Her brain kept insisting that either her perfectly healthy arms had to go or it would instead. A young woman shares her dark secret with the only person she knows who might understand, and, bypassing the legitimate medical community, finally gets what she needs to be truly happy.
Warning: Some people may find this story to be disturbing, and so it is intended for mature audiences only. If you are 18+, read at your own discretion. This is a fictional account of a young woman with a condition called body integrity dysphoria (BID), which is very real. People who have BID typically have an overwhelming, irrational need to be physically disabled in some specific way, a desire which began in childhood and has only become more intense over time. The desired disability is frequently, but not always, the amputation of one or more limbs.
Becoming Venus is the fifth in a series featuring the Farris family and limbs missing for various reasons. Excluding the heroine, most characters in this story continue from some or all of the previous four, which in order are Limbless and Pregnant, Deeply Submissive, Truncated yet Tenacious, and But God Pursued Her. But you don’t have to have read any of those stories before enjoying this one. I’ve written this one in a way that catches you up if you’re not familiar with them.
If you enjoy this story and haven’t read the preceding four, I hope you’ll go back and read those as well.
Go to Limbless and Pregnant, Part 1
Go to Deeply Submissive, Part 1
Go to Truncated yet Tenacious, Part 1
Go to But God Pursued Her, Part 1
Becoming Venus, Part 1 consists of the following chapters:
Chapter 1 – Musing
Savannah Ewing couldn’t get Mrs. Farris out of her head. She never could, ever since she first met her when she was a child, but now she thought about her constantly, even though she hadn’t seen her in years.
Savannah had been classmates with the Farris quadruplets – Adam, Brock, Cara, and Darcy – and nearly always sat close to one or more of them in her classes where students were assigned seats in alphabetical order. As a result, she’d become good friends with all of them, especially Cara and Darcy, and was a regular visitor to the Farris home. Brock had taken her to senior prom, though they’d never dated otherwise.
The quadruplets were all quite different from each other, in appearance as well as in personality and other traits. Adam was quiet and reserved and a keen observer of all that was going on around him. Brock was outgoing, athletic, and a natural leader. Cara was compassionate; she was always looking for ways to help or encourage others. Darcy was also athletic, but she was serious – intense, even – about things she cared about.
But it was Mrs. Farris – Bryana Farris, that is – who truly fascinated her. She was the quadruplets’ biological mother and was married to their father Cody, but they all called her ‘Aunt Bryana’. On the other hand, Bryana’s identical twin sister Alyssa, their biological aunt, had legally adopted them and they called her ‘Mom’. Alyssa had also changed her last name to Farris despite not being married. It was confusing and weird but cute. The quadruplets also had eight older siblings, a set of triplets who were the oldest, and a set of quintuplets in between. All of them lived together – Bryana, Cody, Alyssa, and their twelve kids – in a huge, custom-built house. Or at least they did, before the kids grew up and had all moved out.
What most fascinated Savannah about Bryana Farris was that she was a quadruple amputee. No, that term really didn’t do her condition justice. She was almost completely limbless, just a head, neck, and torso. She had no arms at all, not even stumps, and almost no legs. How she’d gotten that way had always been a mystery. It was obvious she wasn’t born that way, because she had faint scars that indicated her limbs had been surgically removed, but she would never explain why, even when asked directly by her own kids. They had no idea how or why her limbs had been removed. All anyone knew is that it had happened before any of her twelve kids were born, Bryana didn’t seem to mind being that way, and her family, especially her husband Cody, didn’t mind having to care for her.
Since Savannah had first met the Farris family, however, there were now more family members with missing limbs. When Savannah and the quads were 13, their oldest sister Jazmyn had lost her legs when a store roof had collapsed on them during a tornado. Jazmyn’s oldest daughter Valeria was born without legs, and the quads’ second-oldest brother Kaden had adopted a girl named Josie who had also been born without legs. That added up to ten missing limbs among four people in just one family. Jazmyn and her husband Victor also had a very positive attitude about her amputations, and the two young girls had obviously been taught to not let their missing legs stop them from doing anything they set their mind to.
