TF (inanimate)

“Say wha?”

I realised my mouth was hanging open, closed it, then let it hang open again.

“I don’t know why you’re so surprised, Frank,” my wife said mildly. “I told you I wanted to do something really wild for my birthday.”

“Yeah, I thought you meant getting your nipples pierced, or having a threesome, something like that. But this …”

“Is something I really want to do,” Cynthia said. “Come on, Frank, you can’t tell me you’ve never wondered what it would like to be something else.”

“Sure I have. But … why a vacuum cleaner?”

“It’s sexy.”

“Not really.”

“C’mon! All that sucking and blowing?”

Cynthia had a big grin on her face, which told me she wasn’t taking this terribly seriously. For a second I thought this whole thing might be a big joke on me. Then I saw her take out the bottle of transformation serum.

The bottle her sister had given her for her birthday.

Barbara and her husband Steve were really into the transformation scene. Usually Barbara would change and then Steve would film her. They’d share the videos around, and I’d seen Barbara turn into a pile of goo, become a banana, and shrink away into nothing. I’d also seen Barbara and Steve as two rabbits doing what came naturally, which had made me feel really dirty.

But Cynthia had never been really into that kind of thing. Until she came to me and showed me her present, and declared she wanted to be a vacuum cleaner for the day.

She uncorked the bottle of serum and sniffed.

“What’s it smell like?” I asked.

“Vanilla. But that’s because it’s vanilla transformation serum.”
“They make them in different flavours?”

“You can even get diet transformation serum.” Cynthia grinned. “Well, here’s mud in your eye!” She brought the bottle up to her lips and drank deeply.

“Here, Frank, can you close the bottle?” She handed it to me. “I can feel the change coming on.”

“What’s it feel like?”

“All tingly. Oh, here I go!”

As I watched, Cynthia’s body got all wobbly. Things began to bulge in places where things shouldn’t bulge. She began to shrink. Hear arms and legs retracted into her body. Her neck extended horribly.

“God, I can feel my insides turning into mechanical parts!”

“Your skin looks like it’s hardening.”

“I know, I’m becoming plastic there. Oh … this is such a weird feeling …”

Her body did one more shudder and then …

Well, Cynthia was a vacuum cleaner.

A surprisingly old-fashioned vacuum cleaner too, with a bag on the back.

“Well, how do I look?” the vacuum cleaner said.

I jumped back in surprise. “What the hell?”

I looked down at the appliance, seeing it had two eyes and a mouth.

“Cynthia? That’s you?”

“You know any other vacuum cleaners around here?” she said.

“I just … I guess I thought you’d just be a vacuum cleaner.”

“Yeah, I can do that …” and for a second Cynthia’s features faded away, leaving the cleaner blank. Then they returned. “But I can also force my personality on my form.”

“Oh.”

“So, again … how do I look?”

“Uh, like a vacuum cleaner, I guess.”

Ever heard a major appliance sigh? I have.

“C’mon, honey. Explain it to me.”

“Well, you’re a little old-fashioned, but I’d say you’re a classic. You look very powerful, highly useful, I like your on-off switch … your plastic shell is a cheerful shade of yellow … You’ve got a good grip on your handle … and you’re really getting off on this, aren’t you?”

“A little,” Cynthia said. “Okay, a lot. Just think, hon. For 30 years I’ve been a female human. Now I’m something completely different. I have a new shape and form. I have an engine instead of a heart. I have wires instead of blood. You can’t tell me that’s not a turn-on.”

“Well, whatever floats your boat, I guess.”

“Which reminds me, Frank, could you be a dear and plug me in?”

I blinked.

“Plug you in? Honey, that’s electricity!”

“Which I, as a vacuum cleaner, run on,” the appliance said. “You’re being very human-centric, Frank. Household objects are people too.”

Okay, she had a point. My wife was no longer human. I picked up her plug. Still, the idea of running power through her made me nervous.

I needn’t have worried. As soon as I plugged her in, Cynthia began to coo with delight. “God, I can feel it! And it’s so good! Flick me on, Frank. I really need it!”

I pushed her on-off switch to on and she came to life with a roar.

“Oh! Wow! Ah! Wha-hoo!”

“Honey, did you just say ‘wha-hoo’?”

“Believe me, Frank, you would too. Now, please, please, darling, run me over the rug!”

“Oh, I get it. This was all a plot to get me to do the housework?” I joked. But I took a firm grip of Cynthia’s handle and began to move her back and forth over the living room rugs.

In fact we did the entire house, and I have to admit it was fun. Cynthia kept up a non-stop commentary on how it felt to be a vacuum cleaner (amazing), how it felt to suck up dust (incredibly amazing), and the general state of our house (not that great, now she had the perspective of a vacuum cleaner).

I took a break for lunch. “Um, I’m guessing you don’t eat, honey.”

“No, all I need is electricity. I don’t breathe either, did you know that?”

“How about sleeping?”

“Not necessary.”

“And I guess you don’t need … the other thing?”

“Well, I don’t know about that, Frank. Try stroking my handle and we’ll see how it goes from there.”

*

I awoke the next morning with the vacuum cleaner parked by the bed.

“Morning, dear!” she trilled.

“Hey, hon. Sleep well?”

“Um, not sleeping exactly. But I will say being an appliance is very restful. Come on, Frank, we’ve got time to do the rugs again before I change back.”

*

A couple of days later Cynthia came to me with a shy little smile on her face.

“Uh, Frank, honey, you know that day I spent as a vacuum cleaner?”

“How can I forget?”

“Well, it was amazing, just a complete turn-on, you know? And, uh, I sorta want to try something like that again.”

“Oh?”

“But don’t worry, I won’t be a vacuum cleaner again.”

“So what?”

“Well, I was just drying my hair before, and I looked at the hairdryer, and I sorta got jealous, and …”

“You want to be a hairdryer.”

“Yes. Help me?”

*

I watched Cynthia shrink down, her skin darkening and her face rounding out.

“Am I a hairdryer yet?”

“That you are, honey.”

“Oh, I’m an appliance again. Marvellous! Oh, I can feel my plug …”

“Well, let me turn you on.”

“Oh, yes! Yes! Yes!”

“And then, my sweetie, I’m gonna wash my hair.”

“Oh Frank, you really know how to treat a hairdryer.”

*

“Frank?”

“Let me guess … again?”

“Uh-huh.”

*

I ran the electric razor over my neck. It vibrated smoothly, removing my stubble. Over the buzzing, I could hear Cynthia … well … buzzing.

*

“Frank, honey?”

Cynthia held up the little bottle of transformation serum.

“There’s one more shot in it.”

“And what did you want to be this time?”

“Well, that’s just it … I have a proposal …”

*

The mug spun around on the plate inside, heating until it was bubbling. I could feel the waves flowing through the object.

Cynthia pressed my latch and my face swung open. She reached inside and took the mug of hot water.

“Perfect! Frank, you really do make the best microwave oven. I can’t wait to heat up my lunch in you.”

“Then don’t wait, baby,” I said. “I can thaw stuff, and I’m great for jacket potatoes.”

Cynthia smiled and ran her hand over my top.

She was right. Being an appliance was amazing.