by grapehyacinth

(Snowman TF, liquid/chemical TFs, melting) 

An Aldous the Angry Wizard Story

As usual, Aldous the Wizard was being scolded by his wife, Cora. Also as usual, Cora was right, but he hated the way she always insisted on rubbing it in.

“Aldous, you took out the recyclables on the wrong day! Today was the day you were supposed to take out garbage! Because you did that, the garbagemen ended up throwing out all the recyclables! That all goes into a landfill and it's bad for the environment! Why don't you actually listen when I tell you what to do?”

“Because you're always telling me what to do!”

“Well, I need help here! I'm not a maid! You live here too!”

“You're a powerful sorceress! Who's worried about recyclables?”

Cora shook her fist at him. “Damn you, Aldous! Get into the twenty-first century already! And go get the mail while you're at it!”

The wizard walked meekly to the front door and peered out. “It's snowing,” he moaned.

“Well, if you'd gotten the mail when I told you to hours ago, you'd be fine!”

“You're killing me,” he murmured under his breath.

“What did you say?”

The wizard opened the front door, and snow blew into the house. “I should go out here and spend the night. It'll be much more comfortable than hearing you nag!”

“In a blinding blizzard, Aldous?”

“Ah, the weather's great here. And it'll be like a vacation from you!!”

“You want a vacation? Here's a vacation!”

The ball of fire that emanated from his wife's hand came so fast that he was unable to dodge it. It hit him head-on, consuming him in the warm light of his wife's immense power, and erasing his present form entirely. He was propelled out to the middle of the front lawn, where he felt himself re-forming. He was growing back a man's body...no, wait, he didn't have legs... Instead they were forming into a ball, and another ball was his midsection...

She's turning me into a snowman!

As he solidified into snow, he fought hard against his changes, but to no avail. When his wife locked a spell, even he could not break it. And how he had tried!

And she was coming towards him now.

She trudged through the snow and plunked his good hat down on his head. “That's to keep the sun off,” she snickered.

That's my best hat! he protested silently.

“Enjoy it,” she answered, easily hearing his thoughts, and went back inside.

And the snow came down.

Several inches of snow fell on top of his hat, leaving him with an odd, misshapen cone head. He tried to shake off the mounting weight on his head, but his wife had not allowed him the ability to move in the slightest.

It was hard for him to admit to himself, but Cora was likely more powerful than even he was. If he ever truly got on her bad side, he shuddered to think what horrible fate might befall him. Yet Cora was a good person deep down. She had never transformed anyone permanently...well, not against their will, at least.

There was a flash behind him, and he cursed to himself. What was that? If I could only move to see...

“Oh, Aldous, you're holding up pretty well.”

His wife stepped in front of him. Instead of being bundled up against the sub-freezing weather, she was dressed in a light shirt and pants. The snow did not touch her, and her feet remained on top of the foot of snow that surrounded him. Oh, how he loved when she placed an invincible spell on herself. It was as if there were a bubble that surrounded her protectively, keeping everything out...including him, if she wished it.

“Hope you're enjoying your vacation.” She held up her phone. “I even took a picture of you in your newest form so you have a souvenir.”

Ah, so that was what that flash was. I thought you'd changed someone into a toboggan or something.

Cora did not acknowledge his jibe. Instead, she held up the camera to his face. “Look at you! You actually turned out great!”

Aldous studied the picture on Cora's camera. He was a snowman like any other, with rocks for eyes and a carrot nose. His arms were sticks, and three rocks down his midsection were apparently supposed to be buttons.

Why don't I have a mouth? he demanded. At least give me that!

“Oh, Aldous, come on. I gave you cute buttons. And I hear enough from your mouth when you're human.” She seemed to think this over, then a wry smile broke out on her face. “Here ya go.” She sent a small bolt from her hand towards his face, and he could feel lips forming. “There. You have a mouth now. Not that it'll do you any good as an inanimate object.”

I make a damned good inanimate object, and you know it. There was no way he would beg her to change him back. He refused to. It was against his principles.

He glanced once more at the picture, and felt a surge of pride. Yes, Cora was definitely an artist. Each one of the snowballs that made up his body were perfectly spherical. Well, if he had to spend some time as a snowman, he might as well be a shapely one.

Cora put her phone back in her pocket. “Hey, it's supposed to go above freezing tomorrow. You're going to love the sunny weather!” She held out her other hand, and an umbrella materialized into it. She shoved it into the snow at his feet. “In case you need sun protection.” She made a cackling laugh, and went back inside.

That woman. He hated and loved her all at once.

Left alone with his thoughts, he allowed himself to fully experience his form. It honestly wasn't bad at all, in fact, being hard, packed snow was really quite pleasant. Why had he never done this before? He was well-accustomed to being objects, but the way he was fabricated of three increasingly large snowballs was strangely pleasing. He wished he could hug his stick-arms to his chest, but the lack of movement was a drawback. Maybe he'd turn himself into a fully-functioning snowman at some point. Well, as fully-functioning as one could get when one was made of snow...

A snowplow trundled by, and its driver laughed drunkenly at him from the window. “That's the goofiest snowman I've ever seen! Hey, dude! Love the fat kissy-lips!”

Aldous bristled. Even when transformed, the objects he became were relatively attractive. Now of course, he hadn't seen what he looked like with the lips Cora had so politely added on...

I'll get that bastard when I turn back. What kind of idiot talks to snowmen? I'm going to turn him into a dumpster...

