TF, TG
My master was a wizard of some repute; anyone could tell that just by looking at his library. Mostly because he’d hung a big banner in there that read “I AM A WIZARD OF SOME REPUTE”. He also had a T-shirt with those words emblazoned on it, and he would wear it as he stood outside the magic shop. “I am a wizard of some repute, you know!” he would shout as the villagers went by, and they would sigh and say “Yeah, Jackson, we know, we know”.
It didn’t seem to help much. I’d been my master’s apprentice for nine months now, and it had become clear after little more than a week that customers were thin on the ground and we were barely getting by. Our steadiest customers were the village’s oldest inhabitants, who came to us for help finding out what their pets wanted for dinner, or fripperies like that.
Not that my master was not a kind man. He’d taken me in, after all, although he frowned at my favourite types of magic. “Pulling a rabbit out of a hat is all very well, Elmore, but it can’t compare to divining the secrets of the universe or turning wheat into gold,” he’d say.
“So can we do those things, master?”
“Obviously not. If I could turn wheat into gold, do you think I’d be doing good deeds for Mrs McGinley?” he scowled. “And I’ve told you before, Elmore, it’s not master, it’s Jackson.”
As the months went by, the magic shop’s situation grew more and more dire, and my master more and more frustrated. It came to a head one Tuesday afternoon. My master had just drawn a summoning ring to bring forth a minor goddess.
“Oh great Arlenia, the all-knowing, we beseech you to grant us a boon!”
“It is granted,” the goddess boomed.
“Could you tell us where Mrs McGinley’s TV remote control is?”
“It’s under the sofa cushion,” she said, and she couldn’t sound less interested.
“Oh, fabulous. Well, thanks for that. Departum!”
She didn’t even bother to say goodbye.
My master sat down in his chair by the fire and frowned.
“That’s it? That’s what I, a wizard of some repute, has been reduced to? Finding TV remotes?” And he jumped to his feet. “Bollocks to that. It’s time to go big or go home. Find fame and fortune, or give up the wizarding business altogether!” He paused dramatically.
“That was just a dramatic pause, you understand,” he said.
“Of course.”
“I couldn’t really give up the wizarding business. I’m a wizard like my father before me, and my father’s father.”
“Understood. Although, neither of them are doing the wizarding thing now, are they?”
“Oh goddess no. Granddad works in a bank and Dad sells vacuum cleaners.”
*
I had to visit my home village for a few days, and when I returned the magic shop was a mess. Papers everywhere, books piled haphazardly and dirty plates on the floor.
“Elmore!” My master grabbed me. “You’re back! Good!”
He had a wild look in his eyes. “Master, have you slept recently?”
“Not in days. But it doesn’t matter. I have the solution!”
“The solution?”
“I have found the perfect spell. Gold, silver, the best wines, a pair of Louis Vuitton earmuffs - they’ll all be mine!”
“But how?”
“I shall summon the Horned One himself!” he beamed. “And, with the right summoning circle and the correct spell, he will grant me five consequence-free wishes!”
“But … is that possible?”
“Oh yes, the book states it quite firmly.”
“The book??? You mean …” I dropped my voice to a whisper. “The Necromicon?”
“What? Goddess, no! You really think I’d allow that filthy thing in the house?”
“Then … the Encyclopaedia Demonica?”
“Not that either. You know how much space those volumes take up? No, I found it in this.” And he held up a dog-eared old copy of Bert Wizard’s Cast a Spell in a Day.
“There’s a problem,” he said. “The spell can only be cast by a woman.”
“That’s bad.”
“But I found a solution. A spell to turn myself into a woman.”
“That’s good.”
“However, the spell is permanent and can’t be undone.”
“That’s bad.”
“Be undone by anyone except the highest-ranking of demons, such as Beelzebub.”
“That’s good.”
“That will of course be the first of my five wishes. But, uh, there’s another problem.”
“That’s bad.”
“But I think you can help me with that, Elmore.”
That wasn’t good.
*
“No.”
“Oh, come on! I’ve explained to you that I can’t use my own blood.”
“Then use someone else’s!”
“I will - yours!”
“But I like my blood! I want to keep it all!”
“It’s just a little prick.”
“That’s what they all say.”
“Look!” And my master held up a little thin needle. “I’ll just need a few drops and then - fame, fortune, etc! And you are my apprentice, you know. You’re pretty much supposed to do whatever I say.”
