Modern Bride, Part Five
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The next day, as Lori nursed a hangover, I sat around and thought.  Why had I kissed Patrick?  Much as I wanted to think otherwise, Patrick never forced me to do anything.  Of my own free will, I sat and kissed him.  It wasn’t for a shoot, or for the sake of the public.  I had kissed a guy for no reason.

Lori, even with her headache, noticed my squirreliness and asked what was wrong.

“Lori, I need to talk to you.  Can you promise to stay serious and be honest?”

“Of course, Kim,” replied Lori, obviously worried.

“I kissed Patrick last night.”

“So?  You’ve kissed him lots of times.”

“That was for the catalog, this was different.  It was a new years, midnight kiss.  And it lasted a few minutes.”

“I was wondering where you were.  But what’s the big deal?  It was new years, and you got caught up in the moment.”

I wished I could be convinced.  “But it was more than that.  I mean, I’m a guy!  What am I doing kissing another guy for?”

“Listen, Kim.  You told me yourself that thanks to the estrogen you’ve lost most of your sex drive.  Patrick’s a cute guy, and you’ve been playing the part of a woman for months now.  You’re just getting into the roll, that’s all.  I wish I had a nickel for every guy I kissed that I shouldn’t have.”

“So what do I tell Patrick when I see him next?”

“You won’t have to tell him anything.  Just because you kissed him, doesn’t make you his girlfriend.”

I pretended to take Lori’s words to heart, but I was still a bit disturbed.  I wouldn’t have kissed a woman I didn’t like as long as I kissed Patrick.  What had I been thinking?

When the time came for me to go back to work, I honestly wanted to call in sick rather than face Patrick.  I knew better than Lori did about how guys think.  I wasn’t so sure Patrick wouldn’t take my kiss as proof that I liked him.

I ran into Patrick in the studio parking lot.  “Hey Kim, great to see you,” he said.

“Hi Patrick,” I replied, a little more enthusiastically than I had planned.  “It’s nice to see you too.”

“I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye after new years.”

“I’ve been meaning to talk to you about that.  Listen…” How to put this?

“Don’t worry, I understand.  It was just something special for new years, that’s all.”

“Um, yeah.  That’s it.”

“Okay.  I hear ya.  See you inside.”  He grinned and entered the building.  It was simple as that.  He blew off what had passed between us.  Just like it was nothing.

True, that was just what I wanted, but I felt strangely annoyed.  I didn’t think anything of the kiss, but I was a little put out that it meant so little to him as well.  He could have at least pretended I meant something to him.

The shot for today was another sham party, with more models and more clothes to try on.  As I pretended to mingle comfortably in my blue pantsuit, I tried to shake the bizarre feelings that assaulted me.  Why was I so offended at Patrick’s seeming indifference?  What did it matter?  

I couldn’t think of an answer.  All I knew is that I was miffed.  I guess that’s why when Patrick asked me if I wanted to have dinner with him that night, I agreed.

When I got home, Lori asked me how it went.  “Okay, I suppose.  But, um, I agreed to have dinner at his place tonight.”

“Hmm, wouldn’t take no for an answer, would he?”

“It’s not like that.  In fact he kind of blew me off.  I don’t know why I agreed to do this.”

For a second Lori looked stunned, but then she quickly recovered.  “So he’s cooking you a meal?  I can’t remember the last time a guy did that for me.”

I wore my hair up that night, with a long black skirt, and a sleeveless white top that buttoned in the front.  I put on heels and spent almost an hour doing my makeup.  Lori helped me.  Following her advice, I unbuttoned my top further than I was used to wearing it, and spritzed on a bit of perfume.  A little voice in the back of my head kept asking me why I was making such as effort.  But I ignored that voice.  I wanted to dress up.  I’d work out the psychology behind it later.

When I arrived at Patrick’s place, I touched up my makeup one last time.  “This is just a friendly dinner,” I told myself, and knocked.

Patrick was showered, shaved, and dressed up.  His apartment had been cleaned and I could smell something delicious cooking in the kitchen.  Light music played on the stereo.  Patrick took my coat and asked me to have a seat.  Then he poured us each a glass of wine.