Savannah never gave much thought to Mrs. Farris’ missing legs, nor the missing legs of the other family members. In that regard, they really weren’t much different than anyone else who was seated. It was Mrs. Farris’ lack of arms that Savannah found spellbinding. Her shoulders were so round and smooth; if it weren’t for the faint scars, it would look like she was designed to not have arms.
Mrs. Farris could only eat if someone fed her, and Savannah had volunteered to do that on numerous occasions. She had to hold a stylus in her mouth to use a phone if she couldn’t get it to do what she wanted using voice commands. She needed others to scratch an itch or hold a tissue to her face when she needed to blow her nose. Savannah tried not to stare at her, but was sure everyone noticed her doing it.
Over the years, this fascination with Mrs. Farris’ missing arms gradually changed to Savannah imagining what it would be like if her own arms were missing. She’d sometimes pretend she didn’t have arms and would push something along the floor with her foot instead of picking it up, or would pick it up using her two feet, or would carry an object between her chin and shoulder, or she’d try to use her phone using her nose or tongue instead of her fingers. Usually, though, she’d get frustrated doing these things and give up quickly.
Despite that, Savannah found herself wishing she could be armless. She imagined becoming proficient using her feet, and using devices and tech that could help her function, and others feeding her and opening doors for her and helping her blow her nose and all the things for her that she would no longer be able to do herself. She wanted the same beautiful empty shoulders that Mrs. Farris had.
By the time Savannah reached her late teens, envy had morphed into preoccupation, and preoccupation had morphed into something bordering on obsession. Savannah hated that she’d been born with arms and hands. She wished she’d never had them in the first place; in fact, she felt she never should have had them in the first place. But since she did, she wanted them gone more than anything in the world.
Savannah was otherwise a normal young woman, healthy both physically and mentally. She’d gravitated to playing soccer as a child (a sport where you didn’t use your hands!) and found that she both enjoyed it and excelled at it. She’d played at the varsity level all four years of high school and had accepted a full scholarship to play soccer at a state university several hours away from home. There she majored in education and minored in math.
During her four years at college, Savannah and the Farris quads had lost touch with each other. She was so busy between classes and homework and practices and games and social activities that she didn’t have much time to think much about Mrs. Farris or being armless. Those thoughts would creep into her conscious mind occasionally, but she was more free from them than she’d been since she was a child.
She’d graduated, found a teaching job back in her hometown, and had spent the past year teaching middle school math and coaching the school’s girls’ soccer team. That team had long been considered the ‘easy win’ by the other teams in its conference, and was downright awful at the beginning of the season. But Savannah saw that their shortcomings were due mostly to ineffective coaching, not a lack of athletic ability or desire to succeed on the part of the girls. She could work with that, and the team managed to win three games toward the end of the season, which greatly improved the girls’ morale and showed Savannah she was on the right track.
Savannah had intentionally not reconnected with the Farris family when she returned from college. She thought maybe she could keep the thoughts about being armless away if she avoided seeing them. But she wasn’t nearly as busy as a teacher and coach as she’d been as a student athlete, and now the thoughts about needing to be armless returned to her conscious mind anytime it wasn’t distracted thinking about something else.
It made no sense at all. In fact, it was downright crazy. Savannah was rational enough to realize that. She’d tried in vain to suppress these thoughts, to push them out of her brain, but it was no use. She never breathed a word to anyone about what was constantly on her mind, nor did she ever dare to even do an online search about it. She lived in fear of anyone learning of her desire, and so didn’t want there to be any digital record that any of this had ever crossed her mind. She knew no one else could possibly understand, and she knew they’d think she was certifiably insane. They would certainly have her committed to mental institution. Maybe she was indeed crazy.
Savannah didn’t particularly want to be disabled. She just wanted to not have any arms, but there was no getting around that that only came bundled with disability. She wanted to also have a husband who would lovingly care for her, as Cody Farris did for Bryana, and ideally also an extended family that would do likewise. A family like the Farrises, she thought. Then she took that line of thinking to its logical next step. A husband like Brock.
More and more, she thought about Bryana, the Farris family, and Brock. She considered the secrecy surrounding Bryana’s amputations. If she’d lost them due to some injury or illness, wouldn’t she be open about that? Wouldn’t it be common knowledge? Besides, what injury or illness would completely take both arms and almost all of both legs without affecting any other part of her body? After all, she’d seen Mrs. Farris in a bathing suit plenty of times since the family had an in-ground swimming pool. There had to be some other reason.
