A Journal of Transformation

by grapehyacinth

3/1/16

I am so scared...

I'm writing this journal for several reasons. Ever heard of a needle-stick journal? Some jobs keep a list of workers that have gotten accidentally stuck by a non-sterile needle.

Well, this is my own private journal. I, Moira Nathans, age twenty-six, was stuck this morning.

Tom, my fiance, is doing research on healing. He has done wonders with getting sick or injured chimps to heal from conditions that may even be fatal. I'm both his partner and his assistant. Yes, it's a weird relationship, but it works.

Today I was going to administer some of the healing serum to an ailing chimp brought to us from a zoo. I felt so bad for the little guy, and I was really hoping we could help him. Being the clutz that I am, I tripped on the way over to his cage. The needle jabbed my arm with such force that I'm surprised it didn't pierce through to the other side.

Thinking nothing of it, I rubbed the bruise and went on my way. Honestly, it was a small amount of liquid and it was unlikely to have any effect on me. I figured I'd be fine.

Yet by lunch, I was feeling slightly lightheaded. It wasn't a bad feeling. I liken it to being slightly buzzed from an alcoholic drink. I wasn't sure it was related to the serum, honestly. Maybe I was just hungry.

Slightly giddy, I finally brought myself to tell Tom of the morning's mishap. He was sitting across from me at the table, still finishing his lunch. He had been enjoying his sandwich so much. Now he tossed it down, almost missing the plate entirely.

“Why didn't you tell me sooner?” he yelled. Almost everyone in the cafeteria glanced up at him. He didn't seem to care. “You can't keep stuff like that to yourself!”

“What does it matter?” I responded, surprised at his reaction. “Maybe it'll heal up the slight limp I've always had after my leg was shattered in the car accident. After all those doctors and surgeons, clutzy old me ends up fixing it for free!”

I found this quite amusing, but Tom remained straight-faced. He tightly replied, “I never notice your limp. And cut it out. This is no joke!”

I sipped at my cup of tea, not responding. Maybe I was being too glib about the situation.

He glanced at me anxiously. “I don't know what kind of effects that serum will have on a person. It's specifically formulated for chimps only. There's all kinds of chimp DNA, enzymes, and antibodies packed in there! You know that!”

“So my body will just break it all down.”

“Chimp bodies don't 'break it all down'!” This comment was delivered with such anger that I cringed.

But I couldn't leave things on this note. “Oh, Tom, don't worry,” I said soothingly. “Man shares ninety-nine percent of his DNA with chimps. They're our closest relatives.”

I was still being flippant, but there was a bit of worry deep within me. Tom wanted to tell his boss what had happened, but I insisted we wait. What good would it do if Dr. Umberto Lapid, famous behavioral scientist, knew, anyway? He'd probably run all kinds of tests on me, and it would amount to nothing but embarrassment for all of us.

Plus, he'd use more needles. I hate getting needles.

8:34 PM

I was sitting back and playing piano before. I love to play. It relaxes me after a long day.

But I had to stop. The actual sound of the music was starting to bother me. The higher notes were radiating through my brain, like, well, needles.

And now I truly hate needles like never before.

So instead, I read the novel I'd put off reading for months. Normally I'm a fast reader, but I found myself having to stop every so often just to understand what I was reading. I'd finish a sentence, then I would pull it apart in my head. After a few paragraphs, I'd have to go back to the beginning part of the chapter because I wouldn't remember what was going on. It's making me very nervous, yet at the same time, assuming this is serum-related, side effects do happen. This is a great way to find out about them, though.

9:29PM

My head feels like it's splitting open in reverse. It's hard to describe. But it hurts like hell, and eight hundred milligrams of Ibuprofen has done nothing to change it. I feel like my skull is being crushed in a vise, and now all my limbs hurt. When I told Tom, he said to go to the hospital. He always says that for the littlest aches, however, so I'm not taking much heed of his advice. I think I'm going to try to sleep this off instead. Sleeping often makes my headaches go away.

3/2/16, 3:14AM

I've been tossing and turning all night. My whole skeleton aches, and my skin is unbearably itchy. I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like my insides are churning. My stomach is grumbling and doing flip-flops, and I'm not hungry in the least. I had a decent dinner – not too big, not too small. No heartburn or indigestion.

