Looner’s Party Service: The Mayhem Society
A Tale from Clowntopia by Hugo Prosperio
Inspired in part by Nova the Inkwolf
Chapter Two: Gathering the Society
Standing in the empty function hall they had rented, Scott and Susan looked around at the tables and chairs set up. Everything was kept plain, and it was rather boring in contrast to the bar where they had met the clown they hired for their evening’s entertainment. That didn’t matter to the two of them as it suited their purposes for the function they were holding.
“Invitations went out okay?” Susan asked
“And we have received replies from all members. It’s going to be a fine evening.” he replied to her.
“Are we biting off a bit more than we can chew?” asked Susan. The tone of the clown’s conversation with them, and watching the transformation of the dim girl they had tricked into joining them was a bit disconcerting, despite the obvious level of thrill.
“We do that quite a lot, sweetie.” he said as he hugged her. “And besides, we have the Norms coming too.”
“Norms?” she said. “I don’t recall discussing that.”
To members of the Mayhem Society, the term Norm referred to anyone not in the society, a normal person with normal goals and desires, not a near-suicidal need for adventure and risk.
“We did, when we first started planning this little venture. Each member can bring a Norm or two with them to spice things up, after all, there is nothing more thrilling than offering a figure like Looner a totally hapless rube, no?”
“Well, I suppose so, and it might take some of the heat off us society members.” she said.
“Susan. Are you NERVOUS about a society outing?” Scott asked incredulously.
She shook her head. “Absolutely not. Just...we’ve never pulled on a tiger’s tail quite like this.” she added.
“Sweetheart, we’ve literally pulled on a tiger’s tail and we are still here. Looner may do some wacky things, but at the end of the day, we’ll come out stronger and ready for the next thrill, although I think it will be hard to top.” He replied.
“I suppose you are right, and I will admit, it was quite thrilling to watch it happen to, oh...whatever her name was.”
“Yes, indeed. Now SHE got a bit more than she could chew, for sure. We however will be fine.”
“Of course we will. The Mayhem Society always prevails!” She said, feeling much more reassured. Nerves weren’t something she was accustomed to, and she was glad to put that feeling behind her.
“Pour the champagne, dear, our guests are arriving. I’ll go and give our entertainment their cue.” he said, pulling out the business card, looking at the small balloon on it. He rubbed his thumb over it, the texture feeling like a real rubber balloon, which took him by surprise, but it started to glow, and then the card disappeared with a puff of blue smoke.
“I hope that worked. Otherwise this shindig is for nothing.” he muttered to himself.
---
Back at Looner’s Bar, he had just finished closing up the bar, knowing he was expecting to get called away any second. He smiled as he surveyed his empty domain. It was home to so much magic and mayhem, and he loved every second of it, but the small moments of peace and quiet were also nice. The only sounds were coming from the giggling disco ball above the bar, which he shushed.
“Just because some girl called you cute doesn’t mean you have to make noises about all night.” he said to the silver orb, who didn’t respond, but did stop giggling. He chuckled to himself and walked over and looked down at the little plastic bobble head clown on the front of the bar.
“How goes it, my little bobbing friend? I really should think of a name for you.” he said.
“I am good. Gosh you sure did some wonderful work turning folks into clowns today.” the little man said in his tinny sounding voice.
“Thank you. I am glad you appreciate the finer art of clown transformation. Now normally my decorations don’t get to leave the bar, but I really want you to see what is going to happen tonight.” he said with a smile as he picked up the toy and slid him into his pocket. For a pant pocket, it was very roomy, and he sat nestled snugly against the huge butt of the clown, which felt warm, almost invitingly so, like a comforting fire on a cold winter’s night.
“Now then, just have to wait for the...aha!” he said as he pulled out his own copy of the business card and saw the red balloon appear glowing on it. “Showtime.”
He then reached into his pants and dug around for a bit, sticking his tongue out in determination. “There you are.” he said as he pulled out a Hot Wheels sized yellow old fashioned clown car. “Forgot you were there for a while, but just what I need.” he said as he placed it down on the ground and tapped it with his finger and it started to grow larger and larger until it was the size of a proper gag clown car, just coming up to the waist of the big clown. Opening the door of the car, he stepped his foot in and found himself sucked in to fit, just as any clown car might do, and he saw the driver sitting in the front.
