Potion Place - to keep them transforming for a few weeks, they found it easy to have sex.
In the bathroom of the plane, Karen had surprised Tori by turning into a sex toy and stowing away in her pocket. The sex had been long, joyous, and interrupted by an announcement that everyone had to return to their seat. In the limo, Karen and Tori had changed into two mosquitoes and having long, joyous mosquito sex. The driver never even blinked.
At the hotel, they went straight up to their room and had sex. Okay, they had sex after raiding the mini-bar. Hang the expense! They even ate the peanuts, and they were five bucks for a tiny can.
“Hee hee! The can says ‘may contain nuts’!”
They were very, very drunk.
*
“I loves you, Tori.”
“I loves you too, Karen.”
“I loved you from the start, even before you were a table lamp. I love you from your head to your … hey, where are your toes?”
“Hee hee! I changed them to tentacles!”
“Well, come and get your suckers on me.”
*
One vigorous bout of sex involving tentacles later …
“I loves you, Karen.”
“I loves you too, Tori. You make my heart melt …”
And Karen began to melt right on the bed. Her body grew fluid, dripping over Tori’s naked body, sending the smaller girl into fits of giggles. “Ooh! You’re tickling me!”
Karen turned into a puddle around Tori, then kept melting further, silently vanishing into a gas, then spreading her molecules through the air. Tori looked up in wonder.
“Karen, baby? Are you there?”
“Karen?” came an echoey voice. “Who is this person Karen you speak of? Never heard of her.”
“Oh? Then I must be single.”
“I guess so!”
“In that case, I might join you.” Now it was Tori’s turn to melt, her body flattening into a pool on the bed, then slowly vanishing as if she was a popsicle left out in the sun.
“Toriiiii?” said the echoey voice.
“Tori?” another echoey voice replied. “Who is this Tori? There’s no Tori here!”
“Well, then how am I feeling her molecules?”
A giggle. It was ticklish, after all.
The two women flowed through the air, mixing their molecules together until it was hard to tell where one began and the other left off.
“Oh God, this is … really …”
Something exploded through the air.
And suddenly two naked women were sitting on the floor.
Karen looked at Tori with astonishment. “Did you …?”
“Oh yeahhhhh.”
“How is that even possible?”
“It’s the Ultimate Potion, honey. Don’t even try to make sense of it.”
“Right.”
A brief pause.
“Want to do it again?”
“Absolutely.”
*
One vigorous bout of sex involving clouds of molecules later …
“Another drink?”
“Why, thank you.”
“You know what I feel like?”
“Vigorous sex?”
“Well, yeah, but beside that … how about some daquiris?”
“Great idea! Let’s call room service.”
“Hello? Could you send some daiquiris up to room 202? Uh, I don’t know, how about ten? No, there’s just the two of us. Thanks.”
Karen put the phone back, then leant against the wall. A little too hard. And suddenly she vanished.
Tori laughed. “Karen, are you okay?”
A mouth appeared on the wall. “I’m not Karen. I’m a wall.”
“Ooh, let me see!” Tori leapt over and began stroking her fingers down the surface. “Oh, you’re such a sexy wall. Give me a kiss.”
The mouth became three-dimensional and Tori pressed her own lips to it. “Oh yeah, that’s the ticket,” she moaned.
“Try me, baby. Once you go wall, you’ll never … uh … fall?”
Tori pressed herself against the wall, gradually sinking into and flattening until she too was swallowed up by the wall. After a few seconds a pair of eyes appeared above the mouth.
“Oh, this is great! I’m Kari the wall!” the mouth giggled. “Two people, one wall …”
Another mouth appeared under the first mouth. “Hey, don’t forget I’m Kari too! Or maybe I mean Toren …”
“Nah, that’s a crap name.” Another pair of eyes appeared above the first pair. “Well, that’s my view anyway …”
“Views? Four eyes are giving me a headache! This wall ain’t big enough for the both of us … and it ain’t me who’s gonna leave!”