As I relaxed and Patrick finished the meal, I pondered what I was getting myself into.  Obviously, Patrick had planned a romantic evening for us, and wasn’t letting my protestations of non-interest get in his way.  But for some reason, I was more flattered than disturbed.

During dinner, neither of us mentioned what had passed between us earlier.  We chatted, laughed, and enjoyed each other’s company.  After dinner, we sat on the couch and sipped some more wine.  I giggled at Patrick’s attempts to subtly turn the lights down lower.  

I wasn’t surprised when I felt Patrick lay his hand on the back of my neck.  “Patrick,” I said, in spite of myself, “I told you, just friends.”

Patrick grinned sheepishly, but didn’t remove his hand.  “I know, Kimberly.  But I’m only human.  I told you earlier how hard I’ve fallen for you.  I thought your, ah, confession would make me stop seeing you like that, but it hasn’t.”  

I stood up to get out of his reach, and turned my back towards him.  “I’m sorry, Patrick.  But you know…what I am.”  I couldn’t bring myself to say ‘you know I’m a man.’  “I could never think of you in a romantic way.”

Patrick put his hands on my shoulders.  “Look me in the eye and say that.  Tell me, face to face, you have no feelings for me and I’ll never put the moves on you again.”

“Patrick, I have no feelings for you!”  There, I said it.

“You’re still turned around.  Face me and say it.”  Patrick’s fingers pressed into my shoulders and gently massaged my neck.  It felt good.

“Patrick, I…”  

“Yes?”  I could feel his breath on my neck.

“I…are you sure you want to get involved with me?  I’m not sure what I want right now, but I am sure I’m going back to a life you can’t be part of in a few months.  And that’s a fact.”

“We’ll worry about that when the time comes.”  I felt his hot mouth kiss my neck.  I stopped talking.

A few hours later, I was home, disheveled, makeup smeared, and nervously giddy.  I removed all my clothes and climbed into the bathtub.  I felt a little guilty, but not ashamed.  While Patrick and I never went past first base (at my insistence, not his), we certainly had done more than I ever thought I’d happily do with a man.

I was confused, tired, and secretly happy.  Nonetheless, I waited up for Lori to get home.  When she entered and found me half-dozing on the couch, she smiled.

“So how did your…evening out go?” she asked, slyly.

“It was a date.  We might as well say it.”  Lori giggled.  

“You like him, don’t you?”  She seemed happy at the news.

“I’m not sure.  Well, I guess.  We just spent two hours making out.”

“You slut!” she chided, and hugged me.  “But, um, Kim.  Does he know about, you know?”  I nodded, giving a brief account of how I told him, but leaving out his secret confession to me.

Lori collapsed in a spasm of laughing.  “What’s so funny?” I asked.

“Nothing.  I’m just happy for you.  Patrick’s a great guy.”

I laid my head on Lori’s arm.  “What the hell’s happening to me?  I’m dating a guy!  I’m not gay!  I’m not a woman!  So why am I enjoying it so much?”

“I dunno.  Maybe I’m not the one to ask.  You ought to talk to Dr. Klaus, he might have some ideas.  Or better yet, his wife.”

“Good idea.  I’m not sure I like the idea of getting involved with a guy when I’m about to give up womanhood forever.”

Lori looked a bit sad.  “Truth be known, I’ll miss Kimberly.  Just remember what we said at Christmas.”

*

The next day, I managed to make an appointment with Dr. Klaus, the German physician who supplied me with hormones.  As I hung out in the waiting room, a young redhead exited his office.  She was pretty, in a washed-out sort of way.  What I couldn’t help noticing was how tall she was.  She was well over six feet, a good deal taller than myself.  As I gaped at her height, I suddenly realized what kind of doctor’s office I was in, and the probable reason behind why she was so tall.  I caught her looking at me from the corner of her eye; she had probably come to the same conclusion about me.

‘She’ left and I was called into the doctor’s office.  “How are you feeling today?” asked Dr. Klaus.

“Fine, thank you.”

“You’ve taken to womanhood quite well, if I may say so.  Tell me, are you enjoying yourself?”

“That’s kind of what I need to talk about.  Listen, is your wife in?”  Dr. Klaus summoned his wife from the other room, and left us alone.

I surveyed Greta again.  It was hard to believe she was anything other than an attractive, somewhat plump, middle-aged woman.  “So what can I do for you?” she asked.

