The feeling is weird. I wasn't...uncomfortable...in my body the way it was. I was really attractive actually! ...according to my friends and family. I just didn't see it. I felt like the giant bug in that man's skin in Men In Black. Nothing seemed to fit right and I could never feel completely happy because there was always that little bit in the back of my mind--that voice that would say, you'd be so much happier if you changed.

A few months went by where I was completely confused. Why did I feel like I should be that SWB girl in the album I found? What's special about her? There's honestly nothing even human about her. Hell, how would she stay alive without room for the organs she requires? I must be going insane because I knew it was in-feasible to have a body like that. But I had to do something.

I joined a group on Reddit called r/transbody. It's the place where anyone would go if they felt they needed to change. It encompassed almost anything from gender changes, sexuality customization, and mods like cybernetic replacements or more simply, amputees with access to advanced prosthetics. The sub was a flurry of people just realizing they were trans, to people (if you want to call them that, some of them don't even want to call themselves that) well after achieving the shape they desired for much of their lives.

I was one of the cybernetic/amputee group. Of course I knew being an SWB was impossible, but maybe losing something else..a finger..a foot..would satiate this new pet desire of mine. The fear of even going to the website a fueled by years of indoctrinated bigotry toward people who choose to be themselves in the pursuit of happiness. It wasn't ten years ago when the first group of "wannabe" amputees began to show up. Technology advances fast this day and age, and the tools, computation power, and microsurgery nanobots necessary to perform a painless amputation plummeted in price where any hoser with $15,000 and an unstoppable desire could get their hands on everything they needed on the semi-legal black market.

People began showing up on threads who had removed their own fingers. Some elected for more, like entire arms, legs, or two entire limbs...rumors abound that one woman even achieved the removal of all of her limbs. However the trauma a procedure like that introduces to the body can be unimaginable, so no one in their right mind often chose more than the removal of two entire limbs.

I was always into bondage. With the periodic pandemics that would take over for the past couple decades though I never dated much. I imagined being tied up and would often tie my arm to my side, pretending I only had one arm. It was a bit of a disappointment I never really had anyone to help me tie the other one down, but I guess I never would have told them anyway.

And that's the rub...I have never, and do never, plan to tell anyone about this secret of mine. Being an amputee or modifying is for other people...or so I thought. The more I began to accept that I had these feelings, the stronger they would get. And the more euphoric I would feel imagining myself in a situation where I was missing a limb. It got to the point where it was hard to think about much of anything else. Paying the cashier at the market? Would be an interesting challenge without a hand. Arm fell asleep in the middle of the night? Man, that would be convenient if I just had an empty shoulder! Imagining the possibility made me ecstatic. Imagining continuing with my life the way it was...heartbreaking. I had to talk to someone.

"Sarah, why do you look like you're about to cry? ...Did you kill someone?" my best friend Lacy said trying to lighten the mood. She was usually pretty good at it, which is why I chose her to come out to.

"I honestly don't know how to say this. It's...it's like no one ever prepared me to formulate the words that I have to say." My throat hurt and my chin quivered, trying and failing to hold back tears.

"Take all the time you need to say it. You know at this point I'm not going anywhere until you spill the juicy details." Lacy said with a sweet smile.

"I...I don't want...or like, I wan't to get rid of...well it's not like get rid of, but I don't want to ever have had...Ugh!"

"Dude, just say it in a jumble of words and we'll parse it out afterwards. You're stressing yourself out my friend."

I took a deep breath and my voice was shaking and I finally said "I want to not have part, or like parts of me. Like I don't want my finger. Or maybe just no toe, or maybe an arm but that would be a lot, but I've seen people do it and they seem happy. I just think maybe I want to be like some of those people who don't have arms or something!"

Lacy stared at a spot on the ground in front of both of us and took a long breath through her nose. It took some time but she finally said, "Like an amputee?"

I couldn't breath or make any other movement except for an imperceptible knod of my head yes.

"Oh...that is a big deal. Um, no wonder it was hard for you to say?" She said with a questioning look. I knew she may have felt just the same as me, that those people, who choose to drastically change their bodies, were "other". Knowing that I still could not help being offended.

"Oh never mind! I knew I never should have said anything. Um...Im gonna go home and maybe I'll uh, text you later or something." I fumbled with my stuff, acting so confident like I knew where to put my arms during this exquisitely awkward moment.

"Oh Sarah! You know I didn't mean anything! I'm sorry, I just am a little confused. You never mentioned before that you wanted to change anything about yourself. You actually always seemed so beautiful and comfortable. You must have hid these feelings well."

"I've always been a little uncomfortable. I just knew from others I was attractive but I guess my brain just never truly let me see it. I realized recently that's not how people are usually supposed to feel."

"Yeah, I don't know either. Life is a bitch and more confusing than ever, even without..." she gestured broadly implying the subject at hand. "So...what do you want removed? Have you figured out how you're gonna do it?"

"No, I haven't done any of that yet. You're the first person I've told. I don't know how far I'd go, but I think I need to lose something. Maybe I'd start with a finger? God, I don't know. It sounds so fucked up when I say it."

"No, it doesnt." Lacy flew in with a giant hug and started running her fingers through my hair. "Don't keep any thing from me. I want you to be honest with me about all this. I may need to get a little used to this, for sure. But I feel so...honored? That you appreciate me enough to tell me first."

"Thank you. I think I need that most right now." I sniffled.

"No worries!" She punched me in the shoulder and immediately followed with "Hey better start practicing now--can't hit back with no arms!" Lacy laughed mock-manically and ran just out of my reach. I ran up to her and tried to kick her and missed. "Heheh, maybe we can look into getting those removed too--not like you can use 'em worth shit!"

I blushed. Hard.