A Silly Little Cold 

By Hugo Prosperio 

Commission For MikeruKuma

(Originally Published on Patreon in April 2022)

Matt didn’t even realize what had happened two weeks prior when he walked through the strange alley trying to take a shortcut home, but a strange looking man with pale skin and a reddish nose had walked past him and suddenly he sneezed. A bunch of glitter burst out of his nose and he apologized quickly and then quickly moved on. The glitter had stuck to his face and clothing, which was annoying, but it was just a harmless prank, so he went about his day, and thought nothing of it…

…Until two weeks had passed and he felt like death warmed over. He had been stuffed up for a few days, a cold that rivaled any he had ever had before. He woke up with his head feeling like a balloon ready to pop and he made his way to the bathroom, looking in the mirror. His nose looked slightly swollen and red.

“Stupid cold. My poor node” he said, his stuffy nose making him sound quite ridiculous. He then felt the need to sneeze building, and despite a massive effort to try and stifle it, he couldn't

ACHOO!

With the sneeze, he watched his reflection change in a way that was astonishing and shocking. His hair flew up into a giant red afro while his nose grew larger, rounder and a turned shiny color of red.

“What the hell?”

He barely had time to react as another sneeze began to build. It blew out of his new round nose like an airhorn, and in seconds he felt his entire body stretch upwards. His torso, legs and arms were all stretched like taffy, thin and wobbly while his head smacked into the ceiling with an embarrassing thud sound.

“Ow.” he muttered. “What is happening to me?” he added, noticing that his voice sounded like he had sucked several balloons worth of helium.

He ducked his head down and looked in the mirror and saw more of his face had changed. It was now pale white, with ruby red lips that had cracked into a smile he couldn’t control.

“Oh my god, I look like a clown.” he gasped. “Wait. That clown in the alley. He sneezed on me…ee…ee..ahhhhhCHOO!”

With this latest sneeze his entire body felt like it was compressing in on itself, the long gangly look that it sported shifting and contorting down to a rather compact, short pudgy frame, thick and bulging, and he looked down at his feet which had stretched forward and grown three times as large as before.

“Ahhhh!” he shouted, his voice sounding even squeakier than before. “This can’t be happening” he said as he backed up, but his bigger feet made him stumble, falling on his thick bottom. As he landed he let out another sneeze, which blasted him out of his bathroom and into the hallway of his small apartment. As he flew out of the bathroom, his head made contact with the wall in his hallway and it went right through, right into the next apartment, where a small child was witness to this odd clown sticking out of the broken plaster.

“Sorry.” he said as he quickly pulled his head out of the wall and sat up.

“How do I fix this? I can’t just call my doctor. He wouldn’t understand. ” he said before another sneeze stretched his limbs back to normal, but he still had a rather round torso.

Matt looked through the bathroom door and back into the mirror and simply couldn’t believe what he was seeing. An oddly shaped clown, a curly afro of hair, with a big red nose smack in the middle of his face. It was…comical. He let out a laugh, which sounded very odd in his new voice, but it felt good to let it out. So he laughed again.

Soon he couldn’t stop laughing, which worried him as he was running out of breath. “Hahaha okay I need to heheheheh stop doing hahahahahahaha this”

He walked down the hall towards the living room when another sneeze blasted out of his bulbous nose.

“Oh no.” he muttered in between chuckles.

His body didn’t seemingly change but his nose got larger on his face.

“Oh great, bigger nose means bigger sneezes. Where is my cold medicine? Maybe that will be Ahhhh AHHHH  CHOOOO!”

This time his body changed quite a bit. It became very muscular, and he looked like a cartoon body builder as his chest swelled up into massive pectorals and his biceps bulged. He looked at himself and let out another goofy giggle as he flexed.

“Well this one isn’t so bad, hehehe” he said. “NO, I can’t think like that. I need to go back to that alley and see if I can find that clown.”

He darted to his room, his new muscular legs carrying him faster than he was used to. He paused for a moment then poked his red nose trying to get a sneeze to happen. “I won’t fit in any of my clothing if I look like this” he said.

The poking worked and soon he sneezed himself back down to a much skinnier human form. He still looked like a crazy conehead clown, but this time his body proportions were much closer to his normal look. He put on a baggy pair of sweatpants and a loose shirt, just in case, and swiped an old beanie hat to cover his head, and finally a face mask over his mouth and nose.

