Her brain kept insisting that either her perfectly healthy arms had to go or it would instead. A young woman shares her dark secret with the only person she knows who might understand, and, bypassing the legitimate medical community, finally gets what she needs to be truly happy.
Warning: Some people may find this story to be disturbing, and so it is intended for mature audiences only. If you are 18+, read at your own discretion. This is a fictional account of a young woman with a condition called body integrity dysphoria (BID), which is very real. People who have BID typically have an overwhelming, irrational need to be physically disabled in some specific way, a desire which began in childhood and has only become more intense over time. The desired disability is frequently, but not always, the amputation of one or more limbs.
Becoming Venus, Part 2 consists of the following chapters:
Chapter 3 – Blind Date
Savannah arrived at the restaurant early, wanting to be already seated when Adam arrived. However, their table wasn’t ready yet, and so she had to wait in the lobby. Adam also arrived early, but after Savannah. As he entered the restaurant, he immediately saw and recognized her.
“Savannah! What are you doing here?” Adam said, so surprised to see her that her red dress and red hair bow didn’t even register in his brain.
“Waiting for a date,” she replied, smiling.
“Yeah, me too,” Adam said in response. Only then did he realize what she was wearing. “Wait! You’re my date, aren’t you?”
“Bingo,” she confirmed, still smiling.
Adam was now completely flustered and embarrassed, which Savannah found to be cute. “I was so surprised to see you, I didn’t even notice your red dress,” he stammered. “I can’t believe I didn’t see it and realize its significance; I’m trained to notice details that others miss. You’ve managed to completely throw me for a loop!”
“It’s okay, Adam,” said Savannah, now laughing. “I think it’s funny! I wanted to surprise you, and clearly I succeeded.” She patted the empty spot next to her. “Have a seat; our table’s not ready yet.”
“So you want to be an amputee? I had no idea,” Adam remarked.
“Nor did I have any idea you wanted to be with an amputee,” replied Savannah. “But let’s not talk about that tonight. We already know we’re probably compatible in that way, but that by itself can’t be the basis for anything. Instead, let’s see how else we might be compatible.”
Savannah wanted to make her best impression on Adam, and she knew if they started talking about BID or amputations, she’d embarrass herself by becoming overly emotional in the best case, and in the worst case she’d come across as a raving lunatic determined to cause self-harm. Besides, she didn’t want to talk about it in public where they could be overheard.
The hostess called out the name used for the reservation and announced their table was ready. Savannah and Adam followed her to their table and were seated, then looked over the menu and discussed their choices. Then they resumed their conversation.
“We already know each other well,” observed Adam. “I think we’re pretty compatible; don’t you?”
“We know each other as friends and we’re compatible as friends, yes, but the reason we’re here is to explore whether we have the potential to be more than friends,” Savannah pointed out. “Assuming you’re still willing to do that, now that you know who I am,” she added with a smile.
“Yes, I’m very willing to do that,” Adam replied. “So how do you suggest we proceed?”
“I’m not sure,” Savannah admitted. “I guess maybe we take turns discussing our must-haves and deal-breakers for potential romantic partners.”
At that point, the waiter made his appearance and took their drink orders and announced the specials. Both Savannah and Adam already knew what they wanted to order for dinner, and so he took those orders as well and departed.
“I’ll go first, I guess,” Adam said, picking up where they left off. “A girl I’m romantically involved with has to make me proud. Pretty and poised enough that I’m proud to be seen with her.”
“Okay, that makes sense,” said Savannah. “I assume I make the grade, since you haven’t walked out or asked me to put a bag over my head.” They both laughed. “My man needs to make me feel safe and secure. Safe in the sense that I know he’d never hurt me, but also that he’ll protect me from any threat.”
“You know what I do for a living, right?” asked Adam. He was a police officer.
“Yes I do, and I couldn’t feel safer,” replied Savannah.
“This is too easy,” said Adam. “We’re both playing it safe and saying things we know the other person has or does. I propose we limit our must-haves and deal-breakers to things we don’t know if the other person meets. Therefore, I’ll go a little bit out on a limb and say this: My girl must like to touch and be touched. Not just sex, if it gets to that point, but hugging, kissing, hand-holding, you name it. If she doesn’t want to snuggle and kiss, it’s going to feel like she’s rejecting me.”