I sighed. Clearly I was not going to win this argument.
“All right then, but please be quick about it.”
My master wielded the needle, and it was surprisingly painless. He held up a bowl containing a strange fluid and squeezed a few drops of blood into it, before putting a plastic adhesive over my finger.
“Well, that’s it,’ he said, holding up the bowl. “So, down the hatches!”
My master quickly drank the contents of the bowl, and then …
Well, I don’t know what I really expected. Fireworks, perhaps. A mighty flash of light. But there was nothing like that. One second my master was a man, the next a woman.
A really, really gorgeous woman.
Raven-black hair, full, luscious lips, large breasts, a flat belly and the kind of legs that went on forever. All of them showcased in a tight-fitting velvet dress split at the thigh.
“Master!” I gasped. “You’re … beautiful!”
“Really? Let me see.” She strutted - there was no other word for it - to the mirror. “Well, that’s an added bonus.”
“I’ll say!”
“Don’t get used to it, Elmore,” she said. “I won’t be like this for long.”
“Of course not, master … er, mistress?”
“Oh goddess no, don’t say that. It has … connotations.”
She leaned over and began pouring salt into a circle in the middle of the floor. When she finished, she lit three candles.
“You might want to step back, Elmore. It could get loud.” She began to chant strange words, in a language not our own.
The candles blew out.
And a mighty blaze of light appeared in the circle.
Which was now filled with a demon. A horrible, fearsome demon, burning with evil.
His voice boomed out.
“Who dares to summon the great … hotcha mama!”
The demon’s eyes popped open and his tongue lolled out.
“Well, hello, pretty lady. How you doing today, sweetie?” he practically purred.
My master took a step back and looked, surprised, behind herself before realising the demon was addressing her.
“Oh great demon, I summon you according to the precepts of Stan the Sudden, that you may grant me five wishes, with no consequences attached! And my first is …”
“Hate to interrupt, darling,” the demon broke in. “But who?”
I frowned. This wasn’t good at all.
My master looked surprised. “Er, Stan the Sudden? Grand wizard of the Black Mountains? He who bound the nine nightwalker to the river?”
The demon shook his head. “Sorry, honeybuns, but I’ve never heard of him.”
“So …” my master said slowly. “You’re not Beelzebub, then?”
“Who, me? Heavens no! I hate to disappoint such a lovely woman as yourself, but I think there’s been a bit of a mix-up. I’m Beetlebum, mischief demon. The one who hides TV remote controls. I bet you’ll never guess where I put them!” he said proudly.
“They’re under the sofa cushion.”
“Oh, you’re good, gorgeous! You get me!”
“So, just to make things perfectly clear, you don’t grant any wishes.”
“None that don’t concern TV remotes, no. But hey, maybe we could discuss this together. I’m thinking dinner, perhaps? There’s a nice little Italian place on the ninth circle. They’ve cleaned that place up recently and it looks a lot better.”
“I don’t think so.” And my master began to rub out the circle.
“Hey, wait! Don’t be so hasty, babe! You and me, I felt the spark between us!”
“Departum!” my master screamed. “Departum swiftus!”
“That’s not even real Latin, you know …” and the light died down as the demon was flung back to the foul netherworld.
My mistress collapsed into her chair. Her head in her hands. “I’m stuck! Stuck like this! I’m a woman forever! What on earth are we going to do?”
I smiled. “Actually, master, I have a few ideas.”
"I've told you before ... call me Jackson."
*
The magic shop was full to overflowing. At one gold piece each, I figured we’d made a pretty good killing.
“Ladies, and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage the Amazing Elmore!”
Huge applause as I took to the makeshift stage.
“And his assistant, the lovely Miss Jackson!”
Enormous applause. And not a few wolf whistles.
I noted with pride the look of glee on Jackson’s face. She was really getting off on this! I also noted the tight leotard she wore, and the fishnets that showcased her lovely legs.
I smiled at her and presented her with a bunch of flowers. Then, with a wave of my hands, they turned into a bird that flew off over the audience.
Jackson gave a little scream, then laughed hysterically. The audience gave a mighty burst of applause.
I stepped to the front of the stage. “Ladies and gentlemen, observe this hat! Empty … or is it? Hey presto!” And I held the rabbit up.
Jackson made a flourish, then took the rabbit.
We were booked up for the next two months.
Of course, we’d have to take a break then. She would start showing. No hiding that in a leotard.
Even for a wizard of some repute.