Chapter Eleven:

It ended quicker than it had begun. Finals were over, it was mid June. Leroy and I were at the gym, working out together. Leroy was busying lifting some dumbbells. His biceps swelled under the strain. He had certainly become pumped up recently. He was definitely much stronger than me. When we were alone, he would occasionally pin me down on the couch and then kiss me all over. Of course it was just a game, all I had to was tell him I was uncomfortable and he'd let me go. It was just that I never asked him to.

I was lifting weights too, but mine were five pounds each, as opposed to the 40 lb. ones Leroy was using. I looked down at my pencil thin arms. I certainly couldn't see any results, but at least our trips to the gym were keeping me slim. I was wearing a leotard and an athletic bra. I could only fit into that outfit if I kept in shape. Then again, I could have done without all the stares I was getting from the male athletes around the gym.

Leroy grunted and placed his dumbbell back on the rack. "That's enough for today, honey. Any more and I won't be able to move tomorrow."

"You poor thing." I punched him playfully in the shoulder. "How about I give you a backrub later?"

"Ooh, I feel better already." He kissed me. "Listen Dale, I"m driving out to see my parents this weekend. Would you come along?"

"I dunno. Sounds like a family thing. Do you really want me to be there?"

"Of course I do. I...well, I think it's time that you met my family."

Met his family. My God. Introduce me to his parents. Leroy was hugging me, he didn't see the shamed look on my face. Leroy's parents lived a good eight hours away. He wouldn't take a casual girlfriend all that way to have dinner with his folks. It was obvious he thought much more of me. Much, much more. Perhaps he even thought of a permanent relationship. He had been discussing the future a lot. Even when he spoke about life after graduation, I was in his plans.

What had I done? I had lead him on, that's what I had done. For all the time we had been dating I had pretended I was in love with him (at least I thought I was pretending, sometimes I wondered). Now what? In a few weeks I would leave this campus for good. How would that make Leroy feel? I couldn't just disappear! how could I have ever thought this would work out for the best?

I had been a cold-hearted bitch. There was no other word for it. I was acting like the kind of woman John hated: someone who seemed like she liked a guy, and then dumped him for no reason. Hell, I was being the kind of woman that I hated. That every guy hated! The worst part was I would hurt Leroy, a man who had done nothing to hurt me. He stood up for me, he took care of me, he loved me. I would repay that love by ripping out his heart.

One thing was for sure, it had to be over now. I couldn't just go on pretending that we'd be seeing each other next year. I certainly couldn't meet his parents. I pulled away from him.

"Leroy, I think we should see other people. I want to break up."

"What?" asked Leroy, half laughing. I knew he was hoping that I was joking.

"I want to see other people. We're just getting too serious for my taste."

For half a second, Leroy looked like he had been kicked in the groin. He quickly recovered. He face became a mask, unreadable. His drama training had really paid off.

"Dale," he said, his voice steady and clear "we don't have to see my parents. If you want to cool things for a while, I...understand."

He was taking it hard. I had dated him for months and could see right through his poker face. He was dying inside. But giving him false hope would have been even crueler.

"I don't want to cool things. I just want to end it. I'm sorry, it's been fun, but it's over."

Leroy opened his mouth, then shut it. He swallowed, coughed and swallowed again. "Okay Dale. I thought we had something special, obviously I was wrong. Goodbye forever." He walked off quickly.

"Leroy," I called after him, "don't take it personally, It's not you, it's me."

Leroy stopped and turned around. He had a strange half smile on his face. He snorted, shook his head, and continued out the door.

I numbly went into the girl's locker room, showered (in a well secluded stall, of course), and changed into a dress. I walked out into the warm spring air.

I had done it. I had dumped him. I had hurt him, but at least now I had nothing holding me back. Recently I had been having alarming thoughts. Every time I thought about how I would spend the rest of college, I would find myself thinking of myself as a girl, and still dating Leroy. Now Leroy was gone. Now I had no excuse. It would be rough but I'd do it. Have my breasts removed, have injections of testosterone, I'd be a man again. The first thing I'd do is go to a bar and pick up some sleazy woman and have some meaningless sex. Yep, that's what I'll do, I thought joylessly.

I was too wired to go home. I walked around campus until dark. Everywhere I went, something would remind me of Leroy. A coffee shop he had taken me to. The park where we would kiss at night. The library where we'd study together. The people I ran into were no help either. They not only reminded me of the friends I would be leaving behind, they reminded me of Leroy as well.

"Hey Dale, tell Leroy I have that book he wanted to borrow."

"Dale, glad I found you. I'm having a party this Friday, I hope you and Leroy can make it."

"Hey, I saw you in that play a while back. Y'all were great. You and that Demetrius guy work well together."

And so forth. What would all my friends think when Leroy told them how I had dumped him? Classes would be over soon, I doubted I'd even see any of them again. But what about after I had gone? I had always kind of imagined that my friends would miss me after I left them. Now, after I had been so cruel to Leroy, they'd never speak kindly of me again. It hurt to know that I wouldn't be fondly remembered.

