The Hottie!

By Czolgolz 2004

[email protected]

Like what you see? Look closer! All of these Swans are just Average Joes! From the creators of such shows as Is That Thing Loaded? and Turn Your Head and Cough, comes the next generation of reality TV. Sexier than Who Wants to Marry a Refrigerator?, crazier than Queer Eye for the Blind Guy, more shocking than Amish Boot Camp...this fall, get ready for The Hottie!

How far would a man go to make his dreams come true? Would he give up what makes him a man? To win the girl of his dreams would a man become the girl of his dreams?

"The problem with reality shows is that there is really nothing at stake," said producer Juan Venada, the mind behind such hits as My Big, Fat, Obnoxious Rabbi, and Bowling for Orphans. "After the show is over, the participants can just walk away. With The Hottie, the contestants know that even if they don't win, they won't be using the men's room for a year or so...if ever!

The premise is simple. Eight contestants spend a year living full time as women. Drag queens will not be tolerated: any man who judges feel has not achieved his potential as a woman gets the high heel boot. If any man is 'read' during proceedings (if an outsider realizes he is not really a woman), then he'll be put on the next bus home.

"These 'ladies' can drop out any time they like...no one's stopping them," says director G. Gordon Greyson (While You Were Out: Home Burglary Edition and Pimp My Wheelchair). Of course the entire country will have seen them chuck their Brut for Obsession and their Fruit of the Looms for Victoria's Secret! After we're done with them they may find they prefer being just one of the girls!"

The contestants were picked from a pool of thousands of men, aged 18 to 25. These men thought they were auditioning for the new American Eyesore, and were rather shocked to realize that, if accepted, they'd be shaving their legs for the next twelve months! One hundred men met the challenge to let the woman inside come out. After two months of intense training, only eight men remained.

The contestants will be divided into two teams, who will each live in a 'Sorority House.' No leaving the toilet seat up, men! They'll be expected to be in fem form twenty four/seven. House mothers Suzanne Danforth and Lupe Rodriguez will see to that.

"When they told me about The Hottie, I just had to get on board," says Suzanne Danforth, 40, a former actress, and professional makeup artist and stylist. "When I get through with those boys, their own sisters won't recognize them...or at least they'll think they're looking in a mirror!"

Lupe Rodriguez, 25, couldn't agree more. In addition to being a former Miss Chile, this South American model has appeared on several American reality shows, including Dirty Slobs and Nanny 555-1212.

The House Mothers will not be the only eyes on our hims turned fems. Each contestant will have a sponsor from home, a woman who can help them learn what it really means to be a female.

In addition to daily makeup, hair, fashion, and comportment lessons, each of our teams will have to pass the weekly Estrogen Challenge (televised each week, though may have actually occured months apart). As for the losers...one of the girls will be given a ticket home, back to a pile of unpaid bills and clothes that no longer fit. Which man is macho enough to become a woman?

At the end of the year, any remaining TV TV stars will complete a final challenge. The girl left standing will forever be known as THE HOTTIE! (In addition, the winner will receive $1 million, tax free).

***

MEET THE LADIES

Chris:
Age: 20
Job: Personal trainer
Hometown: Chicago
Hobbies: Baseball, guitar, basketball
Favorite football team: The Bears
"I know this is a crazy thing to do, but I tore my hamstring last season and lost my athletic scholarship. I figure with all expenses paid I can spend a year healing up and get back on the team in the fall. And if I win, I wouldn't even need the scholarship! Go Sox!
Chris is sponsored by his friend Jenna, 19.
Chris is a hell of a guy, but I don't think he takes female athletes too seriously. After a year in skirts I think he'll feel different.

***

Brian (Brianna):
Age: 21
Job: Student/researcher
Hometown: St. Louis
Hobbies: Reading, gaming, classical music
Favorite football team: The Rams
What can I say? I was never much of a macho man. I'd always rather read than play sports. I'm going to graduate next year, and I cannot afford to stay in school full time. If I win this contest I can go on and get my doctorate in psychology.
Brian is sponsored by his mother, Leah, 44.
Brian has never dated much, I think he's still a little nervous around girls. I bet if he were to spend a few months applying makeup, he'd be more confident.