“Have a beer, dude!” The driver tossed a beer bottle across the lawn. It was aiming right for Aldous's face, and he couldn't move.

No! You can't throw things at me! I'm a powerful wizard! That's disrespectful of your elders!

It hit with a smack, knocking off his carrot-nose.

God damn you! That's my nose! You are so going to merge with the back of your garbage truck when I turn back to myself!

The plow drove away, and Aldous could hear the broken laughter of the man.

I'm going to get the police after you for driving drunk! Who plows snow and drinks beer at the same time? What are the kids in this world coming to?

Now Aldous felt embarrassed. Had Cora really made him that goofy looking?

Aldous was not cold in his new form. There was merely a pleasant coolness that was simply part of him, like a June breeze fanning at his wings when he was a bird. He missed those careless days of summer when he was young and single. The scrapes he got in with the other boys! Turning Mrs. Nightkin into a chicken and losing her amongst the real chickens, becoming balloons with Tommy and getting so high up they were afraid they'd be lost in space, turning into towels in the girls' bathroom in college... Such wonderful memories! But of course, as often as he and Cora scuffled, the things he had done with her over the years dwarfed any of his childhood memories.

The sounds of drunken teens reached his ears sometime before dawn, and a car skidded too fast down the snowy road. The snow was coming down far too swiftly for the plows to keep up with it.

Oh, no. More drunk people, Aldous mumbled to himself. He thought about an old plan to enchant all the alcohol in the world; when drunk, the person would transform. It would be awesome...

The old, beat-up car filled with teens was coming careening towards him, and he was powerless to stop what he knew was next.

Please, just go past me. I kind of like being a snowman...

The impact sent his head smashing to the ground. It cracked in half, splitting his face in two. His middle fell backwards, plummeting into the snow. When the car skidded away, Aldous was left literally in pieces.

I always knew I was falling apart, he grumbled to himself.

When the first rays of light hit, Aldous was almost grateful. The snow had piled another half foot over him, so he was mostly buried in it. It wasn't uncomfortable; in fact it was as if he were slumbering under a blanket. But the feeling of being in several different parts, as always, was disorienting. If he melted, at least, he'd run all back together...unless he evaporated...

“Well, look at this!”

He heard Cora's words, but he was too covered by the snow to see her.

“Who knocked you apart? It's absolutely perfect! I want to reward them!”

Goddamned kids, goddamned plow driver...

“Kids got you?”

I'm gonna turn them into turkeys on Thanksgiving.

“Oh, Aldous,” she brushed the snow off his face, and she came into view. “I like you like this.”

He was silent. He still refused to plead with her. He would wait as long as he needed to.

As promised, the sun's rays warmed and intensified, and Aldous soon felt the pleasure of melting. He'd done it many times before, in fact it had been quite a pastime when he and Cora were younger. It was extremely relaxing to feel one's form simply fall away until one was shapeless. The problem was, the rest of the snow around him was melting too.

I'm slush, Aldous groaned to himself. I'd rather be pure water. I hate being all these crappy ice particles swishing around...

There was nothing better than just lying as an undisturbed liquid, with the smallest breeze tickling one's surface. Why couldn't he have just been water? Being slush was much messier.

Suddenly feet were slamming into him, sending parts of him all over. Damn, , I'm everywhere now!

“Just checking on your progress...Oh, Aldous, I stepped in you! How lovely!” Cora picked up her foot.

Part of Aldous gazed up at her from the sole of her shoe. I'm slush. I hate being slush.

“Oh, you'll love it when I walk on the cement with you!”

No, don't, I'll be everywhere!

Cora looked around at the puddles and water droplets around her. “You're everywhere already.”

I'll sink in! I hate sinking in!

But Cora deliberately stomped down the snowy path, leaving parts of him there, then she walked into the dry garage, making as many footprints as she could.

Oh, I can't stand this... Aldous thought, as bits of him sank into the cement.

As night neared, Aldous felt all the parts of him hardening into ice. Normally this was enjoyable, but he was in so many places right now that it was annoying.

Cora came outside and surveyed her handiwork. Aldous was greatly relieved as she began drawing him together, forming him back into a man. “Well thank you, Cora. Are you finally done with me?” he asked in a sarcastic tone, “Or do I get to be something even better tonight? Like a block of cheese for you to melt into fondue, or maybe a knitting needle? A candle? A match? A pipe cleaner?”

Cora regarded him for a moment, then suddenly hit him with a wave of power. He shrank to the ground and hardened into an odd shape.

Hey! What are you doing?

She picked him up by what now was a handle. “I'm out of bleach,” she directed at his “Clorox” label.  

Hey! No!

“I'm not going out to the store in this storm! I have a load of whites to do!” She walked inside and into the laundry room.

Don't use me in the wash!

“Oh, you always love going through the wash, Aldous. Especially when you're clothes!” She pulled off his cap and held him over the waiting clothing.

But this time I'm a chemical –

“Yes, and you're concentrated!”

If you do it, I'll make bleach stains!

“On the whites? Good luck!”  

He was pouring into the warm water, mixing with it, sinking into the clothes and whitening them against his will.  

“Work hard, dear,” she said, twisting the setting knob to 'extra wash'. She leaned in towards the clothing. “And don't joke with me about making you into fondue. You loved it. You were talking about that for years after. I did it to you five times on one day and I even got sick on you!”

Cora, don't shut the door!

Slam.