“Well, I’m having a lot of confusing thoughts recently.  I was wondering if you could help me sort through them.”

“I’ll do my best.”

“Well, you know I only agreed to get on the hormones for my job.  But the longer I’m on them, the more it seems like my life as a woman is the normal one.  I think less and less about changing back, and more and more about becoming more of a woman.  My family seems to think that there’s no reason for me to become a man again, and to make things worse…there’s this guy.”  Greta smiled.

“He knows my secret, but he still likes me.  And I think that I’m falling for him!  I don’t know why that should be, but it is!  Does any of this make sense?”

“Of course it does.  When I first started taking hormones, I had no desire to become a woman.  I didn’t even know I was on hormones.  But after the physical changes forced me to adopt a female lifestyle, I loved it!  I was attractive, popular, and had much higher self-esteem.  Perhaps you’re just finding that your life is more exciting and fulfilling as Kim than it was as Ken.”

I thought about it.  My life certainly was more exciting, with all the work, glamour shots, and popularity.  But what about Patrick?

“As for this young man, I’m willing to guess he’s a nice guy who you get along with.  There’s no telling what’s behind your attraction.  My advice is to just go with it.  If he knows your secret and your family is supportive, then there’s no reason not to risk seeing where this leads.”  I thanked Greta and hugged her.

When I returned home, I noticed a big bouquet of roses on the table.  “Who sent you the flowers?”  I asked Lori.

She sighed over-dramatically.  “No one.”  My curiosity piqued, I looked at the card.

‘Kim’ it read,
‘I had a great time last night.
I have a feeling this is the start
of something wonderful.
XXX

Patrick’

“Oh, that is so sweet!” I said, no longer caring how girlish that sounded.  Lori pretended to be jealous, but I could tell she was happy for me.

*
And so began three months where I stopped thinking of myself as a man.  I took a ‘why fight it?’ attitude about the whole thing.  I was going to be living as a woman, so, following Lori’s advice, I starting trying to think like one.  It made things simpler.

It was hard to describe the relationship I had with Patrick at that time.  I guess the easiest thing would be to call us ‘boyfriend and girlfriend,’ thought it wasn’t quite like that.  I knew that come July I would be returning to manhood; I wasn’t so far gone as to want to spend the rest of my life as a woman.  On the other hand, we certainly acted like a happy couple.  We’d go out every weekend, go on dates, and do a lot of kissing.  Patrick, in fact, wanted to do a lot more than kissing, but I refused.  I was growing very fond of him, and didn’t allow myself to think of what would happen after the shoot was finished.

I was living in a fool’s paradise.  Did I honestly think I could play with fire like that and then have everything turn out okay?  I guess I assumed that Patrick never had any long-term plans that involved me, that he, like I, saw this as a fling, not a commitment.  Still, the long nights and exciting weekends I spent with Patrick were a lot of fun.  Little did I know how hard I was falling for him.

The whole thing came to a head when Patrick proposed to me.  Not in real life, in the catalog.  It was springtime, and I had shucked my winter clothes for halter-tops, sundresses, and spaghetti strapped tank tops.  Patrick and I spent many days being photographed running through meadows, making necklaces out of daisies, and wading in brooks.  I knew swimsuit season wasn’t far off, which worried me, but Lori said she had the situation under control.

Anyway, the plans called for Patrick to ‘propose’ to me while we were out on a romantic picnic.  As I adjusted my sleeveless, backless dress and put on my sun hat, Patrick knocked and came into my dressing room.  

“So are you ready to pop the question?” I teased him.

“Yep.  And just look at the diamond the prop guys gave me.”  He displayed a little plastic trinket that would only pass for the real thing in a distant photo.

“You honestly expect me to say yes to that?  Please.”

“Don’t worry, if I ever ask you for real I’ll get something nicer.”

I didn’t like him even joking about that.  Didn’t he know this was a one-year thing?  “Let’s keep this serious,” I told him.

He frowned.  “Well, you never know what the future holds,” he said, defensively.  

“I know what the future holds for me.  In a year I go back to being plain old Ken.”

“And adios to me?” he said, suddenly angry.

“Patrick, you knew when this started what my plans were.  Did you honestly think I was going to spend the rest of my life as Kim?”

