Her brain kept insisting that either her perfectly healthy arms had to go or it would instead. A young woman shares her dark secret with the only person she knows who might understand, and, bypassing the legitimate medical community, finally gets what she needs to be truly happy.
Warning: Some people may find this story to be disturbing, and so it is intended for mature audiences only. If you are 18+, read at your own discretion. This is a fictional account of a young woman with a condition called body integrity dysphoria (BID), which is very real. People who have BID typically have an overwhelming, irrational need to be physically disabled in some specific way, a desire which began in childhood and has only become more intense over time. The desired disability is frequently, but not always, the amputation of one or more limbs.
Becoming Venus, Part 4 consists of the following chapters:
Chapter 9 – Home Again
Darcy accompanied Adam to the airport to pick up Savannah, Cara, and Cody after their trip home from Thailand. As soon as the three weary travelers exited the secure area, Adam ran up to Savannah and carefully but firmly embraced her, being careful to avoid touching anywhere near her shoulders. “I’m so glad you’re home,” he said to her before he moved in for a long, passionate kiss. “You look great!” he added.
It was a new and strange sensation for Savannah, not being able to hug him back. The sheer emotion of it all overwhelmed her and tears began running down her cheeks as she continued to kiss Adam.
Darcy said to them, “Uh, guys, Dad and Cara and I are going to head down to baggage claim. You can catch up with us there.”
Savannah broke off the kiss as her priorities were suddenly reordered. “Wait, Cara. I need to pee first. Adam can’t help me with that here.” Adam and Cara both laughed at that.
“How about if I help you and give Cara a break?” Darcy suggested. Savannah was agreeable to that.
Adam then replied, “In that case, Dad and Cara and I will go to baggage claim and you can catch up with us.” As Savannah and Darcy headed for the ladies’ room and Adam and Cara headed to baggage claim with their father, Adam said to them, “Dad, Cara, I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done for Savannah. I want you to know it really means a lot to me.”
Cody smiled at Adam and replied, “Just so you know, son, it had nothing to do with you. I did it for her, and would’ve done it even if you weren’t in a relationship with her.”
Cara nodded her head in agreement and said, “Same here.”
Adam considered his father’s words. If he’d spoken them over the phone or had written them, Adam might have been hurt by them, but from his father’s smile and body language, he could tell that he meant no offense. “Regardless, it still means a lot to me. I know she’s much happier now, and that can only be good for our relationship, I would think.
“Anything I should know?” Adam asked them.
“About what?” Cody replied.
“About anything that happened, anything Savannah said; I don’t know.”
Cara responded, “Well, I’m sure you know how much she loves you, and that she can’t wait to be married to you. I don’t think you fully realize how much she’s come to deeply admire and respect you, though. I think a lot more than she’s letting on.”
“Admire and respect me how?”
“Your personality; the way you carry yourself and deal with things,” Cara replied. “The way you stay calm and do what needs to be done; the way you’re rock-solid reliable. Your hidden strength under that mild-mannered exterior. She thinks of you like Clark Kent, I guess. Not the flashiest guy in town, but by far the best.”
“Well, that’s good to know,” Adam replied. “Thanks.”
Savannah and Darcy caught up with the others just as Cody pulled the last suitcase from the carousel. Adam said, “I’ll go get the van so we don’t have to drag all this stuff to the parking garage.”
Savannah didn’t like that idea. “Adam, wait. Would one of you please do it instead? I can’t bear to be away from Adam for another minute.”
Darcy volunteered. “I’ll do it. I’m the only other one of us who’s not jetlagged.”
Cody said, “I’ll go with you, once we get these bags to the curb. It shouldn’t fall on Adam and Cara to do it by themselves.”
The four with arms carried and wheeled the luggage out to the curb, and Darcy and Cody retrieved the van and pulled up to the curb. They loaded the van and got in, with Darcy driving, Cody riding shotgun, and the other three in the second row. Savannah wanted to snuggle as close as possible to Adam, but she couldn’t put her tender shoulder against him without it being painful, especially in a moving vehicle. She did the best she could, positioning her leg against his to maximize their physical contact. She turned her head toward him and gazed lovingly at him.
Adam sensed Savannah was looking at him and he turned his head toward her. She didn’t break her gaze; instead, she made eye contact with him and continued to have an expression of complete bliss on her face. “What?” he asked her, suddenly feeling quite self-conscious.
