Things were surprisingly peaceful at the New Cork City Police Department. The still air reeked of the creeping futility that comes with your typical desk job. Stray clicking and clack of bored employees punctuated the calm atmosphere as old records were idly combed through. Where officers often discussed new evidence and details of a case, there was now only office chatter about last night’s football game. Minutes seemed to crawl by at a snail’s pace as everyone checked their clocks. In short, not a whole lot of crime happening that day.
This was partly due to the No Crimes Allowed Anymore bill that recently passed in the city, but also because of the hard work of highly capable individuals such as one Agent Jessica Flach. Known as one of the most effective members of the force by anyone with the privilege of knowing her identity, this agent’s crime-catching prowess and aptitude were matched only by her natural and effortless beauty. A true femme-fatale, she turned the heads of even those she was pursuing with only the minimal amount of effort she put into her appearance. Her angular face bore a strict expression, as usual, as she made her way down the hall to her supervisor’s office.
She confidently swung the door open, starting the conversation with a resigned “Chief, what the hell is this?” Her deep voice complimented her exasperated tone.
The head honcho of the agency, a man who managed to be even more no-nonsense than Jessica, glanced up at her before looking back to his glowing computer screen. “You know how it is, Flach. Hardly any real crimes are happening, and we need to keep you in top shape.”
“How is chasing off a bunch of rebellious teens supposed to do that?” Jessica replied, “You know, this stuff is way below my paygrade. Get some local cops to do it.”
“Tried that. They couldn’t catch ‘em. You’re smart, you’ve got this.” The chief explained.
“Tch…” Agent Flach rebuffed, “Isn’t there anyone else you can message on there?” Jessica strode around to get behind her superior’s desk. She made it just in time to see the chief click on the wrong gray square, causing him to lose his latest round of Minesweeper.
“Just be lucky you have something to do,” he said in annoyance.
------Later------
According to some overly nosy white suburbanites, the unfortunate delinquents in Agent Flach’s sights were currently occupying a long-abandoned factory at the outskirts of the city. The expert crime-catcher double checked that she had arrived at the right place, then stepped out of her car.
“You brats think you can loiter in my city?” she said to no one in particular as she adjusted the tie of her all-black suit, “Think again.” Despite her super cool one-liner, this just didn’t feel the same as the high-profile cases she was used to. There was simply no way this would live up the adrenaline-pumping stakes she had become accustomed to. She sighed to herself and made her way into the makeshift hideout, fully confident that all this would be over after she gave these kids a firm talking-to.
Stepping inside the factory, Jessica was met with a sprawling manufacturing floor with dilapidated machines strewn about. The place was run down, sure, but a keen eye like Jessica’s saw the signs that there was more than meets the eye to the place. Rusty, aging equipment was sat next to what looked like much newer and more amateurish contraptions. Contrasting with the highly standardized factory parts were devices of unknown use held together with duct tape and amateur weld jobs.
“Huh. At least they’re creative miscreants,” she mused to herself. Not wanting to be a babysitter, she broke standard baddy-catching protocol and made her presence known.
“Hey!” her voice rang out less like a shout and more like a tactically precise blast of sound, “I’m Agent Jessica Flach, and you bunch of punks are hanging out on private property . Get your asses out before I kick them out.”
She stood in the middle of the factory floor with her hands on her hips. After a few moments of silence, she heard a rustling coming from somewhere in the factory, followed by the sounds of an intercom electrically buzzing to life.
“Ummm, we aren’t really bothering anyone. Plus, like, this place hasn’t been used for, like, 40 years or something, sooo…”
“So buzz off, lady!” another much ruder voice burst in through the intercom, “We don’t like when cops stifle our creativity!”
Jessica rolled her eyes. “Why did they pick me for this shit…” she muttered under her breath. She really was not about to go sicko mode on some kids (as much as she was tempted to do so), so she tried to reason with them.
“Look, I really don’t have time for this. How about this; you kids show off one of your fancy ‘inventions,’ I give you the attention you all clearly don’t get at home, then we all have our little after school special moment and go home. Deal?”
The condescension in her voice was thick enough to be compared to a Pixar mom. It was met with a lengthy silence that could only mean the suspects were conferring with each other about what to do next. Just when Agent Flach was about to pipe up again, the intercom broke the silence.
“Alright, we’ll show you something we’ve been working on. Could you stand on that X over there?”
Jessica glanced around the floor of the factory until she spotted the mark on the floor. Under normal circumstances, this would be the most obvious trap in the world, but Jessica’s guard was down. After all, what’s the worst some troublesome teens could do? Sighing to herself, she walked over to the X and planted her feet onto the center. “Alright, now what?”
“Now, the spider unleashes its web!” the second intercom voice practically sang.
“Spiders don’t really do that- ACK!”
