Magic Help-Line
by Czolgolz
[email protected]
Copyright 2000


Hello!  My name is Josephine, and I work for Magic Co., the world's largest supplier of stage magic tricks and novelties.  Most of our tricks are purchased by professional magicians who never have any trouble with our products.  Sometimes, however, an amateur will get a hold of one of our items, or something unforeseen with happen.  This almost always results in a rather uncomfortable situation for the assistant.  Luckily, all of Magic Co's. products come with lifetime guaranties.  Not only that, we provide a 24 hour 800 number, where myself or one of our other operators can talk you through common problems.  Join me as I walk you through a typical night of phone calls...

Customer complaint/help dept.,
phone transcript, 4/03/03
12:00-00:00

12:59
Josephine:  Hello, you have reached Magic Co.'s customer helpline.  How may I help you?
Man:  Er, hi.  Listen, I'm having a problem with your 1995 model 'Sawing in Half Illusion.'
J:  What sort of a problem?
Man:  Well, I sawed my assistant in half during a rehearsal in my basement.  No trouble, we've done it a hundred times.  She comes apart easily.
J:  Go on.
Man:  Well, I was turning her around, you know, like I was giving the audience a 360 view of her lower half.  I guess I got carried away, because I ran the lower box into the wall.
J:  I see.
Man:  Anyway, I bent the hell out of the latch that connects the two halves.  I can't connect them now.
J:  Hmmmm.  That is a problem.  How's your assistant?
Man:  Surprisingly good.  A little annoyed, I guess, but not bad.
J:  Well, you're not going to be able to fix this yourself.  We'll have to send someone out to repair it.
Man:  When can you get someone over here?
J:  Are you busy Sunday?
Man:  That's two days away!  Is she just supposed to stay in a box all weekend?
J:  I'm sorry, but that's the best we can do.  She doesn't have to stay in the box, you can remove her if you like.  Though I wouldn't leave the house if I were you.
Man:  Jesus, she's going to kill me!
J:  Does she have any family who will notice her missing for a few days?
Man:  Well, actually....she's my wife.
J:  Then I wouldn't worry.  Trust me, it's not as bad as it seems.  Just be extra nice to her for a while.
Man:  But it's our anniversary tomorrow.  I promised her a romantic weekend!  
J:  Just use your head.  I'm sure you two can come up with something romantic to do...or at least original.
Man:  Hmmm....Okay, thanks.
(hangs up)
NOTE:  I hope this guy's wife is understanding.  He never gave me his address.
--J


13:33
Josephine:  Hello, you have reached Magic...
Woman:  (interrupting, nervously)  Hi, listen, this is Georgina, from the George and Georgina Show.
J:  Oh, I saw your act in Atlanta last month.  Excellent showmanship.
Georgina:  Oh, uh, thank you.
J:  So how may I help you?
G:  Well, it's about our guillotine illusion.
J:  Go on.
G:  Well, George is out of town and I was practicing on my own.
J:  You really shouldn't do that, guillotine is a two-person illusion.
G:  Yeah, tell me about it.  Listen, the first part went OK, but now I can't get blade to raise up again.
J:  Well, what you need to...
(crashing sound from customer's end)
G:  (muffled cursing, pause)  Dammit!
J:  Are you OK?  What's wrong?
G:  Oh, I dropped my head.
J:  Uh, I see.  Are you OK?
G:  Yeah...um, you were saying?
J:   There are a couple of little catches under the executioner's block.  Flip them and you should be able to lift the blade.
G:  Thanks a lot.  I've been stuck like this for about half a day until I remembered about your 800 number.
(hangs up)