“Nothing…” she replied. “I just missed you so much. I don’t want to be away from you anywhere that long ever again!”
They simultaneously leaned in for a kiss, and it quickly turned into to an extended, passionate French kiss. Savannah was pleasantly surprised to feel herself becoming aroused by this. She doubled down and increased the intensity of her kiss, and Adam matched her, arousing her even further. There was something about being passionately kissed by her man while armless that was very erotic, very titillating. She didn’t see this coming, but if this was a side effect of being armless, then bring it on! It was icing on the cake. She couldn’t wait to get home and have Adam ravish her.
All of this public display of affection didn’t go unnoticed. Cara was sitting right next to them, and after a little while she said, “Jeez, you two, get a room!” She was only pretending to be annoyed; she was smiling as she said this, which Adam could see as he was facing in her direction.
Adam broke off the kiss in order to respond, while Savannah continued to kiss him and tried get her tongue back in his mouth. “We intend to do just that, just as soon as you can get us home,” he replied with a mischievous smile.
Darcy looked in the rearview mirror at the backseat activity and, laughing, said, “How about if I take you two home first, before you start doing it right here in the van?”
“That’s probably a very good idea, Darcy,” Savannah said between kisses. “I don’t know how much longer I can hold out.”
Savannah and Adam weren’t looking forward to all the comments and questions they were sure to start getting from people who knew her or at least saw her often enough to remember her. Nor were they exactly ready for it, either emotionally or with prepared responses. They could only hope they could slip her unnoticed from the van to their apartment, enabling them to postpone the inevitable for a little while longer. But that was not to be.
“Holy shit! What happened to your arms?” was the reaction they got from a neighbor they recognized but whose name they didn’t know as they were climbing the stairs to their second-floor apartment and he was descending.
“I had to have them removed,” was all that Savannah could think to say, looking very uncomfortable and not offering any information besides the obvious.
“Yeah, I can see that, but why?” asked the man.
Adam then came to her rescue. He replied, “We’re not ready to talk about it yet, if you don’t mind. She’s just now coming home from the hospital, and it’s still all too fresh. We need some time to process everything that’s happened.”
The expression on the man’s face changed to one of embarrassment and regret. “I’m sorry; that was very insensitive of me. I didn’t realize.” He looked like he still had something to say and was fishing for the right words. “If there’s anything I can do, anything you need…” he said without finishing the thought.
“Thank you, but we should be fine,” replied Adam. “We have a good support system already in place.”
Once they got Savannah’s luggage into the apartment and the other three left, Savannah plastered herself against Adam and started kissing him again. “If I still had hands, I’d rip your clothes off!” she exclaimed. “But I don’t, so you’re going to have to do it yourself. Mine, too!”
“What’s gotten into you, Savannah?” Adam asked, laughing. “I’ve never seen you so horny.”
“I don’t know! All I know is that I need you ruin me, and I mean right now! There’s just something about being armless and back with you again! Just please be careful with my shoulders; they’re still healing and very tender.”
“How do you want to do this then? Cowgirl style?” he asked.
“No, I need you to be on top. I need you to dominate me!” She resumed kissing him, and then stopped again and asked, “Why are our clothes still on, Adam?! Get us naked and start f**king my brains out!”
Ten minutes later, the two were side by side on the bed, naked, drenched with sweat and other body fluids, and panting heavily. “That was wonderful!” Savannah said to her fiancé. “Thank you, Adam. Have I told you how much I missed you?”
“Yeah… Have I told you how glad I am you’re home?”
“Yeah…” Savannah was lost in her thought for a minute and then said. “I had no idea getting my arms cropped was going to turn me into a nympho, at least when I’m around you.”
“Well, it’s a nice bonus, isn’t it?” Adam asked rhetorically.
“Absolutely, but I have to admit, I was pretty shameless there in the van in front of your family.”
“They all seemed to think it was pretty funny. I don’t think you have anything to worry about, except maybe some good-natured teasing.”
Adam crossed his ankle over Savannah’s and they laid there together in silence for a few minutes. Then she said, “Darcy told me when we were walking to the baggage claim that she’s blocked off time in her schedule for me to do agility training, so I can do things like raise my feet above my head.” Darcy worked as a freelance personal trainer. “She also said that Paige has done the same thing so she can teach me to use my toes like fingers.” Paige was one of Adam’s older sisters and was an occupational therapist.
