Because YOU requested it …
Okay, maybe not YOU … it’s …
The Morning After IV: The Wedding!
More rampant silliness by Prender
TF (various)
Oh, our heads. What did we DO last night?
Oh, that’s right, we got married … AGAIN!
*
Karen couldn’t believe how packed the reception hall was. Her mom, and Tori’s, had really outdone themselves. Thankfully they’d become fast friends. It looked like they’d invited everyone the couple had ever met in their lives. And she meant everyone, up to and including people whose homes they’d driven past on their way to the reception.
She and her girlfriend with the tousled blonde hair had been hitched in Las Vegas, but they’d wanted to repeat their vows back home. It turned out Arcana, the woman who ran the Cauldron magic store they frequented, was a fully-fledged minister in some Wiccan group, and had been happy to do the honours. When she remembered how Tori beamed at her when she slipped the ring on her finger, well, it brought a tear to her eye. Even more so than getting the tentacle she used to have stuck in a zipper.
Of course, there had been trouble. Karen’s wedding dress hadn’t turned up. Luckily her cousin Anna had been able to get another one that fit perfectly in just 10 minutes. Although, she did wonder where Anna’s girlfriend, the big girl with the death hawk, had vanished to …
“Congratulations, m’dear!” Karen spun around to be enveloped in a bear hug.
“Mr Wintergreen! So glad you could make it!” Karen grinned. “But where’s your wife?”
“Oh, I’m here!” said a cheerful voice from under Mr Wintergreen’s shirt.
“We couldn’t miss the wedding of our fifth-most favourite clients!” Mr Wintergreen beamed. “And the Potion Place’s wedding present to you is writing off the bill you racked up a few months ago when you were drunk.”
“Phew, thanks!”
“Plus, of course, we’re supplying all the Ultimate Potion at this reception.”
“The … what?”
“Ultimate Potion. See, we put it over there on the table …” Mr Wintergreen trailed off. “That’s funny. It’s not there any more. Gena? Did you see the Ultimate Potion?”
A woman in a white lab coat wandered over. “Sorry, Mr Wintergreen. It was there half an hour ago. Oh, and congratulations, Karen.”
“Thanks, Gena. Hey, where’s Jim?”
“He’s over there by the sushi. I better go get him before he starts complaining about rights for fish again. So, if you haven’t settled on a honeymoon destination yet, I can strongly recommend Kauai …”
*
Wow, so many people! Frankly, so many people Tori didn’t know. She guessed most of them were Karen’s friends. She wondered how she knew the girl over there with the tarantula in a pet carrier. Who was coming her way.
“Hi, I’m Hannah! I just want to wish you the best.”
“Oh, gee, thanks. I like your spider. Hey there, spider!”
“Joan can’t hear you. Spiders are deaf, did you know that?”
The spider waved one of its legs at Tori, which was kind of cute.
“Your spider’s called Joan?”
“My friend’s called Joan. She’s not usually a spider. She was supposed to be a dove at the reception, but darn, when TransFun gets things wrong …”
“I hear ya,” Tori said sympathetically.
Karen rushed up to Tori. “Honey, I think we might have a problem.”
“Oh, really? Sorry, Hannah, I have to go.”
“Sure. I think I’ll go find a mouse for Joan … oh, don’t tell me you wouldn’t enjoy it, Joan.”
Karen pulled Tori off to one side. “A whole lot of Ultimate Potion is missing. You know what that means.”
“You’re going to get drunk and we’ll have sex?”
“What? No! … All right, yes, but not now!”
“So what should we do?”
“Just keep an eye on the guests and tell me if anyone’s acting weird.”
Tori sighed and indicated the crowd at the reception.
“Okay, acting weird-er,” Karen acknowledged.
*
Karen wandered past a nervous-looking guy with a woman in a very nice dress.
“Shirley really does make a lovely dress, doesn’t she?” the woman said to the man.
“She sure does, Christine. I can’t wait for the cake!”
“Oh Wayne, we don’t need to wait.”
“What?! Christine, I can’t believe you stole Laila’s wand again!”
“This time for sure! Okay, I’m gonna make us cake!”
The couple vanished, replaced by two cupcakes. Immediately another woman stepped out of nowhere, picked up the wand lying on the floor and sighed.
“Really, guys? Again? Will you never learn?” And she and the two cakes vanished.
Karen rubbed her eyes. Okay, moving on …
*
Sophie was drunk. Tori could smell it on her cousin’s breath. Oh, plus there was the way she was bailing up Tori.
