Part Two: A Different Kind of Coed (2001)

By Czolgolz
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And so the school year drew to a close. Brenda, true to her word, never mentioned prom again. She happily introduced me to her friends as her boyfriend. I was on cloud nine. Nothing could stand in our way now, she hadn't heard from Andy since prom. I should have been happy, but

But we were out of high school now. Brenda, with her great grades, extra-curricular activities, and volunteer work had no trouble securing scholarships. I, on the other hand, was in a world of hurt. My grades were good enough to get into college, but not quite good enough for anyone to want to send me for free. I hadn't excelled in any sports, and I wasn't president of any clubs. I was poor, but not quite poor enough to get a grant in that respect. My only option was to get a student loan. But I couldn't.

I wanted to open up a small business when I graduated, I felt that's something I could excel in. But that required a MBA, which would require six or seven years of college. And when I finished with that, I'd need a loan to get the business off the ground. With all that borrowing money, I'd be fifty before I was out of debt. Better I start working now and pay for school up front.

But there was Brenda. She had always wanted to study law. And she had just been accepted into an excellent pre-law program in Washington State. It was too good an opportunity for her to miss. And it was on the other side of the country.

Brenda seemed as heartbroken as I was. "Why don't you come with me?" she asked, the day she found out about her scholarship. "Just work in Washington, in a few years you can start school."

"I can't, honey. Here I can live at home, free food, rent. There every cent I earned would go to living expenses. And I can't live with you in the dorms, can I?"

"Then I'll get an apartment. I'll buy your food, give you some spending money " she stopped short, realizing how condescending that sounded.

"Listen, Brenda. I'm going to bust my butt for the next couple of years until I can get into school. I'll make it there."

"And we'll just be apart all that time? I don't think so!" For a second I thought she was going to break it off with me. But I had underestimated her.

"Robert, I don't need to go all the way to Washington. I can go to the community college."

Now it was my turn to get angry. "You are not going to throw away your dreams on account of me! An opportunity like yours doesn't come along every day."

Brenda put her arm around me. "A guy like you doesn't come around every day, either. Just hang tight, Robert. I'm going to figure out a way to take you with me." Then she shut me up with a kiss.

Just when it seemed that Brenda was going to leave me, she shanghaied me on the street and drove me to her house. "I have some incredible news, Robert! I've been researching some scholarships for you. Guess what? I applied for one in your name, and you've been accepted!"

It would have been appropriate had a choir of angels descended from the heavens singing 'alleluia,' but I was happy enough as it was. "You're kidding! I thought I went through the scholarship book cover to cover!"

"I know a trick or two. You've got a full ride. Just maintain a B average and don't get into trouble."

"Brenda, I don't know how I can ever think you."

"Um, you might want to hold off on that."

"Why?" We had reached her house.

"Come inside, Robert. There's something I need to tell you about this scholarship. Something not so good."

I felt nervous. "What?" I asked, when we were in her bedroom. "Will I have to work in the dining hall or something? No problem." Brenda looked grim.

"Robert, have you ever heard of the Virginia H. Booth Memorial Fund?" I shook my head.

"Once a year, the university gives it to a young woman."

It all came clear. "You have got to be joking!"

"Listen. Full ride, no questions, no strings but you'd have to, um, play the part."

"Play the part?"

"Be Roberta full time, for four years."

"Brenda, what is with you and making me a sissy? I'm sorry, no scholarship is worth that. Nothing is worth that!"

"Including me?" I looked at my girlfriend. She looked like she was about to cry. She grabbed me by the arms so hard it hurt. "Robert, I'm not losing you. Not for college, not for anything."

"Calm down, Brenda."

"Calm down? The hell I will! You're the only man I've ever loved! Do you love me, Robert?"

"You know I do."

"Then what more do we need?" She laughed, a high pitched, crazy sounding laugh. "Can't you just pretend for a few years? Aren't I worth that?"

"Brenda, it's not about you."

"Then here's the deal, Robert. If I can't take you with me, I'm staying here with you."

That frightened me. "And do what? Work at the mall? Take night school classes? Is that what you want?"

"I want you! Either come with me or I stay!"

I began to fear Brenda would do something crazy. "Brenda, let's say, just for a moment, I went with you. What would it involve?"

"You'd live as a woman, full time. You'd dress like Roberta, go to class like Roberta, become Roberta."

"Easy for you to say. What's in it for me?"

"A college education. And me. Is that worth anything to you?" She started to cry. Not bawling, just tears streaming down her face.

"Brenda, don't do that."

"We'll even room together!" she said, desperately. "People with think we're friends, only you and I will know the truth! Say yes."

"But what will my mom say?"

"She won't know! When she visits you can dress as Robert and pretend to be living with a male friend. I'm sure we'll meet someone who will help us out."

"What if she stops by unannounced?"

"She lives so far away she probably won't visit more that a couple of times a year. And would she risk flying all the way out and missing you because you went for coffee? Trust me, she'll always call ahead."

My head ached. "I'll do it, Robert," Brenda persisted. "I'll drop out today if you want me to."

"I don't want that."

"Then you'll come with me?"

"I didn't say that."

"One or the other. Be Roberta or I quit school. Or dump me, if that's what you want."

None of the choices appealed to me, but I wasn't about to lose Brenda or ruin her life. "OK. I'll do it. But I'm only agreeing to a year. After that maybe we can figure something else out."

Brenda laid her head on my shoulder and I hugged her while she wept.

That's how I found myself entering my new college dorm wearing another navel baring shirt, short shorts, and heels. Brenda had spent the summer shopping for new clothes for me. I now had enough hose, skirts, dresses, and jewelry to last me through the next millennium. I left home a few days before I was supposed to arrive at college, just so I could spend a weekend at Brenda's house, getting all made up.

"This is going to be for a lot longer than one night, so you really have to look the part," said Brenda as she gave me my umpteenth makeup lesson. "I'm not going to be able to do this for you, so you might as well learn now." After many hours under the makeup lights, a thousand changes of clothes, and two industrial sized cans of hair remover, Brenda pronounced me pretty enough to go out in public.

Up until the moment we arrived Brenda continued placing 'finishing touches' on me. She had forced me to grow my hair longer so she could teach me how to style it like a girl's. She treated me to a full body wax at Mary Ann's salon. And the very last day before we left for Washington, she made me get my ears pierced.