“No worries; I like snuggling and kissing,” Savannah replied. “Okay, here’s one… I need a man who is manly. What I mean is that he can’t put me on a pedestal or always defer to me. I don’t want to be the one calling the shots. When we go out to dinner or do something together, it can’t always be my choice. I mean, I want him to take my preferences into consideration, but not to the exclusion of his own preferences. I don’t want to be the one who always decides or dictates. Do you follow what I’m trying to say?”
Adam replied, “So for example, if you’re really into rom-coms, you don’t want him to always let you watch them when you’re together even though they’re not his thing. If he’d rather watch the ball game, he should be assertive enough to say so, and then you work it out together. Sometimes, you want him to even insist on doing what he wants, like if there’s a big game on that he especially wants to see.”
“Yes, exactly,” agreed Savannah. “That’s an excellent example.”
“I’ll tell you up front that my natural inclination is to always defer to the girl’s wishes, but I completely understand what you’re saying,” Adam told her. “I can certainly work on that.”
The rest of their dinner continued like that. Each of the must-haves they mentioned, either the other person was already that way or doing whatever it was, or it wasn’t a big deal for them to make a concerted effort to do so. Neither of them had any of the deal breakers that the other mentioned. They lingered after dinner much longer than they probably should have; finally, Adam picked up on the dirty looks their waiter was giving them and realized the problem. He paid the bill and they walked out together.
They’d driven separately, so this would be where they’d say goodnight unless one of them suggested something. Before Adam could come up with a plan, Savannah said to him, “Would you like to come over to my place and we can continue this conversation there?”
“Yes, I’d like that very much,” Adam replied.
Once there, Savannah offered him a beer or a glass of wine, but Adam declined. “I never have a drop if I know I’m going to be driving afterwards. As a cop, I don’t ever want my blood alcohol to be above 0.0 if I’m driving. Even if it were well below the legal limit, it would still look bad and maybe make the local news. I do drink at home or if I have a designated driver or something, but that’s it. Thanks anyway.” Savannah respected that, and offered him a decaf coffee instead, which he accepted.
Once she made that and brought it to him, she sat down on the sofa next to him. Then she said, “I thought maybe we could watch a rom-com together,” as she smiled.
“To be honest, I’d rather watch the ball game,” Adam replied with his own smile, understanding her joke and playing along. There was no ball game that he knew of. In reality, neither of them really wanted to watch anything; they both just wanted to continue to talk, and they did.
At the conclusion of the evening, Savannah walked Adam to the door, and said to him, “I really enjoyed getting to know you better tonight, Adam. Thanks for being a good sport about going on a blind date with someone you already knew, and thank you for a lovely dinner.”
“The pleasure was all mine,” Adam said in reply. “It was a fun surprise to discover you were my secret admirer. After everything we’ve talked about this evening, I think we have some real potential together. I’ll be in touch soon.” They both moved in for a goodnight kiss, which was closed-mouthed and brief but still had an element of passion to it. They both simultaneously said goodnight and Adam left.
Each of them recalled the events of the evening and couldn’t help but smile. Both thought their date had gone remarkably well. Adam in particular, couldn’t help but be amazed that the mystery girl was his good friend Savannah, and that she apparently really wanted to be a voluntary amputee like his Aunt Bryana. It seemed that the gods might be smiling on him.
The next morning, Adam sent a two-word text to his big sister Jazmyn: Call me. He wanted to speak to her, but with nine children to care for, he couldn’t expect her to pick up whenever he felt like calling. Jazmyn saw the text and wondered about Adam’s date with Savannah. As terse as the text was, she got the impression it didn’t go well, or he was upset with her (Jazmyn), or both.
A couple of hours later, Jazmyn had a few minutes to talk and she called him.
Adam: Hi, Jazzie.
Jazmyn: Hi, Adam. How did it go?
Adam: I was floored when I found out my date was with Savannah. When I first saw her, I thought she was waiting for a date of her own. It never occurred to me that it would be her.