“Well, howyadoin’ Looner?!” the driver asked. “After I dropped you off at that last party, I was afraid I’d never see ya again.” he said. Over the several months since he turned the unsuspecting passing driver into his personal clown cabbie, the clown had changed, his voice deepening into a parody of a New York cab driver and he looked even sillier than before, with a brighter spread of colors of blue and red in his hair and on his face, as well as him looking older (and a bit chubbier, if Looner was being honest)
“Well, Cabbie, I am not gonna lie, kind of forgot you were down there, meant to use for a ride home and never did...but no matter, I need your magical wheels to take me to another gig tonight, if you are up for it.”
“A’course!” said the little driver. “Happy to help you anytime, bossman. Just tell me where too.”
“Well, just follow the directions on this” he said holding out the business car. “And use the expressway.”
“Ah, the Expressway. Messes up my hair, but what a thrill.” he said with a giggle and a wink rubbing the bald spot on his head jokingly.
“Thrill is the theme of the evening” Looner remarked as he buckled up and patted his pocket where the bobblehead sat.
The car started to shrink and zip around the bar floor like a wind up car when it suddenly floored it and disappeared in a flash before it hit the wall. The bar was now quiet, besides a giggling disco ball.
---
As the party began, the members of the society mingled about, sipping their drinks, and talking with their guests who mostly had no idea what this party was about. One young woman noted that there wasn’t really a dress code and most people were wearing outfits they might wear to a college social rather than the upscale to-do this was at least pretending to be.
“Did you do the business card thing?” Susan said, standing nervously besides Scott. He looked at her with a shrug.
“Yeah, I did what he said to do. I don’t know what else to expect?” He said when suddenly there was a strange smell in the air, like burnt ozone mixed with...popcorn, and a flash of light appeared. On the table where they had lined up champagne glasses, a small car burst out of a small hole in the air, and skidded across, narrowly avoiding the flutes that towered above it. It leaped off the table and hit the floor, and skidded forward before it started to grow and expand.
It spun around as it finished growing to the size of an oversized beach ball, with steam pouring off it from the tumultuous journey it had just undertaken. Slowly it increased in size to an average “clown” car that you might see as a gag in the circus. The crowd gasped and murmured as they stepped away from the odd looking vehicle that had just shown up.
“Knows how to make an entrance, I guess.” said Scott, looking impressed at the clown car.
The door to the car creaked open, and with a loud POP Looner burst out, with a big smile on his face as the party-goers got their first look at this massive ball of a...thing.
“TADA!” he said as he turned around. He waved to everyone, walking over to Scott and Susan with a big grin on his face. “Nice place, you guys set it up really nice. A bit ritzy for my taste, but we’ll work on that.” he said, as he watched the car shrink a bit and drive off the corner of the room, parking out of the way for now.
“Care to help me introduce myself?” The clown asked.
Scott nodded, and the two humans accompanied the clown to the center of the room where the rest of their guests had gathered.
“Good evening, members of our esteemed society, and the guests of our members, who we are so grateful to have. Tonight’s entertainment has just arrived, as you all saw, with that spectacular bit of showmanship there. This is Looner everyone!” Scott said to the crowd.
“Greetings, one and all! So this is the Mayhem Society?!” he said with a bow and a smile. “I am Looner, a clown from a world unlike any you have ever experienced, and I am told I have been brought here to give you the ultimate thrill. You see, where I come from, clowns are not just folks wearing a silly costume and makeup, we are real beings, and we possess what you would consider to be powerful magic. To us, it’s just part of our lives. Some choose never to use it, while others, like myself, use it all the time. I am here to show off that magic by using it to transform you wonderful party-goers into clowns and funny stuff all night long, which I am told is going to be quite the thrill for you all.” He announced.
The crowd seemed to barely react to the news. Quiet murmuring continued as the guests looked at the clown with curiosity.
