New Zealand Magician Performs ‘Double-Sawing’ Illusion on Entire Town
By [email protected] (2001)
ST. ANDERSONVILLE, NEW ZEALAND—In what is being hailed as one of the most remarkable paranormal events of the past century, New Zealand Magician Brad Colombo sawed thirty-seven female audience members in half and then restored them using each other’s lower halves.
“When the magician asked for all the women in the audience to come up on stage, I thought it would be fun,” says secretary Margo Henner, 23. “He said he wanted to get into the book of records as having sawn the most ladies in half at once. It was kind of freaky when we all got into boxes and he split us up with that chainsaw. I thought it was all a trick, until he put me back together, and I realized my legs weren’t the ones I walked in on!”
Viewed from the waist up, Margo is a normal looking young woman: slim figure, long brown hair, freckled face. But when you see her in her entirety, you realize there’s something very out of place with her plump black legs. From the navel down, she is now teacher Ginger Farlin, 29.
“I can’t believe this has happened,” moans Ginger, who is black from the waist up, and white below the belt. “We were all wandering around the stage, looking at our new bodies, trying to track down our old lower halves. And what does that stupid magician do? Just laughs like he’s done something funny, and disappears in a puff of smoke!”
Magician Brad Colombo had performed last Friday and Saturday, at the town auditorium, in this town of 400. His performances were so well received that nearly the entire population turned out for the Sunday afternoon matinee. According to witnesses, every female resident of the town, between the ages of 16 and 40, ended up becoming half of someone else.
Reactions have been mixed. Accountant Cindy Brenner, 40, has expressed satisfaction with the lower half of Lacey Danner, 17. Salesclerk Brenda McMullen, 25, was less than satisfied with the change in her body.
“That idiot put my lower half on backwards,” screams the young blonde. “My feet point to my back, and my bum’s in front! And it’s not even my bum! Do you realize how hard it is to walk like this?”
Others echo Brenda’s distress. “One of those so called women in the audience was actually a man dressed like a woman!” weeps an anonymous audience member. “Thanks to that jerk, now I am! I can’t keep telling my husband that it’s my time of the month. And I’m starting to like football. Help!”
Though most of the audience members were sawn below the belly button, height discrepancy caused a few women to be sawn lower or higher than the rest. Consequentially, several ladies ended up with no navel, or with two. Most dramatically are twin basketball players Amy and Amber Kingery.
“That dope couldn’t even cut us the same at the other girls,” wails Amber. “Amy has almost my whole body. She’s now almost eight feet tall, with two sets of boobs and two stomachs! The WNBA won’t stop calling her. But look at me!” While her sister ended up with most of both torsos, Amber’s shoulders attach directly to her hips. “At least I’ll save money on blouses and bras,” she pouts.
Brad Colombo has not been seen since his disappearance Sunday afternoon. While many residents would like to see him arrested, so reward has been posted for his return.
The only one who truly seems happy with the turn of events is Eve Florence, 33, owner of the local clothing store. “Every woman in town has had to buy a new wardrobe,” she laughs, “or at least half of one! It hasn’t been easy for any of us, but people should do like I do, and look on the bright side. I rather fancy my new legs. Maybe we could get Colombo to do some boob swaps too!”