“Between the two of them, they’re hoping I’ll be able to do things like eat with utensils and brush my teeth and put on makeup and brush my hair without assistance.” Savannah paused and said, “I love your family, Adam. They’ve been so good to me.”
“That would be great if you could do those kinds of things,” Adam said. He’d always wanted to care for a disabled wife, but he knew there would always be plenty of things Savannah could no longer do and would need him to do for her. He actually wanted her to be as independent as possible. “And they’re your family now, too, remember?”
Adam then said her, “That reminds me. I got you something while you were away. I got you a bidet seat for the toilet. You ought to be able to clean yourself with it after going to the bathroom without needing any help. I just need to mount the control panel on the wall where you can reach it with your toes. I wanted to wait until you were here to do that so you can tell me exactly where you want it.”
“Awww…. That’s so sweet of you, Adam. Thank you!”
“I don’t know how you’re going to get your shorts and panties down and back up again without help, though. Hopefully Paige can teach you how to do that.”
“After I cool down a bit more, I’m going to try out the bidet, and then I think I’m going to take a nap,” said Savannah. “My body clock is so screwed up after being halfway around the world for the past few weeks. Plus, you really wore me out just now,” she said as she playfully nudged him with her foot. “Then, I’m going to need you to help me get cleaned up. I can’t take showers yet because of the incisions, but I can take a tub bath and have you wash my hair in the sink, if you don’t mind.”
“I’ll be happy to do that for you, Savannah. Anything you need, I’m at your beck and call.”
Adam found it deeply satisfying to help Savannah bathe and dress and eat. It felt like they now had a deep spiritual connection that wasn’t there before. Savannah felt it too; it just felt so right to have Adam care for her in this way. She realized that if all went according to plan, she’d be able to do those things herself again someday, but for now, she was thoroughly enjoying the experience of having Adam do them for her.
Early the following afternoon, there was a knock at the door. Adam went to the door, looked through the peephole, and saw a woman that he recognized as the wife of the man they’d encountered in the stairway. Adam opened the door.
“Hi, I’m your neighbor from the third floor. My husband told me what happened to your companion. Please tell her I’m so very sorry. I came by to tell you not to worry about dinner for the next several weeks. I’ll bring dinner to you this evening, and I’ve organized the other tenants in the building to do the same starting tomorrow. We’ll do this for the next three days, and then every other day after that. Everyone’ll make enough for you to get two meals out of what they bring.”
Adam was taken aback. “I very much appreciate you doing this, but I assure you it’s not necessary. I’m off work for a few days to help her get settled, and after that we’ll have people staying with her whenever I’m at work. We’ll be fine, really.”
“Well, now you’ll have one less thing to worry about,” the woman replied with a smile. “Everything’s already arranged, and everyone is happy to do their part.”
“I don’t know what to say,” said Adam. “Thank you.”
“‘Thank you’ is plenty. Please tell your partner I’m praying for her. Now what time do you usually eat dinner?”
“Normally around 6 pm”.
“I’ll be back at 5:45 with tonight’s dinner, then, and I’ll tell everyone to try to have your meals here by then as well. See you then.”
It turned out that everyone made a lot more food than enough for two people to get two meals out of. Even when Adam returned to work, still on the second shift, and someone was staying with Savannah at dinner time, meaning three people were eating dinner, they quickly had more leftovers than they had room for in their fridge. Adam began inviting family members over to help them eat all the food, and had to insist that the people bringing food do so less frequently than every other day.
Chapter 10 – Coming Clean
Adam had taken a few days off work to help Savannah get settled and acclimated to her new reality of permanently living without the use of arms, hands, or fingers. Even though she’d desperately needed to be that way, she never wanted to be disabled; it’s just that having the former without the latter is impossible. Therefore, Adam had some concerns about how well she’d actually cope with the limitations and frustrations that came with her disability.
Therefore, he was pleased and mildly surprised to discover that his fears were apparently unfounded, at least so far. Savannah never seemed to get frustrated with her inability to do things or having to depend on others. She readily accepted her fate, having had well over a decade to consider it, and recognizing that it was vastly preferable to the mental torment of suffering from BID.