The more I thought about it, the more nervous I became. Had I done the right thing? Could I go back to being a man? Should I? All I had to do was rush to Leroy's house and tell him I had been stupid. That I was scared, but I was over it. He'd forgive me, he'd take me back.

What was I even thinking about that for? I didn't want to be his girlfriend, I was a man, for God's sake! Besides, even if I wanted to get back with him, I couldn't. I was a man, and was certainly not the person Leroy thought he loved.

Soon it was dark. I still couldn't go home. I couldn't face that empty apartment, the couch where Leroy had first kissed me, the kitchen where I had cooked for him, the TV where we had watched horror movies and I had pretended to be scared. I needed to talk to someone. I thought about calling Rhea, the magician's wife, but it was a little late at night for that. I decided to go see Jenni and see if she could help me make sense of things.

I went into her dorm building and banged on her door. No answer. Damn, where was she? I knocked again. From down the hall came a young woman who looked like the stereotypical valley girl, and a guy who looked like he belonged on a California beach somewhere, surfboard in hand.

"You're, like, looking for, like, Jenni, right?" asked the girl. I swear to God she said that.

"Uh, yes I am. You wouldn't happen to know where she is?"

"Like, no. Sorry, but, she like left with her boyfriend."

Boyfriend? "No," I said, "you're thinking of someone else. I'm looking for Jenni Simpson, dark hair, bad scar on her face."

"Dude," said the guy. "Yeah, I know the chick. Kinda cute but with that gnarly gash on her face. Dude, seriously, she left with some big dude."

Just talking to this couple was giving me a headache. "Thank you very much," I said.

"Like, no problem."

"Dude, take care."

Jenni, the one person I could have talked to, was gone. I decided just to go home, drink a warm glass of milk, hop into bed, and pretend that this was all a bad dream. That I wasn't really living like a woman. That I didn't really have breasts. That I hadn't broken the heart of a dear, sweet man.

I unlocked my door and stepped inside. I could hear John in the kitchen, singing.

"Oh what a night! Sweet surrender back in '63, she was everything I dreamed she'd be, I remember, what a night!"

Oh Jesus, not that song. John only sang that song when he had 'gotten laid,' as he put it. A couple of empty wine glasses on the coffee table and a strange pair of panties on the couch confirmed my suspicion. I shuddered to think of what sort of green-haired, body pierced, heavy-metal groupie had staggered home with him. I certainly was in no mood to meet her. I just wanted to get something to drink and hide under the covers.

John was standing by the stove, cooking some eggs. He was wearing nothing but some boxers. "Oh I...I got a funny feeling when she waaaaalked in the room...." he crooned.

"Hey John."

John turned with a start. "Dale! What are you doing home? I thought you were going out with Leroy tonight!"

Et tu, John? "Change of plans," I told him. "Don't let me bother you, I'm going to bed in a second."

John kept nervously looking glancing at his bedroom door. "Uh yeah, well, good night," he said pointedly. What the hell was his problem? Did he have a married woman back there or something?

"Fine John. I just want to get some milk."

"I'll bring it to you!" John shouted. He sure seemed desperate for me not to meet his date, if you could call her that.

"Hey John," called out a voice from his bedroom. "Those eggs done yet?" His door opened. Out stepped a woman wearing one of John's shirts. She didn't seem to have anything on underneath. He hair was tussled and she was smiling in an exhausted way. She stopped short when she saw me.

It was Jenni.

I was dumbstruck. I just stood there gaping. Jenni and John grinned sheepishly. Jenni took John's hand in hers. "I didn't expect you home so early," she said.

A few seconds later I was alone with Jenni in my bedroom. "What the hell's going on?"

"Well...." Jenni smiled sweetly. "You kept telling me I'd meet a special guy. Well, you were right! Dale, I have a boyfriend!"

"Since when?"

"Since spring break. You were out of town, I was here with John, and well...things just happened!"

"For Christ's sake Jenni, what the hell are you thinking? You can do better than that! I know you want to be loved, but don't settle for John!"

Jenni jumped up and glared at me angrily. "Let's get something straight, Dale," she shouted, pointing at me. "I am not 'settling.' You might not believe it, but I do have standards when it comes to men. You might also find this hard to believe, but John is more than a drunken punk. He may act stupid, but he's a hell of a lot deeper than everyone gives him credit for. Especially you."

John, deep? I found that very hard to believe.

"Look at this," Jenni continued. "It's a poem John wrote for me."

I took it and read:

'Jenni, my darling, my rose,
All I ever think about is you.
I just want to look into your eyes,
to spend an eternity hearing your laugh,
to lay down my life to bring you joy...'

John had wrote this?

'...and you got, like, a really nice butt.'

Yes, John had wrote that. I began to think about it all. True, John was a slovenly lunatic who left toenail clippings on the floor. But was that all he was? He certainly was someone who stood up for his friends. He heroism in the bar fight proved that. I really couldn't see John ever cheating on Jenni, he seemed too zealous about being true to your dates to run around. And I knew he'd never hit her.

