TF (woman into record albums)

"So listen, thanks for agreeing to do this interview."

"Sure, happy to. Although this is probably the fourth interview I've done on the return of vinyl this year."

"It has been pretty extraordinary though, right? I understand you're pressing 2000 per cent more albums than when you bought this old factory from one of the majors."

"Actually, it's probably closer to double that. Business has really picked up over the past six months. It's become very hip to have your album out on vinyl. All the bands are doing it."

"Are there any drawbacks?"

"Well, sure. You can see just by looking at the factory equipment that it's not getting any younger. The number of people who can maintain it is getting smaller every year. Even now, if a part wears out, we don't have a spare. We basically have to make a new part ourselves."

"Right."

"And lately we've had to contend with a shortage of the vinyl used to make the LPs themselves. That's something we've tried to tackle with our special editions, where we've used a completely new source of vinyl."

"And what's that?"

"Volunteers."

"... I'm not sure I understand."

"Actually, you're in luck, because we're just about to start pressing one of the special editions. Here's Hope."

"Hi!"

"Hi, Hope. What are you doing here today?"

"I'm gonna be a special edition of the new Asking Alexandria album!"

"... Sorry, you're gonna make a special edition?"

"No, I'm gonna BE it!"

"That's right, Hope has volunteered to become 3000 copies of the new record by Asking Alexandria."

"They're my favourite band!"

"That's ... Wait, you're going to turn this woman into records?"

"Not forever! That's why we call them limited editions. Hope will become a record for ... Six months, was it?"

"Yeah, I'm on a gap year."

"And note that Hope is over 18 and not being coerced in any way."

"Hope, what do your parents think of this?"

"They think it's really cool! Mom's already volunteered to become Joni Mitchell's Ladies of the Canyon."

"OK then, I think we're just about ready to go. Hope, you can go behind that screen and disrobe, then drink the potion in the bottle there."

"Got it! Glug glug glug ... Oh wow! Oh man! Oooooooo!!!"

"Are you through transforming? ... OK, as you can see, Hope has turned into 100 per cent virgin vinyl. So we place it in the stampers here, start the machines, and she'll be pressed into vinyl LPs."

"Man, that's gotta hurt."

"Actually, from what I understand, it's quite pleasurable. In fact, there were so many yells and screams of joy from people as they were being pressed that we had to modify the transforming potion to take away their power of speech."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Also, they were singing along as they were being played, and people were mistaking it for a manufacturing fault."

"Well, thanks. I think this is going to be a good article."

"Hey, no problem! And remember, if you're really into an album, there's nothing better than being an album."