TF (but not as many as you think)
“Now, are you sure you’ve got everything?” Gena asked anxiously, casting her eyes about the living room.
“I feel like that’s what I should be asking you,” Jim, her husband, said. A backpack lay at Gena’s feet, which were clad in sensible hiking boots.
“A weekend in the wilderness!” her friend Caroline said as she entered. “This is going to be fun!”
“Sure, if we can manage to avoid being eaten by coyotes or bears,” Lexi, the third member of the group, said gloomily. Ah, Lexi, always a “the glass is half empty and made of something you can cut your wrists with” girl.
“Oh, come on, Lexi! Just think, out there with nobody else around - so much room to change into big things! And no prying eyes …” Caroline winked.
Jim suppressed a laugh. “So you’re taking plenty of Ultimate Potion, then?”
“An entire case!” Caroline grinned.
The Ultimate Potion was something Gena had co-created with Mr Wintergreen, the owner of the Potion Place. It would allow the user to change into anything they could think of, and in Caroline’s case, a few she hadn’t.
“Speaking of Ultimate Potion,” Gena said, “I’ve left a couple of bottles for you, just in case you feel like being a fish.”
“Thanks, honey, but I’ve got a few things to do around the house this weekend. Including cleaning out the fish tank.”
“All right, then, we’d better be off. It’s a long drive. I’ll call in every few hours. I’m pretty sure I can get reception out there.”
“If you can’t,” Lexi said, “we can always turn Caroline into a reception tower.”
“Hey! I’m standing right here! … And yeah, that would be cool!”
“So see you on Sunday night, darling. I love you.” And Gena flung her arms around Jim for a long goodbye kiss.
“Love you too, honey,” Jim smiled, waving the trio farewell.
“I don’t know why we have to take a car. I could just turn into a giant pterodactyl and fly us there, holding each of you in one claw.”
“Ha ha, very funny, Caroline.”
“Uh, I don’t think she’s joking, Gena.”
*
The sound of the car backing down the drive faded away and silence descended on the house.
It was quiet. Too quiet.
Gena and her pals usually held their transformation binges at Caroline or Lexi’s places, but they’d done their share of changing around Jim and Gena’s place too. Three women turning themselves into everything from a pile of fruit to floating bubbles was amazing, astounding, but one thing it wasn’t was quiet.
Jim went into the kitchen to wash up after their lunch. It was nice to be able to clear away the leftovers without worrying they were his friends. A couple of weeks ago he’d almost thrown Caroline away after breakfast. How was he to know she’d taken to frying herself as an egg?
He stacked the dishwasher, chuckling as he slid in the pie plate. Gena made a great pie, literally. He remembered her last night, round, crusty and delicious, begging him to just try one more slice of her.
Mmm, pie. That gave him an idea …
*
The phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Hi honey, it’s me.”
“Gena! You got there okay?”
“Pretty quick, although Caroline still kept asking ‘are we there yet?’ every five miles or so.”
“I can imagine.”
“So, what have you been up to?”
“I’ve just made a fruit pie.”
“Oh, that’s one of my favourites! I was wondering if you’d try it. What flavour were you?”
“Uh, no, honey, I made an actual pie. From flour and stewed apples and stuff like that. It’s still in the oven.”
“Oh.”
“And no way will it be as delicious as you, darling! So how are things in the wilderness?”
“Well, actually, Caroline forgot the tent. She took it out of the car to fit in more Ultimate Potion and neglected to put it back in.”
“Oh.”
“So we’ve decided we’re going to turn into rocks tonight. That’s usually pretty restful.”
“I’m sure. Well, have a great time!”
“You too, darling! Good night!”
*
Saturday was sunny but cool - perfect for working in the garden. After coffee and toast, Jim set to work.
He was taking a break when his phone rang.
“Hello?”
“Jim! It’s Gena again!”
“Honey! Nice to hear from you! How was your night?”
“Well, I didn’t get much sleep.”
“Oh really?”
“Yes, Lexi decided she didn’t want to be a rock and turned into an owl. I don’t know what she was thinking.”
“She didn’t realise they’re nocturnal?”
“I don’t think so. Anyway, she kept going ‘who? who?’ every few minutes until Caroline changed back and started yelling ‘you! It’s you!’ at her.”
“Oh-kay …”
“But they’ve made up and they’re making coffee on the campfire. So what have you been up to?”
“I’ve mowed the lawn.”
“Oh, did you use the Ultimate Potion to become a lawnmower?”
“No, I used our actual lawnmower. The one we keep in the shed?”
“Uh, right.”
Over the line Jim could hear cries of “I thought you were watching it!” “Quick! Turn into a fire extinguisher!”
“Jim, I’d better go. I’ll call later. Love you!”
“You too!”
*
If there was one question Jim hated, it was “how come you’ve got a fish tank and no fish?” He always said “so I can go swimming”, which usually was greeted with polite chuckles.
It happened to be true, though.
The fish tank had been getting a little murky and Jim welcomed the chance to give it a thorough clean. How strange it was to see it from the perspective of a six foot tall man, instead of the little fish he usually saw it from. He smiled as he wiped his favourite piece of coral, where he’d spent many happy hours dozing peacefully. He took the chance to add something new - a plastic diver that would bob up to the surface and then down again. He was sure his fish self would get a big kick out of that.
The phone rang.