“Yes, it’s a bold claim without any sort of proof, so I will do a demonstration to show you just what kind of fun you are in for tonight!” Looner said with a smile. “Susan, would you mind?” he said to the woman next to him, who looked taken aback.
“Me?” She said.
“You were looking for the thrill of being transformed, no?” Looner asked with a grin. Of all the people here, he knew was the most likely to know just how over her head she was, so it was delicious to watch the blood drain from her face as she approached
“Yes, I wanted to bring the thrill of this transformation you offer to all my brothers and sisters and their guests.” She said.
“Excellent. Stand right here” he said pointing beside him.
She did as she was instructed, and he smiled as he took out his bag of dust. She recognized the fancy bag from his demonstration at the bar, and she gulped a bit. “Yes, this will be quite thrilling,” she said.
He leaned in close. “Oh it will be.” he whispered as he sprinkled a pinch of the pouches contents over her head. She felt a quick tingle at the top of her scalp, and then she started to giggle as it spread through her entire body.
The audience of society members and their guests watched in awe as a glow started forming round her, and suddenly she began to change before their very eyes. Her skin started to turn white all over while her hair swirled up into a beehive updo red in color. Her nose began to swell up into a round orb on her face, while her flats burst open revealing big feet with red polish on the toes, flared out comically as she looked down.
“Hahaha oh my” she said, trying to convey her sense of worry, but she couldn’t escape her giggling, it was making everything seem so funny to her, like the huge feet she now sported.
Her clothing changed too, going from the cute top and skirt she had worn to a jumpsuit that fitted her body like a glove with frilled collars at her neck, wrists, and ankles. It had red polka dots all over and was quite festive, compared to the dull affair she had been wearing.
“Now then, she is clearly a clown now, but that’s so simple and really just a small part of my powers, so I am going to demonstrate even further by having my friend here help me make this party fun for everyone.” Looner said as he pulled a rather large bag from his overalls. “My trusty bag of tricks, and there is something for everyone in here, I assure you.”
He opened it and bent over leaning in, his whole upper torso sliding into the bag as he dug around, like a messed up carpet bag belonging to a strange clown rather than a magical nanny. He then shouted as he re-emerged.
“Aha, I had hoped I'd kept that.” he said as he pulled out what looked like a small cardboard tube with a pull string at the bottom. Big bold letters on the side said KABOOM! With a clown of colorful smoke around it. He placed the small tube, no bigger than the center of a paper towel roll on the ground. He turned and slapped a big gloved hand on Susan’s shoulder, and smiled. “Hop in,” he said.
At first she seemed confused, and then a jolt from his glove hit her and her mind fuzzed for a second. “Oh I just get in?” she asked with another prolonged giggle.
“Yep! All ya gotta do to help me, Suzie!” he said with a smile.
He watched the woman’s face fill with joy at the idea, the sense of unease she felt at first gone with that helpful shoulder slap. She walked over to the tube and simply raised one of her enlarged feet and placed the big toe towards the top of the tube and the girl suddenly began to suck into the tube, pulling down in a whirlwind of red and white as her body seemed almost like a liquid as it pulled inside the tube.
“Whooooooooooooooooo” came her voice as her head stopped at the top of the tube, clogging it for a moment. “See ya all in a bit” she said giddily as the head finally gave in and pulled down, vanishing.
“A round of applause for Susan, who is now going to spread some magic of her own here at the party” he said as he picked up the tube and the crowd began to clap slowly.
“Woah.” Scott said. He hadn’t expected his girlfriend to be first, and she was gone now, sucked into a tube which the clown then held aloft to the crowd.
“Get ready for something really fun!” he said with a joyous tone to his voice, as he pulled on the strong on the bottom, and a massive burst of confetti flew from the tube all over the room. It covered almost every inch of the room, and began to drift down slowly, tiny little pieces of paper that were shiny falling on every single guest of the party. One girl, a guest who was worried about what her friend had dragged her into, felt the confetti touch her head and she suddenly felt a wave of calm drift over her. That magic trick had been very cool and the transformation of the woman into a clown was kind of intriguing to her. She was okay with being at the party all of a sudden. She plucked the piece of confetti out of her hair and saw it was vaguely clown shaped, with an image of the clown that Susan had become smiling up at her. “Have fun” a tiny voice squeaked. “Enjoy the magic!”