***

Carl (Carla):
Age: 20
Job: Driver
Hometown: San Francisco
Hobbies: Backpacking, canoeing, hiking
Favorite football team: The Giants
I knew I'd never finish college, and I can't see myself working a nine to five job, either. I entered the contest in hopes that I could earn enough money to take a few years off and travel. I think that would be worth spending a few months shaving my legs. Peace.
Carl is sponsored by his sister, Amy, 15.
Carl's been a great older brother, but I always wished I had a sister. Now, for a year, that wish will come true!

***

David (Deena):
Age: 23
Job: Waiter/actor
Hometown: Los Angeles
Hobbies: Theater, music
Favorite football team: The Raiders
I've been trying to make it in Hollywood for almost five years. I figure with this show to my credit, I can at least get some auditions. Hey, acting is acting, right?
David is sponsored by his wife, Rebecca, 25.
David is going to have a star on the Walk of Fame one day. If he has to be my sister for a year to achieve that, then it's worth it.

***

Nick (Nikki):
Age: 22
Job: Bartender
Hometown: Miami
Hobbies: Partying!
Favorite football team: The Dolphins
I ran up a lot of credit card debt in the past few years. Five million big ones would pay that off! And a lot of brewskies! Woo!
Nick is sponsored by his girlfriend, Kiah, 20.
Nick is a fun guy, but sometimes I wonder where he's going in life. I think the discipline on this show will be good for him. Don't tell him I said this.

***

Timmy (Tammi):
Age: 18
Job: None (recent high school graduate)
Hometown: Two Rivers, Nebraska
Hobbies: Basketball, hunting
Favorite football team: The Corkhuskers
In all my life I've never left Nebraska. There's got to be more to the world than this. I don't want to join the army, but if I don't leave Two Rivers now, I never will. This is my only chance.
Timmy is sponsored by his friend, Sarah, 18
Timmy has big dreams, but I don't think he's doing the right thing. Once this show airs, he won't be welcome back here. I pray that he wins.

***

Rodrigo (Ramona):
Age: 20
Job: Migrant worker
Hometown: Ciudad Juarez, Mexico
Hobbies: Soccer, home repairs
Favorite football team: I'm Mexican, remember?
I make ten dollars a day working the farms in California. I get deported when the growing season ends. The US won't accept me because I'm too poor. If I had that money I could build a better life for myself and my soon to be wife.
Rodrigo is sponsored by his fiancée, Pilar.
Rodrigo is a good man, and we want to build a life together. I regret that he has to be on that silly American show to achieve this, but when it is over, we can get married and buy a house.

***

Tyler
Age: 19
Job: Cook/musician (bass)
Hometown: Boston
Hobbies: Music, travel
Favorite football team: The Patriots
What can I say? I've been with three bands in two years and nothing ever happened. This gig might get me some recognition, or a least the money to buy some decent equipment.
Tyler is sponsored by his friend and bandmate, Jeff, 20. (Producer's note: Tyler was originally supposed to be sponsored by his sister, Tanya, but her job was relocated at the last minute).
Hey, this is crazy, but what the hell. I don't know that I can tell Tyler much about makeup or clothes, but maybe I can help look out for him.

***

Episode One

This week's episode started with our eight girls revealing the results of six months of intense training. Our audience, who had been informed that they were about to meet eight male contestants, were both delighted and confused when eight lovely young women paraded across the stage in evening gowns. The audience members were even more shocked when they realized that the beauties were actually men.

"The whole point of this show is we are not doing low comedy," says producer Juan Venada.

"We didn't put the men through rigorous girl training just to laugh at them. We want our audience, as well as the rest of America, to realize that these boys have tried their hardest to become the girl next door."

The contestants certainly have changed during the six months since their audition. As each hopeful paraded down the runway in heels and slinky dress, his interview photo was projected on the screen behind him. Where once stood a stubble-chinned, scraggly haired slob, now stands a princess. You'd think only a real woman could achieve such long legs, such supple arms, such sooth skin. What's the secret?

"Well, I wish I could take all the credit," says Suzanne, one of our house mothers. "We certainly worked hard breaking the male mold. And to their credit, each of our contestants rose to the occasion. Almost none of them complain about shaving their legs or wearing their bras. Of course, the daily dose of estrogen certainly helped soften them up."

"Estrogen therapy is certainly a big step," says Lupe, the other house mother. "That's probably why there we only ended up with eight girls. But we made it clear: only those who were willing to do anything to become a woman would be eligible for the grand prize."

