No Laughing Matter
By Hugo Prosperio
A Sequel of Sorts to Don’t Make Me Laugh
Comissioned by Bahamad
---
Two weeks had passed since the disappearance of Veronica James. Her last appearance at the police station had caused quite a ruckus, and left many confused and upset. Internal Affairs tried in vain to investigate the happenings, but they turned up nothing, and there was no sign of Veronica returning. It seemed that things had returned to some semblance of normalcy.
Then Officer Caitlin Scott got the giggles.
She couldn’t stop giggling. Everything was funny to her. The way the chief said her name when he asked for her paperwork was particularly delightful. She wanted to stop, but she didn’t know how. She felt so giddy about life and everything around her, a feeling she couldn’t explain. In the back of her mind, she kept thinking about the kiss that Veronica had given her before her disappearance.
On a Tuesday afternoon, the giggles got so bad she was sent home. She tried to plead with the chief in between laughs, but it won her no favors. On her way home, she laughed at the homeless man on the side of the street, shaking his tin cup, she laughed at the cat stuck up in a tree and the child at the bottom calling it’s name. She laughed and laughed, and tears slid down her cheek.
“What is wrong with me.” She said.
As she said that, she turned and saw a store sitting where she had thought a vacant alley had rested before. A joke shop.
“I shouldn’t.” she said, followed by a guffaw.
She did. She entered the shop, and that was the last time anyone saw Caitlin Scott.
---
TWO MONTHS LATER
The disappearance of two of their key officers had thrown the police office into disarray, and their investigation into Caitlin’s vanishing act had proved less than inspiring for Caitlin’s sister, Naomi. Over the course of a few weeks she realized they were no closer to finding her sister than she was, so she decided to take matters into her own hands. She spent days looking through every ad she could find for private investigators, trying to find just the right person for the job.
“So let me get this straight, your sister bursts into a day long giggle fit and then is never heard from again. Is that the gist of things?” asked Claire Renfield. She wore a black blazer over her blouse, as if it made her look more professional. It had seemingly worked on Naomi. Looking up at Claire, Naomi saw a streak of hot pink hair running through her mostly jet black locks. Something about it made Naomi think Claire was gutsy, it was part of the reason she had decided to hire her.
“Yes. That’s the gist.” Naomi sighed. “You don’t think there is a case, do you? I’ve had four other people say the same thing.”
“No, I think there is quite a case here, but I am curious as to why you chose me. Most see my attire or my hair and think I am some Nancy Drew wannabe and disregard any actual talents I may have.”
“You look confident and strong.” Naomi said. “I think that’s what I need to find my sister. Someone who can get the job done.”
“I appreciate that. Now, give me more information about how your sister was acting before her disappearance”
Naomi spoke of how quiet and reserved Caitlin always had been, and how suddenly she would burst into fits of giggles.
“The night her fellow officer, Ronnie or something, vanished, she came home for dinner with me and my boyfriend, she was acting so strange, and then when my boyfriend talked about his mother’s struggle with her broken arm, she started laughing, and couldn’t stop. From then on, every day, she’d have at least one long laugh at something, usually something inappropriate.” Naomi said.
“That is odd behavior to be sure, but could it have been something going on in her personal life? Perhaps she took up...”
“Drugs? She would never!” Naomi said.
“I was going to say stand up comedy.” Claire said with a chuckle. . The look on Naomi’s face told her it was not appreciated.
“This is no laughing matter!” she shouted.
“No, it isn’t. Sorry. Well, I think I’ll need to start at the police department. The chief won’t be thrilled to see me, but I won’t give up until I have answers.” Clair stated as she stood up and shook Naomi’s hand.
“I will report as soon as I find something.” she added as she set out to solve the strange mystery of Caitlin Scott
---
Chief Ronald Crump sat in his office, sipping from a cup of coffee. He glanced up at the motivational poster hanging on his wall. It said something about “hang in there.” but his thoughts were drifting to the circus, to fun life. He often thought back to the strange day when his most stuck up officer waltzed into his office and fucked him silly. Silly, he thought, what a fun word.
“Sir.” came a voice of one his top officers. “someone to see you.” he said as he led in a woman. It was a woman he didn’t wish to see, as every time he met Claire Renfield trouble was soon to follow.
“Please, Ms. Renfield, have a seat.” he said, his lovely daydream dashed.
“Thanks for seeing me, Captain Crump.” she said. “I know you have lots on your plate. I am here about the disappearance of...”
“Office Scott, yes I heard her sister had hired you. I am not sure what else I can tell you to help, we know very little besides her giggling fits.”
He sighed. He had thought Caitlin’s giggle fits would lead to another wild outing in his office. Sex with silly girls seemed to be all he could focus on, even his work seemed to be suffering. He shook his head and glared at Claire.
“Last I heard, she went down town. A local girl saw her enter a joke store. I can give you the address if you like.”
“I would very much like that. I need to investigate every avenue in a case like this.” She said as she noticed how distant the captain looked.
“Sir, if you don’t mind me saying, you don’t seem like yourself. I remember when I was on the force you wouldn’t tolerate daydreaming, but you seem like you are doing just that” she added as she stood up. He scrawled on a piece of paper and handed it to her, looking her in the eyes.
“It’s been a rough few months. I am sure things will be back to normal soon enough. Good luck on your case, Ms. Renfield.”