Savannah felt it was necessary to tell her family what she’d done in person, rather than remotely via text, a voice call, or even a video call. However, she knew she needed to prepare them for what they’d see before they actually saw it. She and Adam discussed possible ways they could do both. The best way that they could think of was for her to be covered with a sheet or blanket that hid everything between her neck and waist. They’d invite her parents and sister over, and they’d talk about what she’d done first, while she was covered. Only after they were prepared would Adam remove the cover and reveal her to them.
They thought about whether they wanted anyone else to be there for moral support or just deal with her parents on their own. They agreed that it would be good if Jazmyn were there; she wouldn’t get caught up the in the emotions and could articulately explain BID to her parents. Jazmyn agreed to be present, and they worked out a mutually agreeable time with everyone.
Savannah’s parents and her 18-year-old sister Bekah arrived, and Adam answered the door. Before he let them in, he said to them, “Prepare yourselves. This is going to be shocking and upsetting to you. I know it’s asking a lot, but please try to stay calm and really listen to what Savannah has to say.” The Ewings all looked at each other apprehensively and steeled themselves for whatever was coming.
They entered the living room, and they saw Savannah under a blanket, as well as Adam’s older sister Jazmyn in her wheelchair. Savannah made no effort to get up and greet them. Instead, she said, “Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. Hey, Bekah. Please forgive me if I don’t get up.” Her mother headed her way to give her a hug, but Savannah blocked her with her foot. “Mom, please don’t. I don’t want to be touched right now. Maybe later, after we talk. I hope you understand it’s nothing personal. I’m not at all upset with either of you. I just hope you won’t be too upset with me.”
Adam invited the Ewings to have a seat and explained that Jazmyn was there as an impartial third party who could mediate if necessary. Everyone then turned their attention to Savannah. She became visibly emotional as she prepared to speak.
“This is so hard for me…” she said, fighting back tears. “I know there’s no way you’re going to understand the hell I’ve been going through for many years, because I’ve done everything I could to keep it from you until now.
“I’ve been diagnosed with a condition called body integrity dysphoria, or BID for short. It’s a mental disorder where a person has an overwhelming need to become disabled in some specific way. It’s not psychological; it’s related to an actual physical abnormality in the brain. There’s no cure for it, and no effective treatment. It gets to the point where the person is living in utter torment because they don’t have the disability they so desperately crave. The only way to get relief is to actually become disabled.”
Her family had completely stunned looks on their faces, and tears began running down her mother’s and sister’s faces. Savannah completely lost her composure and cried for a few minutes while everyone waited. Adam had to wipe away her tears and hold a tissue to her face so she could blow her nose. Then she resumed.
“I’ve been fighting this for many years. It started as just a fascination with disabled people when I was a kid, but it’s gotten steadily worse, especially in the past few years. Finally, I opened up to some of the Farrises about it, because I thought they might understand better than anyone, and they’ve been incredibly supportive. More supportive than I could’ve ever imagined. I love them all so much!”
Mr. Ewing interrupted. “You’ve done something to make yourself disabled, haven’t you?” he asked, having put two and two together.
Savannah could barely choke out her one-word response. “Yes,” she said. It took her about thirty seconds before she could speak again. By now, even Mr. Ewing had tears running down his cheeks.
“In my case, I became obsessed with being armless. I cried myself to sleep every night because I had arms, and I’d cry when I woke up every morning because they were still there. I was rational enough to know how crazy it was to want to be that way, and how hard it would be not to have them, but it didn’t matter.
“A few weeks ago I flew to Thailand and had both of my arms surgically removed at the shoulders,” Savannah was barely able to say, her throat was so tight from emotion. “There’s nothing left now, not even any stumps.”
“Oh, Savannah!” her mother said, overcome with emotion. “You didn’t!”
“I did, and I couldn’t be happier about it. I finally am the way I’ve longed to be for many years.”
“How are you going to manage without hands or even arms?” her father asked.
“Some things, I’ll learn how to do some other way – using my feet, or my nose, or whatever. There are a lot of things I’ll just simply never be able to do again, and I accept that. Adam has agreed to be my caregiver for the rest of my life, and he’ll do for me what I can’t do for myself. He’s also agreed to be my husband – we’re engaged!”