15:00
Josephine:  Hello, you have reached Magic Co.'s Helpline.  How may I be of service?
Man:  Listen, I'm having trouble with your Wringer Illusion.
J:  Could you give me the serial number please?
Man:  G-005a 334
J:  The G series?  Didn't you get the recall notice we sent?
Man:  Er...
J:  You did, didn't you?
Man.  Well...yes.
J:  And you ignored it, just like everyone else, right?
Man:  Yes.
J:  And, as always, your assistant is the one suffering for it.  Let me guess, you flattened her out, and now you can't restore her?
Man:  That's right.  Is she OK?
J:  She'll be fine.  The G series just tends to squash people a little too thin and is unable to restore them.
Man:  So what now?
J:  Well, unfortunately for your assistant, the only place that can make her 3D again is our factory in Kansas City.
Man:  Kansas City?  I live in San Diego!  I have to drive her across the country to fix her?
J:  You heartless jerk!  She wasn't the one who ignored our recall!  And you're not the one who looks like a cardboard cut-out now!  I may be out of line here, but I don't think you're the one who should be complaining.
Man:  (Pause)  I'm sorry.  That was rude of me.  I'll take off for KC in the morning...no, tonight.
J:  Well, that probably isn't necessary.  You could mail her to us.
Man:  What?
J:  Fold her up and slip her into a manila envelope.  Our address is on the wringer instructions.  
Man:  But she'll be stuck in an envelope!  She'll be miserable.
J:  No, when they're that flat, they don't feel a thing.  She really is little more than a paper doll now.
Man:  But she'll be OK?  I mean, I just drop her in a mailbox?
J: No, take her to the post office and send her via registered mail.  We'll have her repaired within a week.  Of course, she probably won't want to be mailed back, so you might want to drop a check for a bus ticket in the envelope with her.
Man:  Better make it a plane ticket.  I'm going to have a lot to make up for when she finds out what happened.
J:  Now is your assistant just your assistant or do you have more than a professional relationship?
Man:  Er, we're just friends.  Why?
J:  Can you make her excuses for her, as to why she's gone?
Man:  Yeah, no sweat.
J:  In the mean time, we'll overnight you some new rollers so that this won't happen again.  We'll have your assistant... what was her name?
Man:  Cindy.
J:  We'll have Cindy back to you in a week, if you mail her tomorrow.
Man:  Ah, uh...
J:  Something else?
Man:  Well, it's just that Cindy and I have a couple of shows this week, and without her I don't have much of an act.
J:  I see.  Do you only use Magic, Co. products in your act?
Man:  Yes, actually.  We've never had any trouble before.
J:  Well, if you like we can arrange a temporary assistant for the week.  Here at Magic Co., we stand behind our customers.
Man:  That's great!  You have employees here in California?  
J:  No, we'll just ship her along with the wringers.
Man:  You mean...?
J:  Yes.  So don't waste any time fixing the wringer, I'm sure she'll want to get back to normal ASAP.
Man:  Thanks a lot.  Well, I better go mail Cindy.
(hangs up)

15:46
Josephine:  Hello, this the Magic Co.'s helpline.  How may we be of service?
Man:  Yeah, I recently incorporated your Double Sawing illusion into my act.
J:  Yes?
Man:  Well, I was using it on my assistant and a volunteer from the audience...
J:  You used it on an audience member?  What were you thinking?
Man:  Apparently I wasn't...
J:  Sorry, we are not legally liable for anything that happens with our tricks...
Man:  No!  It's not like that.  Just the opposite actually.
J:  How so?
Man:  Well, I sawed the both in half, and then switched them.  The girl from the audience was shocked, obviously, but not panicking, so I decided not to restore them until after the act...you know, for effect.
J:  So what's the problem?
Man:  They don't want to change back.  They like their new lower halves.
J:  Excuse me?
Man:  My assistant thinks her legs our prettier now and the audience woman likes her new rear.
J:  You know, every day at this job I swear I've heard it all, but you magic boys always prove me wrong.
Man:  So they want to know if it would be safe to make it a permanent change.  They're similarly complected, you really wouldn't notice.
J:  Well, no, there'd be no trouble.  You might want to keep in contact with the girl who has your assistant's legs, just in case one of them regrets any of this someday.
Man:  OK.  Bye.
(hangs up)

17:20
Josephine:  Hello, you have reached Magic Co.'s helpline.  How may we be of service?
Woman:  Hi, listen, my husband and I are having some serious difficulties with your Transportation Cabinets.  
J:  OK, just tell me exactly what happened.
Woman:  Well, we were practicing and things were going great, right?  I stepped into the red cabinet, he stepped into the blue one.  Then, I step out of the blue one, just like the trick is supposed to go, right?  But when my husband stepped out of the red cabinet, he wasn't my husband anymore.
J:  What do you mean, he wasn't your husband anymore?
Woman:  Well, his mind is the same, I guess, but his body...well...now he looks exactly like Lana, his assistant from a few years back.  I mean, he's exactly like her.  He's really freaking out now.  Can you help change him back into a man?
J:  Don't worry, occasionally the Transportation Cabinets will revert to a previous body.  Just send him through again and he'll turn back to normal.
Woman:  Oh.
J:  You sound disappointed.
Woman:  Well, I didn't know it was so easy to change him back.  I had kind of resigned myself to having him, or should I say 'her,' in this new body for a while.
J:  Sorry to disappoint you.  He can change back as soon as he wants.
Woman:  Then again, there's no law that says I have to tell him.  I guess I could say you told me it will be a while before you can help him...say, three weeks.
J:  Now hold on!  This may be funny from your point of view, but your poor husband must be going through hell.  This is no time to play games.
Woman:  I think I know my husband better than you do.  As long as he knows nothing is permanent, he'll be okay.  
J:  I really don't see what you expect to accomplish by doing this.
Woman:  I just wanted him to see the other side of life.  It won't kill him, when it's all over, I bet he won't even regret it.
J:  Well, officially, I have to say that what you are doing is very, very wrong.  But...
Woman:  Yes?
J:  Personally, I'd really appreciate it if you called me when it's over and tell me what happened.  You're right, this does sound like fun.
Woman: (laughs)  OK, sure.
J:  Be sure and ask for Josephine.
(hangs up)

