Everything changed after my twin sister died.

An undiagnosed heart condition, they said. Nothing anyone could have done.

She was training for the next seasons kick off when she’d collapsed on the pitch. The staff had all done the best they could, but the doctor had assured us (and them) that Stacey would have died instantly and not felt any pain.

That left me, Steve, and mum.

It really hit mum hard.

I’d already been organising to move out, as I was distant from the family, but I did the best I could to help, even through my grief. I’d miss her too…

A week after the funeral, mum asked me to help clear out her room. She couldn’t bear to look at it anymore, but she couldn’t bring herself to clear it on her own.

As we started up the stairs to the bedrooms, I suddenly felt dizzy. Suddenly, something shifted. Everything around me blurred for a second, then went steady again.

“Thanks for helping me, Stace”, said mum. “I can’t believe he’s gone…”

“Uh, I’m still here”, I said. “It’s not me that died…”

Through her tears, mum stared at me.

“Please, Stace, not now. I know you miss him but stop acting like him. I need your strength to get through this…”

At that point, we passed a mirror in the hall. I looked in it…

My sister’s face stared back at me.

“What the hell!”, I shouted, backing away sharply from the mirror.

“Easy, Stace”, mum said. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost…”

“You… you don’t understand…”, I said, swallowing hard. “I know you’re not going to believe me, but before we started up the stairs, I was your son, Steve. Stacy was the one that was… gone…”

“Oh, god, no”, mum replied. “The doctors warned me this might happen, especially with twins as connected as you two…”

Mum slid down the wall and sat on the floor.

“Please, sweetheart, I can’t cope with this right now. You’re my daughter, Stacey, and I need you.”

I realised that mum really needed my help right then and, for the sake of keeping both of us going, I was going to have to man up (or woman up, in this case!) and be what she needed.

“Ok mum, I’m sorry, it’s just the grief and shock talking”, I said. “Let’s get on with this, then I’ll make you a nice cup of tea and we can sit down and talk about things.”

I reached out to her and was amazed at how small my hand was. I was definitely in my sister’s body…

After helping mum up, we went into ‘my’ room and spent the next hour or so packing things into boxes.

It was a bit hard to watch my entire life ending up on the floor in cardboard boxes, but I did the best I could to support mum.

After we had finished, I helped her carry all the boxes out into the garage and we came back in and sat at the breakfast table in the kitchen, both drinking tea.

Mum gave me a funny look when I made mine.

“Since when do you have sugar? You’re always worried about your weight…?”

“I felt I needed it”, I replied. Truth was, I’d made it the way I usually have it, not the way Stacey would.

I guess this means I’ve got her damn allergies too, so I’m going to have to be careful…

I sat with mum talking until bedtime. Luckily, the questions were pretty generic that either of us could have answered, so I didn’t say anything that Stacey wouldn’t have known.

Finally, we both headed for bed.

I almost went into the ‘wrong’ bedroom by mistake but turned into Stacey’s room and laid down on her bed, still fully dressed as I hadn’t got a clue what to wear.

Staring up at the ceiling, I couldn’t hold anything back any more, and the tears started flowing freely. Before long, I was literally howling with grief, both for my lost sister and the fact I was now her and saw reminders of that everywhere…

Mum came flying into the room and threw her arms around me.

We cried each other to sleep…

Next morning, I awoke to sunlight streaming in through the window and mum asleep on the bed next to me.

I reached over, put a hand on her shoulder and gave her a gentle shake.

“Hi, how’s you?”, I said.

“Hi, Stace”, she said. “Bit better than last night, that’s for sure. You?”

“About the same”, I said.

At the same time, I suddenly realised something.

The room was getting a little less unfamiliar, as were the things in it.

I picked up a small toy horse from the dressing table.

“I still remember when you bought me this for my birthday”, I said.

“Course you do, Stace”, mum said. “You’d had the day off because you weren’t well. Steve was abroad on holiday with his school, and you were feeling down and lonely.”

“Did you ever tell Steve about the horse?”, I asked, a tremor in my voice.

“No, of course not. It was our special thing between us”, I said. “I also told you not to tell him, as it was our little secret.”

“Then why can I remember it…”, I said, quietly.