Could it be that John, the man who had once gotten his head stuck in pasta pot, was also the man who could see past Jenni's scars to the real woman inside?

"Jenni, I'm sorry about what I implied. Does he really make you happy?"

"Yes, he does. This might be it, Dale. He might be the one."

"Jenni, I can't say I see what you see in him, but if he makes you happy, if he treats you right, then I'm happy for you. For both of you." We hugged.

"Dale," Jenni said, "I'm sorry."

"Sorry? For what?"

Jenni pulled away and turned her back. "For doing this to you. Instead of trying to help you out of dressing like a woman, I forced you into it."

"Jenni, it's not like I had a choice."

Jenni still wouldn't look at me. "True, but I gave you a lot of bad advice. I changed your room, I bought you women's clothes, I told you to use the self hypnosis takes and to take estrogen. I shouldn't have done that."

I laid my hands on her shoulders. "It's okay Jenni, you were just looking out for me."

"Maybe, maybe not."

I retracted my hands. "What are you saying Jenni?"

Jenni didn't speak for a while. "What I'm saying, is that, well, you looked, well, you still look so much like me. I guess sometimes I would fantasize that I was you. That I was the pretty girl that all the boys liked. Even with Leroy, I probably should have told you not to go near him, it was too risky. But I just stood back and watched, like it was me going on all those dates. It took John to show me I didn't have to experience love and romance vicariously."

"Jenni, that wasn't very nice or responsible. But don't blame yourself. If there's one thing all this has taught me, is that you're always responsible for your own actions. Everything I did, I did because I chose to. Now I have to live with the consciences. That's why I broke up with him tonight."

"You...you broke up with him?" Jenni didn't seemed to know how she was supposed to react.

"I did a stupid thing. I played with his heart and now I've hurt him." I started crying. Jenni held me.

"You poor thing. I'm sorry. I knew you cared about him. I guess you broke things off because you couldn't love another man?"

I shook my head. "I broke things off because I have to go back to being a man. If I didn't have to, well...aw, what's the point? I have to be a man again, there's no getting out of it."

"Dale, are you sure about that?"

Before I could answer, there was a knock at the door. John, now fully clothed, stuck his head in. "Uh, everything okay?"

"Everything's fine, John," I replied.

"I mean, uh, are we okay?" said John, pointing to himself and me.

"We're fine John. Just treat Jenni right, that's all I ask."

John grinned. "D'ya mind if I come on in?"

Jenni looked at me questioningly. I nodded.

John sat down on the bed and laid his hand on the back of Jenni's neck. He then noticed my puffy red eyes and tear-stained cheeks.

"Dale, hey, what's wrong?"

I laughed, a quick, humorless laugh. "Oh nothing. It's just that it's almost time for me to stop living this life, and for some reason I'm not sure I want to."

John pondered this, then spoke. "Hey, I just read that when guys get out of prison after like twenty years, a lot of them go out and rob a bank or something and get sent right back!"

What the hell did Jenni see in this guy? "Thank you, Beavis," I said, meanly. "If you're not going to be serious, then I'd like to be alone."

"No, don't you get it?" said John, as if he had been giving sage advice. "It's not that they were evil or had criminal minds. It was just that after so long in jail, they couldn't adjust to life on the outside. They'd commit some violent crime just to get sent back to the only life they knew anymore."

"John, is there a point to any of this?"

"Well," he said, "I've never done either, but I figure that being a woman is a lot easier than being in prison."

Shockingly, John's ramblings actually made sense. I had build up a college transcript, a network of friends, a feminine demeanor, and a love life as a woman. It wouldn't be so easy leaving it all. It would almost be simpler to forget that I had ever been a man.

"So what now?" I asked Jenni and John.

"It depends on you, Dale" said Jenni. "Like you said, you make all your own decisions. Do you want to go back to being a boy?"

"Yes! Well, sure. Maybe...I don't know."

"It's Leroy, isn't it?" asked John.

"Yes, it's Leroy. This is insane. I'm a guy! He's a guy! Why can't I stop thinking about him?"

Jenni took my hand. "Because he's a caring, wonderful man that you have feelings for. You don't want to hurt him and you're afraid to go back to a life that he'd never be part of."

I sighed. "That about sums it up. But why are we even discussing this? Leroy thinks I'm a girl. If he found out the truth, he'd freak."

"You sure about that?" asked John.

"Oh, right. I'll just tell him 'Hi Leroy, I'm actually a man. Oh, and I'm not sure if I want to continue being a woman, so could we keep dating while I decide?"

John seemed to mull this over seriously. "You probably should put it more delicately..."

"John, would you be serious?"

John looked confused, he thought he was being serious. "Well, I think you ought to tell him. If he gets mad, well, you're leaving campus anyway. But he might possibly be more understanding than you think."

"Get real."

"Dale," said John, "I never asked out your sister because I thought she'd never say yes. But I finally took that risk and it paid off. I don't know how you feel about Leroy, but don't give up on him just because you think he won't understand."

My headache was savage. "Thank you John. Thanks, both of you. I appreciate your advice. I just need time to think. Maybe things will be clearer tomorrow."