But the sensation extends far further than my stomach. I feel like everything from the neck down is just...I don't know, wrong. It feels like it's shifting or something, which is bizarre. All I can say is that if this keeps on much longer, I'm definitely going to a doctor.

3:21AM

I just ripped all of my clothes off. Laugh all you want, but seriously, the fabric's binding me is driving me insane, for some reason. Now that I'm free of my clothing, I'm more comfortable and relaxed. I think I might just be able to finally get to sleep.

8:16AM

I somehow got to work. It hurt to walk, but I find it feels better if I slouch a bit – even though it made my pants keep falling down. Tom asked me if I thought my leg was healing from the serum. I hadn't noticed any difference. But when we stood next to each other by the coffee machine, he did a double-take. “The serum must be doing something to your leg.”

“Why?”

“You shrank,” he gasped.

“I just feel better when I slouch,” I grumbled. But I stood up straight, and I swear, I think he was right. I used to come up to eye-level with him. Now I only reached his chin.

That was the moment that my pants chose to fall all the way down.

“What the hell?” I screeched, grabbing them up in embarrassment. Luckily no one else was around this early in the morning. “What is this stuff doing to me?” I exclaimed in frustration. My lab coat seemed huge too. It was practically skirting my ankles.

“Maybe the serum's healing your leg but it's also affecting your height.”

We both knew this was ludicrous, but neither of us admitted it. “Maybe you're right,” I murmured, scratching at my arm. The area where the needle poked was especially achy and itchy.

“My shoes are tight, though,” I added.

And they are. And I have no idea what that's all about.

10:56AM

I'm not getting much work done because I feel so awful. I guess I'm really anxious because I keep misplacing things and forgetting what I was setting out to do. The pain is now coming in waves on and off. I notice that putting an ice pack on my head greatly helps. The pressure seems to be relieved somewhat.

My hands look funny. The skin is darkening. I checked the rest of my body and noticed the same phenomenon. I guess the serum is affecting melanin production in my skin. Great.

10:58AM

My shoes were so tight that I ripped them off, along with my socks. My feet are changing, I swear it. I can't fathom why. The toes look longer, and although the foot itself seems to have shortened, it also seems wider. I really am beginning to worry. I can't understand why this would happen simply from ingesting a chimp healing medication.

My mind is so foggy.

11:02AM

I looked at the needle-stick site.

I can't believe what I'm about to record here, but I swear it's true. There is brown, thick hair growing around it. It's definitely not human hair.

But chimps have hair like this. Not fur.

And I just took a chimp-related serum...

11:30 AM

I waited a half hour before I looked at the spot again. The chimp-like hair has spread. In fact, it's covering most of the top half of my arm.

And I swear my arms have grown longer. My fingers look weird too. When I made the mistake of looking at myself in the mirror, I could see that my ears are jutting out past my hair. They used to be covered by it. I thought up all kinds of silly reasons as to why they appeared this way – perhaps my hair was oily so it looked flatter than usual. This would make my ears stick out more. Or maybe it was an optical illusion, or my ears were swollen, so they would... Oh, I give up.

Please help me. I can't even write down what I think might be happening. It's too impossible.

12:18PM

I showed Tom what was going on. Now my arm is covered and the hair is creeping across my chest. I've shrunk more, and Tom says my face looks flatter but my forehead is jutting out slightly. He's freaking out more than me, I think. We brainstormed all the possibilities of what might be occurring. But it was undoubtedly the serum that had caused my issues, and we both knew the inevitable conclusion...

I'm turning into a chimp.

1:07PM

Walking around in a daze. Alternating between crying and staring into space. This is not possible. This is not happening. Humans are not shape-shifters. There is no way one creature can simply transform into a completely different species.

I'm going to see Dr. Lapid.

3:07PM

Despite what Tom and I suspected, things didn't seem truly real until Dr. Lapid examined me. I was so horrified by my condition that I wasn't the least bit embarrassed to disrobe in front of our boss. He has an MD as well as a PhD, and he was an emergency room doctor for eight years before he went into research. So I guess I had no reason to be embarrassed anyway.