Mrs. Farris seemed perfectly content to be limbless. Mr. Farris seemed perfectly content to care for her. The two were obviously very much in love with each other and very devoted to each other, even after over 30 years of marriage with her being completely helpless nearly the entire time.
It occurred to Savannah that just maybe they were so secretive about Mrs. Farris’ amputations because she – no, they – had chosen to have them done. Mr. Farris would have had to have been in on it. Maybe Mrs. Farris was just like Savannah and had wanted to be an amputee. If the amputations were by choice, that would also explain the very neat, barely visible scars. A plastic surgeon had to have been the one to close up the wounds. Savannah didn’t think amputations due to injury or illness would be nearly as neatly done.
If that were the case, of course they could never admit the real reason for the amputations to anyone except people they trusted to keep their secret. Of course they could never tell their kids the real reason, at least as long as they were kids, anyway. But they weren’t kids any more. Their youngest, the quadruplets, were now 23 years old, as was she. She wondered if they knew yet.
Savannah also wondered if Brock was anything like his father. Would he want a wife who couldn’t even blow her own nose? Would he want to step up to a lifetime commitment to care for someone who could do so little?
Her five year high school reunion was coming up, and the quads were in her graduating class. That gave Savannah a good reason to make contact with them and a natural way to reconnect with them. She texted Cara and Darcy and asked if they and their brothers would be attending the reunion, and they replied that all four of them planned to be there.
At the reunion, Savannah made a point of spending time with each of the Farris siblings and catching up with them. She learned that their older sister Jazmyn, the one who’d lost her legs in the tornado, had had sextuplets a couple of years prior, and now had a total of nine children. Their older brother Kaden now had five children, and Jazmyn, Kaden, their spouses, and their kids, were now all living in the big house that had once been their parents’. Their three parents were now living in the house that had previously been Jazmyn’s and her husband’s before they had the sextuplets.
Savannah told Cara that she wanted to visit her Aunt Bryana sometime, and asked for her phone number. Cara texted it to her, and a few days later, Savannah called Mrs. Farris and asked if she could come visit her. Bryana was delighted to hear from Savannah and they arranged a date and time for Savannah to come to the Farris’ home and visit.
When that day came, they spent a good hour where Savannah brought Bryana up-to-date with her life, and Bryana told her about her other eight children whom she hadn’t seen at the reunion. Then Savannah got to the real purpose for her visit.
“Mrs. Farris, I’m going to be completely candid with you about something that’s been on my mind for quite some time now. I know you’ve always been mum about the reason for your limb amputations, even with your own kids, and I respect that that’s your prerogative. However, I’ve come to the conclusion that you must’ve had them removed voluntarily.” Savannah paused, but Bryana said nothing in reply nor gave any indication whether Savannah was correct or incorrect.
Savannah continued. “I know it’s none of my business, but the reason I bring it up is that, well, I very badly want to have limbs amputated, too. My arms, specifically. You’re the first person I’ve ever shared that with, and you’re the only person I know who I don’t think would judge me or try to have me committed. I don’t even know what to do with this desire, but I figured if anyone could help me figure it out, it’s you.”
Savannah stopped talking and just looked at Bryana, waiting for her to respond in some way. After several seconds, Bryana replied. “Savannah, first I want to say that it’s very brave of you to share that with me. I know how hard it must’ve been for you to do that. In order for me to help you, though, I need to know the entire story. Why don’t you start at the beginning, and tell me how you got to this point?”
Savannah looked very uncomfortable upon hearing Bryana’s request and hesitated. But then she took a deep breath, and said “All right.” She paused again to collect her thoughts, and her wits, and then began.
“I guess it began when I first met you all those years ago,” she said. “I was fascinated by your missing limbs, by how smooth and round your shoulders were, by how otherwise normal and happy you were, by how you interacted with your family, and by how they always took care of you without a hint of resentment. For a long time, that’s as far as it went – just a fascination.