All over the room, the many guests began to hear voices saying “Have fun, enjoy the magic” as they examined their confetti, and they all felt a similar sense of ease. This party was going to be fun, and they would be sure to enjoy the magic however it happened. Some of them believed it to be very talented magic tricks, while others could see the magic for what it was, a chance to take that step into the ultimate thrill, to become something crazy.
Some of the confetti began to fall into the bowl of punch, which was already pretty boozy, but now anyone who drank even a cup of it would be intoxicated beyond their normal limits, and very eager to experience the magic.
“Susan?” Scott asked as he looked at the confetti on the tip of his finger. “Yep! I hope you have fun and enjoy the magic, love! I know I am!” she said as she began to float away from him. The confetti around the room started to suck back into the tube, every single tiny piece flying back, waving and giggling as it passed the guests of the party. Soon, the tube was full again, and he placed it in his bag. “She was super useful. You are all ready for some magic now!” he said.
They all eagerly agreed, clapping loudly.
“Wonderful. Now then. This party needs some music” he said as he clapped his hands and out of the bag flew a large set of electronic turntables with huge cone like speakers, similar to an old Victrola record player sticking out on both sides of the otherwise modern DJ setup. It landed on a table behind him, and he smirked as he pointed over at Scott. “Would you care to do the honors?” he said
“Wow, I mean, I’ve never DJed before.” he said as he approached the clown, now fully ready to join in the fun.
“With these!” Looner said pulling an oversized pair of headphones out of the bag “You’ll be an expert in no time. Just put em on” he said as he handed them to the man.
“Wow, these are cool” he said as he took the large purple and white cups and placed them over his ears. Immediately his ears started to grow larger and stick out from the side as his skin started to get more pale. For now though, that was the extent of the changes as he walked over to the table and plugged the headphones in. His fingers tingle a bit as he started to spin the turntables, and music began to pour from the speakers, an electro tinged remix of Entry of the Gladiators, a song that was quite popular at Looner’s Bar, and already had the new DJ tapping his feet which began to feel tight in his shoes.
As the music played Looner reached into his bag and pulled out many items setting up a full display of things for people to enjoy during the party. He took out a bag of wrapped candies which he placed over by the punch bowl with a little card that read Eat Us! He also pulled out a big sign that read “ASK ME ABOUT LOONER’S COLLECTION” and set it down by where he had set up camp with his bag of tricks. He then smirked. “Been meaning to use this at a party!” he said as he pulled out what looked like a shrunken version of an inflatable pool and poured a glass of water into it and set it down on the table next to the punch bowl. He also threw an old tube television out of his bag and had it land on the other side of the room. “That should do for now. I can always add more later.” he said as he got everything organized.
“Okay, folks, we should be good to start! Feel free to explore the items I’ve put out, I’ll be putting on some tricks, and if you have any questions, feel free to ask.” he said. “Let the party begin! Who am I changing first?”
“That sign!” said a young man, stepping forward. “It says to ask about your collection? What does that mean?” He was a handsome young lad, skinny and his outfit was fitted to that form, skinny jeans and a tight t-shirt.
“Yeah” said the woman next to him. She had vibrantly dyed green hair that matched her style of a slightly more punkish look, a black shirt and ripped jean shorts with Doc Marten boots.
“Well, you see, I have a fairly large collection of clowns I look over!” he said. “They are my best pals and they live with me. It’s a bit hard to explain, but I can show you. Care to help me?” he said smiling at them.
“Yes please!” they said, almost in unison.
“Okay, pal, you first” he said pointing to the guy, “Come on over.” he said as he reached into his bag and pulled out another trusty tool of his, his sci-fi ray gun. “First step is simple, but required. You gotta become a clown. Good with that?”
“Yes sir, that sounds like a good time!” he said, cheerfully. Truthfully, several minutes prior he was wondering why those nuts Susan and Scott were in charge and setting up dumb events like this, but now he was fully on board. His guest was the same, first put off by the odd clown, but now fascinated by him.