But normally, even if my neckline was too 'plunging', I was ashamed. So this was a big thing for me.

After taking my vitals, Dr. Lapid circled me, studying me in silence. Most of my body was covered in animal hair; it was even on my legs. My nails and toenails had thickened a bit, and my ears seemed to have migrated a bit higher on my head.

“You're turning into a chimp,” he said to me, but it wasn't in a worried tone. It was full of awe, and it made me start to cry worse than before.

“No! No! I won't have this! I can't! It's not fair!” I was acting like a six-year-old, but I didn't care. The horror of my situation had finally hit home.

Tilting his head in curiosity, Dr. Lapid asked, “Moira, why would you cry? As a scientist, you must see what an amazing adventure you have ahead of you! Being the first human to transform! What an honor!”

Tom got really angry. “It's an honor to become an animal?”

Dr. Lapid clasped his hands together. “Ah, but the most intelligent of animals!”

“Most intelligent?” Tom sputtered. “This is my wife-to-be we're talking about! I didn't plan on marrying a chimp!”

I continued to sob, now clinging to Tom. “I don't want to be an animal,” I pushed out, then set back to weeping into Tom's shirt. A particularly horrible thought suddenly hit me, and I shivered. “Will I even know who I am at the end?” I asked.

Both of them looked at me. Dr. Lapid shrugged and shook his head. “I don't know. I really couldn't tell you.”

5:16PM

I'm so hungry. I guess it's hard work for a body to transform. I'm sitting here feasting on the jar of mixed nuts that I keep on my desk. They're for emergency mid-afternoon cravings, but today it was all I could do to keep myself from holding the jar up to my (strangely jutting-out) mouth and pouring them down my throat.

But they're a lot easier to chew with these changing teeth. My whole dentition is enlarging and sticking out more. The canines are huge. Good to know I'll be able to enjoy my meals as an animal.

6:28 PM

Tom is sticking by my side. He brought me all of my favorite foods for dinner, which he is getting ready to cook up. He even got me two of my favorite deserts – chocolate chip cheesecake and apple crisp. And that apple crisp smells heavenly!

He swore he would treat me well if I lose my mind as an animal. I don't know how things would be any other way. My head has definitely shrunk, which means my brain is likely becoming a chimp one. I'm having a hard time typing this entry out, honestly. The words are not coming to me as quickly as they normally would, and I keep forgetting where the characters are on the keyboard. Plus, my hands are no longer human ones. They're chimp ones.

I'm pretty sure I will lose myself, and it's frightening.

6:47PM

Tom getting dinner ready. He showd me a quote from an author named Terry Pratchett: “Evolution was far more thrilling to me than the biblical account. Who would not rather be a rising ape than a falling angel?”

I wasnt sure why he showd me that. I dint' really understand it. He said something like evolution is real and the bible is not. I said that I think some of the stuff in the bible is real and why is he telling me this quote right now because I can't even string two words together anymore.

He got really sad and said its cause Im the faling angel and the rising ape at the same time.

7:16 PM

We both ate diner together. Tom knows eveything I like. It is getting so hard to rite, and I'm really scared of what will happen next.

When I was eating, I screeched and made chimp sounds. I was joking, but Tom got scared. He was scared I coulnd't talk but I still could. I feel bad that he is worried about me so I tried to make him laff. I ate my food with my feet. They're like hands now. But Tom got mad and told me to stop. I said I'm trying to make him feel better. He said it makes him feel bad not better. I think he wanted to cry because he went into the bathroom and his eyes had water in them.

7:35PM

When Tom cme out we atee my chescake with chocoates chips. I love that somuch he likes it to. He ate 2 pieces I ate the rest of the cake. Tom laffed at me but he was glad. I finised the aple crisp too.

9:56PM

I not going home. I stay in my lab. I scared to go home.

I am short. Cant smell as well as I used to. I am hairy. I feel good now.

Tom gave me froot. I like froot want more froot.

Tom love me. I Love Tom too.

3/5/16

….I, Tom Merton, will be continuing Moira's journal for her......