“But gradually, I began to realize how much I wanted that for myself. I wanted to be armless. I wanted to be cared for by a loving husband and family, just like you. Over time, even that went from being just a want to being a desperate, gnawing, unfulfilled need. Now I can’t stop thinking about it. And so here I am, not knowing what to do about it.”
“Are you currently in a relationship with anyone, Savannah?” Bryana asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Well, first things first,” said Bryana. “You can’t very well get your arms removed without already having a loving partner who’s completely on board with what you’re doing and committed to helping you and caring for you for the rest of your life, because there’s a lot that you won’t be able to do yourself.”
“How am I going to find someone like that, though?” Savannah asked. “I can’t exactly put that on a dating app profile. ‘Looking for a man who’s okay with me getting my arms removed and providing care for the rest of my life.’ Imagine the sickos who’d reply to that! Come to think of it, how did you find someone like that, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Bryana said nothing and just looked at Savannah for a good fifteen seconds. Then she said, “Savannah, what I’m about to tell you must be kept in the strictest confidence. I’ve never told this to anyone except some of my closest family members and my doctors. You must never share this with anyone outside of my immediate family without my prior permission. Do you understand?” Savannah agreed.
“Cody and I met at that coffee shop that he managed for all those years. We were both baristas. We discovered we were both into bondage and began exploring that together. Over time I realized I could trust him with my life and also developed a strong desire to be in bondage 24/7/365.”
“There’s no way to actually do that the way I wanted, with my arms and legs completely immobilized. Then I got the idea that by having them removed, I could essentially accomplish the same thing. I discussed it with Cody, and it turned out he wanted the same thing – for me, that is, and he was willing to commit to being my caretaker for the rest of my life. And so we got married and I found a highly recommended surgeon in Thailand who would do what I wanted, completely illegally of course.”
“It must’ve been very expensive,” observed Savannah. “How did you pay for all that on just coffee shop wages?”
“We didn’t, of course,” replied Bryana, laughing. “My sister and I each received a rather large inheritance when we turned 25. It was more than enough to pay for the travel and surgery and to build that big house we had.”
“So bondage was your gateway drug to voluntary limb removal, in a way.”
Bryana laughed again. “Yes, I suppose it was,” she said.
Savannah frowned. “I’ve never thought about bondage before,” she admitted. “I don’t see the appeal.”
“You need to think about it if you’re thinking about having multiple limbs removed,” replied Bryana. “You’ll certainly want to experience living as an amputee as best as you can before actually doing anything permanent. If you want to have just your arms removed, you’ll first want to experience trying to do things with your arms bound behind your back and your hands unusable because they’re wrapped in something. I’m not talking about for an hour or two, I mean repeatedly for extended periods of time.
“Also, you don’t think your husband or partner is going to care for you 24/7 just out of the goodness of his heart, do you? He’s going to want sex, and you’re not going to be able to physically stop him. You’ll need to have an understanding with him about that, of course. Bondage is kind of the same way, except it’s not permanent. Once you’re restrained, you’re at your partner’s mercy. If you’re not okay with him doing whatever he wants, or don’t trust him to stick to what you’ve agreed to in advance or to respect your boundaries when you tell him to stop, then you don’t want to be bound in the first place. And if you don’t want to be bound, you’re not going to want to be an amputee.
“My suggestion before you get too serious about limb removal is to try out bondage. If you don’t like being immobilized or at least being restrained, you’re probably not going to like being an amputee, either. That’s before a partner or sex is even part of the equation. Once you have a partner, you’ll want to be in bondage with him around to better understand how you’re both going to deal with it.
“You’d do well to talk to Jazmyn about this, too. She can tell you a lot more about bondage and BDSM than I can, as well as give you her perspective about being a double amputee rather than a quadruple.”
“But Jazmyn didn’t want to be an amputee, did she? She lost her legs in an accident,” said Savannah, confused.
“Talk to her,” replied Bryana. “She has her own story to tell. I don’t share her story without her permission, just like she doesn’t share mine.”
“Okay, I will,” replied Savannah. “But getting back to my question… How do you suggest I find a man who’d be on board with this and isn’t a scary weirdo?”