So now we stood, taking in the small dorm that would be our home for the next year, at least. It wasn't much to look at, just two desks, two closets, and two twin beds. "We'll have to push those together at night," giggled Brenda. One bonus of this room was it had a private bathroom. I wouldn't have to worry about someone seeing me in the shower.

"Brenda, why am I doing this?"

She took my hand. "Nervous?"

I nodded. "I had to lie to my mother; she things I'm off pledging a frat somewhere. Everyone around me thinks I'm a girl. Do you really want a boyfriend who shares his earrings with you?" My new role in life obviously hadn't done much for my low self-image.

Brenda kissed me. "You're the boyfriend I want. I don't care about anything else. With you by my side then I can't think of a single other thing I want out of life." She started to kiss me again, but there was a knock at our door.

I opened the door and shrieked. There stood Crystal, Mary Ann's buxom son. "Hi stranger," he smiled.

Crystal obviously hadn't gone through with his vow to return to manhood before college. If anything, he looked more girlish than before. He had lost some weight, making him look less girlish and more womanly. He must have still been taking the hormones; the low-cut shirt he was wearing showed off a great deal of cleavage. He was the very picture of a pretty young coed.

I grabbed him by his hand and yanked him inside. "Crystal! My goodness, I certainly never expected to see you here!"

"I could say the same for you! What happened to 'this is just for prom night'?"

Brenda brought Crystal up to speed about my monetary troubles and our solution. "So how about you?" she continued. "I thought you were just trying to help out around the beauty salon."

Crystal smiled coyly. "I know. I always figured I'd become Christopher again before I went off to school, but I kept putting it off. Finally, the application deadlines had arrived, and I was still using the girl's locker room. I guess it won't kill me to experience my freshman year as Crystal."

"What did your mother say?" I asked.

"She told me not to break too many hearts." Crystal was lucky he didn't have to explain things to her mom. I knew mine wouldn't be that understanding if she found out.

Soon we were all giggling and catching up on old times. Crystal, much to our disappointment, wasn't living in the dorms, but a small apartment off of campus. He promised he'd get together with us every day.

With Crystal's help, Brenda and I began unpacking our things. "So, Roberta," quipped Crystal as he put away some of my lingerie. "Is this the college experience you dreamed of?"

I reddened. "The part about living in the girl's dorms wasn't in my plans. But dating a beautiful woman was always the dream." Brenda winked at me.

Crystal excused himself to go to the bathroom and touch up his makeup. When I was certain he couldn't hear us, I turned to Brenda.

"You don't think that could happen to me, do you?"

"What?"

"Start thinking like a girl like Crystal does?"

Brenda laughed. "Crystal obviously was thinking like a girl for a long time. He loves it, he wouldn't do it otherwise. You, you just want to be able to shower with me in the morning."

There was another rap on the door. Brenda shouted 'Come in.'

In walked a very handsome young man. He was tall, blonde, well proportioned, and carried a clipboard. His good looks were marred by one thing: he only had one arm. His left one was missing just below the shoulder. His shirt sleeve was pinned shut, I tried to keep myself from looking at his amputation.

"Hello ladies. You must be Brenda and Roberta," he said, checking his clipboard. "My name's Chett Rogers. I'm the student advisor for this group of residence halls."

"I'm very pleased to meet you," said Brenda, gently shaking his hand. I instantly felt jealous. I think Brenda sensed it because she immediately backed off. "And this is my friend, Roberta." Chett shook my hand.

"Well ladies, I'll leave you to your unpacking. Just wanted to let you know that I live in room one in the men's dorm across the way. Just stop by if you have any questions or problems."

Before we could answer, Crystal came out of the bathroom. He stopped short when he saw Chett. They both blinked and stared at each other for a couple of seconds.

"Um, hi, um, I'm Chett," stammered the student advisor, suddenly much less poised than he had been a few seconds ago.

"I'm Crystal," he replied. They shook hands and seemed to hold on just a little bit longer than custom dictated.

"I'm the student advisor," continued Chett, self-consciously. "Do you live in the dorms?"

"No, I don't," replied Crystal, seemingly disappointed at the fact. Brenda and I commenced to snickering under our breaths. They liked each other!

Chett seemed at a loss for something to say, but didn't seem eager to leave, either. He leaned against a desk, slipped, and dropped his papers all over the floor. His lack of a second hand caused him a bit of difficulty getting things squared away. I bent over to help him and was nearly bowled over by Crystal rushing to help him first.

"I'm almost done here," said Chett, regaining his composure. "Would you, um, like to grab a cup of coffee or something?"

"I'd love to," said Crystal, before he had finished the question. They left without saying goodbye.

"Oh, that is so cute!" squealed Brenda.

"I'm not so sure," I answered.

"What do you mean? They make a nice couple."

"They might think so. But Chett has no idea of Crystal's secret."

Brenda paused. "I hadn't thought of that."

"I just hope he's careful. If Crystal gets in too deep with that guy, or any guy, he could find himself in a lot of trouble."

A month had passed. My first month in college, and more importantly, my first month living full time as Roberta. While I never truly got used to the idea, I have to say I grew more accustomed to it. One of the hardest things about it was getting ready in the morning.

Like most guys, I had been used to just flopping from the bed to the shower, then out of the shower to getting dressed and leaving. Not any more.

First, I had to spend about twice a long in the shower as I had before. Now that my hair was long, it too much longer to wash. Then there was the matter of shaving my legs and armpits. I found this chore particularly odious. True, many women nowadays opt for the 'natural' look, but I wasn't about to do anything that would make anyone suspect I was really a guy. My legs were smooth every day.

Then came the hair. For the first week of school, Brenda forced me to practice doing my hair an hour every night until at last she agreed I knew what I was doing. Soon I was a bit on an expert on women's hair styling. Sometimes I would even do Brenda's hair.

Next came the makeup. Brenda experimented on me for hours until she found the perfect colors for my pale, freckled complexion. Eyeliner, lipstick, and mascara were all part of my daily routine.

The hardest part was picking out my clothes. I had no sense of fashion, so I relied on Brenda to pick things out for me. Of course, this meant the most feminine things she could possibly find. My rubber sex-hiding device worked overtime, scrunching me into those tight jeans. I found myself doing sit ups every night, since nearly every outfit I owned showed of my tummy. Not shaving for a day wasn't an option, not with all those sleeveless shirts Brenda made me wear. And of course, I barely remembered what a pair of flats looked like.

