A group of guys were chatting in the mall, waiting for some of their associated girlfriends to finish shopping.
“Hey Mike,” called one the muscular one with sandy hair. “You coming over to watch the big game tomorrow?”
Mike shrugged. “Sorry, Guy. Jacqueline’s got a big tournament tomorrow, and I’m going to go support her.”Guy guffawed, a braying laugh that set everyone else’s nerves on edge. “A tournament? What sort of sport does she play, tiddlywinks?”
Mike waved as his short, slightly overweight girlfriend approached, a single bag in her hands. “Hey sweetie. I was just telling Guy that I’d rather spend tomorrow with you.”Jacqueline smiled, and went up on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek. “Excellent, I wouldn’t be able to do it without you.”
“Bah. I’d rather watch a real sport.”“I don’t care for football. Too pointless,” Jacqueline said with a moue of distaste.
“Don’t care for... What sort of lily-livered bloodless wimp are you?”Jacqueline glared at Guy, then turned to Mike. “Are you really going to let him insult me like that?”
Mike considered this for a moment. “You’re right. You’ve hacked on her for far too long, Guy. This in particular is beyond the pale.”“So what are you going to do about it?” asked Guy.
"Excuse us for a moment," Mike said. He left with Jacqueline, to hoots of derision from Guy.His return was announced by the clash of a heavy metal gauntlet landing at Guy's feet.
"What the hell, dude? You nearly scuffed my shoes.""You know exactly what this means. I challenge you to a duel for Jacqueline's honor." Mike handed Guy a card. "Be here, seven pm tonight. You'll have your choice of weapon."
Guy blinked in surprised. "A duel? Are you... you're not kidding. Fine. I accept." Then he looked down at his feet, puzzled. "But where the hell did you find a gauntlet?"Mike didn't answer. He just scooped up the gauntlet and said, “Bring a second. Boris might be a good choice.” Guy looked over at Boris curiously, and he shrugged.
Mike walked back to the mall's Venn Machine. A moment later, Jacqueline hopped out and gave him a big hug. "OK, that was weird, kind of... clanky. Did he accept?""Yep. Hook, line and stinker."
Jacqueline’s eyes lit with unholy glee. "Excellent."At seven pm Guy and Boris got out of Boris’s car in the mostly empty parking lot of an abandoned mall. “Are you sure you got this right?” asked Guy.
Boris chuckled. “I’ve been here before. Come on.”They made their way to a hole in the wall, where they came under the scrutiny of two immensely muscled bouncers. “State your business,” said the one on the right.
“Hey Jorge. This is Guy, here on a matter of honor,” said Boris.Jorge smiled broadly. “Ah yes. Your counterpart is waiting inside. Come with me.” He opened the heavily barred door with ease, and ducked through it.
Less than a minute later, Boris and Guy were facing Mike and Jacqueline in front of the empty mall’s still-standing Venn Machine.Mike stared Guy down. “Last chance to apologize.”
“Are you kidding?”Mike nodded, “So be it. Boris, can you show him the arena while we prep?”
Boris nodded, and led Jorge up a short flight of stairs to the seconds’ viewing gallery. It was only one story above the scarred concrete floor of the Monster Wars arena, and provided a heavily armored viewpoint for the designers of the battling forms. “OK, out there is the arena. Mike will enter from the left over there, and you’ll enter from the right. There’ll be three deep subsonic growls to start the fight, and three at the end.”“So how does it end?”
Boris chuckled. “You’ll know.”There was a loud snarl from down below, and they both spun around to see Jacqueline and a nine foot tall dinosaur emerging from the Venn Machine.
“What the hell is that?” whimpered Guy.“Ooh, looks like he went with a classic velociraptor.”
The velociraptor posed, showing off it’s unusually muscular arms, longer and heavier than normal for the breed. The oversized middle claws slashed at the air, then it spotted them in the viewing box and stomped closer. It’s head was only a few feet away when it roared its defiance once more, nearly deafening them and spattering saliva against the protective plexiglass. Massive jaws clashed closed, then opened again to show off teeth the length of Guy’s hand. Those jaws could bite a human in half as easily as snapping a toothpick.The display left Guy cowering behind Bruno. With a dismissive snort the velociraptor turned away. It strode gracefully and noiselessly to the holding area at the right gate.
“C’mon, champ. Let’s go get you changed. What do you want to be?”“I have to fight... that?” Guy’s voice quivered.
Boris set up the Venn Machine, and gestured his friend inside. “I’ll set you up with all the armor you could want, claws, whatever you like.”“God... You are serious. You want me to fight that thing?”
“You accepted the duel. Your body will be your weapon. So... what will it be?”Guy cast through his memories for the most armoured dinosaur he could think of. “Ankylosaur. Something to stop those claws.”
“One ankylosaurus coming up. Want extra spikes on the tail club?”“Hm? Just give me lots and lots of armor.”
“You’re the boss...” Ben said dubiously, but did as he was asked. After a couple minutes’ work he asked, “Ready?”“Fuck no. But do it anyway. I won’t back down.”
Guy found himself in a huge body, that only fit in the Venn Machine because it was up on its hind legs. When the door opened, he fell out and landed with an earth-shattering thud. The top of his massive body was plated with interlocking spiky scutes, and his tail ended in an enormous rounded club. Boris made sure to stay far, far away from that, and skittered back up to the second’s booth. “Hey, Guy! Head around to the left, so we can get this started!”Guy snarled an incoherent reply, but lumbered in the indicated direction.