“Alrighty then. I am gonna put this thing on random and see what kind of clown we get. Each blast from this will transform you, so let’s get started” he said aiming and firing. A slime green light began to pour around him from the gun’s emitter and he felt strange then started giggling.
As the green light around him subsided, the girl and those watching saw his head starting to shrink smaller. He looked around in awe as his head got tinier and tinier with each second, stopping when it was just about the size of a lime. His hair shrunk too, sucking into his scalp except at the top, and the tiny tuft left behind turned a green shade.
“He, Jay, your hair matches mine!” his girlfriend said.
“Me head feel odd!” he said in a squeaky voice and he used his hands to feel the shrunken part of his anatomy, gasping at how big they looked. “Head get real tiny!”
“Ah yes, speech is not so good with the brain shrunk, but it’s okay, it’s all making you a sillier clown” he said, firing the gun again, the green glow engulfing the man once more. His girlfiend shielded her face and squinted, trying to see what was happening, but the glow made it hard to spot any changes at first. When the light subsided, they watched as his lower body expanded, sucking up his legs mostly, hips and thighs rapidly expanding, taking some of his belly with him, giving him a huge pear shape. It looked like it was filled with liquid, as when he moved it sloshed around cartoonishly. His feet were stretching out of his shoes, which snapped and disappeared underneath the expanding flesh of his toes.
“Woah!” he squeaked. “All sloooshy slosshy!” he said.
“This is quite a look for you, man.” the girl said.
“You like, Ronni?” he asked.
“It’s certainly something,” she said. She didn’t notice Looner shifting settings and aiming the gun at her. When it fired, she felt a strange falling sensation as the green light bathed around her this tie. “Oh god!” she said as she felt it suck her downwards, but she also felt like she was pulling side to side,
When the crowd could finally see her changes, they noticed that she had gotten smaller, but most importantly most of her was round and smooth as a ball, her feet, hands, and head all that remained of her normal form.
“Holy moly that was wild!” she said.
Jay leaned over so his tiny head could see the new woman before him, now about half his height, but almost as wide as him with her round body.
“Now to finalize the both of you as silly wacky clowns!” he said as he fiddled with the gun and the light engulfed the two of them and they felt strange tingles all over, both in their skin and in their mind. SHe looked up and watched his arms get thinner and more noodle-like with gloved hands at the end, while gloves appeared on her hands, and wide floppy shoes hit her feet.
The light stopped and there stood two clowns. A pear shaped auguste with pink skin and white around his eyes and lips, who wore a pair of suspenders colored green with green sneakers adorning his feet. In his hands, he held a round ball whiteface who giggled and kicked her huge shoes, as she giggled, waving a tiny gloved hand.
“Introduce yourselves!” Looner said.
“I’m Jayjay!” said the male clown as his nose popped out into a green ball. He looked down at the girl in his hands, who despite her hefty size was rather light, he noted.
“I’m Riri!” she said as she felt her nose lengthen into a red tube that wobbled on her face.
“Excellent, and you two look like fine additions to Looner’s Collection, and since you are both clowns you meet the requirements! Now you just gotta agree to the terms.” he added as he held his breath and then rattled off a contract of sorts to them.
“Wethepartyinagreementdoherebysignawayallrightsandhumanitytojointhiscollectionandwillforeverbepropertyoftheclownnamedloonerwhowilltakecareofustothebestofhisablility. Do you agree?”
“Yes!” they said together.”
“Alright, all you gotta do is ask me to join then!” he said.
“We wish to join Looner’s Collection” they agreed, again in unison.
He smiled and pulled out the edge of his overall pants and watched as they started to float up in the air, and as they floated they began to reduce in size and suck downwards towards the open pants, and with one big “WOOOOSH” they were no longer in the room, and found themselves in a roomy pocket located inside of the pants, their new home.
Outside of his pants, the crowd clapped again, and he took a bow.
“So that’s the Collection, and anyone is welcome to join. Just ask!” he said, tapping the sign with a smirk as he watched the eyes of the crowd flicker with possibility. They may not all want to join, but they would all find a new life tonight, and he was ecstatic to be back in the game.