But it was all worth it. At night, when Brenda would step out of the bathroom wearing nothing but her underwear, the way she bought us matching lingerie, waking up in her arms--I would have done anything for her.

One afternoon, as we sat in the student union studying, I noticed Brenda smiling at me in an odd way. "What?" I asked, looking up from my book.

"There's a couple of guys over there. I think they're giving us the eye. Oh my God, here they come!"" I froze. How I hated all the extra attention I got from men!

I remember very little about this pair, other than they were obviously interested in Brenda and myself. They introduced themselves. "Hello," said Brenda. "I'm Brenda." I seethed internally. Why did she have to be such a flirt? I never expected her to cheat on me, but she always seemed so ready to invite interested men over to talk to us. I was about to get up and leave when Brenda spoke again. "And this is Roberta. My girlfriend." There was a long pause. Had I heard her correctly?

The guys suddenly found they had something else to do and left in a hurry. I grabbed Brenda by the arm. "Did you mean to say that?" I asked, both shocked and delighted.

"Of course. I've been thinking about all the sacrifices you've made to be with me. You're the one who has to live as someone else. The least I can do is let the world know how much I love you. It might keep the guys away from you, at any rate."

"But Brenda, what will people think?"

"They'll think that we're in love. And it's the truth, isn't it?"

"But won't you be embarrassed?"

"Of you? Not in a million years." She then kissed me, in full view of the student union.

I quickly learned that there is a difference in the way society sees male and female homosexuals. While gay men still bear the brunt of societies prejudices and fears, lesbians are looked upon more as a novelty. When Brenda started introducing us a couple, we got a lot of surprised (and sometimes ignorant) responses, but very little wrath. Still, I would have much rather been a normal couple.

Crystal hung out with us quite a bit. Unlike me, Crystal rarely, if ever mentioned his true gender. He honestly seemed to want us to pretend he was a normal eighteen-year-old girl. Brenda and I never said anything to the contrary.

Crystal and Chett, the one-armed student advisor, had hit it off right away. "He's such a sweetie," Crystal told us after their first 'date' together. "He's smart, funny, and so cute!"

"So," asked Brenda, "did you kiss?"

Crystal blushed. A few days later I caught them sitting in a bench on the quad, most definitely kissing (and then some!). I felt I had to say something.

"Crystal," I ventured, when we were alone together. "What's up with you and Chett?"

"I think he likes me," giggled Crystal.

"That's an understatement. So ?"

"So what?"

"So have you told him?"

"About what?" asked Crystal, with an expression that showed he knew exactly what.

"About the true state of things."

Crystal got up and began pacing. Without looking at me, he spoke. "What do you have to bring that up?"

"Because I'm worried about you." I placed my hands on his shoulders.

"I'll be fine. We're just dating."

"He has a right to know. The longer you carry this on, the worse things will be when he finds out."

He turned to me. "We're just dating. I'm not going to marry him!"

"True. But can you honestly say you're being fair with him?"

Tears streamed down Crystal's cheeks. "What's wrong with me? Just a few years ago I was a teenage boy! Now look at me!" His curvy frame and well made up face did little to suggest masculinity.

"Crystal, do you enjoy being a girl?" Crystal hung his head.

"I don't know. But the longer I do it, the longer I want to do it. Maybe I should just drop out of school and change back to Christopher."

"Do you want that?" He shook his head.

"Then don't. I only became Roberta because I was afraid of losing Brenda. I think you became Crystal because you're pretty damn good at it."

Crystal smiled at me. "You really think so?"

I pulled him over to the mirror. "Tell me you don't see a sexy young girl there."

"Nope," replied Crystal, "I see two." I ducked away, ashamed.

"So, what do you plan to do?" I asked Crystal.

"I don't know. You really think it's unfair for me to keep dating Chett, don't you?"

"It's unfair to both of you."

Crystal sat down on my bed. "Look. Chett seems like a confident guy, but It's only been a year since he lost his arm. Drunk driver. He was engaged at the time and she dumped him. Instead of being there when he needed her, she just returned the ring and never looked back.

"He needs me, Roberta. I can't leave him now. He's hurting inside, and I think I'm helping him. I can't dump him."

I sat down next to Crystal and put my arm around his shoulder. "It's your choice. Just be careful."

That night, Brenda and I lay in bed in each other's arms. I enjoyed the feel of my girlfriend next to me. When we made love, it was the only time I felt even slightly manly. Tired and spent, we caressed each other and talked.

"My parents called today," mentioned Brenda. "They wanted to know how I was getting along with my roommate."

"So what did you tell them?"

"That we were closer than sisters." We both giggled. Then I winced.

"Something wrong, Roberta?"

"It's my back. I think I overdid it at the gym today." Staying skinny had recently become an obsession with me; a beer gut would give me away in a second.

"Turn over." Brenda began to rub my naked back.

"You know," she continued, "you should take some vitamins." She kneaded my flesh. "I picked some up today, why don't you take some?" I consented, not really thinking about it. Brenda gave me two tablets with a glass of water, and insisted that I take them every day.

Chett was surprised when he learned that Brenda and I were more than roommates, but he ensured us that he was a 'modern type of guy' and he wouldn't think of us any differently. I wondered. The number of guys who had crassly asked me if they could watch Brenda and I make out (or more) left me wondering if every man didn't harbor some kind of woman on woman fantasy.

At any rate, Brenda, Chett, Crystal, and myself started spending a lot of time together. It was sort of like double dating, but sort of not. Looking back, we certainly were an odd menagerie: me, pretending to be a girl, Brenda, pretending to be a lesbian, Crystal, pretending to be a girl as well, and Chett, thinking he was dating a woman. If Chett was sensitive about his missing arm, he had no idea that he was the most normal person in our group.

I never tried to urge Crystal to tell Chett the truth again. But I continued to hope that he would make a clean breast of it. The longer they stayed together, the deeper their feelings would be for each other. And I didn't think Chett would be too happy if and when he found out about things.

It all came to a head one October afternoon. We were going over to Crystal's apartment to barbecue for the last time that year. He had a little grill set up on his back patio, it was usually a lot of fun. But when Brenda and I arrived we could hear Chett and Crystal yelling before we rounded the corner.

