Today I went to Payless Shoe Store over on the avenue to buy a pair of boots before the upcoming cold snap. On the way I passed V.I.M., whose commercials are permanently burned into my brain due to the voice-overs of the late great Chuck Leonard. I started to go into V.I.M. first, but figured I'd better go into my original target first, then V.I.M. if I didn't find anything at Payless.

I walked into Payless and went into the men's aisle. Once I found what I wanted, I needed to be sure that the sale price I saw for the same style in another size applied across the board. The clerk who approached, a short and slightly chubby young woman, assured me that all winter boots should be on sale but scanned the pair I had to be sure and, yes, they were on sale.

I tried them on and they fit fine, though my sometimes-swollen feet make shoe-buying tricky. I tried a half-size larger, which fit just as well and decided to get those instead. As I was looking around to see if I wanted to buy another pair of shoes, I heard footsteps approaching. I looked up expecting to see the same young woman from before, but instead I found myself facing an impossibility…

Facing me was a shapely collection of women’s clothes but with no woman in them: a nicely-filled pink button-down shirt tucked into faded painted-on black jeans... but no visible wearer.

“Can I help you with anything, sir?” the apparently invisible woman asked.

“Um, I...” I started, staring at the label on the shirt collar.

“Those look great,” the voice said, with one apparently empty sleeve gesturing toward the boots in the open box next to me. “They don't even look that much like winter boots.”

“Yeah, I like them too,” I said, glancing down at the boots, then back up at the swell of the shirt's chest. "Um, can I ask you something?” I blurted out.

“Sure,” the voice replied, then jokingly added, “Just one thing, though.” I was taken aback that... “she” would agree to answer a question from a complete stranger when she had to have a pretty good idea what kind of question I would ask.

But a “pretty good idea” was better than what I had. I had all kinds of things swirling around in my head. “What are you?” No I can't ask that. “What happened to you?” That's kind of tacky. “Why can't I see you?” That's kind of straightforward, I guess...

But what actually came out was “Um, what's going on here?” If I'd heard those words coming from anyone else's mouth I'd have been shaking my head, but I just froze, waiting for her reaction.

“What's going on, sir,” the voice replied, “is I'm trying to help you with your choices.” With that, the outfit stooped, reaching for the box resting on the floor. The box floated a few inches away from the end of the shirt's sleeves as the outfit straightened and began moving toward the front of the store.

I followed, staring at the swaying denim butt as the outfit made its way toward the front of the store.

“Anything else you want to pick up while you're here?” the voice from the outfit asked, as it approached the front register.

"Flirting with cute customers again?" the visible woman asked with a chuckle.

"Stop," the voice from the outfit said, facing the other woman and drawing the word out. Then, to me, “Maybe some polish for your boots? We just got a nice selection of men's gloves, if you want to check them out.”

“Some black polish would be good, thanks,” I said, still a couple of steps away from the register. The outfit then turned its back to me and bent at the waist. presumably looking for shoe polish. I stared at the outfit’s beautiful round butt, as the other woman behind the counter said, “For some stupid reason someone put the polish on the top shelf.”  I hadn’t turned away from the denim butt but I became a little self-conscious just as I heard the other woman behind the counter giggle.

I glanced her way to see her looking right at me and fighting to keep from laughing. Meanwhile the invisible girl had started up a short step-ladder to get the shoe polish, and my eyes were once again fixed on her butt.

This time the other girl laughed out loud. “OMG, you’re staring at her butt so hard and not even trying to hide it.” I’m pretty brown as it is, so I don’t know what color I turned, but I could feel heat and pressure in my face as the visible girl laughed it up.

In the meantime the invisible girl had reached up to snag a jar of polish but it slipped out of her invisible hand, or something, and…

I saw the jar fall into her shirt collar and a second later I heard a thud as it landed. In her shoe. But that’s even more impossible than her being invisible, isn’t it? I mean, for that to happen… she’d have to be… intangible? Not solid?

I think that, for the second or so before the outfit came back down the ladder, I may have stared at that little jar, visible inside the shoe but mostly hidden by the jeans’ cuff, even harder than I had stared at the denim butt.

“Wow,” the other girl said. “Normally when guys get caught staring at her, they won’t even look back in her direction. What do you think now that you know there’s no actual butt in those jeans?”

“Hey,” the voice from the outfit said, as a sleeve moved and poked the girl’s shoulder with an invisible hand. “Maybe I should start giving away your secrets to complete strangers, Karla! What if I told him that--!”

“OK, OK,” Karla said, raising her hands in surrender. “I’m sorry. It’s just that… most guys are more subtle about staring, and then you went and dropped the polish… through yourself. I couldn’t help myself.”

Turning toward me, the outfit said, “You didn’t think you were getting a show when you came in here, did you?”

“No, I didn’t,” I admitted, looking at the tag in the empty shirt collar, “but I’m glad I came here first instead of going to VIM like I started to.”

“Good choice,” Karla chimed in. “VIM doesn’t have anyone quite like my co-worker here.” She punctuated “co-worker” by squeezing the shirt’s shoulder. I noticed that Karla didn’t seem to fish for a name she had forgotten, but went straight for “co-worker.” Strange…

The outfit rang my purchases up and I paid. The empty sleeve moved toward me, with my bag floating just past the end. I Intentionally reached for the far side of the handle and when I grabbed it, as I expected, there was no hand there. I tried to be nonchalant as I readjusted my grip but I’m sure it was noticed. Karla turned to the outfit. “Lock the door for me, since you’re closer,” she said.

The outfit came out from behind the counter. “Um, Sir?” the voice said. I stopped.

The outfit leaned close, placing an unseen hand on my arm, as a soft voice said, "Since you're… interested, maybe I'll tell you a little about me the next time you're in the store." The unseen hand on my arm was solid enough, but the shirt collar was empty…?

There was no doubt in my mind that I'd be back. Unfortunately I dragged my feet. Not long after this Payless announced it was going out of business. By the time I went back to the store, it had been turned over to liquidators. I never got to find out the story behind this shapely, flirty intangible cashier at the shoe store… at least, not in that store...