Bryana replied, “In the amputee fetish world, you’re what’s called a ‘wannabe’, meaning that you want to be an amputee. You’re in need of what’s called a ‘devotee’, meaning someone who’s attracted to amputees and is or wants to be devoted to caring for an amputee. If you bypass getting into bondage first, you’re going to go directly to finding a devotee. I’m sure there are some nice, sincere, loving devotees out there, but I also bet they’re outnumbered by the weirdos.
“The problem is that a weirdo might be able to fool you into thinking that he’s a sincere, loving type. You proceed with the amputations and then find out you’re now helpless and completely dependent on a sadist or worse.
“That’s why I still think you need to get into bondage first. You don’t have to be sexually aroused by being bound, but you need to experience it to get an inkling of what it’s going to be like to be an amputee. Also, while there are also sickos in the bondage community, if you end up with one, you can get out of the relationship without having done anything permanent to yourself.”
All of this talk about bondage and sex and devotee fetishists had Savannah’s head swimming. She’d never thought of limb amputations in a sexual context. Then she remembered Internet Rule 34: If it exists or can be imagined, there is porn of it. She figured there had to be a corollary IRL rule: If it exists, people are having sex with it, or at least trying to. Apparently ‘it’ included amputees.
Chapter 2 – Scheming
At Bryana’s insistence, Savannah arranged to meet with Jazmyn to see what she had to say about bondage and voluntary amputations. Savannah still didn’t understand what Jazmyn could contribute to her understanding of either, since she’d become an amputee due to an unforeseeable accident, but she figured there was only one way to find out.
When they got together, Savannah told Jazmyn, “I recently met with your Aunt Bryana and told her I wanted to be an amputee, too, and asked her for advice. I told her that I’d figured out she’d voluntarily had her limbs removed, and she admitted that I was right about that. She gave me lots of good information. She strongly encouraged me to look into bondage first, before making any decisions about amputations. Then she told me I should also talk to you, without explaining why. I know your amputations were due to an accident, not voluntary, so I’m kind of confused why she thought you could help me.”
“Okay…” said Jazmyn in response. “Maybe you should first catch me up about why you want to be an amputee and how you came to realize that.”
“Well, as you know, I’m good friends with the quadruplets and I’ve spent a lot of time at your parents’ house. This house actually, but back when it belonged to your parents. I was always fascinated with your Aunt Bryana’s amputations and how she and everyone else acted like it was completely normal. I was intrigued by how beautiful her empty shoulders were, and how everyone treated her with dignity and pitched in to care for her.
“More recently, I’ve thought a lot about Aunt Bryana. I came to the conclusion that her amputations had to have been voluntary, and I’ve realized that I want to be like that – an amputee with a loving family and especially a devoted husband. But it’s become more than just a want; it’s become a desperate longing to be that way. An obsession, almost.
“So, I’m now trying to figure this all out – how I could get voluntary amputations for myself; how I could find a husband who’d be up for caring for me like your father does for Bryana, and all of that. Like I said, I’m not sure how you can help me, but Bryana seems to think that you can, so here I am.”
“I’m sure Mama Bryana told you that she met my dad, discovered they were both into bondage, and they got into a serious relationship before either of them thought about having her limbs cropped, right?”
“Cropped… I like that term!” exclaimed Savannah. “It makes it sound more like a cosmetic procedure and less like mutilation. Anyway, yes, she explained that to me.”
Then Jazmyn said, “What I’m about to tell you is in the strictest confidence. You are not to breathe a word of this to anyone else, with the exceptions of Victor and Mama Bryana. Okay?” Savannah agreed. Apparently the Farris family had more secrets than she realized.
“The same thing happened to me,” Jazmyn told her. “I first got into bondage and then met Victor on a bondage dating app. Only after we were in a committed relationship did we start talking about limb removal in any kind of serious way. Actually, Victor brought it up first, but I’d certainly thought about it quite a bit, too.”
“But I thought your amputations were necessary due to your injuries from the tornado,” replied Savannah, confused.
“They were. But before that happened, Victor and I agreed that we both wanted me to be legless. Unlike Mama Bryana, though, I couldn’t bring myself to have them removed voluntarily. I’m not judging her, or you, or anyone else, but I just knew it was wrong to have my own perfectly healthy legs removed, and so I never went through with it. I wanted to be legless but I just couldn’t consent to have them taken off.
