As the endless night wore on, and I grew more weary of the big delivery. I started to pull out some of my secret experimental toys, the ones I called my “Misfit Toys.” I never dared share these with anybody and for good reason–they were all simply terrible. I had no way of excusing or explaining away the horrible things they would do. Basically, I had made some fucked up shit. Let me give you some examples.

***

I had an idea to make some ugly Christmas sweaters after hearing that they had become a kitschy clothing choice for the holidays. I hated kitschy crap. So, I made sweaters that each contained a different transformation spell depending on the pattern on them.

For example, I gave one family three sweaters. Their youngest daughter got a sweater with a polar bear crocheted into it. Their next youngest, a son, got a sweater with a snowman on it. Their eldest daughter got a one with a reindeer on it.

They all put on their sweaters and gathered for a photo. Then, the changes began. The little sister grew larger as white fur covered her. Her older brother became pale and cold and started to reshape into three balls. Their older sister grew antlers and watched in horror as her hands became furry cloven hooves. Moments later, the three kids had been replaced by a terrified giant polar bear; a snowman with coal for eyes, sticks for arms, and a carrot for his nose; and a reindeer with antlers that seemed to knock over or get tangled in anything around her.

Their parents did their best to comfort their transformed children. First, though, they had to deal with their son, as he had begun to melt. They quickly shoved him outside into the cold. Thankfully it had been a white Christmas. He looked back into the house sadly, feeling woefully abandoned. Then, they had to deal with their youngest girl. They heard her enormous bear stomach growl and noticed that she was eying the family dog and licking her chops. In response to her hunger, their father ran out to buy as much meat as he could. Finally, there was their eldest, the reindeer. She managed to knock over the christmas tree, a shelf of family photos, the TV, and her own sports trophies, before she was sent outside to keep her snowman brother company and avoid any further destruction. Their polar bear sister followed a short while later after taking a swipe at the yapping family dog.

The three stood out in the cold and wondered when or if they would ever be human again. The snowman was particularly worried as he had heard that an unseasonable thaw was coming in the next few days. He wondered what would become of him if he melted. The thought chilled his already icy heart.

Poor kids, right? Don’t worry. The spells on the sweaters should wear off in at least a few days and at the most no more than a week… or two. Let’s just hope they find a fridge large enough to keep their son from melting.

***

I had invented a fun toy that was designed as a trap for nosy brothers and sisters.

I left the trap toy box under a tree addressed to Megan, a young girl. Her big brother, Bobby, was the nosy one. He woke up early and started poking around at their presents. Seeing that his sister had gotten one more present than him, he grew jealous and opened her gift from Santa. Inside her gift was an empty box meant for a doll.

Soon enough, the box was filled.

When Megan came downstairs later, she found one of her gifts had already been opened. It contained a new doll boy, which she took out of the box immediately and hugged.

“Where’s Bobby?” her mother asked.

“Did he come downstairs early again?” her father asked.

“He’s here,” Megan said, holding up her new doll. It did bear a striking resemblance to her brother.

“Where did that doll come from?” her mother asked her father. “Did you buy it?”

“I’ve never seen it before,” he said and checked the wrapping paper. “It says it’s from Santa, and the box says it’s a Bobby Doll, whatever that is.”

“Hey, there’s a string I can pull on its back,” Megan said and pulled the string.

When she let the string go, a warbly but cheerful voice came out of the doll that said, “Hello, my name is Bobby.” It sounded eerily similar to their own Bobby’s voice.

“See,” Megan said. “It’s Bobby.”

Megan pulled the string once more, and the doll said, “I love my sister, Megan.”

“That’s just a doll, honey,” her mother said. Then, she shouted, “Bobby, where are you?”

Megan pulled the string again, and the doll said, “I’m here, Mommy.”

Megan’s parents took a closer look at the doll. It did resemble their son closely although it was proportioned like a toddler as many dolls were.

Megan pulled the string. The doll said, “What happened to me?” It sounded less cheerful now.

Megan pulled the string. The doll said, “Why can’t I move?” Panic was evident in its voice.

Megan pulled the string. The doll said, “H-help me!” Its voice quivered with fear now.

Megan’s parents could only gape at the doll and then at each other.

Megan just kept pulling the string, over and over, but every time she pulled it now, the doll only said, “Help me! Help me! Help me!” again and again, until her parents made her stop.

***

I gave people gingerbread cookies that turned them into gingerbread people.

I gave people candy canes that made them grow older or younger or bigger or smaller. The effects were random.

I gave people movie players that trapped them in their favorite films.

I gave people shrink rays and growth rays and gender-swapping rays and rays that turned people into a variety of animals or fantasy creatures.

I gave people magic wands that did real magic.

I gave people Christmas wishes that always came true.

I gave people their dreams and nightmares tied up in a nice bow.

I gave them a Christmas they would never forget.

And, when I had given my last gift, I gave myself a vacation.

***

I found a pleasant beach on the Pacific Ocean where I could rest.

I let time run. I let the sun rise and felt the glory of daylight again after an eternity of night.

I covered my tracks, putting up barriers and wards to guard against Santa’s security, who would certainly be searching for me now.

I took some time to relax and breathe before the chaos I had seeded would grow into a world-wide panic.

I saw it all coming, and I smiled.

I stripped naked and swam in the ocean and then sunbathed my newly mature body.

I dreamed of a new future.

And, I knew there was no going back.

***

Now, let me close with a traditional holiday greeting: “A Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to You!”

Yours Truly,

Mary Christmas