Jazmyn: (laughing) Okay, but how did it go?
Adam: Amazingly well. We really hit it off. However, she was willing to talk about anything but amputations, so what can you tell me about that?
Jazmyn: I suppose there’s no harm in telling you what she told me. She didn’t say any of it was confidential. I’m convinced she has BID – body integrity dysphoria, which she was born predisposed to and was triggered by being around Mama Bryana as an impressionable child. Google it and read up on it. She has this deep, longing desire to also be an amputee and be cared for a by a loving husband just like Mama. Not all four limbs, though; just her arms. From what I know about BID, there’s no cure for it, and she’ll never be at peace until her arms are gone.
Jazmyn: She’s spoken to both Mama and me about it. We both told her she needs to practice living without use of her arms and hands by at least keeping them behind her back and preferably binding them, so she can understand what she’d be experiencing permanently before actually having it done. We also both told her she needs to already be in a committed relationship with someone who is willing to care for her for the rest of her life before having it done. That got her asking about whether you or Brock would want to do that like Dad’s done for Mama. Brock was a hard ‘no’, and you know what happened after that.
Adam: Thanks. That’s very helpful information. Do you think she’s mentally ill? I need to know what I’m getting into with her.
Jazmyn: Not any more than Ian is mentally ill because he’s gay. In other words, no. Her brain has become hardwired to tell her she’s supposed to be armless, but once she is, she’ll be fine.
Adam: Okay, thanks. Thanks for everything, Jazmyn. I really appreciate it. Bye.
Jazmyn: Bye, Adam. Good luck!
Next, Adam talked to his sister Cara, who at one time was best friends with Savannah.
Cara: Hey, Adam, what’s up?
Adam: Hey, Cara. I went out on a blind date last night. Well, it was blind for me but not her. I didn’t know who she was ahead of time, but she definitely knew she was going out with me.
Cara: That’s interesting. Anyone I know?
Adam: Actually, yes; that’s why I called you. It was Savannah. Did you know anything about this?
Cara: Savannah?! No, she didn’t breathe a word to me. Now you’ve got me very curious about this. I’m going to have to talk to that girl. So, how did it go?
Adam: It went very well, actually. I think the two of us might have some potential together.
Cara: Well, I’m glad to hear that. I’m happy for both of you.
Adam: So, I was wondering if there’s anything I should know about her. Any red flags or dark secrets or anything?
Cara: No, nothing like that, at least as far as I know. We haven’t been as close since we went away to different colleges. Why do you ask? Did you get a weird vibe from her or something?
Adam: It’s not something I’m ready to talk about. I’m just trying to cover my bases, that’s all.
Cara: So who set this date up for you? Maybe they know something.
Adam: I don’t think I should talk about that, either, but I’ve already spoken to that person. Well, if you learn anything along those lines about her, will you please pass it on?
Cara: Yeah… Assuming she doesn’t swear me to secrecy about whatever it is.
Adam: Well, if she does, I hope you’ll use good judgement about whether it’s something that I absolutely need to know anyway.
Cara: Of course, brother. If she starts telling me that she’s become a black widow who devours her sexual partners and makes me promise not to tell you, I’ll break that promise, don’t worry.
Adam: Thanks, Cara. One more thing. Please don’t tell her I was asking these strange questions about her, okay? Talk to you later.
Cara was very curious about Adam and Savannah’s date, partly because she’d been left out of the loop about it, and partly due to the questions Adam was asking and his unwillingness to answer some of her questions. She needed to talk to Savannah. Adam asked her to not tell Savannah about the questions he was asking, but he didn’t say anything about not talking to her about the date. She texted her friend.
Cara: How is it that my bff and my fav bro go on a date and I only hear about it after the fact?
Savannah: Lol. Sry. Wasn’t tryna keep it a secret from u
Cara: Well u did n my feelings r hurt. Lol
Cara: U can make it up 2 me by telling all
Savannah: Lol. Not much 2 tell. Went 2 dinner, talked all evening, enjoyed getting 2 no him better
Savannah: I assume u talked 2 Adam. What did he say?