“I honestly thought I meant something to you.  That maybe we had something special.  You never even considered a long term relationship?”

“Of course not!  Well, I guess I thought about it…”

“Kim, don’t do this to me.  I couldn’t stand to lose you!”  I had never seen him this shaken up.

“I’m sorry, Patrick.  You…I’ve never felt this way about a man.  If I were a real woman I know there’d be no problem.  But I’m a man and I have to go back.”

“You make a lousy man.  You’ll never be able to go back easily.  Why do you need to go back at all?”

“How can you even ask that?  I have to change back because…because…I just do!”

“You ‘just do’?  You’re going to walk out on me because you ‘just do’?  Wonderful.  Goodbye, Kim.”  He left and slammed the door.

That scene obviously cast a pall over the romantic proposal.  It made both of us so edgy that Kunyak postponed the shot until tomorrow.  Then, in front of the whole crew, he said “I don’t know what’s going on with you two, but by tomorrow I want it stopped.  You’re about to start a new life together, so try to project a little less hate.”  Ouch.

I didn’t stop to talk to Patrick after the shoot.  I was too angry.  Did he honestly expect me to give up my manhood forever, just to please him?  What did he think, that I’d marry him?  Be his wife?  Settle down, buy a house, and spend my life with him?  I paused a bit, thinking about that sort of future.  As a wife.  Patrick’s wife.

I shook my head.  No!  It couldn’t be!  It wasn’t right!  I was a man.  Maybe it was for the best that we had a falling out now, it would save heartache later.  I just had to get through the next few months and be done with it.

Slim, the fifty-something photographer, tapped me on the shoulder.  “What’s up with you and Patrick?” he asked.  He was always direct; ‘mind my own business’ wasn’t part of his vocabulary.

“Just a fight, that’s all.”

“About what?”  About none of your concern, that’s what.

“Nothing.  We just want different things out of life.  I don’t think it’s going to work out.”

Slim sat down, and motioned me to do so as well.  “Let me tell you a story,” he began.  “You probably aren’t in the mood, but I’m old and you’re young, so you really have no choice.”  Looking off into the distance, he related his tale.

“It was back when I was in ‘Nam.  I was young then, and in love.  Her name was Li Duk Thou.  By God, she was lovely.  I never stopped loving her.  Everything I was looking for.  I wanted to marry her, but…” Slim paused.  Painful memory.

“She didn’t want to come back to the States with me.  Not for at least a few years.  I, on the other hand, had no thoughts but getting back, I had been overseas almost two years.  One thing lead to another, and the next thing you know, I’m back stateside.  I never saw her again.

“It’s funny really.  I thought my whole future lay in coming back home.  But when I did, everything was different.  My friends were gone, my parents died a few years later, I couldn’t find work.  I could have stayed in-country.  Lots of guys did.  I didn’t have to leave her, but I was so caught up in what I thought my destiny was, I gave up my one true love.  I’ve been divorced twice.  I never stopped loving Li Duk.  I pissed away my chance at happiness for my friggin’ plans.  

“Listen, I don’t know how serious you and Patrick are.  But before you decide to end it, think about your choice.  Remember, plans can usually wait, but true love doesn’t happen often.  Don’t ruin your life like I did.”  Without making eye-contact, he got up and left.

I went home, burst into the apartment, and screamed.  Lori came running out of her bedroom and asked me what was wrong.

“What’s wrong?  What’s wrong?  Everything’s wrong!  Patrick wants me to stay a woman!”

“Well…I guess that’s bad news.  Right?”  She was uncertain.

“Yes!  I have to be a man!  I am a man!  I’m going to change back!”

“So what’s the big deal?  Patrick won’t die.”

“I know but… but maybe I don’t want to give up Patrick.  I’m not saying I want to live as Kim forever, but maybe…one more year.  Just to see how things work out.”

Lori hugged me.  “Kim, maybe I’m not the one to be telling this to.”

Despite the fact that it was eleven at night, I took a cab over to Patrick’s place.  There was no answer, but the light was on, so I continued to bang.  Eventually he came to the door, wearing nothing but a towel, and soaking wet.

“Kim!” he gasped, surprised to see me.  I barged into his apartment and shoved his bare chest as hard as I could.  

“You jerk!”