“Hi, Gena.”
“Jim, honey, how are things?”
“Pretty good. I’m just seeing to the fish tank right now.”
A chuckle. “Oh, I knew you couldn’t resist using the Ultimate Potion to become a fish! Sorry to interrupt you.”
“No, I’m just cleaning the fish tank. I haven’t had the chance to actually become a fish yet.”
“Oh.”
“But you guys are okay?”
“Well, we haven’t killed each other yet …”
“That’s good news.”
“We’re all a bit hungry because it turned out Caroline also took out about half our food supplies to fit in a spare case of Ultimate Potion …”
“And she forgot to put it back.”
“Yes. So we’re all on half rations. To make it worse, Caroline keeps suggesting we turn into food and just eat each other. Lexi’s horrified at the thought, of course.”
“Of course.”
“And I’ve refused in solidarity. Still, it’s hard when you’re hungry and a roast turkey is yelling ‘come on, guys! Look how fat and juicy I am!’ at you.”
“You poor thing.”
“So, we’re going to make camp soon. I’ll wish you a good night and I’ll call first thing tomorrow morning.”
“Love you, Gena!”
*
Sunday’s weather was pretty much the same as Saturday. In other words, perfect weather to get some washing done.
Jim was standing out next to the line when his phone rang again.
“Hi, Gena!”
There was a burst of static on the line. “Morning, Jim!”
“What are you up to?”
“Lexi and I are climbing Caroline.”
A pause. “Sorry, you’re what?”
“Yeah, Lexi and I woke up this morning to find Caroline had turned herself into a mountain. You know how she is with big things.”
“Oh yeah.”
“So, uh, she challenged us to climb her, and we thought we might as well.”
“Be sure to turn into a flag and plant yourself on her peak.”
A laugh. “I will. What are you doing?”
Jim glanced at the line. “I’ve just been doing some of your clothes.”
“Jim, did you just say you’ve been becoming some of my clothes???” Another laugh.
“No, no, doing some of your clothes. Washing them and putting them on the line.”
“Oh. Well, don’t forget, that Ultimate Potion is there if you need it.”
“Sure.”
In the background a rumbling, somewhat familiar voice said “come on, Lexi, you slowpoke!” Followed by “Caroline, if you’re making yourself taller while I’m climbing you, I will most definitely …”
“So, uh, don’t worry about us,” Gena said hurriedly. “I’ll let you know when we’re leaving for home.”
“Okay, honey. Love you.”
*
Jim sat looking at the five bottles of Ultimate Potion sitting on the kitchen table. Five of them! Why had Gena thought he’d need that many? Given the Ultimate Potion lasted for days?
The phone rang.
“Hey, darling! You on your way home?”
“Hi, honey. Yes, I’m about 90 minutes away. Have you heard from Lexi and Caroline?”
“Heard from them? Aren’t they with you?”
“Well, that’s just it. We were on our way back to the car, and Caroline was complaining about how tired she was, and how she wanted to get home right then. So I was a bit snide, I admit, and I said if she had a faster way to get home, she should use it.”
“Oh, that’s like a red flag to a bull.”
“I realise that now.”
“So what happened?”
“Well, Caroline turned into a pterodactyl, grabbed Lexi in one claw, and flew off.”
“She didn’t!”
“Afraid so. Anyway, I saw Lexi change herself into a sock on Caroline’s claw, so she should be okay. But I’m worried you haven’t heard from them.”
“Gena, who has the worst sense of direction of anyone you know?”
A brief pause. “You’re right, Caroline.”
“They’re probably lost. Don’t worry, eventually it will occur to Lexi to become a GPS system.”
“I’m sure you’re right. So I’ll see you soon.”
“Looking forward to it, dearest!”
*
Ten minutes later there was a knock on the door. Probably Caroline, Jim thought as he went to answer it.
But it wasn’t.
“Mr Wintergreen! Nice to see you! I’m afraid Gena’s not at home.”
“Actually, Jim,” Wintergreen beamed, “it’s you I’ve come to see. And I’ve told you all before, call me Lance.”
“Sure, Lance. Come on in.”
“Ah, the Ultimate Potion!” Wintergreen beamed as he spotted the bottles on the table. “Funny you should have those here. For I’ve been doing some work in the lab and I’ve come up with … this!”
From his coat Wintergreen produced a purple glass bottle with a flourish. “Behold!”
Jim gazed at it curiously. “Well, it’s a very nice bottle, but … what is it?”
Wintergreen grinned. “The Penultimate Potion!”
“The Penultimate Potion???”
“Yes, it does everything the Ultimate Potion does except for one.”
“And what’s that?”
“It won’t allow you to transform into spaghetti.”
“I have to say I’ve never seen the appeal of that one.”
“You’d be surprised how many don’t. Anyway,” Wintergreen said, “I thought I’d come over with it, and we could spend the rest of the weekend transforming ourselves into amazing, astounding things, or …”
“Or?”
“Or we could play chess?” And Wintergreen produced a small chess set from his coat.
Jim grinned. “Now you’re talking!”
“And perhaps after that … a dip in the fish tank?”
“That would be perfect.”
There was a thump on the roof. A thump that sounded like … like …
Well, like a giant pterodactyl with one sock on.
“What was that?”
“Nothing. Want a beer while we’re playing chess?”
“Sure!”
And they began to set up the board.