Each of our faux females took to femininity in a different manner. From the time they moved into their sorority house, no male behavior was to be tolerated. Team Vixen was made up of Chris, Brianna, Carla, and Deena, under the supervision of Suzanne. During the show we were treated to in-depth interviews with the ladies and how they adapted to their change in gender.

Chris, who in her former life was a college baseball star, was upset at the implications for her sports career.

"I've never taken any steroids for fear of the side effects. But thanks to those hormones, it's happening anyway: I'm growing boobs, my penis is shrinking, and my muscles are going away. I can quit this show any time I like, and they swear none of the changes are permanent, but I worry that next spring training I'm not exactly going to fit in in the locker room.

"On the other hand, as long as I'm stuck on the DL, I might as well be doing something. Suzanne has been real good about letting me exercise, provided I don't lift weights. Every morning I do the treadmill, run an aerobics tape, or do yoga. Obviously not what I'm used to, but it does keep me thin. I'm allowed to go running, but Suzanne makes me do it wearing an athletic bra. The most embarrassing thing is, I don't think anyone suspects I'm a man, at least not when I'm going by so fast. Some guys even whistled at me the other day!"

Brianna, our resident bookworm, took a more philosophical outlook to his blooming womanhood. "Gender is nothing but a societal construct. I know I'm really a man, and will be, no matter how feminine I look. On the other hand, these heels are killing me. And being the shortest one here, I also feel the least manly. Maybe that will give me an advantage.

"Since I didn't have any really male hobbies to begin with, I'm not giving up a lot. Suzanne allowed me to get on the internet, provided I only did so in female persona. I usually was online for two or three hours a night, chatting and playing games. Now I'm on for maybe an hour a week. I can't stand all the guys who want to hit on me in cyberspace! Remember that, next time you try online flirting!"

Carla, our outdoorswoman, took issue with the skirts and heels she was required to wear.
"Suzanne insists that we dress like we're going to the prom, even when we're just going for a walk. She refused to allow me to go rock climbing at the gym or go for my weekly five-mile hike at the state park. I finally had to show her all the pictures of my women friends who can canoe, backpack, and mountain climb with any guy. Suzanne says she'll think about allowing me to do some of those things, but I'll have to be extra careful not to give myself away."

Perhaps Deena, our young starlet, took to femininity better than anyone in her house. "As an actor--sorry, an actress--I have to learn how to stay in character constantly. So long as I look at this as a role, then I'm comfortable. In the morning I make a game of seeing how long I can think of myself as Deena. It's not hard. I just worry about how I'm going to get male roles when all this is over."

Over at the other sorority house, team Kitten was also learning how to deal with the changes in their lives.

"I've obviously never done anything like this," says Tammi, our country girl. "Where I come from, anyone who's not 100% male is considered a fag. I always hated that. I just hope the people at home understand what I've done. I'm already an A cup, and if I lose, I don't know if it will be safe for me to move back home."

Tammi has become good friend with Ramona, our Mexican senorita. "I'm happy to have met Tammi. Like her, I come from a place where-come se dice?-cross dressing is not accepted. I only do this so I may build a better life for myself and my future wife. This is the first time in years I have many new clothes. They are dresses, but sometimes it is comfortable to wear something nice."

Tyler, our rock chick, tries to look for career advantages. "In the world of music, nothing is strange. I don't exactly like being the new Boy George, but, except for maybe that actress girl in the other house, I have the least to lose. It's not like anyone ever failed as a rock musician because they were too weird!"

Alas, Nikki, the house's party animal, was having a hard to adjusting. "Look at this shit! I've got tits! I used to be the biggest badass in the Kappa Delta house, now I have to dress in halter tops and do my hair! I hate this! If I didn't owe so much money I'd quit."

After six months of hormones, makeup, and intense training, we felt that these girls were ready to show themselves to the world. But before we put them in the spotlight, we decided they deserved to see a friendly face. We allowed each of our Janes to meet with their sponsor for a relaxing dinner. Here's how they reacted.

Chris' friend Jenna: To tell you the truth, I was all prepared to make fun of him. He's been teasing me for years about lesbian golfers and how bad female basketball stars are. But I couldn't do it. He'd obviously been through a lot and I could tell he was really trying to win. He looked so good. Less muscular, more curvy. And we wore that dress well. It wasn't awkward at all. It would be too much to say we were chatting like girlfriends, but I think this experience will help Chris be a better man.