They both said good night. I laid on my back, thinking about Leroy and listening to the rhythmic squeak of John's bedsprings next door.

Chapter Twelve:

I spent the next few days locked in my room. I couldn't seem to get up the energy to get out of bed. I just couldn't face the world. Jenni seemed terribly worried. She would constantly come over and beg me to come out. I kept telling her that I was fine, that I just needed time to myself. That was a lie of course, but I didn't want to keep her from enjoying her time with her new boyfriend.

Finally, I made a decision. I had to go to Leroy and talk to him. I had to explain everything. Odds are he'd hate me forever, but I couldn't go through life wondering 'what if?' If he somehow understood, we could work out what to do about the future together.

I showered, shaved my legs, and did up my face. I put on my tightest pair of jeans and a shirt that was almost absurdly low cut. If I was going to tell Leroy that I was a man, I wanted him to remember that I wasn't that much of one.

Jenni and John were just leaving the apartment when I came out of my room. They had a picnic basket and blanket in hand. They invited me along, but I declined. It was obviously going to be a romantic picnic for two, and besides, I had to talk to Leroy. I couldn't put it off anymore.

As they took off down the front steps, I called after them. "Jenni? Could you give us a second? I want to talk to John." They both looked at me questioningly, but Jenni took off for the car.

"John? You're a man. Am I being stupid? I mean, there's no way Leroy would stay with me, once he knows I'm a guy, right? I should just forget about all that, right?"

John frowned and took out a cigarette. He then threw it into the bushes. "Jenni's been bugging me to quit." He turned and smiled at me. "Let me tell you a story. It's about a boy named...um...Johnny."

I stifled a laugh.

"Johnny's parents were divorced and there wasn't a lot of money. He had to wear old clothes, and he was always kind of awkward. And the other kids teased me...I mean, Johnny. A lot. Sometimes he'd go home and cry. And one day he decided he had enough, and if people were going to laugh at him, then by God, he'd give them something to laugh at. And he forced himself to act like a big stupid clown, so when everyone laughed, it was because he was being silly."

John's teeth were gritting. I stayed silent, listening to his painful story.

"And by the time Johnny got to high school and people started getting a little more accepting, it was too late. All that was left was the clown. He'd forgotten what he was really like." John let out a long sigh. "Dale, I wasted my life, trying to change myself, to become what everyone else expected me to be. And where did it get me? Who knows. Maybe I'm just and idiot and Jenni's a freak, and your a shemale, and Leroy's a nerd. But maybe all of us are a lot better than all that. And I think Leroy will be able to see that."

I turned away for a second. I had something in my eye.

"Thank you, John."

Jenni pulled up and honked her horn. John smiled. "Well, Leroy's a lucky guy." Then, to my amazement, he leaned over and kissed me on the forehead. "Good luck, whatever you decide to do."

As soon as they left, I began to hesitate. Just like with any unpleasant task, I kept looking for excuses to procrastinate. I touched up my makeup, rebrushed my hair, and paced throughout the apartment. I even called his house and hung up when his room mate answered.

I was stuck. How do you tell a man that you're not the person he thought you were? How do you tell him you're not even the sex he thought you were?

I was beginning to think that I'd never get up the nerve to face him when I noticed an old shoe box on the coffee table. I opened it. It was filled with scores of old photos John had taken for his journalism classes. In order to put off the inevitable, I began glancing through them. John certainly had chosen some interesting subjects for his pictures. I didn't even know there was a slaughterhouse in the area.

I was about to finish with the pictures when a snapshot near the bottom caught my eye. I picked it up and examined it. It was exactly what I needed to help me break the news to Leroy. I put it in my purse and took off for his house.

Leroy rented a two-bedroom house a ways from campus. I stood on the sidewalk, trying to build up the courage to ring the bell. Would he even talk to me? I thought that he would. Finally I walked up to the door and knocked.

Leroy's roommate, Francois, answered the door. Francois was a black guy who was known on campus for two things: his huge dredlocks which hung down almost to his hips, and his ever-present, friendly smile. When he saw that it was me, his smile instantly turned to a glare.

"Oh, it's you," he said contemptuously.

"Francios, is Leroy in?"

"No, Leroy is not in. I don't know where he is," he answered coldly.

"Please, I really have to talk to him."

"Why? Did you forget to tell him he wasn't man enough for you? Or did you just want to savor his misery?"

Jesus, Francois was pissed off. It wasn't hard to guess why. I had just dumped his friend for no good reason. He obviously didn't think very highly of me.

"Please. I have to talk to him. I...might have made a mistake. I know you know where he is. For his sake, tell me."

He snorted and cracked his knuckles. "Well," he eventually said. "You did not hear this from me, but I happen to know that Leroy's uncle has a fishing cabin off route 55 in Shannon County. If my heart had been ripped out and stomped upon by the girl I loved, I might just go to a place like that to try and recover."

"Thank you, Francois. I really appreciate this." I turned to leave.

"Oh Dale?"