"No, I don't understand!" shouted Chett. "We were doing so well, why do you want to end things all of a sudden?"

Crystal seemed heartbroken. "I don't want to. I just have to."

"You just have to? Sorry, you'll have to do better than that." Brenda and I stood at the side of the building, wondering weather or not to announce our presence. We were obviously hearing something private, but we were also expected.

Crystal continued. "I like you, Chett, but things are getting too serious. I want you to back off."

"Is it someone else?"

"No, nothing like that."

"Is it because of my arm?" Crystal was right, he was awfully paranoid about that.

"Chett, of course not!"

"What else could it be? You just must have gotten tired of dating a freak!"

"Chett, stop it!"

"You wanna leave me? Fine, everyone else does. But don't think I'm some sort of mutant! I'm a man, damn it!"

"So am I!" I ventured a peek around the corner, to see how Chett had taken the unexpected confession. He stood there, stunned, half-expecting Crystal to be joking. Crystal, facing in my direction, saw me.

"Brenda, Roberta, would you mind taking a rain check on dinner? We have to discuss some things."

Brenda and I retreated back to the dorm. "What do you think is going to happen?" I asked Brenda.

"I don't know. I'm sure Chett never expected that."

"You don't think he'll get violent, do you?"

"I doubt it. But now that he knows he's been making out with a man for two months, he's not going to be happy."

"What should we do?"

"Wait. Say, Roberta, you don't look so good."

I was rubbing my belly. "It's my stomach. It hurts. I feel all bulky."

"You're just retaining water," joked Brenda.

"Very funny." Still, what she said wasn't far from the truth. I did feel fatter. I had gained weight in my hips and chest. I had to start exercising more.

A few hours later we got a phone call. "It's Crystal," said the voice on the other end. "Could you come over?"

Brenda and I hurried over. Crystal breathlessly answered the door. "It's going to be OK," he told us, before we even had a chance to sit down. "Chett understood. He was shocked, but he wasn't angry."

"That's great news!" I said, hugging him.

"Um I guess."

"What's wrong?" I asked, on my guard.

"Roberta, I'm sorry. But when I was telling him about me I let it slip about you, too."

I was horrified. "You had no right!" I snapped.

"Please don't be mad. I didn't want him to think I was some kind of freak. He really took it well. I think he was more relieved that this wasn't about his arm."

"You promise he can keep a secret?"

"He won't tell."

"You can't be sure!"

"Would you like to hear it from him? Give him a call."

Wordlessly, I dialed his number.

"Hello, Chett?"

"Ah, Roberta, I wanted to talk to you."

"Yes. Chett, you recently heard something about me "

"Roberta, please don't worry. Crystal explained everything. I swear, that's a secret that will die with me."

"You mean it? I can't live my life wondering if anyone will find out "

"I swear. I won't tell anyone about you. Or Brenda for that matter."

"About Brenda? What about Brenda?"

"You know that she's secretly a guy, like you and Crystal."

"She's...?" I paused. "I appreciate that, Chett. Talk to you later."

"What did he say?" asked Brenda.

"He said he would never tell anyone that the three of us are really men."

"That great...what? What did you say?"

"He wouldn't tell anyone that we were really three guys."

Brenda looked at Crystal in horror. "What did you tell him?"

"Well," Crystal smiled, slyly. "When I told him about Roberta, I felt so guilty. I decided to tell him the same thing about you so he'd realize it wasn't such an odd practice." I was trying not to laugh by this time.

"How dare you!"

"It was an accident. Trust me, he won't think less of you."

"That's not the point! How can I let someone think that I'm some kind of some kind of..." Brenda became aware that we were looking at her very pointedly.

"Some kind of what?" I asked.

"I mean, I don't want him to think that I'm a...um I mean, how would you like it..." she petered off. There was nothing she could say that wouldn't be an insult to the both of us.

I put my arm around Brenda. "Lighten up, hon. Welcome to the club!"

Brenda sat down and sulked. I ignored her. "So Crystal," I continued. "Now that Chett knows your secret, are you two still going to date?"

He shook his head sadly. "No. He was happy that I didn't dump him because I thought he was unappealing, but he won't take me back. Having a male girlfriend was more than he could take."

That night, I lay alone in my bed. Brenda had made no pretense of joining me. I wondered how long she'd give me the silent treatment.

"Hey Brenda," I said with an evil smile, "what's wrong? Jock itch? Or did the Rams loose again?"

Brenda responded by creaming me with a pillow. "That's not funny, you jerk!"

"I think it is. Now you have a slight idea about how I feel."

"At least you're supposed to feel like a guy in a dress! I am a girl!"

"I'd appreciate it if you would remember exactly why I'm dressed like a girl." Brenda shot a pathetic look in my direction. I pressed on.

"I gave up my gender to be with you."

"Can't we just tell the truth to Chett?"

"Nope. If he realizes you aren't a guy, he might suspect the same thing about me and Crystal. Then Crystal would be back to square one with him. You're going to have to live with it."

I got up and put my arms around Brenda. She still wouldn't face me. "C'mon honey. For me?" She looked at me grimly, then smiled in spite of herself.

"For you." We kissed, then helped each other off with our clothes.

In the sweaty aftermath, I looked down at my body. Brenda noticed and asked me what was up.

"Living as a woman is starting to mess with my head. I feel like I look girlie, even when I'm naked."

"How so?"

"Well, my skin seems a lot smoother, for one. And my hips are bigger. And my nipples, they seem bigger, as well. And..." I paused.

"Robert, Jr?" asked Brenda.

"So you noticed. I had a real hard time getting it up tonight. I'm sorry honey."

Brenda kissed me. "Shut up. I'm sure it's nothing, you're just getting into your role. If it would help, we can make love like women from now on. With our mouths." Brenda began kissing me on my chest. My extra-sensitive nipples felt like they were going to burst. Why should that be? I put the thought aside and just enjoyed Brenda's touch.

A few weeks later, Crystal held a party at his apartment. About fifty people showed up. Crystal had become quite popular on campus. I'm sure none of his new friends suspected that he was really a man.

Midway through the festivities, I sat on a couch. I hadn't been feeling well lately. I felt all weak and fragile. But at the same time, I was gaining weight, especially in my chest. I'd been exercising like nuts but still hadn't managed to shed my excess poundage.