Cara: He said the date went vry well and the 2 of u have potential together
Savannah: Well that’s good. I think we do 2
Cara was frustrated that Savannah didn’t give her anything to work with to either answer Adam’s vague questions or provide any context for him asking them in the first place. They were both keeping something juicy from her.
Chapter 4 – Compatible
Adam and Savannah began to see each other regularly, but she continued to refuse to talk about amputations with him. When he pressed her about it, she told him, “We are not going to make that the basis for a relationship and then find out you’re a square peg and I’m a round hole, so to speak, and try to force something that’s destined to fail. I first need to know we’re compatible in every important way and make that the basis for a great long-term relationship, and only then will we discuss the taboo subject. This is non-negotiable. Sorry.”
So they both put ‘the taboo subject’ on the back burner and focused on what any dating couple does – spending time together, getting to know each other better, and continually evaluating whether it’s going well, still has potential if adjustments are made, or is hopeless. Over the next few months, they mostly stayed in the first category, only occasionally dipping into the second. But they each made the necessary adjustments when called for and returned to ‘going well’.
Savannah had always been more attracted to people like Brock – outgoing, natural leader types, especially if they were muscular and athletic as well. But she came to appreciate Adam’s strong, silent personality as well. Not that he was silent, but rather more reserved. While he didn’t have the flashy exterior that his brother had, she found his quiet, serious demeanor comforting in a different way. She know he was rock-solid reliable and safe, in a good way. He was skilled at deescalating volatile situations, which was a very desirable attribute for a cop, but also for a romantic partner and potential life partner.
Their relationship transitioned into a physical one without any significant issues, but Savannah refused to allow Adam to spend the night, or to spend the night with him. This wasn’t due to any moral convictions on her part, but rather because alone in bed at night was her private time when she could release her emotions without an audience and without judgement.
Savannah’s roommate slept with a white noise generator and was unaware that she cried herself to sleep every night. She woke up and cried every morning while her roommate was in the shower. Savannah’s crying was out of despondence that her arms were still attached to her body. She’d been doing that for over three years now, at first occasionally, but now nightly without fail. No one knew about it, and she wasn’t ready to admit it to Adam, either.
But Adam was starting to make an issue about not spending the night, especially because she wouldn’t give him a straight answer as to why she didn’t want him to. Finally, he’d had enough of her evasiveness and called her out on it.
“Savannah, what’s bugging me a whole lot more than you not letting me stay the night is that you won’t tell me why. If this relationship is going to have a future, we’re going to have to be transparent with each other, and transparency isn’t what I’m getting from you about this. We’re going to have to trust each other enough that we can be transparent, and I’m not sensing that you trust me. Frankly, that hurts.
“I’m still giving you a pass about the taboo subject, but if we’re ever going to get to the point where you’re willing to talk about that, we’re going to have to get past this first. I need you to talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”
“Adam, I promise it’s nothing personal, and the last thing I want to do is hurt you. I’d love for you to spend the night; I really would.”
“So what’s stopping you?”
Savannah let out a long sigh. “It’s all intertwined with the taboo subject. If you stay over, you’ll know what I do at night, and when you see it you’ll be even more hurt than you are now, and I’ll tell you it’s nothing personal, but you won’t believe me, and the only way I’ll be able to get you to believe me is to tell you about the taboo subject.
Adam asked, “Why can’t we just talk about the taboo subject and get this all out in the open? Before you said you wanted to know that we were compatible and for us to be in a solid relationship first. Are we not there yet? If we’re not, what’s it going to take to get there?”
“Please be patient with me, Adam. This is very hard for me,” Savannah replied.
“All right. I’m sorry,” he said, much more calmly. “What can we do to move forward in our relationship? It seems like we’re stuck right now. That is, assuming you want to move forward.”
“Yes, I want to move forward,” she agreed. Savannah was silent for a minute as she thought about it.
“The reason why I haven’t let you stay over is because I cry myself to sleep every night,” she admitted, avoiding making eye contact with Adam. “When I’m left alone with my thoughts without any distractions, I can’t help thinking about the taboo subject and it always makes me cry.