Brianna's mother, Leah: Brian...Brianna has always been socially awkward. He'd only ever wear shorts and a t-shirt, he never asked girls out, and would spend his evening on the computer. I was a little taken aback when I saw what a graceful lady he'd become! His dress, his hair, his makeup...my child had never looked so good! Of course, this is only temporary, but I hope he'll remember how nice it feels to take care of your looks.

Carla's sister, Amy: Oh my God, he looked so cute! I can't believe my big brother's turning into a girl! I hope he wins, then maybe I can convince him to be my sister! I know it won't happen, but still. Next year I'll go to junior homecoming. It would be nice if Carla could help me get ready.

Deena's wife, Rebecca: My husband has breasts! I had no idea things were going to get that serious! I mean, I know things will go back to normal, but still! Wow! The craziest thing is, we're almost the same size! Maybe he'll let me have his new clothes afterwards.

It's funny, really. This isn't as upsetting to me as I expected. David's my best friend, and I guess that's even more important to me than a lover.

Nikki's girlfriend, Kiah: You know, I'd hoped this experience would make Nick grow up, but it hasn't. All he did was complain about the clothes, his so-called bitch house mother, and the 'fags' he has to live with. He's going to get himself kicked out and expect me to support him again.

Tammi's friend Sarah: I tried to keep a happy face. I mean, my God, Tim looked great. But I knew something I had to keep to myself. They found out what Tim's doing back at home. He's not popular. Even his father is calling him a queer. I hope to God he wins this, it's going to kill him if he comes back home as Tammi, and I'm not sure I mean that figuratively.

Ramona's fiancé, Pilar: (Pilar does not speak English. Her responses were translated). My fiancé is now my fiancée! He's gone from handsome to pretty! (translator's note: that sounded better in Spanish, but doesn't directly translate). It's strange, but I almost was embarrassed to eat with him. Not because of the way he was dressed, but the way I was. My clothes were so shabby compared to his.

Tyler's friend Jeff: He looked fine. I said he looked fine, okay! What do you want me to say? I'm sorry. It's just a bit weird. Yeah, he looks good. Really good.

So what's up for our contestants next week? Here's the estrogen challenge:

Accompanied by your sponsor, you must go a local beauty salon and get a makeover. You must talk intelligently about what you want, and stay en fem at all times. If anyone suspects that you are a man, then you will be dismissed from the show.

***

Episode Two

Our eight young ladies were nervous when they entered the beauty salon, to put it mildly. While our Team Hottie stylists had been warned ahead of time, none of the other patrons knew what secret our eight babes were hiding. And no red-blooded girl would cringe at the sight of a curling iron! What's more, our candidates found they would not only be getting makeup, but a full fashion makeover!

"You may think this is a challenge for me, but it's not," says Hottie fashion consultant Lori Perry. "Give me three hours and I can get your husband ready for bikini season. I turned Johnny Knoxville into Jessica Simpson, and I was more than ready to do the same for these guys."

Chris was our first candidate, along with his friend Jenna.

"Chris' problem is that her years of working out have left her with broad shoulders. As the tallest of our contestants, we needed to minimize her size. After much work, Jenna and I decided Chris would look darling in a cashmere sweater and matching skirt. It wasn't easy, convincing her to turn in her cleats for high heels, but after some practice, she got the hang of it.

"Chris has been letting her hair grow for six months now, and with a little treatment, it's as long and as smooth as Tyra Banks's. Chris was very reluctant when we gave her her first electrolysis treatment, but seemed to recover when Jenna told her that lots of women like a smooth-faced lover."

Our second candidate was Brianna, accompanied by her mother, Leah. As Chris waited for her nails to dry, she was able to watch Brianna's transformation.

"Brianna's always been the quiet one in the house. It didn't surprise me when she really didn't say anything about her makeover. Her mother and Lori made all the decisions. Quite frankly, I was a little surprised that they chose such a racy outfit. The off-the-shoulder sweater, the sassy pony tail, the dangly earrings-yes, we've all had our ears pierced-Brianna looks likes she's straight out of an 80's music video. But for some reason, it works for her. I dunno, Brianna's probably been so used to being the brain, she might find it nice to be a ditzy valley girl for once."

As Brianna's mother arranged for her daughter's bikini wax, Carla arrived for her turn.
"Carla is the most slender of our girls," says Lori. "I just had to show off that flat stomach. And since she's such an outdoorswoman, I couldn't resist putting her in some Daisy Duke cut-offs and sandals. Those tan legs are to die for!"

