TF (multiple drunken ones), slight TG
Oh man, what did I do AGAIN last night?
Karen woke up and groaned. That damned piledriver was back in her brain. No, wait, obviously it couldn't be in her brain as her brain had been replaced by kitty litter. And there was something wiggling underneath the blanket that seemed to be attached to her ...
She rolled over in bed, forced her eyes open and found herself staring right at the tousled blonde head of her girlfriend Tori.
"Morning sweetheart," Tori said.
"Morning?"
"Well, more like two in the afternoon. I thought it was best to let you sleep."
"I think it would have been best to let me die ... Oh God, I did it again, didn't I?"
"Yup."
Karen had met Tori on the night of her last bender, a transformation potion-fuelled blowout that had involved an awful lot of drunken sex. Including that between two household appliances. And yes, with
transformation potions, that's possible.
"You'd better tell me all about it," she mumbled. "And be prepared to kill me afterwards."
"So where do you remember till?"
"I remember we met at the bar ..."
"Yeah, you came in steaming, shouting you couldn't believe what a shitty day you'd had, and that your car had broken down and it was going to cost four figures to fix it, and Trish had been promoted over you and she was only slightly more intelligent than a wet paper bag, and the White Sox had lost."
Karen winced. Yeah, that had hurt.
"And uh, it was happy hour, and you started knocking back tequila slammers."
"Only a couple, though, right?"
"Well sure, if 'a couple' means '14'."
"You were counting?"
"Well, someone has to," Tori smiled.
"I vaguely remember that."
"Do you remember sharing that bottle of Ultimate Potion I had?"
"Vaguely."
"Do you remember hissing at me that the only thing that was going to make this weekend better was more Ultimate Potion, and we had to go to the Potion Place right now?"
"Please tell me we didn't do that."
"So anyway, we went to the Potion Place ..."
Karen groaned.
"So you walked in and Mr Wintergreen said hi, and you screamed at him 'More potions! More potions! We want the finest potions in all existence!' And then you starting just slamming down four or five
transformation potions, and you changed into about 20 animals in 20 seconds."
No wonder her arms felt so tired.
"And then this blonde girl you seemed to know walked in and you said 'Hey, it's Space Heater! How's Ryyyyyyaaaaan, Space Heater?' And she said 'Hey, when I was a space heater I was useful, unlike some
people'. And you shouted 'OK! You want space heater, you got space heater!' And then you turned into a space heater, and she turned into a bigger space heater, and you turned into an even bigger space
heater, and she turned into a really big space heater, and you said you were going to turn yourself into the sun, but then Mr Wintergreen threw you out."
Karen pulled her pillow over her face. Maybe if she held it there long enough she could suffocate herself and never seen any of them ever again. "He's never going to let me back into that place."
"It's OK. He winked at me and told me you'd be welcome back after you'd sobered up."
Karen removed the pillow and gave a weak smile.
"And paid for the potions you drank. He's going to send you a bill."
The smile vanished and the pillow went back.
"So then I followed you back to the alley behind the Potion Place, and you were looking at yourself and I said what were you looking for, and you said to see if you were smoking, and then, uh, you changed into a
dragon."
"A what?"
"A boy dragon. And, uh, then I changed into a girl dragon, and then we had sex."
"In the alley behind the Potion Place???"
"Yeah, well, it did calm you down. Although you know who it didn't calm down?"
"Who?"
"The woman who had merged with a wall in the alley behind the Potion Place."
Well, this just got better and better.
"So then we just went home to bed, right?"
"Uh, well, then I was trying to find a taxi and I couldn't find one because it was Friday night, and you said 'taxis? We don't need no
stinking taxis!' And then you ran into the road and turned into a sports car, and said 'Get in, babe, I'm the best ride in town'. And I
said you shouldn't drive drunk, and you said 'Hey, you're the one driving. I'm just the car'. And we drove home and then we had sex."
"In bed, right? As humans?"
"No, in parking bay 12. And you were still a car."
"How is that even possible?"
"Well, you had a manual drive."
"What does ... never mind, I get it. But then we went to bed?"
"No, then we went in and I made a pot of coffee and you drank four cups before I realised you were lacing them with whiskey. And I told you off, and you cried, and we went to bed."
"Whereupon I fell asleep? Please?"
"No, then you said 'I'm sorry baby, I want to show you how much I love you,' and I said 'well, you can buy me chocolates', and you said 'no, I want to SHOW show you,' and then you uh, well, you changed your lady parts into man parts."
"Oh, Well, that explains the thing wriggling under the blanket. And then we had sex, right?"
"Got it."
"And then I fell asleep."
"No, then you said 'hey, ever seen any Japanese porn?' and you changed
your man parts into a tentacle."
"I did what?"
"Yeah, I was surprised too. And then we had sex."
"Jesus! I'm quite the stud after a couple of tequila slammers!"
"Fourteen."
"OK, fourteen." She sighed. "God, I am never going to drink again. If you want to never see me again, I understand."
Tori grinned. "Actually, it was quite the fun night."
"Right."
"Especially the tentacle."
"Well, I know what I'm doing this afternoon. A lot of apologising." Karen thought for a minute and frowned. "Hey, I just remembered that when we were in the bar you were keeping up with me on the tequila
slammers front, young lady. How come you didn't wind up drunk?"
'Because," Tori smiled, "when I took the Ultimate Potion I used it to transform into a sober person."
"You can do that? Then I'm going to transform into a person without a
hangover. You, Tori, are a genius."
"And you, Karen, are the girlfriend of a genius."
"Aw, come here ..."
They kissed. And somewhere, a tentacle sprang to attention.