“Thank goodness for masks being a thing right now. Alright. Let’s go find a clown”

He found himself standing in the empty alley, which looked a lot less foreboding in the daylight.

“Okay, let’s see if anything here screams clown”

He turned around and walked smack into someone and when he glanced at their face he gasped.

“CLOWN!” he screamed.

“Yeah, same to you, pal!” the clown said. He had green hair, styled very normally, but the rest of him was clearly a clown. Big red nose, wide smile, and a cute red suit jacket that suited him nicely.

“Why you dressed like your house was on fire and all your clothes burned?” he asked curiously of the man. “Clowns usually dress a bit nicer, unless they are hobos” he added.

“I’m not a clown…or at least I wasn’t before this morning” he stated. “I started sneezing and each sneeze…ahhh…ahhhhh…AHHHCHOO”

He shot down in height back down to the compact shortstack look he had earlier in the bathroom, his pants sliding off and his shirt hanging on him like an empty potato sack.

“Oh my goodness. You have a clown cold!” he said. “You must have caught it from a clown.”

“I did! I got sneezed on by a clown in this very alley” he said looking around, trying to hike his pants back up.

“Ah, yes, well, one of the few portals to our homeland, Clowntopia, is right here in this alley.” he said. “We take little day vacations to the human world sometimes. You must have met someone who was really sick. Normally our colds don’t transmit to humans like this.”

“Is there any way to stop the ACHOO” he tried to ask as he sneezed and suddenly he was the size of a toy, his clothing now completely useless.

“Yes, as a matter of fact, it’s lucky you ran into me, as I am a clown doctor. It’s my day off, but for a case this serious, I’ll make an exception.” he said, leaning down, picking up the shrunken man. “Let’s get you looking like you fit in.” he noted as he sprinkled something over Matt’s clothing, which began to shrink and form into a cute little formal suit, but with wacky colors. Red and blue and orange ribboned through the fabric. The baggy jacket covered a cute vest which in turn was placed over a puffy white shirt with a wavy texture that stuck out over the vest like feathers on a proud duck. Tight pinstripe trousers, the pinstripe being red and white, made up the pants, and even a pair of oversized fancy shoes for a clown’s big feet.

“This will shrink and grow with you as you change, because my cure will take some time to work.” He admitted as he helped the tiny Matt slip into the new outfit. It was a bit baggy on him, but it looked like he was ready to host a comedy show or something like that. Finally a large silly red bowtie with white polka dots appeared around his neck to finish the ensemble.

“Try not to sneeze for a little bit. I like this jacket and don't need you busting it apart.” He giggled as he turned around and walked deep into the alley until he reached a door, the border of which was glowing green.

“Hang on tight, little friend.” he said with a smirk as he opened and stepped through.

For Matt, it felt like he was on the fastest roller coaster he had ever been on, his entire body pressed against the lining of the pocket, and he couldn’t help but sneeze, but luckily it didn’t change his size…it just flattened him.

Only a few moments had passed, but it felt like ages for Matt.

“Are you doing okay in there?” asked the clown as he reached into the pocket and pulled out the paper thin little figure. “Guess you had a sneeze or two in there, huh.”

“Help.” was all the little clown could get out.

“Let me get that for you” he said, tickling the flat clown’s little nose and suddenly with a loud sneeze, he poofed back into a 3D form, and he was now bigger. He wasn’t quite full sized but he was not toy sized, thank goodness. He looked down and noticed that his hands had inflated and now resembled toon gloves, three fingers and all.

“Oh man.” Matt muttered. “At least I’m not naked anymore.”


“Yes! Worry not, friend. Let me whip up something for you and we’ll have you on the mend!”

The doctor went over to the counter where beakers and bottles sat filled with liquids and powders. He sped about with an inhuman speed, pouring stuff from vials and bottles into a small flask. He shook it up and added more ingredients and watched it fizz as he topped it off.

“Here. Drink this” Said the clown handing it to Matt. He looked down at it and hesitated but it was his one shot to stop this craziness. So he gulgged it down. It tasted a bit like cotton candy mixed with medicine. It was not pleasant.

“Yuck” he said with a visible look of disgust

“Expecting fruit punch, were you?” The doctor clown giggled.

“I don’t know what I…expected.” he said as he felt a rumble in his stomach.

Suddenly his arms and legs shot out growing longer and noodly as his neck  followed suit, and he felt himself stretching towards the ceiling of the doctor’s office.