With a sudden mechanical KERCHUNK, Agent Flach felt something slam against her back.
“Owww! What the hell!?” She tried to leap out of the way but found that something was holding her in place. Her entire backside, from her black ponytail to her slacks-clad butt, was stuck in place like it had been glued to something. In fact, this was exactly the case; a panel from the floor had sudden risen up at a 90-degree angle to meet her and was coated in some sort of sticky substance.
“Looks like the giant flytrap part worked,” came a new voice from the intercom, “Which means it’s time for me to do the fun part!”
To say Jessica was annoyed was an understatement. “Oh, haha, very funny, punks! Nnngh!” Her sarcastic tone was less sassy and more ‘I’m going to kill you if you don’t undo this right now.’ She grunted as she tried to pull herself away, but she found herself hopelessly stuck. “A very clever prank, but this suit is government property, and if it’s ruined by this glue then you are going to have to pay for it! And if it doesn’t come out of my hair…” Her tone was much more menacing now, despite her quickly realizing that this was some very high-grade adhesive they were using.
“Don’t worry ma’am, we’ll make sure that fancy suit is nice and pressed,” came the sassier voice yet again, “Along with the rest of you!”
As the voice finished, a forklift-like vehicle drove its way into Agent Flach’s field of vision, the main difference being that this vehicle had a large metal plane in front of it instead of the tongs of a forklift. Like a precious little baby kitty cat wiggling its cute little bum before it pounces, the vehicle lined up with the panel. Then, with a creeping deliberation, it drove toward the trapped operative.
It wasn’t hard to put the pieces of the puzzle together, and when Jessica did her eyes widened. “Hey! Brats! This is not a joke! You reverse that hunk of junk right now or your asses are going to juvie! Hrrrngh!” She looked around and pulled against the glue yet again, but none of it did anything to combat what seemed inevitable.
“But you said to show us what we’re working on in here,” the intercom responded, “And that’s exactly what we’re doing. Now, say cheese, Agent Flat!”
“A-Agent Flat?! It’s Agent Jessica Flach to you, you ungrateful little- nnngh!” Jessica’s rant was interrupted by the vehicle’s panel touching the tip of her boobs. At this point, it seemed like it was deliberately slowed down, likely because its operator was feeling a bit sadistic.
“I’m serious! You kids are in real trouble now! You let me go this instant or else I’ll hmmm mmmmph mmmrrrph!”
Squeeeelch~
A satisfying sound accompanied the flattening of Agent Jessica Flach. Her battle-trained body, despite years of effort and training, offered no resistance to the merciless metal, which easily crushed her to the thickness of a sheet of paper. Jessica’s whole existence was filled with an overwhelming pressure crushing every inch of her, each tiny bit of her squeezed and compressed to the point of losing an entire dimension. It certainly wasn’t as painful as being shot on the job; in fact, it was more uncomfortably tight than painful. However, as one might expect, it was far from pleasant for her.
She had nothing to do but silently fume and rage between the two hard walls of her new prison. It didn’t last for too long though, as she soon felt the cold metal of the vehicle back off from her. What was left stuck to the first panel was a paper-thin poster of Jessica, her limbs splayed out and flushed with the steel and her face frozen in an indignant, rage-induced grimace. Well, at least that’s what it was meant to be. The slow crushing had distorted her face a bit; her bottom and top lip were slid slightly to the left and right side of her face respectively, and despite brow furrowing in a clear display of anger, her slightly crossed eyes made her whole predicament seem like a joke.
Before too much longer, the sounds of activity deeper in the factory signaled the arrival of the hoodlums guilty of the recent squishing. The three young ladies had covered their faces in cloth masks that sufficiently hid their identity, but a glance at their wild hair styles and punkish outfits were an instant giveaway that these girls were from a completely different world from Jessica.
“Ay, it worked like a charm!” one of them said upon seeing the flattened agent.
“Ahahaha!” the second one laughed, “Oh my god, she looks ridiculous like that! Aaaahahaha!”
The third one tutted, “Told ya we don’t like cops telling us what to do. But we did show you one of our inventions, so that means you’ll let us go, right?” She finished with a smug grin.
“Hrrrm mmrrph mmmph hrrrm!” Jessica tried to unleash a barrage of beratement unto the group but was unable to even manage forming words in her current state.
“What’s that? You’re letting us go? Awww, how sweet, miss police lady!” taunted one of the girls.
“And you want to be pressed even tighter? I think we can help with that!” said another.
“Hrmmmph!?” Jessica let out the most indignant murmur possible. She once again tried to pull herself away, but the effort was even more pathetic than when she was fully three-dimensional.
“Awww, that’s so cute! She thinks she can break out of the glue!”