“Then the tornado did it for me. I concluded that God wanted me this way, or was at least willing to give me what I deeply desired, even though I’d never prayed for it. If you don’t believe in God, you could say it was fate or destiny. I was obviously meant to be legless, whether I took matters into my own hands or not. Because Victor and I actually wanted me to be that way, we were completely fine with what had happened, and it spared me from feeling guilty about doing something I felt was wrong.”
“Wow. I had no idea,” remarked Savannah.
“Anyway, my point in telling you all of that is that Mama Bryana and I went through the process in the same order – bondage, committed relationship, mutual agreement with our partners to our get limbs cropped, and only then having them removed.
“You’re coming at it from the other direction. You’re wanting the amputations and a husband to care for you, but you don’t even have a boyfriend and you haven’t experienced bondage. That being the case, I’m not sure how much I’m going to be able to help you in figuring this all out.”
“I understand,” replied Savannah.
“Now let me ask you something, and it’s rather personal,” Jazmyn then said. “Do you feel any kind of sexual arousal at the thought of having your limbs gone?”
“No,” Savannah responded. “It’s not a sexual thing. It’s just something that I feel strongly I need to do. I don’t know how else to explain it.”
“Have you thought about what sex would be like without limbs, and is that a turn-on?”
“Not really. It seems like it would be more satisfying,” Savannah replied, “but mostly because I’d be more content in the first place, I think. But where are you going with these questions?”
“I’m just trying to understand you, that’s all,” said Jazmyn. “To me, sex had a lot to do with my desire to be legless. That was probably due to getting into bondage first, and that was very sexually arousing for me; so much so that I got to where I couldn’t climax unless I were bound. The amputations almost were like being in permanent bondage.”
“You and Bryana both keep talking about bondage and sex in relation to wanting to be amputees, but I just can’t relate to any of that,” replied Savannah.
“It sounds like maybe you have BID, then,” suggested Jazmyn.
“BID? What’s that?” asked Savannah.
“It stands for body integrity dysphoria. Sometimes the term is used interchangeably with BIID, which means body integrity identity disorder. The way I understand it, the two are similar but not quite the same.” Savannah looked confused, so Jazmyn continued. “Do you know what gender dysphoria is?” she asked. Savannah still looked confused and indicated that she did not.
“Gender dysphoria is the underlying mental state that causes people to be transgendered. Such people know deep down that they’re males trapped in female bodies or vice-versa. They desperately want their physical bodies to match their mental gender identity, and go to great lengths to make it happen as much as possible.
“Body integrity dysphoria is kind of the same idea. The person has a deep-seated feeling they can’t shake that they’re supposed to be disabled in some specific way and are trapped in an intact body. The disability might be an amputation or paralysis or blindness or any number of other various things. People with this condition will sometimes take matters into their own hands to make that disability a reality. It’s very dangerous to do that, of course, and can result in the person inadvertently causing much more damage to themselves than they intended or even ending their own lives.
“So, please, and I can’t stress this enough, if you’re having thoughts of trying to amputate your own limbs, don’t! There are safe ways to make that happen. Mama Bryana had her limbs removed by a competent surgeon in a legitimate surgical center. It’s illegal and expensive, but it can be done.”
“You said this is called body integrity what, now?”
“Body integrity dysphoria. There’s controversy over whether it should be a recognized mental disorder, but there’s no question that it’s a real thing. From what I know, there are no known drugs or therapy that can make it go away or even lessen its intensity, and so the only options are for a person to just live with it without doing anything to resolve the conflict, find a way to make the disability a reality, or, as a compromise, do something that’s not permanent to lessen the conflict.
“For example, instead of amputating one’s legs, using a wheelchair as if they didn’t have legs, or instead of blinding one’s self, going around wearing a blindfold or glasses that completely block one’s sight, or even just doing roleplaying.”
“Maybe I do have BID, then,” agreed Savannah. “I guess it’s nice to know there’s a term for it, but it doesn’t really change anything knowing that, does it?”
“Is there a specific limb or limbs you want to have amputated?” Jazmyn asked. “From what I’ve seen, people with BID always seem to know exactly which body part or parts they want removed or rendered useless.”