"Hey, wanna dance?" Jesus, not again. I had grown to hate parties, seems like every guy and his brother wanted to 'get to know me.'

"I'll have to ask my girlfriend," I smiled back at him, looking over at Brenda in a meaningful way. He backed off, just like every other guy who realized there was no chance of me sleeping with him. Not feeling like fending anyone else off, I joined Brenda.

She was deep in conversation with a very inebriated Chett. "You don't understand," she insisted. "I'm not really a guy."

Chett hiccuped. "I understand. Gender is all in the mind. You're whatever sex you believe yourself to be."

"No, I mean, I was born a woman!"

"And I was born a man. You live how you want to live, you don't owe me any explanations." He swerved off to join some friends.

I tapped Brenda on the shoulder. She squirmed, caught in the act. "It really chaps your ass that Chett thinks you're a man, doesn't it?" I asked as we sat down.

"Yes, it does. I know that may insult you, but I can't help it. I'm sorry honey, but I can't stand being thought of as a male, for any reason, by anyone."

"You're nearly ask crazy as I am. Want to dance?"

The party ended several hours after midnight. Brenda had ridden back to the dorm with another friend, I had stayed until the end. Now, the only ones left were me, Crystal, and Chett, who was passed out drunk on the couch.

"What a mess!" sighed Crystal, looking at the wreckage of his apartment.

"I'll help you clean up."

"No, you get on home. I'll take care of it in the morning."

"So what are you going to do about him?" I gestured to Chett, flat on his back with his one arm draped over his face. "Stick him in a cab?"

"Not in that state." Crystal gingerly removed Chett's shoes, then draped a blanket over him. When he thought I wasn't looking, he bent over and kissed Chett's cheek.

"I'm going to head on out of here, then," I said, pulling on my coat.

"You'll be OK? Good. I'm going to take a shower and call it a night." Crystal hugged me, then took off for the bathroom.

Feeling guilty about leaving all the mess for Crystal, I went into the kitchen to do a few dishes. It was funny, really. Chett and Crystal made such a good couple. It's too bad Crystal really wasn't a girl, then he could date Chett, no worries.

As I filled up the sink, I heard Chett stir, then get up. I waited for him to join me in the kitchen, but then realized he was headed in the opposite direction. 'Must be going to the bathroom,' I thought. The bathroom? Oh, dear God!

Still tripping on my heels, I made it to the bathroom, just as Chett closed the door behind him. I stopped, not knowing what I should do. The water wasn't running, but Crystal had had plenty of time to disrobe.

I placed my ear to the door. I heard Crystal and Chett gasp with surprise. There was a long, long pause. Then I heard Crystal giggle, followed by the sound of the shower starting. Then someone turned on Crystal's waterproof shower radio. I took my cue and left.

The next day I didn't even wait for breakfast before I called Crystal to find out what had happened. He asked me to meet her for breakfast in the cafeteria.

I found him sitting alone at a table, an untouched bowl of cereal in front of him. He was staring off into space, a dreamy expression on his face.

"Crystal?" I ventured, joining him. "What's up?"

Crystal turned in face towards me. He was dressed in jeans and a blouse, no makeup, no jewelry. Even like that, no one would have taken him for anything but a young co-ed. He smiled at me. "Hi, Roberta."

"So speak! What happened?"

"Well, Chett walked in on me, right when I had undressed. I was standing there, not a stitch on. If he ever had doubts about my...you know they must have ended at that minute.

"I expected him to leave, all grossed out. But he just took me by the shoulders and kissed me. Then he gently shoved me into the shower while he undressed."

I was surprised, but happily so. Maybe it had been the alcohol, but Chett had shown that he wasn't opposed to a relationship with Crystal. I pictured Chett and Crystal, naked in the shower, man and woman.

"The things we did Roberta, the things he did to me, the things I let him do. The way he touched me, the way he kissed me, held me...

"I always looked on being Crystal as a temporary part of my life. Every time Mom asked me about it, I told her I was just experimenting, seeing life from the other side of things. Now after Chett, after last night I can't go back. He forced me into a decision, he made me chose the road of femininity. I'm just going to become more and more of a woman. More and more of his woman."

I couldn't help it. I reached over and gave Crystal a big hug. "So what are you going to do now?"

"Chett wants me to be his girlfriend. I'll give you two guesses how I answered. I'll stay in college, save my money, and after a few years I'll have an operation to make me a full time woman."

"Crystal, you're going to be great."

"So how about you? Can I make you a reservation at the hospital with me?" she joked.

"Oh, Lord, no! I'm just doing this to be with Brenda, womanhood means nothing to me."

"Are you sure?" asked Crystal, looking at my clothes pointedly. The cold weather had set in; I was wearing an angora sweater, jeans, and boots. My hair hung luxuriously down my back, and I had recently added another set of earrings. As usual, my face was all made up.

"Of course I'm sure," I said, nervously playing with an earring.

"That's too bad. You sure make a good girl."

"Well, after this year, I'm going to figure out a way to go back to being Robert." Of course, I didn't have the slightest idea how to do that yet.

Crystal smiled and took a small pill bottle out of his purse. "Anything wrong?" I asked.

"Oh, no. They're just my hormones. Got to look good for Chett, don't I? Hey, where are you running off to?" I didn't stop to explain. The pills Crystal was taking were exactly the same as the 'vitamins' Brenda had been feeding me.

I cut class and returned to my dorm. Brenda wasn't there, and I disrobed, taking off the sex-hiding device last. I regarded my nude figure with contempt in Brenda's big mirror.

How could I have been so blind? Did I not notice how soft my skin was getting? How my muscles were wasting away? How I now had hips as wide as Brenda's? And my breasts! While I had succeeded in flattening my belly, my chest had expanded. I had had to buy a smaller pair of fake tits to accommodate my growing chest! How dark and wide nipples now were! How sensitive they had become, Brenda loved playing with them, she knew how it turned me on.

How stupid I had been! My own girlfriend, sneaking me estrogen! She must have thought seeing me grow boobs was a funny joke! That making me impotent was hilarious! How could she have done such a thing? I didn't know whether to laugh or scream.

I was interrupted from my thoughts by the very object of my anger. Brenda had returned to pick up some books for her next lecture.

"Hey, honey," she smiled, not noticing my furious expression. "Ooh, all naked! Well, I have a few minutes "

Her smile turned to fear when I hurled my bottle of pills at her. "What in the hell is this? What the hell are you trying to do to me?" I shrilled.