"Yeah?"

"If you are going to see Leroy to get back together, then that's fine. And if you just want to try to talk to him, to explain why you dumped him, I guess you deserve a chance. But if you see him and act like you like him and then break his heart a second time...well, I can guarantee you'll never have a friend on this campus again. Leroy's a good guy, people won't stand for you jerking around with his emotions."

I didn't know how to answer, so I left. Jenni's car was at my place. I took the keys from her hiding place and sped off towards where Francoiss had said Leroy was. As I drove, I thought about what Francois had said. He had said that if I hurt Leroy I wouldn't have a friend on campus ever again. It sounded like he was just making idle threats to protect his friend. Then again, I didn't have many friends here who weren't also friends with Leroy. I doubt any of them would want to stay friends with me after I hurt Leroy. I'd have to start over with a new circle of friends, so maybe Francois wasn't just shooting his mouth off. Then again, if things didn't work out with Leroy then there'd be nothing keeping me at this school anyway.

It took me forever to find the secluded cabin, but I eventually located it, far back on a country road. It was pretty run down; it looked like that shack the Unibomber lived in. Nearby there was a lake, I guessed that was where Leroy's uncle did his fishing. I knocked on the corrugated iron door. There was no answer. I swung it open.

Inside it was dark. It took a few minutes for my eyes to adjust. It was filthy. There was little furniture other than an unmade bed and a table with fish guts and tackle scattered all over it. There was an odd contraption in the corner. When I examined it, I realized that it was an honest-to-God still for making moonshine. Apparently Leroy's uncle did a little more than fish up here.

A shadow fell across the door. I turned to see Leroy walk in. He was carrying a fishing rod and several fish on a line. He looked terrible. Unshaven, filthy, and still wearing the ragged sweats he had had on the last time I saw him. He must have come out here soon after I had dumped him. He probably hadn't bathed in days and was living on whatever fish he caught. I hated to see him in this state; who would take care of him? When he saw me he froze.

"Dale!" he gasped. His shocked expression became guarded. "What are you doing here?"

"Leroy, we need to talk."

"So talk." He wasn't risking anything. It was clear he was afraid of being burned again.

"Leroy, this may take a while. Can we sit down?" Leroy motioned me to the bed. He sat opposite me on an orange crate. He lifted a stone jug off the table and took a pull. He grimaced and offered me a swig of white lightening. I shook my head.

"Dale," said Leroy, "I've been doing a lot of thinking. And a lot of drinking. Drinking and thinking. Look, if you want it to be over, I guess I have to deal with it. But tell me the truth. You said you wanted to break up because you wanted to see other people, but I don't believe that. That's not you, Dale. You've never talked about other men, never mentioned a previous boyfriend, never swooned over anyone famous...I think I deserve to know what I did wrong. What I did that made you want out."

I took Leroy's hand. He didn't return the grasp, but he didn't retract his hand, either. "Leroy, it wasn't you. I...I don't think I really wanted to break up. But...I have a past. A secret. Something you'd never understand."

"Jesus H. Christ, Dale!" he bellowed. "Nothing, NOTHING, in your past could make a difference to me! I don't care about whatever it was you did! All I care about it you! The past isn't important!"

"This is. You'd hate me, I know you would."

Leroy let out a frustrated yell. "Dale, I love you. I love you! I...I was even thinking that maybe someday...that you'd be my wife. This isn't a crush, Dale. If you don't feel the same way, well, I guess I'll have to survive, somehow. But don't give me any bullshit about some 'deep dark secret.' I think after all this, I deserve better."

"Leroy, I'm a man!"

Leroy stared at me with contempt. "First you dump me, then you tell me ridiculous stories. Just get out. Get the hell out."

"Leroy, calm down and listen. Don't say anything, just listen."

I told him. Starting with the day Jenni first talked to Steve, I told him everything. About my date with Steve, about meeting Leroy for the first time, about my confusing feelings about him, about the estrogen, the implants, about Jenni and John, everything. I finished by handing him the photo I had taken from the shoe box. It was the photo John had taken of me the week before I dressed as a woman the first time. It was of me, the male me.

Leroy didn't move throughout my narrative, except to take more swigs from his jug. He stared at the photo for a long time.

"The eyes," he finally said.

"What?"

"The eyes. Everything else has changed, but your eyes are the same. Windows to the soul."

He sat there quietly for a while, looking at the photo. Finally I spoke. "Leroy..."

"What is it, you bitch? Or I guess I should say bastard!" Leroy laughed, a cruel hateful laugh.

Tears formed in my eyes. "Leroy, I never meant to hurt you..."

Leroy had an almost deranged expression on his face. "I never thought you could do anything to make me hate you, but damned if you didn't prove me wrong. Just make a guy love you, but fail to mention that you're a FUCKING GUY!"

I began to cry. "Save it for the next sucker," he sneered. "To think I ever kissed you." He then make retching noises.

"Leroy..." I looked up at him, hoping that I'd see some sort of quavering, some sort of friendly emotion that I could latch on to.