“She’s gonna be real mad when she finds out it dissolves with water,” explained one of the punks as she uncapped a bottle of the stuff. She walked up to Jessica and poured the bottle over her, soaking the defenseless poster but dissolving the adhesive keeping her stuck to the metal panel.
Like a sticky hand toy slowly parting ways with a car window, Jessica gently peeled off the panel until suddenly flopping onto the floor. Immediately upon being freed, she tried to spring into action as she would normally do. This was a failed effort. She twitched on the ground a bit and groaned instead.
“Wow, she’s trying real hard to move. Don’t worry babe, you won’t have to worry about that for long,” teased one punk.
“Oh my god, you really do get a crush on every hot girl you see,” another responded.
“Shut uuuup! I know I wasn’t the only one who thought she looked like a porn actress version of a cop.”
“Nnnrrrggh!” was the sound of the wet poster on the floor. Jessica was beyond furious; not only were they demeaning her body, they were demeaning her professional career! She desperately wanted to reach for her handcuffs but made no progress in doing so.
While the other two girls conversed, the third bent down and lifted the paper-thin agent into her hands. Without warning, she violently waved her hands up and down, waving Jessica like a sheet and flinging water off her. Jessica grunted with every shake. It felt like going through the world’s most jerky amusement park ride while being stuck under an anvil. Yet, despite the pressure, her body was so floppy and almost free feeling. It was a disorienting mix of sensations.
When the punk finally finished drying her off, Jessica’s addled mind remembered stories of victims who had been flattened by criminals. Some claimed they wound up enjoying the experience by the end of it. While Jessica did feel a certain tingle down there, she was definitely not in the headspace to enjoy it.
“Alright ladies, let’s introduce Agent Whatshername to her new home,” a member of the trio hummed. The three of them then went back up into their lair, a furious and concerned flatty in tow.
------Later again------
“Hey, we got a donation for ya.”
The clerk at Greatwill turned around and was greeted by three masked girls of various hair colors.
“Oh! Um, sure! What do you have?”
“Here ya go, bud,” replied the girl in the middle. She reached into her leather jacket and pulled out a picture frame, then handed it to the employee.
“Ah, it’s… um…” the man looked at the picture inside curiously. Taking up most of the frame was the uncomfortably squashed and angry face of Jessica. It was an incredibly tight fit, but after enough folding, creasing, and refolding, the punks had managed to cram the entirety of their captured cop into an everyday picture frame. Of course, the clerk had no idea who this face was, let alone that it was sentient and looking back at him.
“It’s art,” said one of the girls matter-of-factly.
“Yeah, it’s about how girls are trapped by looks. Like, breaking the glass ceiling and all,” added another.
“You’re a dude, you wouldn’t get it,” said the last.
The clerk tilted his head, then shrugged. “Guess someone will want to buy it. People have weird taste.”
“Yeah, just let us know when it gets sold. Someone put their whole body and soul into that picture, y’know,” replied a punk, “Wanna make sure it gets a good home.”
“…Ok. Thanks girls!”
The punks left the store, snickering to themselves as they exited. Once gone, the clerk went to a label maker and printed out a new label. He slapped a sticker reading “$10” onto the frame and placed it on a shelf full of other knickknacks and decorations.
The highly trained, highly experienced Agent Jessica Flach now found herself stuck in a picture frame, under unbearably tight pressure, unable to so much as twitch a muscle in her body, and completely and utterly humiliated to her very core. A mirror on the shelf across from hers allowed her to see that she had become a mockery of her usual self, and showed her how much she was worth in retail.
“Ten dollars!?” Jessica thought to herself “If this loser clerk knew my salary…! Nnrrrgh!” Jessica tried, as she had many times in the last few hours, to somehow break free from the picture frame, but it was no use. A simple lock on the outside of the humble picture frame all but ensured that the fearsome asskicker was utterly helpless until someone thought to unlock it. But until then, all Agent Flach could do was fume and try to concoct an escape plan from within her new, extra small home. As she saw customers walk into her limited field of view, she tried to squirm enough to be noticed or make a squeak loud enough to hear, but the most she would get was a quick glance or curious observation before they would move on to the store’s other merchandise.
Feeling herself burning with humiliation, Flach once again glanced at the mirror across from her. This time she noticed her face was noticeably pinker than before due to an embarrassed blush.
“That’s it!” Jessica thought to herself, “If I can just tactically blush, I can get someone to notice me!” She felt triumphant for a moment, then her mood soured again.
“…Have I really been reduced to tactical blushing?” If she could have rubbed her forehead in frustration, she would have. “Well Jessica, if you don’t want to be stuck as some weirdo’s knickknack, you’d better start trudging up those embarrassing high school memories.”
And so began the agent-turned-product’s attempts at training herself to blush on cue. At this point, only time will tell if she pulls it off, but if not, she does make for quite a cute decoration.