I was staying with Moira in the lab on the night of her change. Towards the end she was getting very hard to understand, but she managed to get the idea across that she desperately wanted fruit. At this point, my mindset was one of which I was about to watch my beloved die, so I wanted to do whatever I could to fulfill her last wishes. So I went out to get the best, juiciest produce I could find for her.

When I came back, she was almost indistinguishable from the other chimps. She was swinging back and forth from the cages, and chattering to the other animals as if she had always been one of them.

I called her name and she did turn to me, but her reaction was chilling. I could see a struggle of sorts, as if she were trying to understand who I was. But there was no real sign of recognition in her eyes, and I knew right then, my Moira was gone.

In absolute horror, I let the bags of fruit drop to the floor. They made a sickening thump, and I didn't care, because now Moira didn't care. She was an animal now, and, as I suspected would happen, her mind was an ape's.

The lovely new female chimp ran over and snatched up a bruised peach, munching at it like the animal she was. The pulp splattered around her lips, and the juice dripped from her chin to the floor.

Moira had perfect manners. She never would dream of acting this way.

I found her laptop open to this journal, and I read through it. It was like reading through a dead person's writings, and I felt like, in essence, I had killed her. I was the one who had chosen her from five others to be my assistant all those years ago. Then I had proceeded to fall in love with her. Had she not been here, then she would have still been with us today.

But then I never would have known her...

I've decided to continue this journal and then perhaps publish it. Dr. Lapid and I agreed that we should let the public know what has taken place, despite Moira's loss. We know, being the scientist she was, that she would wish the world to be aware of what this serum can do. I'm not sure what anyone will do with this knowledge, because I'm not sure how many people would want to be changed into animals, but we will go ahead, nonetheless. And I intend to get started on an antidote immediately. I want her back.

3/9/16

The antidote work is not going so well. I'm trying to fabricate the same serum, but I'm substituting human components in place of the chimp ones. I'm concerned, if I'm successful, as to whether Moira will still be Moira if we can restore her. I'm thinking I should get her human DNA specifically to use. The antibodies and enzymes would have to come from another human, but I would try to get someone from her family to contribute them. I'm sure any of them would. They are sick with grief over Moira's fate. They don't know whether to mourn her death or to pray for her recovery.

3/11/16

Moira's sister Velma contributed some samples to us. She spent hours with us in the lab, letting us poke and prod her. She visited her sister, but couldn't bear to stay around her long. She kept bursting into tears.

Velma also brought us Moira's hairbrush, which yielded some excellent DNA samples, so we're good to go on the antidote front, at least.

3/12/16

I'm watching the chimps play. We always bring them out into a playroom which was built just for them. They usually only spend time in their cages when they are sleeping or eating, and we never do anything harmful to them. We don't deliberately hurt them to create experiment subjects either. We get animals that need help and we work to cure them.

But I digress. The chimps are having a wonderful time, swinging from the fake trees and tussling with each other. I wouldn't know Moira from the others except that, for whatever reason, the hair on her head is longer than the others. She'd had short dark hair as a person, and she seems to have retained it. It always serves as a sad reminder to what I've lost, and it makes me promise myself to work hard to bring her back. I really want to believe we can.

3/15/16

Moira is sitting next to me, eating an apple and watching me closely. I always talk to her, and she seems to have finally taken an interest in me.

But when I look in her eyes, I only see that blank look. There is no love, only curiosity. An animal's curiosity.

It's fascinating how carefully she's munching at the fruit. She's so good with those chimp fingers and feet...

She'd always loved apple crisp as a human.

3/17/16

I caved. I bought Moira a whole apple crisp from the corner bakery. She loves it. She ate the whole thing in one sitting – with her hands and feet, of course. She was so messy after that I had to give her a bath. She enjoyed that too.

The whole afternoon made me kind of sad, and when I went home, I thought of her alone in the lab. I hate to leave her there, but again, she's an animal. She's safest there, and...well, I hate to take her away from her friends. She likes them so much.

3/19/16

Umberto Lapid and I gave a lecture about what happened. The press lapped it up. It's all over the world news. We're famous.

I don't really care. I just want to get married to my human fiancee.