“Well, there’s one piece of good news, at least,” replied Mr. Ewing. Bekah laughed at this while she continued to cry, not because it was funny, but just out of happiness for her sister. “Congratulations to both of you,” her father said. “But who’ll care for you while he’s working?”
“I’m currently accepting applications for volunteers,” Savannah joked. “Seriously, though, I’m hoping I’ll eventually be able to manage without help, but until that day comes, if it ever comes, the entire Farris family has offered to pitch in. That’s a lot of people – hopefully at least one of them will be available when I need someone. If you want to help, too, you’re more than welcome.”
“I just can’t understand why you’d want to do this to yourself,” said Mrs. Ewing.
“Of course you can’t, Mom; you don’t have BID. Believe me; I didn’t want to do this. I know full well how insane it is and how difficult it’s going to be. I had to do to it, though; for my own sanity, and to ensure my own survival.
“Many people with BID, if they can’t find a safe way to become disabled, will take matters into their own hands and resort to desperate measures. They try to amputate themselves or blind themselves or whatever. Many of those attempts result in injuries far worse than intended or even death. Others intentionally commit suicide in order to get relief. I’m fortunate that it hadn’t yet reached that point for me, and that the Farrises had the understanding and the connections and the means to help me get what I needed. I’ll be forever in their debt.”
“Why didn’t you come to us about this years ago, Savannah?” asked her father.
This got Savannah crying again. “Because I knew I could never make you understand. You’d have sent me to shrinks who could never understand. You’d have kept me drugged up and maybe committed to a mental institution as a danger to myself. You’d have done everything in your power to stop me from getting the one thing I really needed.” She paused. “Am I wrong, Dad?”
Mr. Ewing, with a resigned look on his face, replied, “No, you’re not wrong. We would’ve done all that.”
“And if you had, it could’ve easily pushed me to do something desperate,” Savannah said in response. “My way was so much better for everyone involved.” Mr. Ewing nodded his head in agreement, finally beginning to understand. He became emotional as he thought about what could have happened.
“Are you ready to see what I look like now?” she asked.
“No,” said Mrs. Ewing. “I don’t think I can bear to see you without arms. At least not yet, anyway.”
“Yes,” said Mr. Ewing. “I need to see this with my own eyes for my brain to accept that it’s real.”
“I want to see this, too,” chimed in Bekah, “out of morbid curiosity, I suppose.”
They had Mrs. Ewing wait in the bedroom while they showed the other two. Adam removed the blanket and then Savannah stood and turned 360 degrees around. Mr. Ewing and Bekah both became visibly teary-eyed and emotional, but with entirely different expressions on their faces. Bekah was smiling while her father looked like he’d just been given soul-crushing news.
“Oh my God, Savvy, you look so cute that way,” said Bekah, calling her sister by her family nickname and surprising everyone in the room with her comment. Her father shot her a glance of confusion. “What?” Bekah asked rhetorically. “I know this is supposed to be serious and all, but she does look cute. That look totally works on you, sis!” she said to Savannah, who had to chuckle at this. Mr. Ewing just shook his head in resignation at his younger daughter’s reaction.
Adam then put the blanket back on around Savannah and they called Mrs. Ewing back. “They’re really gone,” Mr. Ewing reported to his wife. “But the surgeon did a good job; the incisions should heal up nicely and the scars will eventually be barely visible, I think.
“I have a question for you, Jazmyn, if you don’t mind,” said Mr. Ewing. “I’m just trying to understand all of this. I know your aunt is completely limbless, and you’re missing your legs. Is BID something that runs in your family?”
“That’s a good question,” Jazmyn replied. “None of us have ever been diagnosed with it, but I do think a few of us might have some form of it anyway, or something similar to it. I lost my legs in an unforeseeable accident; they were crushed under debris from that tornado ten years ago. However, and I don’t ordinarily tell people this so please keep it confidential, I was glad that that happened. I’d wanted to be legless. Anyway, we could completely relate to what Savannah was going through, even if it wasn’t quite the same as our own experiences, and that’s why we wanted to help her.”
“I see,” said Mr. Ewing. “Well, thank you from the bottom of my heart, and please pass my gratitude on to the rest of your family. I’d much rather have a daughter with no arms, especially if she’s happy that way, than some of the other ways this could’ve gone.”