“Yes, I definitely want to have both arms completely removed like your Aunt Bryana. I don’t want any stumps left at all.”
“I strongly encourage you to learn as much as you can about BID, BIID, and anything else similar. You should try pretending you don’t have any arms or hands and try going about your life without using them, just to see if this really something you’d want to live with. I’d suggest keeping them behind your back, so they’re out of sight and out of the way. If that goes well, you could then bind your arms so that you can’t use them, but when you get to that point, we should talk again. Bondage can be dangerous if you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“I do that some now,” Savannah replied, “but it’s really hard to do much of anything without my hands. Plus, I can only do it in my bedroom or when my roommate isn’t home.”
“That’s the life you’re going to have if you have your arms removed, so you better be okay with it,” Jazmyn told her. “You won’t be able to do much of anything anymore.”
Jazmyn elaborated. “My eldest daughter has a friend who was born without arms, and you’d be amazed at what she can do without help. She uses her feet like hands; she can eat with them, brush her teeth with them, brush her hair with them, and a whole lot of other things. Her leg, foot, and toe muscles and tendons and joints are extremely adapted to do that, but that’s because she’s been using them that way her entire life, since she was an infant.
“I would think as an adult, you might not develop that level of dexterity in your lower limbs no matter how much you try. If it’s even possible at all, I’m sure it would be extremely difficult. I could be wrong about that; you’d need to ask a professional to be sure.”
“That’s why I know I’ll need someone to take care of me,” Savannah replied. “Do you have any idea how I could find a guy who’d want a girl with no arms? I mean a decent, caring guy, not a sicko.”
“Not offhand, no,” replied Jazmyn.
“What about your brothers? Do you think any of them would want to follow in your father’s footsteps and have an amputee wife?”
“I honestly don’t know. It’s not a subject that’s ever come up. You’ll have to ask them yourself.”
“I don’t know how I could possibly do that without sounding like a crazy lady,” said Savannah. “May I impose on you to ask them on my behalf without telling them who I am? You can tell them about me as long as you don’t give them enough info that they could figure out who I am.”
“I suppose I could do that,” replied Jazmyn.
“Thank you so much, Jazmyn. Your Aunt Bryana was right; you’ve been a tremendous help.”
Savannah decided that there was no good reason to continue to keep from having a digital record of her interest in becoming an amputee. If she really wanted to pursue this, she’d need to get educated about it. Over the next week or so, she read everything she could find about BID, BIID, apotemnophilia, somatoparaphrenia, xenomelia, and related conditions.
The more she read, the more she realized that she indeed had BID, and that there was no effective treatment for it. It would seem that she was born with a predisposition towards being this way, but was actually likely triggered by her repeated interaction with Bryana Farris at an impressionable age.
If she couldn’t be satisfied with pretending to be an amputee, which she already knew she couldn’t, the only apparent way she’d find peace would be to actually proceed with the desired amputations. It seemed that her fate could already be sealed. It might well be inevitable that she’d someday be completely armless, or would die trying. This realization hit her like a ton of bricks. It was thrilling and terrifying at the same time.
Through this research, Savannah developed an appreciation for what transgendered people experience. She’d never understood why a man would want to be a woman, or vice versa, badly enough to subject themselves to hormone treatment, surgery, rejection, ridicule, prejudice, and discrimination. Now, it all made sense.
In her research, Savannah also learned about acrotomophilia, which is the condition of being sexually attracted to amputees. Any guy who’d be interested in her might well have this. In moderation, there’s nothing wrong with it, she realized, but if taken to the extreme, it could be downright creepy, perverted, or worse.
In her online searches, Savannah also found tons of images of amputees. She refined her search to show images of armless women to see what would come up. The vast majority were photos of able-bodied women that had been manipulated to have their arms digitally removed. Many were drawings or AI-created images. A few were photos of people who were really missing their arms in real life. Regardless, though, she found the better-quality and tasteful (fully clothed) images, at least, to be intriguing. Armless girls were so beautiful, so hot even! Oh, how she needed to look like that!
Meanwhile, Jazmyn kept her word and spoke individually with her two unattached brothers. Ian and Kaden were both married; Quentin and Trevor were both in long-term relationships; but neither Adam nor Brock were currently seeing anyone. They were both Savannah’s age and the two she knew best.