"They're ... they're vitamins," she protested lamely.

"Vitamins my ass! It's these vitamins that gave Crystal her C cups !"

"Roberta, honey, let me explain," she moved tentatively towards me.

"Back off, you bitch! Haven't you done enough to me?" Brenda cowered. I began to pull on some clothes. "Did you honestly think I wouldn't notice? Did you honestly think I wouldn't mind? I hate you!"

"Roberta, honey, please listen!"

"There is nothing you could say that could make this all right! There is nothing you could say that would make me forgive you! There is nothing you could say that would make me not hate you!" I finished dressing and slammed the door after me, vaguely aware that Brenda was weeping.

I roamed around campus for about an hour, seething. I wanted to scream, to holler, to rake my soft skin with a wire brush, anything to feel manly again. I plotted how I would return to being Robert. I'd have to drop out of school, of course, no long would I be Brenda's 'kept woman.' A few months off estrogen and I should look like a man again.

Eventually I got tired of tromping around in the cold December air and wandered over to Crystal's apartment. He wasn't home, so I slouched morosely around his door, wishing that I were a smoker so I could get some comfort from a cigarette.

Crystal eventually returned from class and immediately noticed something was wrong. "Hey, Roberta, what's up?"

"I'll tell you what's up!" I shouted, shoving Crystal into his apartment. "Brenda's been slipping me female hormones, that's what!"

Crystal looked surprised. "You didn't know?"

"No, she told me they were vitamins. Hey, wait a minute, you knew?"

"Well, Roberta, the changes have been fairly obvious. I didn't think you got that cute little butt of yours from exercising."

"Why the hell didn't you say something!"

"It never occurred to me you didn't know! I figured it was none of my business."

"Thanks for nothing. I'm the only eighteen year old guy I know who's growing tits."

"Now calm down," said Crystal, handing me a cup of tea. "Why did Brenda do this?"

"To humiliate me, I suppose."

"That's supposing a lot. She didn't strike me as the dominatrix type."

"Well, can you think of another reason? Jesus, I can't even get an erection. She's chemically castrated me!"

"That's a little harsh, nothing permanent has been done. She didn't give any sort of an explanation?"

"No, I didn't give her a chance."

"Maybe you should at least hear her out."

"Crystal, you make a great woman. There's nothing wrong with that. But I'm not like you, I don't enjoy this. Brenda's betrayed me in a way I can never forget."

"Just talk to her. If you're still mad at her afterwards, you can always move in with me. I'll help you get back to manhood."

"Thanks Crystal. I knew that you, unlike some others, were my real friend." I made my exit.

At the door to our dorm, I paused. What should I say? Tell her I was moving out, and I not to bother saying anything? Or should I try to be mature and allow her a few minutes to try and explain? I felt unreasonably nervous and it wasn't hard to figure out why. Brenda had such control over me I could never resist her. What if she convinced me to take her back?

Well, after what she had done, it wasn't likely. I barged into the room. At first I thought she was gone, the room was dark. Then I saw her. She was collapsed in a heap on the floor, wearing nothing but her jeans and her bra. Her hair was tangled and she was positioned in such a way that she seemed unconscious.

Instantly, my thoughts of revenge were replaced with my overriding concern for Brenda. I rushed to her side and turned her over on her back. I noticed a half-empty bottle of vodka on the floor next to her, the cause of this sorry state.

Brenda's eyes shot open at my touch. It was hard to describe the look in her eyes, it was a combination of despair and terror. She weakly grabbed my hand. "Roberta," she mumbled, "Roberta...please...please."

Knowing I could never leave her in this state, I helped her to the bed and removed her clothes. I dressed her in a nightgown and tucked her in. She barely stirred, I think she had passed out again. But when I turned out the lights, she spoke.

"Roberta, are you leaving me?"

"Yes, Brenda. I am." She answered with a pitiful groan.

"Please, Roberta! Don't leave me! Stay the night just the night," she started crying again. I pulled up a chair next to her bed and held her hand until she fell asleep.

The next morning I woke up Brenda with a gentle shake. "You stayed!" she said, rubbing her eyes.

"Not for long. That's why I woke you up, to tell you goodbye."

Brenda painfully sat up in bed. "Can't I explain?"

"I doubt it. But if you want to say something, you might as well."

Brenda stood up unsteadily and took a chair. I had never seen her like this. She no longer seemed like the woman who was running my life, but like a beaten stray dog, looking for a place to die. It was the first time I remembered seeing her unsure of herself.

"Roberta, I know what I did was unforgivable. But I don't want you to think I did this because I didn't respect you. I did this because I love you." I snorted.

"Roberta, when I was five I had this uncle. He used to baby sit for me a lot; you know how often my parents are gone. One day he came into my bedroom and well, you can guess.

"It went on for five years, Roberta. Five Goddamn years. He had me so convinced it was all my fault. I was nearly eleven before I told anyone." Despite my anger, I touched Brenda on the shoulder. I had clue she had had such a tragic childhood. I hated myself for not knowing, not doing anything to help her.

"I could never relate to men after that, not even my own father. I feared men. I hated them. But at the same time I could never forgive myself for what my uncle did. I knew it was stupid, but I felt like I deserved what happened. When I started dating, I'd latch on to the worst men I could find. Men who treated me badly, ignored me, made me feel as worthless as I felt. Andy, of course, fit the bill perfectly.

"One day, I decided that enough was enough. I had done nothing wrong, so why was I punishing myself. I told Andy to shove it. I decided I was through with men like him. I wanted someone decent, someone caring, someone who'd enjoy holding me as well as getting naked with me. Of course I thought of you.

"You were everything I wanted in a man, everything I deserved. That first time I saw you after all those years, I knew you were the one I was going to fall for. The first man in my life who ever treated me right.

"But honey, even that wasn't enough. You treated me like a queen, but every time you touched me, every time you'd hug me or kiss me on the cheek, I was revolted. Not because of you, but because of your gender. My experiences with men have made it impossible for me to ever physically love a man.

"I've been with a woman before, does that surprise you? It only lasted a few days, but I really enjoyed it. No bristly hair, no overpowering muscles, no whisker burn, just all soft and smooth and curvy. What I wanted was a woman to love me, but I already loved you.