"I said get the hell out!" He slammed his hand down on the table, then inexplicably doubled over in pain. I realized he had slammed his hand on top of the pile of tackle and now had several fishhooks embedded in his palm. Without thinking, I ran to him to help him.

He snarled at me, an animalistic growl. "Go away," he said. He voice had no strength, I think he was sobbing. "Just leave me. If you ever cared about me, then don't ever come near me again. I couldn't take it."

I walked slowly to the car, hoping that he would call me back to him. He didn't.

*

"I want you to take these breasts off! Amputate them! I hate them!"

I was sitting in Dr. Alice's office. Since it was obvious that Leroy would never love me again, I couldn't stand the thought of being breasted. I was going to go back to being a man ASAP, and this chest was going to be the first thing to go.

"Calm down, Dale. Please, tell me what's wrong."

"What's wrong? Everything's wrong! I think I'm in love with a guy who hates me, I'm a man with tits, and I have to change schools and leave everything behind! My life SUCKS! I want these breasts gone. I read the legal papers of the implant experiment. Any time I want out, the doctor has to remove them. He's legally required."

"Dale, there's only a few weeks left in the testing process..."

"God damn it, I don't give a shit about your 'testing process!' You're not the one who has to live with these things!"

"Dale, calm down and listen to me. Everyday, hundreds of people walk into plastic surgeons' offices and demand breast jobs, or nose jobs, of liposuction, or whatever they think they need to be happy. 80% of those people never go through with it. People have a problem and they think surgery will solve it. That's not always the answer and it is never something you should do when you are upset or emotional."

"Well, doctor," I said with anger in my voice "I don't recall you giving me this speech when you convinced me to have these put in in the first place. Or don't you remember?"

Dr. Auger looked a little guilty, maybe she was having regrets about suggesting implants to me. "Look Dale, I'm not saying you can't have them removed, I just want you to calm down and thing about what you're asking. I can't schedule the surgery now, it would be tantamount to mutilation. Come back in a week and we'll see what you think."

"What I think, doctor, is that you had better schedule me some surgery right now. It's the law. You can't force me to stay in your friend's experiment against my will."

"True, but I can say you're running a fever and surgery would be inadvisable at this time."

I was shocked. "You mean you'd actually lie and force me to keep these things? You're nuts! I'll sue you! I'll have your license!"

"Dale, I'm doing this for your own good."

"That's what everyone says. Well, people doing things for my own good has ruined my life. Thanks for nothing, see you in court."

Alice looked at me with concern and pity. "Come back in a week," she said as I left.

I drove back to my apartment, plotting revenge on Dr. Auger. It had never occurred to me that she would actually deny me my right to have the implants removed. I began mentally writing the letter I would send to her bosses to get her fired.

First things first, though. When I got home, I went into my room and locked the door. Then I took off all of my clothes. I looked at my reflection in the mirror. Except for my small, withered penis, I looked like a woman. Long hair, breasts, smooth skin. I'd fix that! First I took out an Ace bandage and wound it around my chest as tightly as possible. It didn't hide my breasts as much as I had hoped that it would. Well, as they say, clothes make the man. I had got Jenni to bring me back a couple of my old male outfits. First I put on a dress shirt. Then I pulled on a pair of men's slacks. I completed the outfit with black socks, dress shoes and a tie. There! Now I looked like...now I looked like...like a woman wearing men's clothes.

The shirt would hardly button in the front. Even with the bandages, I was still very clearly breasted. My chest caused my tie to stick out about 15 degrees from my body. The pants, though tight in the rear, wouldn't stay up; I had lost weight this year and didn't have a man's belt with me. The only articles of clothes that really fit were my shoes. My nails were still painted, my hair was long, my features delicate. I was stupid to think that just throwing on some clothes could undo a year of this lifestyle. What could I do? I began to think. Well, if Dr. Auger let my have my implants removed next week, if she helped me start on male hormones, if I could just go away somewhere alone for a while, maybe eventually I could pass as a man. Of course, that was a lot of 'ifs.' One thing was for sure, there was no point in me wearing men's clothes now. I looked utterly ridiculous.

"You look utterly ridiculous." I turned around to see the owner of the voice. It was Leroy. He had come up to my bedroom door without me hearing him. He was now showered, shaved, and sober. He reminded me of how he had looked that day, many months ago, when he had come here to take me to the movies for the first time. His hand was bandaged from where he had tangled with the fishing lures.

My first instinct was to run into his arms, but I restrained myself. I didn't know why he was here and I couldn't stand it if I tried to hug him and he refused. "Leroy..." I called out, my voice barely a whisper.

"Hey, Dale," he said evenly. "I was in the neighborhood. Care to go for a drive with me?"

"Yes!" I said, ecstatically. I knew I should play it cool, but I didn't care. Against all odds, here was Leroy again.

"Okay," he said. "But put something decent on, for goodness sake."

