(TF) TransFun, xenomorphs, velociraptors

Jenkins ran.

He ran like he’d never run before. He ran on and on, never minding where he was going, just knowing that he had to keep running. To stop could mean death.

And death could be fatal.

It had seemed like such a pleasant idea. Take a group of some of his better students out to the country, give them TransFun serums, turn half of them into sheep and the others into cows, and give them a real lesson in herd instinct and teamwork.

It had all gone horribly, horribly wrong.

He cursed the universe for his predicament. Most of all, he cursed the stingy school accountant, who had assigned him a sum so small he’d had to resort to cheap TransFun knock-offs available online.

Well, if he survived he had a few things to tell her.

If he survived.

*

Cassie stretched her claws out, then extended her senses, searching for her prey. A picture of Jenkins flashed into her mind. Along with a single thought: “FOOD.”

Okay, a second thought as well: “This is for that B minus on my last essay, asshole.”

Behind her, hidden in the shadows, Charlotte shuffled forward. Charlotte was a jerk, everyone knew it, especially Cassie, who’d been the butt of her humour more than once.

Now, though, they were sisters. Better than sisters. Cohorts.

No words were exchanged. None needed to be. Visions passed between them.

A scent.

And off they went.

*

Jenkins broke into a clearing, and at last saw where he was.

Higher up the mountain.

Reaching into his pocket, he pulled out his phone. Yes! He was up high enough. One bar! Thank God!

(Although really, if he was thanking God, shouldn’t he also be cursing Him for giving him only one bar? Three would have been nice.)

With fumbling fingers, he dialled emergency.

“Hello! Hello! I need help! I’m stuck on a mountain and I’m being chased by a group of xenomorphs and … what do you mean, nice try? No! Don’t hang up! Hello? Hello?”

Those bastards. He was going to die. He just knew it.

*

Now they were five. Cassie led the pack of xenomorphs through the thick brush.

Something was near. Not necessarily Jenkins, but something.

Prey.

She turned her horrible long elongated head slightly, her outer jaws opening, thick spittle drooling.

Which is when the velociraptor came bursting out of the trees.

*

She’d expected to be a cow.

A nice brown cow, she’d hoped.

Ella was head prefect, captain of the netball team, a straight-A student and one of Jenkin’s favourites.

Right now, she was also … hungry.

She glided forward on her strong, powerful legs, holding her short, stumpy arms forward. She opened her mouth wide, showing her powerful teeth. Perfect for grinding any random weaker creatures passing her way. “Weaker creatures” in these circumstances meaning “other creatures”.

A jumble of images and sensations passed through her brain. Boiled down, they amounted to:

Rule no 1: Strike fast, strike hard, strike silently.

Rule no 2: There is no rule no 2.

*

She was swift.

She made for the nearest xenomorph, snapping its jaws around its slick, shiny black skin.

She knew instantly she’d made a mistake.

The foul-tasting flesh, the steaming blood …

She’d never stopped moving. In an instant she’d fled past the creatures and into the forest, quite gone.

The xenomorph reared back in pain, its arm now useless.

*

Jenkins had a brainwave. He’d actually saved the TransFun number in his phone when he’d thought he would be buying the serums from them. Quickly, as the moon slid out from under a cloud, he punched the number.

“Hello, welcome to TransFun. If you know the number of the person you seek, please press it now. Otherwise, press 1 for customer support …”

One! Yes!

There was a short silence, then: “Thanks for calling TransFun customer support. All our operators are busy right now. Please stay on the line and we’ll be with you as soon as possible.”

“You have got to be kidding me.” Jenkins stared at the phone.

His battery, he noted with fear, was at 32 per cent.

But, oh, wait, TransFun’s on-hold music was David Bowie’s Changes.

How cute.

*

From out of the darkness, four more velociraptors gathered. Ella roared. It meant, “Welcome, my sisters! Join me in the hunt. Together we will take on the dark ones, the usurpers! Our victory will be glorious!”

Or possibly “Run run fight fight kill kill yay team”.

