A brawl erupted at a football game at Wanstead Flats on Saturday sending eight young lads to hospital. The home team had argued that the visiting team was playing dirty ball, and when told to "put a sock in it," mayhem ensued. Charges are pending against several unlucky footballers who were too drunk to run when the authorities arrived.

An apparent abduction occurred at the home of Major Peter Taylor early Sunday morning while the Major was out of the home. When he returned home, Major Taylor discovered his home had not only been vandalized, but his wife of two years, Abigail, was missing. Graffiti on the walls of the home credited the crime to the Kink Support Network. It was later learned by a Telegraf reporter that Mrs. Taylor is a Regenerated lesbian slut. Major Taylor had no comment for reporters and, surprising, State Security has taken over the case. When asked if the KSN was actually responsible, the investigator in charge would not reply other than to say that was "hog-wash". It's well known that there is no Network operating in London.

Several cars along First Way, near Wembley Stadium, were broken into over the weekend. This is the fourth such incident in the Wembley area in the past three weeks. Motorists are cautioned to park in well lit areas, or in the Wembley Red Parking ramp west of the Stadium.