The rest of the day passed in a blur.

Mum’s friends visited, to see how she was getting on, and I got on with a lot of tidying out, to try and take my mind off of things.

Mum’s voice suddenly called up from downstairs.

“Stace! Laura’s here to see how you are. Isn’t that nice…?”

I then heard a pair of feet thumping up the stairs and the door burst open.

“Stace! Come here, girlfriend, and give me a hug!”

To my absolute amazement, Laura barrelled across the room, threw her arms around me and gave me a wet, sloppy kiss.

I returned it and squeezed her back.

“Hi, kid!”, I said. “One thing, before we go any further…”

“Yes…?”, Laura said, quizzically.

“Because of everything that’s happened, my memory has gone a bit patchy for some reason. You might have to remind me of things. It’s coming back, but gradually…”

“You mean you don’t love me anymore?”, said Laura, a hurt expression on her face.

“That’s one of the things I do remember”, I said, a smile on my face for the first time since things all started, “but I don’t remember where and when we met, our first date, or anything. It’s almost like reading someone else’s Diary…”

“Oh…”, said Laura. “In that case, you don’t remember that it’s a month tomorrow that we started seeing each other.”

Laura and I laid back on ‘my’ bed (I still don’t feel right yet in this room) and stared up at the ceiling.

“Something’s happened to me, kid”, I said, eventually, “and I honestly don’t know what to do…”

“You know you can talk to me”, Laura said. “Tell me what’s going on in that head of yours…”

“That’s just it”, I said. “It’s not really just my head any more…”

I started explaining to Laura what was happening to me.

As I did this, I didn’t notice that mum had put her head round the door. She was going to ask if we both wanted a drink, but she just stood and listened instead. After standing there for a minute, she went downstairs again and came back up with her friend, Paula.

Paula was a psychiatrist that worked at the local hospital. She was also experienced in twins, and the occasional mental issues with them. She and mum had become friends because of some ‘issues’ the two of us had during childhood.

Mum came into the room and brought Paula in with her.

Laura was sitting on the bed, her eyes wide, holding my hands in hers.

“You mean I’ve just snogged the ghost of your brother?”, she said, eventually. “I don’t even like boys…!”

“No, it’s not quite like that”, I said. “To start with, especially close to the funeral, I was sure I was Steve. However, the more time goes by, Stacey’s memories are getting stronger, and stronger. I’m remembering more, and more every day…”

Both mum and Paula reached out, and there was now three concerned people holding my hands. The moment just got too much for me, and I started crying.

Before long, I was howling again, and Laura was hanging on to me as hard as she could, crying because she hated seeing me like this.

Mum also hugged me, and Paula hung on to mum.

“Stace, please, calm down”, mum said. “You’ll bust something…”

In the end, all they could do was put me to bed.

“I don’t know who I am any more”, I said, weakly.

“You’re Stacey, my beautiful daughter”, mum said, “who’s suddenly lost a special part of her family. Of course you’re going to feel the loss. It’s just grief in a different form.”

Paula suddenly nudged mum, and the two of them went out of the room. Laura stayed with me, sitting on the side of the bed and holding my hand.

I could hear mum and Paula talking downstairs, but not what they were saying.

Mum then came back in, alone.

“Paula thinks you need to see someone. I disagreed with her. You said yourself that your memories are coming back quicker, Stace, so the problem’s going to resolve itself on its own. You’ll just have to bear with it while your head is ‘settling down’. She has prescribed some mild sedatives while all this is happening, and I’ve agreed with her.”

Mum looked over at Laura.

“Laura, you’re welcome to stay here as often as you want. Stacey needs her friends around her, and you’re perfect in that respect. If your mum says it’s ok, you can always stay over if you want.”

“I’d love to!”, squeaked Laura, thinking all her Christmases had come at once. “I just wish it was under better circumstances”, she said, a little more subdued.

“Let me phone my mum to check”, she said. “Stace, do you mind if I borrow one of your nighties?”

“No problem…”.  I was only half awake because Paula had come back in while everyone was talking and injected me with a mild sedative from her kit.

Laura left the room to phone her mum.

Mum sat with me and held my hand, as I drifted off to sleep…