It was an ordinary Saturday morning, and Amy was flipping through a magazine. In between all the articles and letters columns, she found an advertisement that caught her eye. Normally, she’d turn the page and move on, but this ad didn’t look like just a flat page of paper. There was an iridescence to the text, Mitosis Healthcare, it seemed to go back and forth between pink, blue and red, and it was virtually levitating off the page. This was not mere holo-foil, it was coated paper, as she could tell just by touching it. As if in response, more text seemed to appear. Join and claim at the same time, it said, followed by the blurbs $4.10 a week and no waiting periods, and a telephone number. Amy shrugged, picked up her phone and dialled the number. As she waited for someone to pick up the phone, more text appeared on the mysterious ad.
When prompted, please repeat the following phrase - “so I get general dental and urgent ambulance, plus my choice of two others?”
Before Amy could truly consider what that had to do with anything, a voice on the other end interrupted her train of thought.
“To continue, please repeat the phrase shown on your advertisement”.
Amy shrugged and parroted the phrase on the ad. As she did so, she removed her glasses and proceeded to clean them. She was mildly nearsighted, and whilst she could generally function fine without glasses, she still used them for reading, even if she was wearing contact lenses like today. However, as she polished the lenses, one of the arms that was standing upright inexplicably fell. Amy inspected the frames - the arm hung loosely and crookedly from the frame. Well, maybe this Mitosis thing will cover me, she thought. Little did she realise that Mitosis Healthcare was not your ordinary health insurance agency…
“Thank you for choosing Mitosis Healthcare. Please wait for the division spell to fully take effect.”
And with that, Amy felt a sensation of ice cold numbness running down her spine, like someone had dropped an Antarctic ice cube down the back of her shirt. Bizarrely, that feeling seemed to spread in a straight line, going between her legs, across her chest, until it reached her scalp and came full circle with the back of her neck. After the cold circle was completed, Amy heard a strange tearing noise, like a combination of velcro and paper, followed by a loud pop.
As Amy listened to the hold music, something felt off to her. The numbness seemed to have spread to the entire right side of her body, because she seemed to have lost all sensation in it. On top of that, she could hear a familiar voice, but only in her left ear.
Wow, what the hell happened? I can’t feel my left side…oh god, I didn’t have a stroke, did I?
Amy looked down and was in for an odd sight. The right side of her body wasn’t numb, it was missing. Her white shirt, grey jacket and black pants were all split down the middle. And yet, her clothes didn’t seem to obey the laws of gravity, because they stayed attached to her. Seated next to Amy was what she could only describe as her mirror image - same clothes, same wavy blonde hair, and wearing the exact same high-heeled shoe.
Excuse me, can you hear my thoughts? Left-Amy communicated to her right half. I believe I heard yours just now.
“Huh? Wait, who’s that?” Right-Amy asked, both internally and out loud. Wait, can I still talk? Right-Amy thought. Maybe…
Out of the corner of her eye, left-Amy could see her right half standing up and taking a few steps forward. It was a weird form of locomotion, like a smoother form of hopping that looked more like normal bipedal walking, except one leg was invisible. The fact that Amy was wearing high heels before splitting just fascinated the two halves more.
Wow…I just…this is weird, left-Amy could hear right-Amy thinking. Right-Amy then hopped over and picked up the now-useless glasses.
“Hey, do you think maybe I could go get new glasses while you’re busy on the phone? I reckon you’ll be done by the time I get to Spex4Less.”
Left-Amy was puzzled by this request. On the one hand, this new ability had many benefits, multitasking being the obvious one. On the other, going out in public whilst split in half might raise questions, or possibly scare people. But then, Amy lived in Melbourne, and had seen other weird people. However, their weirdness was limited primarily to dyed hair, odd clothes or strange makeup. Would a half-woman stand out even amongst them?
Before left-Amy could say anything, right-Amy grabbed her handbag.
“Thought it over, I think I’ll just go anyway. See you later!”
And with that, right-Amy opened the door and hopped out. The further she got, the more her internal thoughts seemed to fade from left-Amy’s head.
Amy wasn’t the only one witnessing strangeness - her cat, Smokey, was intensely focused on right-Amy as she exited, and mewed in confusion.
Left-Amy continued listening to the hold music before it stopped.
“Thank you for joining Mitosis Healthcare, which extras would you like?”, a pleasant voice on the other end inquired.
“What extras do you have?” left-Amy asked. Wow, this is just uncanny, she thought. How can I talk when half of my mouth is heading off to the optician’s? And what’s keeping my clothes on?