The announcer took his podium, and called out to the modest crowd. “We have a warm-up fight for you tonight before we get to the main event. On my left we have Guy M., in his first fight ever at Monster Wars. Let’s give this brave man a big round of applause!”There was only scattered cheering as Guy’s imaged flashed up on the screen, then his muscular form was replaced by the armor-plated ankylosaurus. “A classic choice, if somewhat defensive.”
“And on my right, we have Mike L., veteran of 6 fights to date, of which he has won only two.” The image of Mike’s trim form flashed up on the screen, followed by a live feed of the velociraptor in its pen. “Oh, and another classic. Looks like we have a dino vs. dino fight on our hands. Since this is a matter of honor, rather than a matter of glory, the principals have asked that no betting take place on this fight. Don’t worry folks, there’ll be plenty to bet on in tomorrows Tournament of Champions! Since there’s no betting to worry about let’s get this spectacle started!”At his gesture, the gates opened, and the ankylosaurus lumbered into the ring. The velociraptor prowled through its gate, moving fluidly and gracefully to take up a position opposite its foe. It screamed a defiant roar, which the ankylosaurs answered weakly.
The gates closed, then a deep, grating rumble sounded three times. The ankylosaur looked confused for a moment, then swung its club back and forth, threateningly. The velociraptor dashed to one side, then the other, watching the ankylosaur scramble to orient toward it. It nipped in for a quick claw-strike that bounced off that massive back armor, and dodged nimbly back as the massive tail club swung toward it.This was repeated two more times, costing the ankylosaurus nothing more than scratches on a few scutes. The club was far too slow to come close to connecting with the velociraptor.
The fourth rush ended much differently. The raptor cut in front of the ankylosaurus, and dipped briefly into a crouch. A rising blow powered by those massive legs and one hugely muscled forearm struck the underside of the ankylosaurus with a thunderous crash. Fragments of bone spattered against the plexiglass armor of the viewing areas. The blow sent the ankylosaurus flying, spinning end over end until it fetched against the concrete wall of the arena with a crunch.The velociraptor prowled toward its stunned opponent as the ankylosaurus attempted to stagger to its feet. Before it could orient itself, the raptor struck again, shattering more of that armored carapace, and sending the ankylosaurus flying once more.
A third blow ripped off half the carapace, and left the ankylosaur lying on its back, whimpering in fear and pain. It struggled to right itself, thrashing with its tail and legs. The velociraptor dashed in and snapped at a foreleg with its mighty jaws, coming away with the bulk of the limb.The ankylosaurus’ cries became more frantic as it watched its foe fling its leg across the arena to shatter against the wall. Another snap of those mighty jaws ripped off the other foreleg, sending it tumbling after the first.
Blood was pouring from both wounds, making the concrete around the ankylosaurus slippery. So when the velociraptor dashed in to tear at a hind-leg, it slipped, and that mighty tail finally scored a blow. It hit one of the velociraptor’s legs with a sickening thud, and sent the faster dinosaur tumbling.A weak cheer rose from the crowd, and the velociraptor glared up at them. There was blood in its eyes as it stormed back to the helpless ankylosaurus, and slowly lowered its jaws over the armored dinosaur’s exposed neck.
Slowly, almost tenderly, those massive jaws closed. The ankylosaurus squealed once, then gurgled, and finally was still. With a final jerk of its head, the velociraptor tore the ankylosaurs’ throat out, tossed the bloody mass aside, and roared its victory to the heavens.The three rumbles sounded once more, and the raptor retreated to its holding area to the cheers of the crowd. It waited there while the cleanup crew scooped up the ankylosaurus’ scattered parts, and dragged the carcass back to the Venn Machine.
Ben finally remembered to breathe, and turned to the woman beside him. “That was... brutal. He didn’t stand a chance.”“No. He didn’t. And now for the best part. Come on, let’s watch.”
Guy stumbled out of the Venn Machine then crumpled into a ball beside it, whimpering. Boris guided him safely away as the velociraptor approached the machine. A moment later the door reopened, and Jacqueline stepped out.Boris and Guy stared back and forth between Jacqueline and her twin uncomprehendingly.
“But... You were...” Boris stammered.Jacqueline strolled over to them casually. “I’m the real one. I turned Mike into my twin so you’d think you were fighting him. This was his idea, as you see... I’m the better fighter by far. I’ve won ten of my sixteen fights.”
The other woman coughed. “Eleven wins in seventeen fights. Assuming we count that slaughter out there.”Guy just trembled, whimpering softly as Jacqueline traced a fingernail across his jaw.
“So. How was your first duel to the death, Guy? Care to try for best two out of three?”Guy screamed, and fled the building.
Boris snorted dismissively. “Wuss. I’d dialed the pain receptors down to 10%, just like you guys usually do. So how long are you staying in Jacqueline’s body, Mike?”“Mmm, dunno. I was thinking I might go home like this.”
Boris shook his head. “Whatever turns your crank, man. I couldn’t hack losing limbs like that, and the dying...” He shuddered. “No thank you. It was a rush, but twice was enough. This, however?” He looked at his friend, in his female body. Jacqueline slinked up against her sweetie, and gave her twin a kiss.“This, I just don’t get.”
Mike lingered in the kiss for a time, then turned to Boris with a sweet smile. “Your loss.”