“Hey, what’s the big idea?”  He was confused.

“You jerk!  I had my life all planned out, and then you come along…come along…” I started crying again.  “You jerk!” I sobbed, and buried my head in his chest hair.

He wrapped his damp arms around me and held me.  Finally, I pulled myself together.  “I’m so confused, Patrick.  I don’t know what I want anymore.  But I don’t think I can leave you.  I’m not promising anything, but…I can do another year as Kimberly.  One year, that’s all I promise.  I’ll be able to make a decision one way or another after that.”

I didn’t have time to say anything else.  Patrick grabbed me and gave me a five-minute kiss.  Finally, I broke free.  “Er, Patrick, I think, your towel fell off.”

“Did it?” he asked, running his hands over the back of my skirt.

“Put some pants on.”  Men.  Always one thing on their minds.

The next day, Patrick proposed to me on the shoot.  Kunyak commented on how this time, it really seemed like we were in love.  Who knows, maybe he was right?

As June wore around, Kunyak brought up the topic that I had been dreading: swimsuits.  The shot called for Patrick and I to spend a day on a North Carolina beach with our ‘friends,’ displaying a wide variety of beachwear.  I was nervous.  How was I going to fit into a woman’s bathing suit?  Lori had always claimed to have the situation under control, but would never elaborate.  Well, it was time for her to come clean.

“Don’t worry,” she said, when I brought up the conundrum that night.  “I told Kunyak that I had a special bathing suit I wanted you to wear.  He approved it.”

“So what is it?  How will it cover up…you know?”  Recently, I had found myself unwilling to mention my true gender, even to Lori.  As for Patrick, he never brought up the true state of things.

Lori escorted me into my bedroom, and told me to disrobe.  This time, it didn’t even occur to me to feel any sort of shame.  Why shouldn’t a girl get dressed in the same room as her sister?

As Lori left to fetch the swimsuit, I regarded my body.  My breasts had blossomed.  I still only had A cups, but so did a lot of woman.  I could, I supposed, shuck all upper body padding, but decided against it.  The whole crew, Mr. Kunyak included, thought I was well endowed, and I couldn’t very well let them know otherwise.

My hips were rounded, my stomach flat, my skin smoothed.  Now that I thought about it, all that was left of my maleness were my genitals.  I looked at my small, withered, and almost forgotten penis.  It really wouldn’t be so hard to hide.

Lori interrupted me by smacking my bare butt with a towel.  I squeaked and jumped away.  “So what kind of suit do you have for me?” I asked.

“A bikini!”

“You have got to be joking!”

“But I’m not.  The hormones have really changed your appearance.  It just took a little ingenuity on my part, and I’ve made you a suit that will make you rival any swimsuit model you’ve ever seen.”

My curiosity aroused, I took a look at what Lori displayed to me.  The lower half of the suit was composed of a pair of loose fitting, women’s bathing trunks.  They allowed me to show off most of my thighs and the area below my navel, but still covered my manhood.  A latex sex-hiding device was sewn into the inside.  I quickly grunted my way into it.  Not bad.  Not bad at all.

The top of the bikini was a large, spandex halter-top.  Inside the cups, two foam pads were sewn, to give me the impression of large breasts.  The top covered everything from the bottom of my neck to the bottom of my ribcage, covering up all areas where my breasts supposedly were.  My arms, back, and shoulders were exposed to the air.

I twisted and twirled around in front of the mirror.  “Lori, you are a genius.  I never thought you could do it, but you made me look great in a two piece!”

“I didn’t do anything.  You made yourself look great!”  We hugged.

The beach shoot was one of the most grueling we’d done yet, and lasted for three days.  We played volleyball, barbecued, and swam.  Most of these activities I had to perform while wearing makeup, dangling earrings, and heels.  I had to hand it to Lori, not once did anyone suspect a thing.  Eventually, we came to the last shot.

It was of Patrick and I, laying down in front of a beach fire at night.  I’d be laying back on a towel, with Patrick bending over me.  The next shot would be Patrick and I, kneeling in front of each other.  Patrick would be untying the back of my top.  The final shot, only our feet would be visible behind a sand dune.  In the foreground would lie Patrick’s trunks and my entire swimsuit.