Leroy left the room so I could change. I removed my male clothes, and without a moment's hesitation, tossed them in the garbage. I knew what I had to do. If Leroy was still even remotely considering a future with me, I had to move fast. I pulled on some fishnet hose, some spiky high heels, a mini skirt, and a halter top. I spritzed myself with perfume and put on some more makeup. I looked in the mirror and giggled. I looked like I should be at the docks, propositioning sailors. But I looked sexy. That was all I wanted. Leroy would know that I had dressed like this for him and for him alone.

Leroy silently beckoned me to his car. I got in and he took off without saying a word. When I asked him where we were going, all he would say was 'for a drive.'

I was disappointed, and a little scared. Leroy hadn't even seemed to notice my clothes. Where were we going, what was on his mind? He seemed deaf to all my questions and attempts at conversation. I guess he didn't want to get back together. Maybe he just wanted to talk. He probably just wanted to clarify some things, maybe say that he still wanted to be friends. Then again, maybe I wasn't even that lucky. Maybe he just wanted my word that I wouldn't tell anyone he had dated a man. And here I was dressed like a slut. That certainly wouldn't raise his opinion of me.

After a long, agonizing drive, we arrived at our destination. Leroy had taken a different route, so I didn't recognize the fishing cabin until we were right in front of it. What were we doing out here? I guessed it was pretty obvious. Leroy was now ashamed to be seen with me. He wanted to take me somewhere that no one would see us talking. He couldn't even bear to be with me in public.

Leroy wordlessly walked into the cabin. I followed. It was still dark inside, Leroy lit a candle. When my eyes adjusted, I couldn't believe what I saw. The filthy cabin was now swept and clean. The fish guts and fishing gear were gone. The table was now covered with a table cloth. The jug of home made whiskey had been replaced by a bottle of champagne and two glasses. The bed had been covered by clean sheets which I recognized from off Leroy's bed. A single red rose stood in a glass on the window sill.

It could only mean one thing. I turned to Leroy. Before I could say anything, he kissed me. All I wanted to do was swoon in his arms, but he gently pushed me away and held me at arms length.

"Dale," he said, "I still love you. All last night I tried to hate you, for dumping me, for lying to me. But I couldn't. Just like you can't decide to fall in love, you can't decide to fall out of love either. As much as I wanted to do otherwise, all I could think about was driving to your house to get you. So that's what I did. I figured after all this, we were both entitled to a romantic evening together."

He kissed me again. He held me, seemingly unconscious of my joyful tears. Then he said something that nearly destroyed my rapture.

"Besides, I know you're not really a man, Dale."

I pulled away. My God, he was denying it! He was trying to pretend like nothing had happened. "Leroy," I began uncertainly, "I wish it weren't true, but I really am a man."

"Oh really?" asked Leroy, pulling me back to him and kissing me. "Then why are you dressed like that? Men don't wear stockings, or makeup, or halter tops."

I was a little nonplussed. "Sure, but..."

Leroy began kissing my face around my mouth. "If you're a man, where's your beard?"

"I...I don't have a beard."

Leroy's kisses moved down to my neck. "And if you're a man, why is your skin so silky and soft?"

My neck was my number-one erogenous zone. His kisses there left me paralyzed, all I could do was moan.

Leroy's kisses became more intense. I was turned on. Leroy then slowly removed my top, revealing my bare breasts. He began rolling one of my nipples between his fingers. My nails dug into his back, I wanted to pull him on top of me. "If you're a man, then what are these?"

"They...they're my breasts."

"Men don't have breasts," he replied. He then did something to them with his mouth that made it impossible for me to answer him. Thank God Dr. Auger hadn't let me have them removed!

Leroy turned me around, facing the bed. He then roughly grabbed me from behind, kissing my bare neck and shoulders, holding my chest. He had removed his shirt, his chest pressed against my naked back. In the back of mind I knew that he would find out that I really was a man soon enough. I didn't linger on it long. At least afterwards I would have this memory.

Leroy pulled off my skirt and panties. All I was wearing were my shoes, stockings, and the sex hiding garment. Leroy grabbed the garment by its sides and pulled the rear of it around the bottom of my tush. My penis was still covered.

"Dale, I don't care what sex you were born as. All I know is that you make a lousy man and a great woman. I love you. I love you as a man loves a woman. All I need to know now is the answer to this question. Nothing else is important. Do you love me?"

I could feel his erect penis already tickling the cleft of my buttocks. "Yes, Leroy. Yes...yes! Oh, Leroy, yes! My God, yes! Oh, yes, oh, yes, OH YES!"

Epilogue: Three Years Later

I sat in the living room of Jenni's new apartment, freezing in my bathrobe. "Would you hurry up, Jenni?" I called. "The ceremony starts in a few hours and you still have to do my makeup and my hair!"

"Hold your horses, Dale. I'm coming. Sheesh, don't be so impatient!" Jenni entered the room, carrying her large makeup kit.

"Sorry!," I replied, pretending to be angry. "It's not like I get married every day!"

Jenni just shook her head and smiled. "Well, I for one was beginning to think you and Leroy would never tie the knot. If you ask me, it's about time."

I blushed. "We wanted to wait until after graduation. Besides, you know I couldn't get married legally until, well, you know. After the operation."