Carla's little sister Amy couldn't agree more. "My brother-sorry, my sister-sure turned out cute! They even got him to get a belly button ring! Now maybe Mom will let me get one!"

While Amy chatted with the three older ladies, Deena, our rising starlet, put herself at Lori's mercy.

"Deena was the easiest to handle," says Lori. "As an aspiring actress, she's used to long sessions being made over. With that attitude, it wouldn't surprise me if she walked away with first prize. I chose a sleeveless black dress for her, just the thing for those fancy Hollywood cocktail parties she'll be attending. As we finished early, I also made over her wife Rebeca, for free. They could almost pass for twins now."

Housemother Suzanne soon arrived to take Team Vixen out for a champagne brunch while team Kitten was ready to release the women within.

Nikki was the first undergo Venus therapy, and she did not like it one bit.

"Nikki whined so much I was sure some of my other customers would be suspicious," says Lori. "I was almost ready to kick her out, when her girlfriend Kiah reminded her of her massive debts and how this was the only solution. Nikki pouted the whole time. I'm afraid that tiny halter top and cherry red lip gloss wasn't totally necessary, but that's what you get for having a tantrum."

Tammi, our youngest contestant, had a much more open mind. "While I could tell she wasn't really enjoying herself, she was a good sport about it," says her friend Sarah. "She rather liked the gingham dress they picked out for her, as well as the braided pigtails she settled on. Me, I would never dress like that, and I'm from Nebraska! Still, Tammi looked cute. I just wish the people back home--it's not important."

Ramona accepted her fate without complaint. "I didn't care for all the waxing, and, the, what do you call it, electrolysis, but being Hispanic I have more hair than most. This flashy red dress-I wish I could buy something like this for my fiancée. She didn't seem to mind. She giggled the whole time."

Tyler, our punk-rock chick, was the last to visit the salon.

"I have to say I had the most fun with Tyler," says Lori. "Due to her wild lifestyle, she was willing to try things her companions would never dream of. Fishnet stockings, leather mini, grungy T-shirt, denim jacket-I never thought I'd send one of my customers home that way! She did look great, though. I had to draw the line at the mohawk, but the pink hair is kind of cute.

"Of course her friend Jeff was next to useless. I didn't expect him to have any fashion advice, but I thought the boy's head was going to explode. We finally had to send him off to the hardware store next door. I wonder what was upsetting him?"

After bidding a sad farewell to their sponsors, the ladies set out for a day on the town.

"Those poor girls have been cooped up the sorority houses for months now, with only supervised trips outside," says Lupe. "It was time they had a day to themselves."

Carla and Chris decided to spend an afternoon at the gym, playing basketball and getting back into training.

"We played a little one on one," says Carla. "It was fun, but kind of distracting to play with an athletic bra. In fact, we didn't bother with tops. By the time we were finished, there were like twenty guys watching us! They acted like they were watching the game, but lord!"

Carla agrees. "Afterwards, we enjoyed a leisurely session in the sauna. We wore towels, of course, but not all the ladies there did! The only tricky part was using the showers without being noticed."

Brianna spent the day at a local coffee shop, catching up on her reading.

"I had fun, but every guy thinks that if a girl is there by herself, she wants to be hit on. Of course, I never had to pay for my own coffee."

Deena decided to work on her California tan at a local salon.

"I should have left my bra off, but my nipples are still sensitive. I guess I have a bikini tan now!"

Tyler treated Tammi and Ramona to drinks and a show at a local club. Both Tammi and Ramona enjoyed a chance to experience a side of life not available in their hometowns.

"Both those girls were really tossing back the drinks," grins Tyler. "It's a good thing I was watching their backs, a lot of guys were giving them the eye."

Out of all the girls, Nikki was the only one who did not enjoy her day of freedom. "This f***ing sucks! All I wanted to do is go have a beer, and some guy comes on to me. I ain't no fag! F***!"

That evening, worn out from their day in the city, our eight ladies returned to their homes. They were in for a surprise.

Meeting in the common room of the Kitten house, our half-dozen cuties were introduced to Dr. Walter Freeman, and informed of what the next estrogen challenge will be.

"Ladies, thanks to estrogen, all of you have rounded out nicely. Unfortunately, none of you have progressed past an A cup. Therefore, you all have appointments at my office two days from now. I have a large selection of implants for you to chose from, though nothing below a C cup. Any of you ladies who do not want to participate may leave now."