“That went way better than I expected,” Savannah said to both Adam and Jazmyn, clearly relieved, once her family had left. “Thanks for coming, Jazmyn. I’m sorry I wasted your time.”
“It wasn’t a waste of time. You didn’t know you weren’t going to need me. Besides, who knows? Maybe my being here helped your parents stay calm and rational.”
“You did an amazing job explaining it to them in a way they could understand, Savannah,” Adam said to her. “Especially at the end, when you laid out what the alternatives could’ve been. I was a little concerned when you kept bringing up my family’s name that they’d blame us for aiding and abetting their daughter’s mutilation, but instead you made them realize that we saved your life. Thanks for that.”
“I truly believe that you did save my life and my sanity, all of you,” Savannah replied. “I meant every word I said.”
Chapter 11 – Not Harmless
The following day, Adam had to return to work, and Savannah began being ‘babysat’ by various female family members. It was only appropriate for women to stay with her because one of the main things she needed help with was using the bathroom. Savannah greatly appreciated having the bidet seat, as she was no longer subjected to the indignity of someone else having to wipe her, but she still needed help getting her shorts and panties down and back up again.
They’d managed to get enough volunteers, including Savannah’s sister Bekah, so that no one had to do it more than once a week. Some of them had a regular weekday off work, some of them worked remotely, and some had Monday-Friday jobs and helped at night and on weekends. All days of the week had to be covered because Adam’s days off varied. Sometimes, the ‘sitter’ would come to Adam’s and Savannah’s apartment, and in other cases, she’d spend the day at their place.
Darcy and Paige got Savannah started on agility training and occupational therapy shortly after she returned from Thailand, each getting her for an hour three times a week, and each assigning her exercises she could do at home. Darcy concentrated on loosening up her tendons and joints so she could lift her legs up high both while standing and from a seated position, and developing her muscles so that she could hold them there. Paige worked with her to develop dexterity in her toes and feet so she could use them like fingers and hands, and teaching her hacks she could use to accomplish tasks in new ways.
On Adam’s next day off, Savannah said to him, “Today we’re going to do some spring cleaning.”
“What do you mean, spring cleaning?” Adam asked. “Our apartment isn’t that dirty, and for all practical purposes, it’s already summer!”
“I want you to help me go through my wardrobe. I’m getting rid of all my tops and dresses that have sleeves. Well, most of them, anyway. I didn’t get these empty shoulders just to hide them, you know. Then I’ll see what I have left and figure out what I’m going to need.”
“Do it yourself,” Adam said flatly.
“Excuse me?” Savannah said, incredulous that he’d be so callous.
“Do it yourself,” Adam repeated. “I have no interest in spending my day off organizing your closet. I know that you needed to be armless, but that doesn’t mean you get to be helpless, too. So figure out how to do what you want to do. It doesn’t matter if it’s harder or slower without arms or hands; that’s your new reality. If there’s something that you really can’t do, I’ll help you, but otherwise, you’re on your own.” Having said that, Adam walked out of the room.
Savannah was livid. How dare he talk to her like that! Had he no compassion? Had he no empathy? Did he not understand how little she could do by herself? She sat on the bed and cried for several minutes, feeling sorry for herself.
Then she got up. I’ll do this with or without Adam’s help, dammit, she thought to herself. She stood in front of her closet and considered her options for how to open the bi-fold doors. She tried lifting a leg so she could put her foot on the knob, but she wasn’t limber enough yet to easily get it up that high, and she didn’t want to lose her balance since she had no way to break her fall. It occurred to her that she could drag a chair over and sit on the chair as she raised her leg, but before she bothered with that, she thought she’d see if she could open the door using her mouth. She wrapped her lips around the round knob and pulled, and the door opened easily. Yay, me, she thought.
Next she thought about how to get an article of clothing on a hanger out of the closet and onto the bed. She figured she could grab the hanger with her teeth, but she wasn’t tall enough to reach it. She went out to the kitchen to get the small, folding stepstool they kept there. It was folded flat and stored upright between the fridge and the cabinet. She pulled it out with her foot, and then pushed it with her foot over to their bed. She then sat on the bed and used her feet to unfold it and lock it into position, and then pulled it in front of the closet.