“If we’d just made love and I started doing that, you’d assume the two were related; that I was crying about something you did wrong or failed to do. You’d be all, ‘What’s wrong, baby? What did I do?’ and I wouldn’t be able to convince you it had nothing to do with you.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere! Thank you for explaining that; it’s very helpful to know,” Adam replied. “I can work with that. See, if I know in advance that you’re going to cry and it has nothing to do with me, then I can be okay with it. I mean, I still won’t like that you’re crying, but I won’t take it personally. I won’t try to fix something I have no control over. I can just hold you and comfort you and help you get through it, if you’ll let me.”
Savannah looked up at Adam and resumed eye contact. It hadn’t occurred to her that he could actually be useful if he were there when she was crying about her arms, even if he didn’t know all the details. “I’d like that,” she said.
She began letting Adam spend the night, and as expected, she’d cry herself to sleep as he held her close and soothingly told her that he was there for her and everything would be okay. Same thing when she woke up in the morning and cried. To her pleasant surprise, she found his presence and tenderness and patience with her to be soothing; somehow things didn’t seem as hopeless when he was there with her. And because he was that way, she found herself falling deeply in love with him, more than she ever thought possible.
With this realization, it didn’t take long for Savannah to express her desire that they live together full time. That was going to be complicated, though, because they each shared an apartment with a roommate, their leases expired at different times, and neither of them were near the end of their lease. In Adam’s case, though, his roommate was his brother Brock. Brock had moved in with Adam after he’d gotten out of the Navy more for convenience than anything else, but he was ready to have his own space.
A couple of months later, Savannah’s roommate solved their problem for them; she’d taken a job in another city and they were both able to get out of the lease because of that. Adam and Brock were able to negotiate with their landlord to let them out of their two-bedroom apartment lease if they’d instead each sign a new lease on a one-bedroom apartment. So Adam and Savannah moved in together and Brock got his own place right around the corner.
Once the dust had settled from their respective moves and they’d worked out all of the little adjustments necessary when two independent people begin sharing living space, they settled into a routine. But as Savannah became increasingly comfortable living with Adam, she also became increasingly anxious about her arms. About still having them.
Savannah wasn’t aware of why this was happening, but her unconscious mind realized that now that she was living with Adam, it was safe to stop suppressing her desire to be amputee any more, at least around him; that being open with him about it would move her closer to actually achieving what she so badly wanted. The problem was that her conscious mind was still trying to avoid talking to Adam about it or otherwise giving him any more inkling about what she was going through than he already had.
This conflict between her conscious and unconscious parts of her mind was causing her to increasingly obsess about removing her arms. Thoughts of this were no longer limiting themselves to when her mind was otherwise not busy; they were intruding on her conscious thoughts. She’d find herself becoming increasingly distracted by thoughts of how much she hated having arms and how badly she wanted them gone. She wondered if her students or her coworkers or Adam noticed how increasingly preoccupied she was. He surely noticed she was crying harder and longer late at night and early in the morning.
One day driving home from work, she couldn’t keep it bottled up any longer. She began openly crying with these intrusive thoughts that she had to do something to get rid of them ASAP. The fact that she was having such thoughts and couldn’t control them upset her even further. She could barely drive, she was so upset.
Once she reached home, she debated about whether to stay in the car or go inside. Adam was working the day shift that quarter and was already home. She sat in the car for several minutes but realized anybody could see her and might try to find out what was wrong and how they could help. Letting Adam see her this way was preferable to letting her neighbors see her.
Savannah quickly went from her car to the apartment, trying to stifle her crying so as not to attract attention. She got in the front door and couldn’t hold it any longer. She let loose with a loud wail of despair and uncontrollable sobbing.
Adam came running, trying to imagine what terrible thing had happened to cause her to be so upset. Getting fired? Being betrayed by someone she trusted? Learning that someone close to her had just died? He wrapped his arms around her and held her tight. “Savannah, what’s wrong?” he asked with genuine concern. “What happened? Talk to me!” But she didn’t reply; she was too distraught to be able to talk. Adam just continued to hold her and tried to get her to calm down.
Finally, Savannah was able to choke out the words, “Adam, this is a really bad one!”
“A bad what, baby?” he asked, still clueless as to what was going on.