“There are so many to choose from - optical, physio, chiro, you name it. And it all works out at $4.10 a week.”
“Okay, and if I choose optical, can I get new glasses, like right now?” left-Amy asked. Well, technically, she wasn’t getting new glasses, but a part of her was. A part of her that left-Amy was praying wouldn’t dawdle or come home too late.
“You most certainly can! You don’t even need to send your whole self to pick up new glasses if you’ve already got a prescription.”
“Alright, that’s sorted out. Now, onto the important question - why have I suddenly been bisected upon joining this company?”
“Oh, that’s just our customer bonus. You’ll find it quite useful in certain situations”
As left-Amy tried to make sense of her predicament, her right half was already making tracks towards the lift. The doors were already halfway closing to the point where no ordinary person could fit through the diminishing opening, but right-Amy effortlessly managed, being considerably thinner than before. Whew! Not sure I’d want to take the stairs right now, she thought.
But she wasn’t alone - one of her neighbors, a young and tan Greek-Australian girl named Jodie, was standing in the lift, and she was taken aback by the sight of a half-woman. What passed was a minute of awkward silence, as Jodie tried to make sense of what was going on. She had taken the lift with Amy before, but now, only Amy’s right half was accompanying her. Jodie looked up and down at the smooth, flat flesh making up Amy’s left side, wondering how Amy could even function without a heart or her other vital organs. Amy turned and smiled at Jodie, and this prompted Jodie to quickly look in the opposite direction.
As soon as the lift reached the ground floor, Jodie quickly walked off. Maybe I should invite her over for tea sometime, right-Amy thought.
After exiting her flat, right-Amy took a short walk to Spex4Less, where she was greeted by a sales assistant in a black dress and a nametag that read “Sally”.
“Hi, can I help you?” Sally asked.
“Yeah, just some new glasses. I’ve already got a prescription.”
Sally was visibly confused by the casualness of a bisected woman in the shop, but did her best to remain professional.
“Just pick out some frames, and I’ll take them out back”
Right-Amy picked out a pair of cat’s eye glasses, and Sally unlocked the display cabinet. After the typical procedure, Sally came back with Amy’s new glasses.
“Um…is it okay if I help you put them on?” Sally asked. “I don’t want to sound condescending, it’s just…you know…you’ve only got one hand.”
“Oh, I appreciate the help.”
Right-Amy leaned forward as Sally slid the glasses upon her ear. But since the glasses were built for people who actually had a left half, they looked rather lopsided on her, even as she tried to adjust them. Sally couldn’t help but chuckle at her predicament, not that right-Amy didn’t see the humour in this situation.
After transactions were made and Amy’s health insurance was verified, right-Amy said goodbye to Sally and headed home.
As soon as right-Amy arrived home, the two halves of Amy sat down next to each other. It was somewhat awkward for them to line up, especially with the telepathic connection, but once they touched their mirrored halves together, there was a strange sensation of needles and pins in both of them, thoughts and memories flooding together until Amy was whole again.
Amy felt disoriented, as if she had woken up from an odd dream. Her memory seemed to go in a straight line up until recently, whereas the last half hour was a fork in the road…except she could vividly recall both paths before they intersected, simultaneously talking on the phone and making a trip to the optician’s. This was too much for Amy, and she quickly walked off to the bathroom to get an aspirin.
After downing the pill with a glass of water, she pulled out her new glasses and put them on. But before she could really say anything, she heard a voice that seemed to feed directly into her right ear.
Hey, not bad. I think it suits both of us.
Amy was puzzled. Is someone talking to me? She thought. Then another voice piped in, this time in her left ear.
I believe that was right-you just now.
Are…are you in my head? Amy asked. Is this a side effect of the split or something?
I believe that, once your two physical halves are connected, I exist as something of a super-ego, the leftmost voice said. I don’t have knowledge or experience that isn’t shared with you or right-Amy, so I could be wrong.
So whaz that make me? asked the rightmost voice. Normal ego?
No, I believe Amy’s dominant personality is ego, said the left voice. You appear to represent id.
Wait, dominant personality? Why can’t I drive? the right voice said, with disappointment.
There was a distinct difference in the two voices. Whilst Amy recognised both of them as her own, the left voice sounded more refined than her normal speaking voice, whilst the right voice was much more rural sounding, more like a stereotypical Aussie accent.
Amy was stunned. For the last few months, she had lived alone with her cat. Now she had two additional housemates, neither of whom were paying rent.