"I know. So...will you let me see the results of the surgery?"

"Jenni!" I was shocked that she'd even suggest such a thing.

"C'mon Dale. It's not like you're my brother anymore. Please? Just a peek? I'm curious."

I sighed, and stood up. I took a deep breath and opened my bathrobe. Despite having lived as a woman for three years I still felt awkward about been nude around my older sister.

Jenni looked at my body critically. My firm breasts, my flat stomach, my rounded hips. But what she was most interested in was what was between my legs. I no longer needed to wear the sex hiding device. All that was down there was a small patch of brown hair and a moist, tender, secret crevice. The word 'FEMALE' on my college records was no longer a mistake.

Jenni shook her head in amazement. "Wow! The wonders of surgery. So have you two, shall we say, taken it for a spin?"

I pulled my robe closed tight. "No," I replied, embarrassed. "It took forever to heal, and by that time we were so close to the wedding...I figured that Leroy could wait until the honeymoon. Besides, this way I can still wear white!"

Jenni did my makeup. As she painted my face, I remembered back several years ago when she had done the same thing for the first time. It was shortly before my date with Steve. God, how times had changed.

Jenni helped me into my dress. The first time she had done that, it had been a black, conservative number. Now, it was a snow-white wedding gown. It had a plunging neckline and left my shoulders uncovered. I wore an antique silver chain around my neck. Something old. At the end of it, occasionally getting lost in my cleavage, was a locket that Jenni had bought me as a wedding gift. Inside was a picture that John had taken of Leroy and I, the day after he had proposed. Something new. A pair of Jenni's earrings hung from my ears. Something borrowed.

As for the something blue, Jenni was now putting it in my hair. I hadn't had long hair for a year and a half, I thought I looked much better with my hair short. Why not? Long hair no longer mattered. I now looked too feminine for short hair to make a difference. It had been Jenni's idea for me to wear flowers in my hair. She clipped them in, finishing with a blue violet. The ring on my finger completed my trousseau.

After we were both convinced that I looked perfect, Jenni got dressed. She looked lovely in her maid of honor gown. No one had thought of her as 'that poor scarred girl' in years. Finally we were about ready to go.

"You look great, little sister," said Jenni. I smiled. Little sister. I guess I had to get used to that. I glanced at my reflection in the mirror. I looked so innocent, so pretty. Like a bride should.

"You look pretty good yourself, Jenni."

Jenni sighed. "Always a bridesmaid..."

I hugged her. "Don't worry, your time will come."

"Yes, it has," she replied absently.

"What did you say?"

Jenni looked startled. "I said...I said 'Yes, it will.'"

"No you didn't. You said 'Yes, it has.' What did you mean?"

Jenni looked nervous. "Well...."

"C'mon, out with it."

"But I'm not supposed to say anything! John said that this time was special for you and Leroy and we shouldn't steal your thunder."

"Jenni, what are you saying?"

"Well...John proposed to me last week. He said we'd announce it next week, but I guess I can't keep anything from you. You'll be my maid of honor, of course?"

"Oh, Jenni..." was all I could say. I hugged her, already tearing up.

"Now hush, Dale. Stop that crying, you'll smear your mascara."

It was a storybook wedding. I know that's the oldest wedding cliche in the world, but it was true. I couldn't imagine a more perfect, sunny day for an outdoor ceremony. Leroy had suggested getting married in the woods, in front of the cabin where I first gave myself to him. The area was decorated in flowers. All of our friends were there. Francois, Leroy's ex-roommate and best man. Jenni, my maid of honor. Rhea the magician's assistant, and Dr. Alice, my bridesmaids. John, the wedding photographer. And of course who else could play the wedding music, but Smeg? He had had to drive two counties away to find a tux in his size.

Smeg tore into the wedding march. Holding my bouquet, I approached the minister and took my place by the groom.

"Dearly beloved," began the clergyman "we are gathered her today in the sight of God to witness the joining of this man and this woman in holy matrimony." Woman. Bride. Sister. So many new words applied to me now.

"Do you, Leroy James Brown, take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live?"

"I do." Leroy's theater-trained voice rang out through the forest grove, sure and confident.

"Do you, Dale Raymond Simpson, take this man..." There was muted laughter at the mention of my middle name. After all the paperwork and bureaucratic nonsense I had to deal with to achieve legal womanhood, I had asked Leroy if I could keep my masculine middle name. It was a reminder, and the only reminder, of the man I once was. I had lived as that man for eighteen years, it didn't seem right to remove him from existence completely. Leroy had consented. He said it would remind him of what I had given up to be with him.

"Then, by the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride." Leroy's kiss was tender, as tender as that first kiss on the stage after 'Midsummer.' It was my first kiss as a married woman. The first kiss from my husband.

And so ends the story about how 'one day of my life' turned into the rest of my life. About how my sister realized that she could be loved for who she was. And about how I fell in love with the man of my dreams. As Shakespeare said, "May joy and fresh days of love accompany your hearts." I couldn't think of a happier wish, nor a truer one.

(the end)