"Single guy, lonely in love, looking for someone to Venn with. Ideally you're a woman aged 25-40 but will consider men transformed into women. Good sense of humour a must. No xenomorphs. Ron, box 555."

"Missed connection at the mall last Saturday. You were a woman with three breasts, I was a table lamp. I felt sparks fly. Roland, box 999."

"For sale: dress, slightly used, six months of transformation left. One stain, small. Deborah, box 444."

"I'm an attractive 50-year-old with plenty of life left in me who enjoys becoming a giant spider. If you like becoming a fly, come join me in my web. Non-smoker preferred. No xenomorphs. Zelda, box 333."

"Stressed? Try a weekend as a geranium! Our charming cottage has plenty of sunlight. Pot, water and Transfun serum all supplied. Zen Garden B&B, box 111."

"Couple, 30s, want to meet other couples in the Chicago area for competitive Venning. No xenomorphs. Phil & Rhonda, box 7776."

"Has your teenager transformed themselves into a pet again? Try Venn Walkies! Walking, also grooming, restoring teens on request. No xenomorphs or catgirls. Box 0000001."

"Clarinet player wants to meet experienced Venner. Objective: making sweet, sweet music together. No xenomorphs. Clarence, box 8548."

"Goo girl would like to hook up with TG woman transformed into bra for confusing time. Xenomorphs OK. Emily, box 2."

"Bored with Venn machines? Looking for something new? Try the Potions Place! Home of the Ultimate Potion and new Diet Ultimate Potion. Note: only for the pure of intent. Mr Wintergreen, box 435."

"Puny worthless worm of a man interested in hearing from giantesses into stomping, vore and golf. So Beneath Your Contempt I Am Nameless, box 888."

"Ever bought a Transfun serum that promised to make you a cat and turned you into a tarantula instead? Class action being launched. To join, write to Flywheel & Schuster Lawyers, box 666."