It was so hard to tell with a raptor brain.

*

“TransFun, Margaret here, how can I help you? Wait, before you answer, if this is about the class action concerning people who thought they were going to be kittens but turned into tarantulas …”

“No time!” Jenkins broke in. “Listen to me, I’m on a mountain, it’s dark, I’m lost, and I’m being chased by a bunch of schoolgirls who have turned into xenomorphs and velociraptors! I need help! Urgently!”

Margaret paused for a brief second. “Were they changed by TransFun serums?”

Oh no. “Well, no, they were changed by something like TransFun serums - something I got on Ebay, I admit - but there has to be something you can do! It’s a matter of life and death - mine!”

Another brief pause. “Hold on for a minute, I need to talk to my supervisor.”

“Argh!”

Battery down to 24 per cent.

And then the moon went behind a cloud.

*

The xenomorphs hung in a silent group.

One of their kind was damaged. Their instincts were clear. Kill it, move on.

Cassie bared her inner jaws and they extended out of her mouth.

The others moved in.

Then suddenly, a sound, faint but clear.

“Argh!”

The prey.

They moved swiftly towards him.

*

Another voice on the line. A voice that sounded disgracefully cheerful.

“Hey, Roger here. Margaret’s been telling me about your little problem.”

A little problem? “Yes, yes. What can you do?”

“Well, listen, man, you should know better than buying cheap knock-offs of TransFun stuff.”

“Sure, sure, yell at me later, but right now I’ve got a bunch of hungry raptors and xenomorphs on my trail …”

“OK, well, listen, do you know what kind of serum everyone took?”

“Uh, yes, let me get one … Uh, it’s called TransFan Magic Changing Farm Fun Potion For Girls And Boys.”

“Oh, TransFan … those guys … well, OK, they basically just copy us, so luckily for you all the safeguards are in the serums too.”

“Meaning?”

“If the person using the serum is damaged or incapacitated beyond control, they will revert to their real selves.”

“Sorry, are you suggesting that all I, a 42-year-old science teacher, has to do to save myself from a group of ravenous monsters is … kill them?”

“Uh, yes, that’s it.”

“And Roger, would you have any idea of how I could do that?”

Pause.

Battery at 20 per cent.

From not far off, he could a raptor scream.

“Sorry, man, could you backtrack a minute? Did you say ‘let me get one’? You’ve got a full bottle of the serum right there?”

“Er, yes, one of the girls couldn’t come at the last minute.”

“And what colour is that serum? Pale blue?”

“Well, no, it’s a thick dark blue. I held it back because all the others were either pale green or pale blue, so I thought this one might be damaged in some way. Why?”

“And your name is?”

“Sebastian Jenkins. Why do you want to know?”

“Because, dude, you just won the freakin’ lottery. Now, I’m going to call to get a trace on your phone as soon as I hang up, but right now, listen to me …”

*

The raptors burst into the clearing.

From the other side, the xenomorphs lunged for them.

But from the trees above leapt something more hideous than either.

A hive queen.

Twenty feet tall. Two sets of arms. A long, powerful tail. And hideous jaws.

The xenomorphs fell into line immediately.

The queen launched the attack on the raptors. And then she launched the attack on the other xenomorphs.

Within a few minutes all lay dead around her.

And a minute or so later they were a bunch of unconscious schoolgirls.

And through the queen’s superior brain, under the crest of its forehead, ran a single thought.

“OK, that went well.”

*

“A monster?” Cassie echoed, as the rescue team milled around the girls. She pulled her blanket around her.

Jenkins nodded. “Afraid so. You were a horrific, ferocious killing machine.”

“Really?” Cassie took it in for a second. “Cool!”

“So, uh, as I was saying to the other girls, you might not have been cows or sheep, but …” - and he chuckled - “you all did very well in the subject of our little excursion, which was herd instinct and teamwork, so when we get back to school I’m awarding you all an A plus!”

“Oh wow, thanks, Mr Jenkins!”

Still doesn’t make up for the B minus, asshole.