“Tori!” she screamed, pushing her hand on Tori’s chest. “My lil’ cousin Tori! Who woulda thought you’d get hitched before me? Like my dress?”
“Uh, yeah, it’s very nice.”
“Like my hat?”
Said hat was a little trilby, resting on the top of Sophie’s coiffure.
“Well …”
Suddenly she spied someone behind Sophie. Oh no. It was Sophie’s girlfriend Louise. The one with the bizarre sense of humour and the liking for imprinting potions.
Louise had a big grin on her face. As Sophie raved, she held up a finger to her lips. And crept into Sophie, vanishing into her.
“I didn’t even know you were into transformation potions too, until Auntie Rita told me you’d turned into a 100-foot-tall woman in Vegas. Course, I generally like being a cup …”
Sophie was so drunk, she didn’t realise another pair of arms was creeping out of her sides. Louise’s arms.
“Yeah, it’s really restful. Hey, is it true what my Aunt was saying about Karen and a tentacle?”
Sophie did tend to wave her arms around when she talked, and that went double when she was tipsy. As Tori watched, Louise’s arms started waving themselves around in an exaggerated parody of what Sophie was doing.
Tori began to giggle.
“Yeah, so she got into my iPhone, can you believe it? Ever seen your girlfriend mooning Kim Kardashian? It ain’t pretty. Plus, she was my toilet!”
At this, two of Sophie’s arms flew up in the air, as if to say, can you believe this crap?
“So then she ran off a cliff …”
The two arms made moose antlers on Sophie’s head. They made slapping motions at her ass. Finally they began massaging Sophie’s boobs in her low-cut dress. Sophie stopped in mid-sentence, trying to work out why she felt so good all of a sudden.
Tori’s giggles turned into chuckles. Then she spied Karen waving at her.
“Oh, hey, sorry Soph, I gotta go. My regards to Louise, uh, wherever she is.”
“Sure. Okay. Think I’ll have another mimosa.” And one of Sophie’s extra arms tipped Sophie’s hat in farewell.
“What are you giggling about?” Karen asked.
“Tell you later. What’s up?”
“I think someone’s put Ultimate Potion into the punchbowl!”
“They have? Why? … Wait, why do we have a punchbowl at a wedding reception?”
“First, yes. Second, I don’t know. And third, I don’t know. What I do know is my uncle Vinnie is now a table lamp, and my great-aunt Millicent is now a 22-year-old flapper.”
“Weird.”
“So what should we do?”
“Get drunk and have sex?”
“You keep coming back to that one, don’t you?”
“It’s making more and more sense all the time.”
*
“Hi!” grinned a young woman at Karen’s mom.
“Hello, young lady. Are you a friend of my daughter?”
“Sort of. I’m Emily the Goo Girl!”
“Oh? Why do they call you Emily the Goo Girl?”
“Because of this!”
And the young woman began to melt.
Her legs went first, then the rest of her body, her breasts falling into a pink puddle, then she was just a head sticking out of the puddle. Her features melted into the puddle, leaving her eyes and her grin floating in goo.
Karen’s mom looked at the puddle. Then she yelled: “Janitors!”
A harried-looking young man ran up. “Sorry, I’ll take care of this. Em, I told you not to take the serum!”
“Aw Dan, you never let me have any fun.”
“Fun? You’re an occupational safety hazard like that!”
“Oh. Sorry.”
“It’s okay. I’ll just scrape you off and take you home.”
*
This was bad.
Someone had definitely spiked the punch, and people were turning into weird things all over the place.
Two cookies were arguing over which one had the most choc chips. Obviously they were drunk, since they were both cranberry and raisin cookies.
A young child ran past Tori giggling, waving a banana in the air. She was followed by her mom, a bunch of fruits in a female shape, yelling “Ruby! Come back with my nose!”
The band now comprised of three pigs playing cool jazz. While Tori watched, a wolf with a trumpet ran up hoping to sit in.
“Everything all right, honey?”
Tori turned to her mom. Who was standing next to a huge xenomorph.
Tori shrieked. “Mom! Next to you!”
“What? Where?” Her mom looked around her wildly. “Is it behind the xenomorph?”
“It IS the xenomorph!”
“What? Oh no, dear. This is your old school pal Stacie!”
Tori looked a little closer. “Stacie? That’s … you?”
“Uh-huh. I’ve got a job as a scientist’s assistant. So, uh, wanted to wish you well, and Patrick and I bought you this.”
The monster held up a toaster.
“Oh, gee, thanks, Stacie. You didn’t have to.”