Standing on the stepstool, she was able to grip a hanger in her teeth and lift it high enough to clear the rod it was hanging on. Still holding it in her teeth, she stepped down off the footstool, walked to the bed, and carefully laid the blouse flat on the bed. One down, probably a hundred to go, she thought. This is going to take all day.
But she stuck to it. It was slow, tedious, and exhausting, but she made steady progress. A while later, Adam checked in on her. “Looks like you’re figuring it out,” he remarked cheerfully. “That’s quite a pile you have on the bed.”
“I decided to purge mostly the long-sleeved stuff for now,” she said in reply. “There’s plenty of those, and I’ll never wear them again; I don’t want long, empty sleeves dangling at my sides. I’m keeping a few cardigan sweaters, but that’s it. There’s some short sleeved stuff I know I’ll never wear again, too, so I got rid of those, too. Otherwise, I’ve saved the short sleeves to wear in public while my incisions are still ugly looking. Once they look like Aunt Bryana’s, I’ll probably ditch most of those, too.
“Adam, why were you so mean to me earlier?” she asked, changing the subject.
“To motivate you; that’s all,” he replied. “If I’d done what you wanted, you’d be sitting on the bed giving orders and I’d be doing all the work. You’d be just as helpless at the end as you were at the beginning, and then next time there was a project you wanted done, you’d go about it the same way.
“But look at what you’ve accomplished on your own. Now you know how to open the closet door, and how to get an article of clothing that’s hanging in the closet. You’re doing something productive and have something to show for your effort. You have every reason to be proud of yourself.”
Savannah smiled. “Thanks. You’re absolutely right. It does feel good to be useful. I couldn’t figure out how to get the some of the clothes off their hangers, though. The ones with a high neckline that were buttoned at the top, and the turtlenecks. I want to donate the clothes but keep the hangers.”
“Still, you removed the hangers that you could. You’re not going to learn how to do everything right away, and some things you’re just not going to ever be able to do. That’s okay. I think you’re doing a great job. Keep it up; it looks like you have a ways to go yet.”
Savannah kept smiling as Adam left the room. His strategy to motivate her worked, and she did feel proud of what she was accomplishing without help. She was armless but not helpless. She thought about that phrase. While accurate, it didn’t have the right amount of zing. Armless but not harmless. That sounded much better, much more badass. She daydreamed about being a world famous armless kickboxer.
The exercises Darcy and Paige had Savannah doing were tough, as they were both physically demanding and tedious. They were both quite impressed with her attitude, however. She never complained; never said that she’d had enough and wanted to stop. They knew she was doing the home exercises faithfully, both because their other siblings told them she did when they were ‘sitting’ her, and also because of the steady progress she made. Both sisters wished that more of their clients were as dedicated as Savannah.
Savannah definitely preferred the exercises that also had a practical purpose, such as using a computer keyboard and mouse. She now spent more time online than she ever had since she was a teenager, both because she had the time and it gave her something to do. However, this wasn’t merely killing time; it was doing wonders for her toe and foot dexterity.
Among many other things, Paige taught how she could pull her pants and underwear up and down using hooks strategically mounted to the wall and a hook with a handle she could hold in her mouth. The wall hooks were placed at various heights, some facing up and some facing down. At home, she could now use the bathroom completely unaided, at least three weeks out of the month, anyway. Savannah considered this a huge milestone worthy of celebration, and Adam was happy to indulge her, both in the bedroom and otherwise.
Because of this newly-acquired ability, Savannah stopped having someone stay with her at all times. Instead of spending the day with her, she just had them come over to help her with meals and to drive her to her training and therapy appointments. She was still getting the hang of eating unaided, and she wasn’t anywhere ready to do her own meal prep and cleanup.
But over time, Savannah was able to do more and more on her own. It was a huge psychological milestone for her the first time she blew her own nose unassisted.
After Savannah’s surgical incisions were reasonably healed, she said to Adam, “I’m ready to go out and start doing fun things again.”
“Okay, what did you have in mind?” he asked her.
“I want to go on dates with you again, but I want to try something new. If we do mainstream stuff, I’m going to be stared at and pitied, which I’m fine with – that’s just part of my new reality. I’m not going to stay home and hide because of that. But I love my empty shoulders, and I want to sometimes be treated normally, or maybe even admired for them, to be the star attraction, the hit of the party.”