After everything was over, Patrick and I sat alone on the sand dune, still wearing our swimsuits (we weren’t really naked behind the dune; they were extra suits in the foreground).  We stared lazily at the dwindling fire.  Patrick put his arm around me.  I winced.

“What’s wrong, honey?” he asked, concerned.

“I didn’t put on enough lotion today.  I’m burned.”  In the firelight I pulled back part of my top, revealing the contrast between my sunburn and the covered area.  I now had a bikini tan.

Patrick retrieved some aloe from his bad and began rubbing it in my shoulders.  “That feels good.  Don’t stop.”  Soon he had rubbed my entire back, arms, neck, and legs.  I lay down so I could enjoy his touch more.  I guess I wasn’t surprised when he undid the back of my top to have easier access to my back.

It doesn’t take a genius to guess what happened next.  My top came off, soon I was being kissed and fondled in a way I had never experienced before.  I didn’t move, I felt like I was melting.  Soon, Patrick was groping with my shorts.

“No, Patrick…”

“Kim, I love you.  I need you.”

“Oh Patrick…”

“Let me make love to you.”

“Patrick…be gentle.  It’s my first time.”

*

There was pain, but more pleasure.  There were tears, but more smiles.  There was regret, but more relief.  My decision was made.

An hour later, Patrick and I went for a midnight skinny dip.  The ocean at night had always scared me, but with Patrick’s arms around me, I felt safer than I ever had.  Soon we were in up to our necks.  He kissed me in the moonlight.

“Kim, I love you.”

“I love you Patrick.”

“I want to marry you.  Will you marry me?”

That was totally unexpected.  “Patrick…”

“I promised myself I’d wait until you had more time to think about things.  But tonight, I realize I don’t need any time.  I’m going to love you forever, and I won’t be happy until you are my wife.  You don’t have to make a decision now; take your time.  Take a year if you need it.  But I want you to know just how deep my feelings are for you.”

I let him hold me.  I felt drowsy.  I remember the warmth of the water, the silver of the moon, the ache between my legs.  “Patrick, I don’t need a year.  I don’t need another minute.  I love you.  I want to be your bride.”  And there you have it.

*
Kunyak was ecstatic when we told him we wanted to get married on the set.  The final page of the catalog would show our actual wedding.  Mr. Kunyak said that you couldn’t buy publicity like that.  An actual wedding?  Two models who fell in love on the set?  People would go nuts!

The wedding was easy enough to set up.  It was simply a matter of finding a cameraman who was subtle enough not to interrupt the ceremony, and getting some of our guests to wear Kunyak’s designs.

I remember Mom started crying when my maid of honor, Lori, walked down the aisle, arm in arm with Patrick’s best man.  She wasn’t ashamed, she had made that clear.  She was just weepy.  After all, her youngest daughter was getting married.

As the wedding march played, I paused.  This was truly it.  There was no going back.  I couldn’t very well get married to a man and then decide I didn’t want to be a woman anymore.  But then I caught site of my groom waiting for me.  Patrick.  I had to stop myself from running down the aisle to be next to him.

Of course, Lori had designed my gown (and the gowns of my bridesmaids).  My gown was white, with a long train, huge ribbons, and a veil.  I felt like the most feminine person on the planet.  Who cares if I was still, technically a man?  We managed to wrangle a legitimate marriage certificate, and the union was legal.  Maybe someday I’d have a full sex change, but we’d worry about that later.

Patrick and I danced every dance at the reception.  Mostly with each other, though of course he danced with my mom, Lori, and Greta; I danced with Dr. Klaus, Slim, and Randy (hands where I can seem them, please).

Eventually,  it was all over.  We drove to the hotel where we’d spend the night, before going off on our honeymoon (a trip to Hawaii, Mr. Kunyak’s wedding gift).  

Patrick picked me up and carried me across the threshold, laying me gently in bed.  “Kim, you’ve made me the happiest man on earth.”

“Oh Patrick, I love you so much.”  We kissed.  We then wasted no time removing each other’s clothes.  The catalog originally called of some honeymoon shots, but you have to draw the line somewhere.  Tonight was ours, and ours alone.

“Kim,” he said, as he turned out the light.  “We’re going to have a wonderful life together.  Welcome to our new life.”

I kissed him and let him take me.  Our new life?  You bet.  My new life?  Absolutely.