Jazmyn told both of them the same thing; she’d been in touch with a young woman who knew their family and who expressed her desire to have at least some of her limbs amputated as their aunt and birth mother Bryana had done. This woman wanted to know if any of her brothers might have any interest in being in a relationship with an amputee. Neither of the brothers thought this to be especially odd, as they knew Jazmyn was very well connected in the local amputee community.
Brock told Jazmyn in reply, “Nothing personal, Jazzie, but I’m not interested in an amputee girl. I have the utmost respect for Dad and how he’s devoted his life to caring for Aunt Bryana. The same for how Victor’s always been completely committed to you, but that’s not the life I want for myself.
“I’ve come to the realization that I want a whole houseful of kids like we had growing up, and that’s why I got out of the Navy. I know a large, stable family isn’t compatible with being away on sea duty for months at a time. And again, no offense intended; you’ve done an admirable job of raising a whole mess of kids as a double amputee. In my case, though, I want an able-bodied wife so that we can both give as much attention as possible to raising our family together.
“I need to get off my ass and put myself out there to try to find someone like that; I’ve just been really busy getting established in my career and it hasn’t been a high priority. Anyway, I wish your friend the best, but she’s not for me. Sorry.”
Adam, however, had a completely different attitude, though he was very obviously uncomfortable talking about it. “I’ve never admitted this to anyone before, Jazzie, and it’s not easy to say even to you.” He paused as he gathered his thoughts and carefully chose his words. “I’ve always deeply admired Dad and his relationship with Aunt Bryana. He’s always been so selfless and completely devoted to her. That part’s easy to say, but this next part isn’t. I want to be in a relationship like that, too. I want a girl who needs me to be her caretaker as well as her lover.
“I haven’t figured out how to meet someone like that, though. Ever since I became a cop, I’ve had to get off of social media and dating apps, at least using my photo and real name. I don’t know any single disabled girls, and the type of disability matters, too. For example, I wouldn’t want a paralyzed girl because she wouldn’t be able to enjoy sex.
“Dad and Aunt Bryana, and you and Victor as well, each got into your relationships as two able-bodied people. It somehow seems wrong, maybe sick even, to be specifically looking for a disabled girl, and I’d think the girl might think so, too, if she got an inkling that that’s what I was doing. Plus, we’d probably both wonder if I loved her disability more than I loved her as a person.
“So yeah, if you know someone who wants to be an amputee, that might be the answer to my dilemma. I’m interested if you think we’d also be a good match otherwise.”
Jazmyn replied, “Well, yeah, I think the potential’s there, or I wouldn’t have told you about her. Obviously, the two of you will have to decide for yourselves whether you’re compatible. But if you’re cool with it, I’ll tell her you’re interested, and if she wants to proceed, I’ll either give her your contact info or I’ll give you hers. Okay?”
“Okay! Do it!” Adam responded enthusiastically. “I’m looking forward to meeting her.”
Jazmyn got back with Savannah and told her that Adam was very interested in meeting the girl who wanted to become an amputee.
“You didn’t tell him it was me, or give him any hints, did you?” Savannah asked.
“He doesn’t have the slightest clue,” replied Jazmyn. “I’m sure he assumes you’re someone he’s never met. So, do you want to proceed?”
“I’ll be honest… I was really hoping it would be Brock who was interested. We have a little bit of a history, with him taking me to the high school prom. I find his Type A personality more attractive than Adam’s Type B personality.”
“Brock made it clear he’s definitely not interested, again, without knowing who I was talking about.”
“Well, I guess I have nothing to lose going out with Adam, then. Who knows? Maybe we’ll really click.” Savannah thought for a minute, and then said, “Since we know each other already, but he doesn’t know that we do, it might be fun to set up a blind date. That way I’ll get to see the expression on his face when he realizes I’m the mystery girl.”
Savannah asked Jazmyn to pass on her suggestion that they go out to dinner on a blind date at a place of Adam’s choosing, and that she’d be wearing a red dress with a big red bow in her hair. Adam was agreeable and had Jazmyn convey back the place and time, the name the reservation was under, and what he’d be wearing.