"God, it was such an insane plan. I figured if I could put your brain into a woman's body, then I could make my best friend the girl of my dreams. What could be wrong with that? Every time I dressed you like a woman, I was hoping you'd tell me you loved it. Don't you think I could have had some friends watch out for you at prom? Don't you think I could have loaned you money to go to college? What I wanted was to feminize you in such a way that you'd never be a man again."

I touched Brenda's cheek with my varnished nails. "Brenda, I had no idea. I can't believe you did all this just to be with me! But facts are facts: I'm not a woman. I'll never be. But I can be the man of your dreams. I can help you get over your fear of men. Together we can be man and woman."

Brenda shook her head morosely. "No we can't. This isn't a phase with me. I'm attracted to women. I wish I could love you as a man, but I can't. The feel of Roberta's touch turns me on to no end. The feel of Robert's touch disgusted me."

I stood up. "Brenda. I love you. But what do you expect me to do? Have a sex change? Become your wife?"

Brenda stood up and faced me with her familiar vehemence. "That's not what I expect. But it's what I want. I want you to be my wife. I want you to be my woman. I want you to be Roberta forever. You're everything I want in a soul mate. If I'm not mistaken, I fill that roll for you."

"Brenda, I'd throw myself on a grenade to make you happy. But be a woman? That's insane! What would we tell our parents, for starters?"

"My parents already know how I am. They never stopped blaming themselves for what happened to me as a girl, and they're willing to let me do anything, so long as I am happy."

"And my mom?"

"I don't know. You could tell her you'd be happier as a woman, she'd be hard pressed to argue with your happiness."

"But I wouldn't be happier! I hate this life! I'm only doing this to be with you!"

Brenda put her hands on my shoulders. "There's no middle ground. I can't change how I think. You can be Robert, my best friend, or Roberta, my girlfriend. If you choose to go back to maleness, I'd not blame you in the least. And I'd pay for your college; I certainly owe you that much. But if you become Robert, you wouldn't be able to so much as kiss me. Ever. Eventually I'd find a woman to fill your shoes, but she wouldn't be able to compare with you."

"Brenda, stop talking like that!"

"It's true. I'm in love with Roberta, not Robert. I know how cruel that sounds, but I can't change who I love."

"Could I have some time to think about this?"

"Of course! Listen, why don't I leave town for the weekend. You stay here and do some soul searching. I'll be back Sunday night. If you meet me at the door in a dress, then I'll spend the rest of my life making you the happiest girl on earth. If not, I meant what I said about being friends. Nothing could ever take that away from us." With that, she threw some outfits in a suitcase and left, stopping only to kiss me goodbye.

I lay on my bed and thought for hours. This was insane! Logically, I should tell Brenda that enough was enough, and we weren't destined to be lovers. It would hurt, but it had to be done. She'd meet someone, I'd meet someone no, becoming a woman simply was in the cards for me.

But I couldn't bring myself to make the resolution. No matter how much I hated living as Roberta, I knew I'd hate living without Brenda even more. I was stuck. Give up Brenda, or give up my manhood. It all came down to that.

I needed some advice, someone who could look at things without being blinded by my love for Brenda. Since the only one who knew my secret was Crystal, I decided to give him a ring.

Feeling guilty for harassing him yet again that day, I dialed his apartment. No answer. Perhaps he was at his boyfriend's. I called Chett's number. "Hi, this is Chett," said his machine. "I'm not in right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you. And if this is Dr. Richard Kimball, I told you I didn't kill your wife!" Damn, not there either. I decided to leave a message.

"Hey Chett, this is Roberta. If you see Crystal, tell her I really need to BEEP!" The recording cut off at someone picked up the phone. "Hey Roberta," said Crystal.

"Crystal, I'm glad I found you. Listen "

"Chett, knock it off!" giggled Crystal.

"Um, Crystal, I was talking to Brenda today " Crystal laughed again into the receiver. "Sorry, Roberta, Chett's just being a big silly. What were you saying?"

"I was never mind. Can I get together with you tomorrow?"

"Sure. Eek! Chett! You put me down this instant!" The phone clicked off.

The next day I joined Crystal at his apartment. "Sorry I couldn't talk last night," blushed Crystal. "Chett was over and, well, you know."

I smiled, understandingly. "I'm glad to see you two are getting on so well. Listen, I'm having a bit of a relationship problem. It's Brenda."

"Oh yeah, the hormones! What did she say?"

"That she likes women. That the only way she'd stay with me is if I become one."

"That's a lot to ask. So are you breaking it off?"

"Not exactly. She's giving me the weekend to think about it."

"So you're considering it?"

"I know it's nuts, but I can't stand the thought of losing her. She's the only person, besides my mom, who's ever really cared about me. I feel like nothing is worth losing her for."

"Even your manhood?"

"I don't know. These past few months have been crazy, but they haven't been all that bad. I'd never been popular as Robert, now all of a sudden I'm dating a great woman and have all kinds of friends. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't having more fun than I'd ever had."

"Well, the lifestyle grows on you. Take me, for example."

"Crystal, you've always liked being a woman, haven't you?"

"Not at first. But I guess I never would have agreed to become Crystal had I not been a little curious. It wasn't as bad as I had expected, and the longer I acted like a woman, the more natural it became. I guess when Mom first asked me, I was having the typical teenage identity crisis. Being feminized helped me come out of my shell."

"And now you enjoy it?"

"Roberta, I love it! You couldn't pay me to become a man again."

"I'm happy for you. Unfortunately, I'd become a man again in a second, if I knew Brenda wouldn't leave me."

"Then I guess you have a decision to make. Who do you love more, Brenda or Robert?"

"Brenda." I was shocked at how confidently I said it.

"There you have it! In the long run, you'll still be the same person deep down."

"What will everyone say?"

"Who is everyone?"

"My..." I started to say 'my friends,' but realized my only true friends were the ones I had made as Roberta. "My mother. What will she say?"

"That's going to be hard. My Mom was sure shocked when she realized I'd never be Christopher again, but she knew I was happier this way. I never really had to explain anything to her. You, on the other hand, have quite a problem on your hands."

"Well, maybe I should just tell Brenda I'll only do this until the end of college. That way I can see if I can handle it."

"Do whatever you think is right. Just remember, every day you live as Roberta, it becomes that much harder to go back."