“Says you!”
Both sets of features faded out. Then came a knock on the door. Karen’s face bulged out of the wall, then Tori’s bulged out through Karen’s face. “One moment!” Both faces melted back into the wall, then Karen’s body emerged slowly out of the wall, painted pale blue until she’d left it fully, when it reverted back to human. With a thought Karen clothed herself in her dress.
“Your drinks, ma’am,” said the waiter at the door, holding out the tray of daiquiris. “Thanks,” Karen said, taking the tray with both hands, then diving into her pockets to find a tip. Hang on a second … if two hands were holding the tray, where did the third one come from? She scratched her head … with a fourth hand.
“Thank you,” the waiter said, taking the proffered bill. He turned with just the faintest glint in his eye. “Those extra arms must come in … handy.”
Oh hell, everyone was a comedian. Putting the tray on a table, Karen turned to the mirror, putting her hands on her hips.
“Tori! What the hell were you thinking?”
Another pair of arms shrugged. “Aw, come on, baby! It was hilarious! Did you see his face? … I mean, did you see his face, because I didn’t, and I need you to describe it to me …”
“Tori, where are you?”
“Guess! Hee hee!”
Karen willed her dress away. There on her stomach was Tori’s face.
“Tori! You’re on me!”
“For richer or for poorer, baby, we share everything …”
“I don’t think they meant my stomach!”
“I could move down a bit lower …”
“Mmm … maybe later … In the meantime, want a drink?”
“Just hold it up to your belly.”
*
Four hours and 20 daiquiris later …
The sofa was really, really drunk.
“I don’t think I can drink anymore,” one cushion moaned.
“Of course you can! You’re a sofa!” the other said.
“That doesn’t even make sense.”
“Whatever.”
There was a kind of sucking sound as the two women pulled themselves out of the sofa.
“Oh God,” Karen muttered. “I need some water.”
“There’s a bottle in the bar fridge.”
“One bottle? One measly bottle? Uh-huh.” Karen made for the door.
“Hey, where are you going?”
“Down to the swimming pool.”
“Why?”
“I’m gonna drink it.”
*
The pink goo filling the bath shuddered.
“Well, that pretty much brings us up to date.”
“Why do we do it? Why do we drink so much? It’s like there’s someone out there making us drink!”
Uh, well, anyway …
“So what do we do now?”
“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m gonna stay as goo all day and hope the hangover goes away.”
“Sounds good. But can I suggest something?”
“Would it involve vigorous sex?”
“How well you know me.”
And six tentacles grew out of the goo and began rubbing each other.
“I love you, wifey.”
“I love you too.”
“Hey, I just realised something. The room looked pretty clean when I walked in. What did you do with all the empty bottles and glasses?”
A giggle. “I shoved them all in the closet.”
*
The cleaner let herself in the room. There was no sign of the occupants, those two weird girls on their honeymoon. Tsk tsk, the bed was a mess. She’d get right on it.
Just as soon as she did the closet.
CRASH!
*
“I can’t believe it!” Karen moaned. “Thrown out of our hotel room!”
“It’s only until they clean up,” Tori soothed her. “Then we can go back. And at least we get to go to the beach.”
The two girls lay on the sand on a deserted part of the beach.
“I don’t like laying on the sand,” Karen complained. “It makes me too hot. And I get sunburnt.”
“Well, there’s nothing that says we have to have bodies.”
“You mean …”
“Uh-huh.”
With a quick look around to see if anyone was watching, both women undid their bikini tops and shrugged off their bottoms before spreading out on the sand.
Then both of them gradually changed until their bodies had become sand, leaving them looking like sandcastles shaped like girls.
Finally each sand girl sank into the beach, just more grains amongst all the other grains.
And the grains that made up Karen thought as she slipped into a nap:
“When all this is over, I could do with a drink.”