“A bad wave!” she replied through her tears. “I just want them gone so bad I can’t stand it!”
Adam had read up enough on BID to know what a wave was. The need to be an amputee ebbed and flowed, increasing and decreasing in intensity over time. When the intensity was very high, it was called a wave. Now that she explained what was wrong, he was better able to try to comfort her.
“It’ll be okay, baby,” he said as continued to hold her and as she continued to sob. “I’m here for you. You’ll get through this. We’ll figure something out.” But his efforts to calm her didn’t seem to be working very well. Eventually, after quite a while, it seemed, she cried herself out. She was still very upset and emotional but there were no more tears to be shed, not then, anyway.
Chapter 5 – Confessions
After Savannah had calmed down sufficiently to talk, Adam said to her, “I think it’s long overdue that you tell me all about your BID. I need to know what’s really going on in that head of yours. I need you to tell me how you came to want your limbs amputated, what you think you want to do about it, and assuming you go through with it, what you’re expecting once they are. Don’t hold back. Tell me everything, please.”
Savannah looked apprehensively at Adam and took a deep breath. “Okay,” she said. “You’ve waited long enough. I owe you that much.
“Ever since we were kids, I’ve had this fascination with your Aunt Bryana. Her missing limbs, her contentedness with her situation, the way everyone in your family willingly took care of her without even a hint of resentment, the whole nine yards. As I got older, I began to envy her and think more and more about what it would be like to be that way myself. I wasn’t sure I wanted to be that disabled, though, where I couldn’t even move without help.
“Then your sister Jazmyn lost her legs from the tornado, and I thought a lot about her, too. I saw that she was still able to do most everything having arms but no legs, but being legless didn’t really appeal to me.”
“Then one day, I saw photos of the Venus de Milo statue; you know, the one where her arms are broken off and missing. Well, her left arm is broken off at the shoulder, like Aunt Bryana’s, but her right arm is broken off just above the elbow. I stared at those photos for hours. That stump really bothered me; I wanted to travel to Paris and personally remove the rest of her right arm. I wanted both of her arms to be completely gone. And then I realized that that’s what I wanted for myself, too.
Savannah began crying again, but she continued. “This has evolved to the point where it’s become almost an obsession. Maybe it is an obsession now. I need to be armless more than anything in the world. I’m utterly miserable having arms. I know I should’ve been born without them.
“The thing is, I don’t want to be helpless. I don’t really want to be disabled at all, because I know how hard that would be. But if I have to choose between being armless and disabled or being intact and able-bodied, I know what the choice must be, and I accept that.
“I know other people will have to open doors for me because I can’t, feed me because I can’t feed myself, dress and undress me, apply my makeup, and everything else I won’t be able to do anymore. If I can’t do those things, I know I want a kind, loving man to do them for me, but also a family that will as well. Just like your family.
“Once they’re gone, I want to go out in public and show off my empty shoulders. I’ll be incredibly proud of the way I look without arms. I know people will stare and make rude remarks, but I think I’ll be energized by that, not discouraged. It’ll mean they’ve noticed me. It’ll remind me that I’m truly armless like I’ve always wanted to be.”
Savannah began crying even harder, and Adam put his arm around her and tried to comfort her. “I know I sound completely crazy. I sound crazy to myself. For a long time I tried to push these thoughts out of my head, and they’d go away for a while, but they kept coming back. Usually I can stifle them for a while, but today I can’t even do that.
“Anyway, a while back I decided that I needed to talk to your Aunt Bryana about this, so at the class reunion, I got her phone number from Cara and I went and saw her. It was a helpful conversation, but she told me I really needed to talk to Jazmyn, so I did. Jazmyn knew a lot about what I was going through and I felt like she really understood me.
“Jazmyn told me she believed I have a condition called BID, which stands for ‘body integrity dysphoria’. I’d never heard of it, but I researched it, and I’m convinced she’s right. I seem to be a textbook case. Do you know anything about BID?”
Adam replied, “Jazmyn also told me she thought you had BID, so I looked it up and got up to speed on it.”
