The following is a selection of journal entries about a successful manifestation by an anonymous young woman with BIID.
March 1, 2018
I've been doing something called orgasm manifestation. The Law of Attraction...Neville Goddard...whatever you want to call it, through the power of intense orgasmic hallucination you can program your subconscious to help you achieve any desire. I chose a desire to visualize, and thus manifest during my orgasm: I want to be an amputee. Specifically, I don't want legs.
And not just any old mangled limbs dangling from my hips—I want them nice. No scars, my thick squishy but going all the way around.
Later
Wow! It was just amazing. I visualized it perfectly. In my mind, I imagined myself at the park walking down a path. Not walking...I was using my arms and shoulders to pick my body up and swing it between my arms, making about a foot’s distance each time. I could feel it too! I was wearing super short shorts, like bikini style. My stumps were jiggling in place and despite the orgasm I was in, the feeling of being an amputee in my mind made me come again!
If every night is like tonight, I might just be happy for the rest of my life visualizing being an amputee :)
March 15, 2018
I’ve been practicing orgasm manifestation for fifteen days now and my mindset has changed. I go through life now knowing that I will—somehow—be an amputee at some point. From what I read, I won’t even have to try that hard to do it. “Be open to the universe of possibility,” I would read.
Here are the things though, I have nothing to lose. If all else fails I’ve found a really good way to visualize being legless. And it’s real, let me tell you. I’ve begun navigating my dreams legless. A couple of times I’ve realized I am dreaming and I study the feelings. If I look closely at my stumps, I can see the peach fuzz on my almost non-existent thigh. I cannot feel my legs in my dream because they are just not there. I can only move what few glute muscles I have left. I feel like I truly know what it feels like to be without my legs.
Of course, there comes the downsides of being an amputee. Everything is much more difficult and tedious. I would need a wheelchair—often. But I’ve imagined it. I’ve come to terms with it. I don't need to pretend or buy a wheelchair in real life because I’ve come to terms with it in my mind.
March 20, 2018
Today I am “letting it go,” and living as if I have already achieved my goal. I know for certain that someday, somehow, I WILL be the amputee of my dreams.
Over two years later
June 22, 2020
One day I am driving and the next thing I know I am waking up in the hospital. I don't remember anything about the accident.
To say I had a bad day doesn't cover it. Apparently, I was on Main just minding my own business and I was sideswiped and my car spun three times in the middle of the street! Thank God I wasn’t seriously injured! The doctors say I should be out tomorrow after they get the x-rays back.
June 23, 2020
Well, I have to stay for longer. They x-rayed my legs because they got jostled pretty badly during the crash. I was complaining about my hip hurting when they rolled me in. It’s hurt before but not as bad as it did yesterday just after the accident!
On the x-rays, they found a cloudy shape near my hip joint and said they want to keep me in the hospital for at least two more nights. Just my luck I guess! Can’t wait to finally be out!
June 25, 2020
This—sucks...they did an MRI yesterday and the doctor came back. It may be a tumor. As soon as I told him I’ve had pain there for months before the accident he went pale. I tried to ask him what was wrong but he said he would get back, that he would need to study the scan results once more.
Later that night
So the doctor came back—and he said it may very well be cancer. The best thing to do is to perform exploratory surgery and determine the next steps to take. I asked him what the outcome might be and he said he wasn’t sure. It could be a benign cyst, or it could be worse. I didn’t ask him what worse meant. I was too scared. The surgery is scheduled for tomorrow morning.
June 26, 2020
This is my last entry before going into surgery. With any luck, there will be more entries past this point. Fingers crossed!
I am scared but I am also very thankful for my accident. Without it, I would have never found out about my leg! See you (universe) on the other side!
July 4, 2020
I made it—very tired. Thankful I am here.
July 10, 2020
I'm feeling a little better now. I finally have the energy to write for a bit.
...Umm...I had to go back in my journal and re-read my earlier entries, so many months ago. Not only was the tumor they found malignant, but they also found evidence of the same cancer in my other leg—in almost the same spot. To save my hips and the chance of metastasizing, they had to remove my legs at the hip.
I am an amputee. The amputee I always wanted to be. <3
I am numb. This isn’t as fun as I’d hoped it would be. Sleeping now.
August 1, 2020
I took a bit of a break from writing to let things kinda settle in.
They changed my bandages again today and I finally got the courage to look. Everythings a bit of a mangled purple mess, but I can already see my scars beginning to heal. It’s a real trip laying in my bed and having someone sit “next” to me where my legs used to be. I’ve been scared to even try to move anything down there. I wonder how things have changed. I can’t get the thought out of my mind that once things heal I will just be up walking around again. I can still feel my legs...floating in the air. What’s worst is the itching! I’ve got a lot to get used to.
August 10, 2020
My new physical therapist says I won't be able to use prosthetics because I don’t have enough bone to put them to good use. Instead of getting fitted, he gave me my first lesson in getting around.
...I completely forgot about my visualizations so long ago until today!
Everything came rushing back to me. I think I must have been floating in a cloud until that moment. I was starting to feel like my life was over, but I realized that I am now learning to walk using my arms, swinging my torso forward between them, exactly like I had imagined I would in my dreams and during my orgasm manifestations.
What the hell! I must have done this! How did it happen?
October 1, 2020
My scars are small and pink—you can hardly see them anymore! I know I’ve been saying it in almost every entry but I feel truly liberated. Every day that goes by I get closer and closer to who I’ve always wanted to be. I don't think much about the legs I once had and most of the time I find myself just truly thankful that the Universe helped me realize my deepest desire. At this point I can't even remember what it felt like to walk with two legs. What a marvelous and interesting feeling!
I'm getting better at hand-walking, and I'm even building some much-needed muscle to use my wheelchair!
It’s a bit chilly today, but I’ve got my shorts on—just like in my dreams. I’m going to the park. I'm goingr a walk. Wish me luck!