“ACK!” he gulped, but just as quickly as it had happened, it unhappened. His limbs shrank back, neck slunk down to a normal position and suddenly he felt very strange all over as the pale tone he had taken on began to gain color back to it, the patchy peach color it had been prior.

“Oh thank goodness.” He sighed as he also felt his hair start to pull back into a normal hairdo although it still stayed red.

“Some things won’t go away quick, like the hair color, or your feet.” he said pointing at the overgrown appendages. “But in a week or so you’ll be right as rain, '' he said.

“Thank you, Doc!” he said, reaching out to shake the clown’s hand, which gave him a shock as they clasped together.

“Should have seen that coming” Matt said as his red hair stood on end for a moment before falling back down.

“Eh, it’s an oldie but a goodie,” he said, revealing the joy buzzer. “Now, be wary of any changes that happen in the next week, oh and, don’t let yourself be seen by any humans. That will stop the healing process in its tracks?”

“How does that work?” Matt asked.

“Best not to question things not meant to be understood by human minds. Anywho, let’s get you home” the doctor said.

He smiled and took out a small wooden door from a pocket and placed it on an empty wall of the office and then tapped it three times and it expanded into a full sized door. The door creaked open and he saw a swirling wall of colors, like a living, breathing tie dye t-shirt.

Matt gulped and found himself walking into the swirl and in a flash he found himself in his apartment. He turned and watched a door disappear with a loud pop sound and everything was normal once again. Except for him, of course. Matt still sported a clowny look, but he felt like he was improving. His nose no longer itched like it was always getting close to sneezing.

“Finally, I can try to be me again” He said with a contented sigh as he walked down the hall to his living area. “No one can see me here in this place, should be safe to get rid of this wacky cold.”

Several hours passed. He had watched some television, played some games on his phone (which was hard given his fingers were still cartoony gloves, but he managed) and just propped his large feet up and relaxed as much as he could.

“Time for bed, I think.” he said as he got up and walked down the hall to head to his room when he suddenly felt the tickle in his nose. “Oh no.” he said but before he knew it an earth shattering sneeze blasted out of his nose, which had gotten a bit smaller since taking the cure, but now it enlarged back up to a full clown nose and he began to shrink and change.

Soon he was a pear shaped clown with a massive rear end and his head wobbled a bit as he adjusted to his new changes. “OH man. This is gonna be a long week.” he said looking around. He was toy sized again, his feet even bigger than before and his hands were very much still thick gloved fingers.

“Well, now what?” he muttered before he heard a small giggle. He turned and saw the hole in the wall from one of his earlier transformations and he gasped. A large face looked through, the face of the child who had been in the room when he broke the wall.

“Oooh a cute little clown toy” Said her squeaky little voice which sounded like something out of a horror film to poor Matt as he watched a massive hand reach through the whole.

“No no no, I can’t be seen by other people, the doc was very specific about that.” he said, turning to try and run, but his big feet tripped him up. He hit the ground with a silly splat, and his nose let out a honk as hit the floor too.

He felt large fingers wrap around him and they picked him up like a rag doll. The monstrous hand pulled him through the whole in the wall, and held him up to the face of the smiling child, which to Matt was the most nightmarish thing he could imagine.

“Little Girl, I am not a toy, please put me back” he said, his voice sounding small and not at all cool.

“Oh you are so silly, of course you are a toy, You are my toy. I’ll call you Mr. Bingo.” she giggled. “You call me Miss Kate”

“No please, I can’t be seen by humans or I won’t turn back!” He said.

“I said you call me MISS KATE” she said, a bit of anger flaring up in her face, and she gave him a very uncomfortable squeeze.

“I’m Sorry. Miss Kate.” he said, wheezing a bit. She smiled and loosened her grip and then walked over to the large dollhouse that sat next to her bed. She placed him inside and closed upt the doll house. Her large face looked in through one of the fake windows and he could see her smiling.

“Welcome home, Mr. Bingo” she giggled.

“Thank you Miss Kate” he said with a gulp.

“Oh no.” he sighed before…ACHOOOOOOOOO!

He felt himself shrinking once again, this time the once properly sized (to him, anyway) dollhouse became massive, the plastic furniture now towering above him. He squeaked in fear and sadness as he looked around, a tiny little speck of a clown trapped in a dollhouse in a little girl’s bedroom.

“This is gonna be tougher than I thought,” he said.

The End.