“Good,” Savannah replied. “Since there’s a name for what I have, I’m obviously not the only one in the world with it, and in a way that’s comforting to know. But there’s no known cure, no treatment that even lessens the symptoms for very long. It’s not a psychological disorder; it’s a neurological disorder – it’s a physical abnormality in the brain that causes this. It seems that I’ll be tormented by this for the rest of my life unless I go through with having my arms removed.”
At this, Savannah began sobbing and collapsed into Adam’s arms. Adam just held her tight and let her cry. He couldn’t think of anything helpful to say, and he sensed that Savannah didn’t want suggestions anyway. Eventually she calmed down enough that she could again speak.
“I know my life will be incredibly challenging and frustrating without arms, but I also know that’ll be vastly preferable to what I’m going through now.
“The problem is, there’s no easy way to get voluntary amputations. It’s highly illegal and unethical for a doctor to do it. Of course, insurance isn’t going to pay for it. Some people resort to taking drastic measures such as putting the limb they don’t want across a railroad track in front of an oncoming train, or plunging it into a barrel of dry ice and keeping it there until they get frostbite so bad the limb dies and has to be amputated.
“You can imagine how dangerous and risky those kinds of measures are. People have died trying to remove their own limbs, or end up doing a lot more damage than they intended. Or they’re unsuccessful and deemed a danger to themselves and committed to a mental institution.
“Any doctor who removed healthy limbs would certainly have his medical license revoked and his career ended, and would very likely be convicted and sentenced to prison. So any doctor willing to do it has probably already had his license revoked and is working in some back alley in a facility that’s completely inadequate, especially if anything went wrong. Such doctors don’t instill confidence that they’re competent and many of them aren’t. Again, very risky.
“Your Aunt Bryana found a surgeon in Thailand who did her amputations in a real surgical center, and he did an excellent job. It was still illegal as hell even there, but they have lax enforcement and officials who can be bribed to look the other way. But that was extremely expensive, both for the surgery and recovery, and for the travel involved.
“I don’t have anything remotely near what it would cost, and there’s no way you can get a loan for something like this. I’d never get my family to understand what I’m going through even if I tried, let alone getting them to pay for it. You can’t just create a GoFundMe page for it, either, without announcing to the world that you’re crazy and are trying to cause grievous harm to yourself.
“So I’m at a loss as to how I could even get my arms removed, Adam! I don’t know what I’m going to do!” Savannah began sobbing uncontrollably again as Adam held her close. Again, after a while, she calmed down.
“Now I want to hear your story, Adam,” she said. “How you came to realize you wanted to care for a disabled wife and what you think that might look like.”
“Well, like you, I was influenced by Aunt Bryana, but even more so by my dad. She was completely helpless and dependent on mostly him for everything. I never in all my years ever once saw him express any frustration or resentment toward her or about having to do so much for her. He never did so much as let out a sigh or roll his eyes. He always treated her as if she were the most important person in the world, as if it were a high honor to be responsible for her care and well-being, and you can see the love he has for her in his eyes every time he looks at her.
“You have to understand how much he has to do for her. If he’s around, he’s always the one who takes her to the bathroom. She uses a bidet at home, but if she’s somewhere else, he has to wipe her ass. He bathes her, feeds her, brushes her teeth, dresses her, applies her makeup, fixes her hair, makes sure she has everything she needs and is comfortable, and on and on. He’s not the only one who does those things for her, but he’s always the one who does them if he’s available. He’s been doing that for well over thirty years now, and he’ll continue to do it for as long as she’s alive and he’s physically able.
Tears were running down Adam’s face now. “I’ve always had nothing but the utmost respect for my dad for stepping up to that responsibility in the loving way that he has. When I learned that she’d had her limbs removed voluntarily after they were married and with his full support, my respect for him grew even more. He wasn’t doing this because he had to. He’d signed up to do all of this for her, well before the scalpel ever touched her skin, so that she could have the life she wanted.
“Growing up with him as a role model, it should come as no surprise that I wanted to be like that, too. As I matured, I was able to better develop and articulate that desire. I wanted to have a wife that I loved so much that I’d gladly sign up to care for her for the rest of her life. That evolved to where I didn’t want to just be willing to do to that; I wanted to actually do it. That meant I’d have to find a wife who was disabled to the degree that she needed me to do that for her.