"Well, it'll give me time to get my head together. I can't really see myself jumping into a male life again at the moment. I'd have to drop out of school, wait until the hormones wore off, enroll somewhere else, there'd be no end to the problems."

"You mean, you don't want to lose Brenda."

"In a nutshell, yeah. Crystal, I'm so glad I have you to talk to. Believe me, I'm going to need your help in the months to come!" Crystal looked guilty and turned away.

"What? What's wrong?"

"Roberta, I'm not going to be here after Christmas."

"Why not!" I was terrified! Crystal was my one confidant in gender matters.

"Chett and I we're participating in an exchange. There's a language school in Denmark. We're going to finish our degrees there."

"But why? I know it'd be fun to spend a semester abroad, but you're talking like three years!"

"Roberta, I'm not going to Denmark just to study."

"Then why...oh!"

Crystal looked at me sadly. "Chett loves me. But he's a heterosexual. I hate the fact that every time I'm with him I think 'He's accepting me. He tolerates how I am. He's dealing with my condition.' I can't stand to be half a woman in his eyes. I inherited some money from my grandfather, I'm going to arrange the surgery for next summer."

"Oh Crystal. You'll make a lovely woman. But I'm going to miss you like hell."

"Me too. Roberta, I'm erasing my old life. I'm cutting all ties with my male existence. I want to marry Chett, and then forget that I wasn't born a woman. I'm severing all connections with my old life, except with my Mom."

"Does that mean me as well?"

"Roberta, of course not. You and Brenda are my friends, and nothing can change that. But do me a favor? From now on, treat me like a woman. Don't mention the past. I'm living for the future now. I want us to always be friends. Just girlfriends."

"Crystal, it takes a mental effort for me to think of you as a guy. Trust me, you were always a woman in my eyes."

"Thanks. One more thing."

"Yes?"

"Before I give up being a man, there's something I've always wanted to do."

"What's that?"

"Kiss a girl. I've never kissed a girl before, I want to try it once, just to see what it's like." Crystal placed his arm on my shoulder.

"You mean ?"

"Please? I won't tell Brenda."

"O...O.K."

Crystal put his arms around my neck and kissed me for a long, long time. I didn't stop to think he wasn't quite a woman, he didn't stop to think the same about me. Finally, we disengaged.

"Wow!" he said. "Brenda's a lucky girl!"

"What was it like?" I asked.

"It was soft. And warm. Maybe if I had done that years ago, my life would have turned out differently. Oh well, c'est la vie." Crystal escorted me back to my dorm.

Sunday night I sat on my bed wondering if I was doing the right thing. My makeup was flawless (though perhaps a little over done). I was wearing my heels, and earrings. I had spent hours making my hair perfect. As for clothes, I was wearing nothing but one of Brenda's robes.

I heard Brenda's key in the lock. She hesitated, then opened the door.

"Roberta!" she screamed when she saw how I was dressed. Her face lit up like the mid-August sun. She rushed towards me.

"Does this mean...?" she asked, hopefully.

"Sit down," I directed. "We need to talk." She joined me on the bed, trying hard to keep the anticipation out of her expression.

"Brenda, after a weekend of thinking, I've come to one conclusion. I love you. There's no getting around that. I'd do anything to keep you." I had to restrain Brenda from jumping into my arms. "But at the same time, asking a man to give up what makes him a man is a lot to ask. And I'm not sure if I'm willing to go that far." Brenda's eyes began to moisten.

"So I'll agree to this," I continued, "but only on a few conditions. For starters, I'm not saying I'll do anything permanent. Until we graduate, that's all. Don't try to force me to a commitment before then." Brenda nodded eagerly.

"Second, I'm not having a sex change operation," Brenda tried to interrupt, but I beat her to the punch. "That's non-negotiable. I may be willing to give up my manhood, alienate my family, and even alter my body, but I'm not going to have the surgery. I'm the one make all the sacrifices here, so you can take it or leave it."

Brenda wavered. "Maybe after you've been Roberta for a while..."

"Nope. I don't want you delude yourself into think I'll change my mind. No operation. Ever. Agree, or this conversation is over."

Brenda took a deep breath. "OK. No operation. You're woman enough for me now, as it is."

"Good. Third: This is going to kill my mother. She's the only person who's ever loved me, and I'm going to ruin her life because of this. You're going to have to help me break the news to her, and you're going to have to be there for me when she breaks down. Telling her will be the hardest think I've ever have to do, and I'm going to need every ounce of support you can give. Do you agree?" She nodded.

"Lastly, you're my partner, not my master. No more hidden agendas. No more doing things behind my back. No more half-truths. You have to be open and honest with me. Always."

"I swear, Roberta, I won't pull anything over on you. I'm sorry I came across as so domineering. I guess after years of abuse, I wanted more control in my life. Anything else?"

"Just this." I stood up and removed my robe. I was wearing some skimpy panties (covering the rubber penis-hiding ones), a pair of garters, and a bra. The bra was new; it actually fit my small but real breasts. It didn't take long for Brenda to join me in a similar state of undress.

Later that week, Brenda took me to an endocrinologist who prescribed me female hormones under my own name. These were more powerful, the doctor told me they'd begin to make me look like a woman in earnest.

"So what are the expected side effects?" I asked.

"They'll be similar to what you are experiencing now. Softer skin, feminine curves, loss of the male sex drive. As long as you're taking them you'll never grow a beard, and you won't bulk up. You'll also probably end up with a nice set of breasts."

That night Brenda asked me how it felt to change into a woman.

"It's odd. I mean, I never expected to have breasts! I always thought of myself as unattractive, and now I'm pretty! I feel really out of sorts."

"I worry that I'm making you unhappy."

"Don't worry in that respect. Everything I'm doing, I'm doing of my own free will."

That night, we made love. While I no longer could function like a man, Brenda taught me new ways of giving her pleasure, with my mouth, with my fingers, with my new breasts. It was a weird feeling, Brenda's large boobs rubbing against my smaller (but still budding) ones. It was an enjoyable experience, to say the least.

That night I lay next to my slumbering girlfriend, and compared our naked bodies. My legs seemed as long and smooth as hers. My belly, almost as flat. My hips, almost as wide. My freckled skin seemed as soft and inviting as her tanned and muscular complexion. My breasts, while about two cup sizes smaller, looked just as real. My nipples were almost as big and erect as hers.

(continued)