“Where are you going to be able to do that?” he asked.
“Well, Darcy sometimes goes to goth clubs,” Savannah replied. “Obviously, she doesn’t live that lifestyle 24/7, but she likes to dabble in it occasionally. Goths are very much into horror and dark, bizarre, freaky stuff. Darcy tells me that that crowd would love my missing arms and scars. I’d like to dress up and go with her, and you, sometime and experience that firsthand.
“We’d need to get goth clothing and makeup and all that,” replied Adam.
“I know. Let’s do it. Darcy can help us buy what we need and show us how to apply all the makeup.”
Adam was agreeable, and they talked to Darcy about it. She was more than happy to help them, and helped them order clothes, accessories, and makeup online. Once those arrived, they made plans to go to a club, and that evening, Darcy came over and helped them both with their makeup.
She said to them, “Most people don’t use their real names when in goth attire. They’ll typically use a name that sounds gothic, something dark and brooding and mysterious. ‘Darcy’ just doesn’t cut it when I’m trying to be goth. It’s way too cute. Instead, I go by Drucilla. Adam and Savannah aren’t goth names, either, so you should think of something else to call yourselves.”
“I know exactly what I want to be called – Venus,” said Savannah. “As in Venus de Milo.”
“I love it!” Darcy replied. “It’s perfect!”
“I do, too!” said Adam. “I think I’ll go by ‘Sting’. The lead singer for The Police used that as his stage name.”
“That’s a good name, too,” said Darcy, approvingly.
All three were planning to drink that night, so they took an Uber to the club, and Adam left his gun at home. They were enjoying their first round of drinks and listening to the music, with Adam and Savannah trying to take it all in and get acclimated.
A goth girl came up to their table and said to Darcy, “Hey, Drucilla. I haven’t seen you in a while. Who are your friends?”
“This is my brother Sting and his fiancée Venus. This is their first time. Guys, this is Rhiannon.” Everyone greeted each other.
Then Rhiannon said, “Venus, what happened to your arms?”
Savannah was wearing a sleeveless top where her shoulder scars were visible. She figured goths could handle the truth, or at least a dark, mysterious version of the truth. “I had them cropped. I didn’t want them anymore,” she said.
“For real?” Rhiannon asked. Savannah nodded. “That’s… intense! It’s so eff’ed up!” the goth girl said with a smile. “Your shoulders are so round and smooth, and the scars are just… perfect. Can you move them?”
“My shoulders? Sure,” replied Savannah as she wiggled her shoulders around.
“Do you mind if I touch them?” Rhiannon asked.
“I guess not. Knock yourself out. Just be gentle around the scars.”
Rhiannon put a hand on each shoulder and felt around. “Now move them around again,” she requested. Savannah complied. “That is so cool!” exclaimed Rhiannon, clearly enjoying the experience.
“I know, right?” Savannah said as she smiled.
Suddenly, Rhiannon saw a guy she knew. “Hey, Odin! Come check this out!”
Odin sauntered over. “This girl had her arms removed because she didn’t want them anymore. Have you ever seen anything so necro?”
“Holy shit!” exclaimed Odin. “Über goth!” He then pretended to bow down and worship Savannah. “We are not worthy! We are not worthy!” This attracted the attention of others nearby who wanted to see what the fuss was about.
Savannah was a bit self-conscious but clearly loved the attention. This was exactly why she wanted to come to a place like this. It was refreshing to be around people who could appreciate what she’d had done to herself and didn’t ask a lot of probing questions.
Emboldened by the reaction she received at the goth club, Savannah decided that she wanted to have her shoulders tattooed. On her right shoulder, she had the phrase Armless, not Harmless inked on, and on her left shoulder, the phrase Arms are Overrated. Savannah was very pleased with how the tats turned out, and she also consistently received favorable responses from others who saw them.
Adam and Savannah became semi-regulars at the goth club, and they very quickly became well-known there. They then bought appropriate clothing and accessories and began also attending various kink and fetish events, where they received a similar reception.
Neither of them were especially into goth, kink, or fetish cultures themselves, but they found that people who were into alternate lifestyles were the most non-judgmental and accepting people out there. They both enjoyed going where Savannah was respected and not treated as a monster or a subject of pity.