3/20/16

The serum should be ready in a few days. I'm hopeful, but I'm trying not to get too excited. After all, why should it work? Yes, I'm doing the same thing in reverse, but still, anything can happen.

Moira's back beside me on the floor. She's doing a rather complex puzzle, and, like all chimps, her intelligence is quite striking. What's sad is she had been much more intelligent once. All that learning, schooling, and knowledge is all lost. And I'm so scared that it will never be retrieved.

3/25, 2:18PM

I administered the serum to Moira. Honestly, I felt bad giving her the needle, because she's always been so needle-phobic. She screeched and spat at me, and the expression on her face was strikingly similar to the one she'd give me if I showed up late or I said something stupid to her... As a person, of course.

Oh, Moira, I miss you so damned much.

4:14 PM

No effect as of yet. Something better happen soon. I'm getting so anxious – I just drank a glass of wine. Probably not the smartest thing to do at work, but this is no ordinary work day.

8:57PM

I'm staying here in the lab around the clock now. I don't want to miss anything, and if Moira needs my help, I want to be around.

I noticed she is losing some body hair. She's got several bald spots now, which is greatly encouraging. Here's hoping.

3/26, 2:16AM

Moira is moaning and crying in her sleep, and she keeps stretching over and over. As bad as I feel about her obvious discomfort, it's still a very good sign.

4:47AM

Moira is really in distress. She's making nearly-human moans, and she's pacing her cage. She's walking ramrod-straight, however, and I think she has grown slightly larger.

I finally gave her some oxycodone (tucked into a peach) to help with the pain, along with a med to make her sleep through the worst of the changes. But I'm convinced that the serum is doing something. I just hope the end result is positive.

11:55AM

I'm ashamed that I overslept, but as all was silent here, I did.

Moira is still asleep, but now she is truly a strange creature. She is curled in a fetal position on the floor of her cage, but she is more woman than chimp. Her skin is still darker and she has not lost all her hair, but her face has softened. Her forehead has receded, returning her more delicate woman's visage. Her nose is still slightly enlarged, however.

The change in her feet was striking. I actually was able to watch as, for whatever reason, they progressed rather quickly. They started out as chunky and hand-like, then they took on several bizarre intermediate forms, and then ended as slender, womanly feet. I want to kiss them so badly.

Moira's ears are where they should be as a human, but her arms are still freakishly long. I can see her bare breasts poking through the remaining hair on her chest. I want to cover her up, but I'm scared that touching her will hinder her changes. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I just don't want to tempt fate. Or nature. Or whatever you want to call this whole ordeal...

Moira just opened her eyes. Is it possible that I was seeing more of a sparkle in them, like the old Moira had? Maybe this was just wishful thinking? I don't know, but I was so delighted, I just jumped up, clapping. “Moira!” I cried joyfully.

She shifted her focus towards me, but I think I was mistaken. Her eyes were still blank.

8:36PM

Moira is back, but she is not quite the Moira I once knew. Dr. Lapid and I have been running all sorts of tests on her, and she does not seem to have any cognitive issues. But she's not yet what she was.

She can't speak, but she can make human sounds. She seems to be trying to talk, however. I'm wondering if she's retained her language skills. Although I'm mainly concerned as to whether her brain has retained general memories through the changes. The next few weeks will be tough ones.

4/31/16

I have taken on the task of heading Moira's re-education strategy. Dr. Lapid and many other teachers, psychologists, and scientists are contributing to get her back to being a functioning member of society.

She is making amazing progress, and I hope one day to have her back in her lab position, just like old times. Little by little, things are coming back to her, and she is already speaking in simple sentences. I can see Moira's feisty spirit inside, struggling to get out, but her brain is, in essence, in a healing phase.

The marriage has been postponed. Not indefinitely, but I don't feel it right to marry her this way. She needs time to heal.

Moira now lives with her parents once more, and they have been instrumental in slowly reintroducing her to life in general. She's even taking piano lessons.

And her limp is gone.

5/30

I waited for a month before writing again. The wedding is set for six months from now. And I think the original writer is ready to take back on the burden of this journal.

Moira, go for it:

Hello its Moira. I am back I feel better . I cant wait to get married thank you for takeing care of me Tom. I love you Tom.