“You have to understand that I don’t fetishize disabled women, nor do I relish the idea of wiping someone’s ass. I just have the burning desire to care for the woman I love that completely, that’s all.”
“That’s beautiful, Adam,” remarked Savannah, tears running down her own cheeks. “Do you get the sense that you and I were meant for each other? I do. We’re yin and yang. We complement each other perfectly!”
“We really do,” Adam replied. “And the thing with yin and yang is, while they’re opposites, neither can survive without the other. I’m beginning to think we’re the same way.
“I’ve been thinking about what I read about BID and what you said earlier. Apparently there has to be a predisposition towards it that you’re born with, but there also has to be, or at least there usually is, a triggering event as well, typically occurring in childhood. I agree it’s highly likely that your triggering event was being around Aunt Bryana as much as you were.
“That means my family is probably at least partially responsible for you having BID. That being the case, perhaps we should bear the burden to help you resolve it. I’m talking about paying for you to get the amputations you need. Notice that I said ‘need’, not ‘want’. I think you do need them for the sake of your own sanity. I can’t make any promises, of course, but I can talk to them and see how they feel about it.
“I just have one question. It’s likely to come up when I talk to my family, and I want to be prepared with an answer. If you hate having arms and hands so much, why do you continue to use them? Why don’t you let them hang limp at your sides, or keep them behind your back?”
“That’s a fair question,” agreed Savannah. “The best answer I can give is that I’ve always had arms and hands and it’s only natural to use them just like I always have. It’s instinctive to use them. I would have to consciously think to not use them, or be prevented from using them somehow. Besides, I don’t hate using them; they’re actually very useful. I just hate having them in the first place. I’m sorry; I know that didn’t make much sense.”
“I think I understand,” replied Adam. “You don’t want them, but as long as you do have them, you’ll make use of them because it’s easier and natural to do so. Right?”
“Right,” she confirmed.
“Okay, I’ll talk to my family and see what they say.”
Then Adam said, “In the meantime, though, I read that pretending to not have the unwanted body part can be soothing to people with BID; it’s a way of coping with the craving to have it amputated. It seems like you could use some soothing right now. How about if I help you pretend, to help you get through the wave?”
“What did you have in mind?” Savannah asked.
“Wait here,” he told her. He went back to the bedroom and returned a minute later smiling and holding up his department-issued handcuffs. “Why don’t you wear these behind your back for a while and see if they help any? I think they might. You won’t be able to see or use your arms or hands.”
“I’m going to need a lot of help,” she replied. “There’s not a lot I can do without my arms and hands. That’s why I’ve never pretended much before.”
“Before, you didn’t have me living with you to help you,” Adam pointed out. “Besides, if you get them removed, this is going to be our reality, so it wouldn’t hurt either of us any to start getting an idea what it’s going to be like. I promise I’ll take them off as soon as you say to.”
“Okay, good point,” she conceded. “Let me go use the bathroom and change clothes, and then I’ll give it a try.”
After she’d done that, Savannah stood in front of Adam, facing away, and put her wrists together behind her back. He attached the cuffs and said to her, “Let me know if they’re too tight or you want out of them. I suggest if you’re sitting, that you bend your elbows more to position your hands so they’re at the small of your back.”
“Okay, thanks, Adam,” she said. She took a deep breath and tried to calm down. She looked down at herself and couldn’t see any of her arms below her shoulders. She tried moving her arms in front of her, and of course couldn’t. She was stuck this way until Adam released her. She walked around the apartment, trying to get used to them, and stopped in the bathroom to see herself in the mirror. She could still feel them, of course, but the visual effect and the inability to use them were already helping.
The rest of that day, Adam did everything for Savannah that she couldn’t do for herself. He made dinner for them that evening and he fed her the meal. When her phone dinged, he brought up the texts she received so she could read them and typed in and sent the responses that she dictated to him. He helped her in the bathroom when she had to go again. That night, they made love with Savannah’s arms still cuffed behind her back. Both Adam and Savannah found the entire experience to be deeply satisfying.