She had been given enough of his cold shoulders when she was on the force to know that she was being told to leave. She took the paper and quietly left the office. The Captain sighed as he looked in a mirror on his wall, rubbing his slightly puffy and red nose.
The next day, Claire drove through town, looking for the address.
“Christ, I feel like I’ve been driving in circles, and not a sign of this “Chuckles” Place. I wonder how trustworthy the captain’s source was.” She said as she glanced around.
---
In Chuckle’s Joke Shop, the store was currently between locations. The store was of course magical in nature and set up shop wherever it felt like it needed to, but every once in a while, it would exist in a space where no one could see it or touch it. Chuckles sat behind his counter, looking around at his domain and smiled. Then the whole store lurched forward, it felt like, causing him almost fall. He looked up and saw that the store had picked a location, and was dismayed.
“Hey, Hey! We were already here! Two months ago. We can’t be making a scene too large this close to a previous visit.” The clown with blue hair said as he stood up and walked around the counter. “Pack it up, we have to go somewhere else.”
The store shuddered, as if it were settling in.
“Oh no, don’t take that tone with me, you pesky woodpile. We are leaving.” He shouted.
Another jolt, and Chuckles found himself on his ass.
“Clearly you see something in this town that I do not. I mean, Giggles was a fine addition to Clowntopia, but what else do we have to do here?
---
Claire had parked her car and was pouring over a map, when she heard what sounded like a crack of thunder. She looked up and gasped when she saw a small building wedged between two taller buildings. It almost certainly had not been there before.
“What in the hell?” She said aloud to no one as she looked at the store, a red and white striped awning hanging above it’s door, giving it a quained little look. It appeared to have always been there, but Claire wasn’t stupid. How could building just appear. She was about to run in and investigate when she saw two girls, in their early twenties to her estimation, walk up and enter, the faint sound of a foghorn going off as the door shut behind them.
She slowly got out of her car, and walked over to the storefront, and looked through the window. She could see the two girls, laughing and joking about the strange things.
One of them, sporting shoulder length blond hair, laughed. “It’s like Bobby said, a stupid bunch of gags. I like it. Look at this!” she said. She held up a mask that looked like a pretty girl’s face, done up to look like a very exaggerated clown, a big red nose at the center.
The other girl, with a short bob of black hair, looked over. “That’s cute. You should put it on.”
Claire watched as she did just that, slipping the mask over her face.
“Tada!” she said to her friend.
“Adorbs.” her friend said, which made Claire want to gag.
“Ohhh, it kind of tingles.” she said. “Maybe I’m allergic.”
“I guess you should take it off.”
“Yeah, I don’t want to break out. My skin is so sensa...” she said as she tugged at the mask. “Hey! It won’t come off! It’s stuck.”
Claire’s opened wide when she saw the white color of the mask draining down onto the girl’s skin. Her entire body (or at least what Claire could see) was turning a shade of pale not seen outside a blizzard.
“Help!” the girl shouted, giggling as she did. “I’m feeling so funny!”
Her friend ran over and began to tug at the edge of the mask, and it wasn’t budging.
“What is going on?” Claire whispered to herself, her eyes fixed on the strangeness happening inside the store.
“I can’t get it off, Beth!” cried the girl’s friends.
“It’s okay, Vera. I think I like it.” Beth giggled.
Vera gave one last tug, and the mask came loose, causing her to fall backwards, tumbling into a wooden box that burst open upon her impact. Round red balls flew up into the air, and Claire recognized them as clown noses. They rained down upon Vera, who shouted as she felt them pelting all over her. The mask in her hand now looked like Beth’s face as it had looked before she wore the mask. Shooting her gaze over to Beth, Claire saw her face was painted in various colors, a big red nose in the center. Her lips looked thicker and they were curled into a large grin that was at once amusing and frightening. Red circles on her cheeks made her seem cute, while her hair was now up in pony tails, streaked with red color.
“Oh, Vera honey, are you okay?” she giggled as she walked over. Her clothes seemed to have changed, becoming a very pretty dress with polka dots. Claire was astounded, fascinated, and horrified. It was almost too much for her to handle. Something was so interesting about this strange dreamlike scene unfolding before her.
Pulling her friend out of the mound of rubber noses, she giggled when she saw one of the noses, smaller than her own, latched onto her face. Vera stood up and gasped. “This stupid thing won’t come off.” She said as she yanked on it.
“Here let me try.” Beth said as she gripped the nose and squeezed. A loud honk echoed through the room, and Vera’s eyes rolled to the back of her head. “Ooooh.” she moaned as her skin rippled and turned a shade of pink, white forming around her mouth and eyes while wavy purple lines replaced her eyebrows.
“You were so right, this does feel funny and great and stuff. I like it!” she laughed as her hair poofed up into a purple afro style, her clothing becoming a one piece jumpsuit that clung to her curvy body (which seemed even curvier than it had before)
“Well Well, Girls.” said a male voice. “Seems you have enjoyed your look around my store. Come, let me show the back room!”
A clown with perfectly coiffed blue hair and a dashing suit strutted out and took the girls by the arm and brought them towards the back of his store.
“Holy Shit.” Claire said as she dashed back to her car.
She turned when she heard another crack of thunder. The store was gone, the two buildings it had been wedged between were now next to each other, like they had been before.
Claire couldn't believe her eyes, but she knew this was only the start of her investigation.