“Aw, you were always nice to me, Tori, when most of the other girls were bitches. Let me tell you about my revenge on Heather some time … Anyway, happy you don’t have a ‘we don’t serve xenomorphs’ policy here!”
“Really? Who would do that?”
“You’d be surprised.”
*
More and more weird things were happening.
Karen’s brother-in-law was a red balloon, being carried about by her sister. Two horses in evening gowns were standing by the toilets. A cloud in the corner was raining pink and blue confetti.
Who would have done this?
And suddenly she had the answer.
“Tori, over here!”
“What?”
“Tell the band to stop playing. I have an announcement!”
And Karen leapt onto a table, yelling “QUIET, everyone!”
The crowd stopped as one.
“You’ve probably noticed all the strange transformations going on. The truth is, someone has spiked the punch!”
Everyone gasped. (Except for one fruit pie, who squinted quizzically and said “hey, I didn’t drink the punch!” A lovely young woman next to the pie sighed “Oh, Roman …”)
“I’ve been looking for the culprit, when it hit me. If I can’t see the culprit anywhere … it must be because they’re everywhere!”
She turned to face the wall.
“All right, come on out! I know you’re in there!”
There was a moment of silence. Then a blonde woman pushed her way out of the wall. And everyone went …
“SPACE HEATER!!!”
“Why does everyone keep calling me that??? Turn into a space heater once, and no one ever lets you forget it!” she cried.
She faced the crowd. “My name is Caroline, and yes, I spiked the punch with Ultimate Potion! I guess I just couldn’t stand the thought you pair of drunks were getting married when my love hasn’t even proposed.”
She pointed. “Lexi, my sweetheart! Why can’t we be together?”
A dark-haired woman standing next to Gena yelled “because I’m not gay!”
“Oh Lexi, you’re forgetting we’ve boiled together. I know you and I are in each other’s hearts. And other bits.”
“That’s because we were being mercury!”
“C’mon, Lexi, let’s go and be something big together.”
And as the two women argued, and Gena tried to referee, Karen and Tori crept outside.
“Here,” Tori said, handing Karen a bottle of champagne. “You’re going to need this.” She popped her own bottle.
“Great. I’m going to knock off about half this bottle, and then I want to have sex.”
“With me, I hope.”
“When have I ever had sex with anyone else?”
“True. So, my darling wife, where do you want to do it?”
“Behind this booth will do.”
“Funny, I could have sworn that booth wasn’t here when we went in …”
And as the pair got down to business, on the front of the booth three circles spun lazily around.
*
Postscript: The morning after!
Karen sat at her kitchen table with her head in her hands.
Tori sat opposite her doing pretty much the same.
“I’d say what did we do last night, but unfortunately I remember pretty much all of it,” Karen mumbled.
“Some parts were good.”
“The sex part was excellent.”
“And the wedding photos should be really memorable.”
“Yeah.” Karen held up her mug. “More coffee, please.”
Tori kept pouring. “Say when.”
“How about 2018?”
“Silly.” Tori poured herself a full mug. “Hey, you know what I’m looking forward to? Our first wedding anniversary.”
“Will our hangovers be gone by then?”
“God, I hope so.”
The two women sat together in comfortable silence. And Karen suddenly realised, hey, we’re married and it feels really good. Then she realised something else.
“Tori, you never told me why you were giggling when you were talking to your cousin Sophie.”
“Oh! Yeah! You know her crazy girlfriend Louise?”
“They’re back together?”
“Apparently. Well, she did this … actually, it’s easier if I show you …”
Tori walked behind Karen, and suddenly Karen felt entirely different.
“Tori? What did you do?”
**I merged with you. That’s what Louise did with Sophie.**
“And that made you laugh?”
**No, this did.**
And Karen felt something push out from her body just below her arms.
“Yeragh!” She leapt up from her chair, her hangover suddenly gone.
“Why do I have four arms?!”
**Two of them are mine.**
“That’s not very reassuring.”
Tori giggled in her head. **So this is what Louise did.** And Karen’s extra arms started making rude motions. Then one went for Karen’s nose.
“Ah! Cut it out!”
Karen slapped the hand away, only to find it making a thumbing motion on her nose. Then the other extra arm slapped her ass.
**Oh, and she also did this …**
Karen’s second set of arms began massaging her boobs.
She blinked. Actually, this was quite nice.
“Oooh …”
More giggles from Tori. **You like?**
“Very much.”
**Well, why don’t you take over and I can work a little lower down …**
“Mmmm …”
And they lived happily ever after, and hardly ever got drunk again.
Well, not until the honeymoon. Oh boy, was that one a doozy …