20:12
Josephine:  Hi, you have reached Magic Co.'s helpline.  How may I be of service?
Man:  I'm in a lot of trouble.
J:  Calm down, what's happened?
Man:  Well, I was practicing the Mismade Girl illusion on my assistant.  I took her apart, restacked the boxes in the wrong order, and now I can get them apart again!  She's all mixed up and I can't right her!
J:  Calm down, sir, it's not as bad as you think.  First of all, what order is she in now?
Man:  Uh, top box, lower legs and feet.  Second box,  chest, shoulders, and upper arms.  Third box, head.  Bottom box, stomach, hips, hands, and upper legs.
J:  OK.  Now, this could have happened for any number of reasons.  Are you sure the boxes are properly aligned?
Man:  Yes, yes.
J:  OK, are you sure the box isn't caught on something?  You know, a lot of times...
Man:  No, I've been over the box a thousand times.  I can't find anything wrong.
J:  Well, what is she wearing?
Man:  Wearing?  Well, actually, it's a partial suit of armor she picked up at the renaissance festival.  We have a medieval theme to our act and...
J:  Armor?  As in iron?
Man:  Yes...
J:  You know, Mismade only comes with a six page instruction book.  It always surprises me how few people actually bother to read it.
Man:  What do you mean?
J:  Read page four, from the top.
Man:  Er, OK..."The locking mechanism is powered by a magnetic current.  Under no circumstances should you allow your assistant to have on her person any item constructed of a non-magnetic resistant metal, as it may interfere with the trick's operation."  Oh.
J:  There, you see?  That armor is screwing up the magnetic field, which is keeping the boxes stuck in place.
Man:  So what do I do?
J:  Just get rid of the armor.
Man:  But I can't get rid of it, with her in that state!
J:  Well, you won't be able to remove it the normal way.  Do you have a set of bolt cutters?
Man:  Well, yes..
J:  See, no sweat.  Just be careful that you don't pinch her.
Man:  No, you don't understand.  She's not wearing anything underneath.
J:  Really?  Doesn't that chafe?
Man:  There's underwear, but it's sewed into the metal part.  I take off the armor and, well...you know...
J:  I take it you two aren't romantically involved.
Man:  Well, not that I wouldn't...I mean...yes, just friends.
J:  Does she have any female friends in the area you could call?
Man:  No, we're both kind of new to the area.
J:  Well, it looks like you don't have much choice.  Just be mature adults and you can both deal with this.
Man:  Uh....OK.  Thanks.
(hangs up)
Note:  I'm sure the tech guys could have thought of some way around this problem, but you have to admit my idea sounds funner.  That guy was such a nervous wreck he'd probably never get the nerve to ask her out otherwise.--J

21:02
Josephine:  Hi, you've reached Magic Co.'s helpline.  How may I be of service?
Man:  Yes, my name is Charles Schwartzman, from the law firm of West, Wilmarth, and Mason.  I was wondering if you could help me.
J:  I'll sure try.
Charles:  I am the executor of the estate of a Miss Erika Levine.  It is my job to catalogue the contents of her estate, and their possible values.  While examining her possessions I came across a couple of rather interesting objects.
J:  What were they?
Charles:  Well, the first was an unusual machine which was labeled as 'The Wringer.'  I can't make out what it is, but it had your company's name on in, so I thought I'd call you.  Tell me, do you think it could fetch a decent price secondhand?
J:  I suppose so.  If you're selling it, try advertising on the Internet on stage magic related sites.  Now what was the other object you mentioned?
C:  Hmmm?  Oh, nothing of importance, I'm sure.  I found it inside this 'Wringer' device.  It appears to be a two sided photo of Ms. Levine.  A prop, I suppose...
J:  Oh my dear God!
C:  What?  What is it?  Is something wrong?
J:  Yes, something's wrong.  Mr. Schwartzman, listen to me very carefully.  I need you to tell me all the specifics of this case.
C:  I'm really not at liberty...
J:  Please, sir.  Your client may be in very serious trouble and you are the only one who can help her.
C:  (pause)  OK, if you're that concerned...let's see.  Ms. Ericka Levine, aged 27 years.  Profession, stage magician.  Last heard from, June 30, 2002.  She had no living relatives.  As her lawyer, it has been my job to look after her property until such time as she surfaces or is proven deceased.  She has no cash holdings and her landlord and creditors are threatening legal action.  I'm trying to sell off some of her possessions to cover her debts and move the rest of her things to storage.  What is this all about, anyway?
J:  Listen, Ms. Levine is in danger and you are the only one who can help her.
C:  I've been trying to locate her for months.  If you have any idea where she is...
J:  Just follow my instructions.  Can you get to The Wringer and stay on the line?
C:  Sure, I'm on my cellular.  Hang on.  (pause)  OK, now what?
J:  I want you to take out the 'cutout' of Ms. Levine.
C:  OK.  I wonder what she used the prop for.  And why did she want a picture of herself in such a skimpy costume?  Publicity no doubt.
J:  Do you have the cutout in your hand?
C:  Yes....uh, you know, this doesn't really feel like a photo...it almost feels like...
J:  Yeah, yeah, I know.  Now push the button on The Wringer marked 'on,' then flip the switch to 3D.
C:  OK.  (nervously) Hey, what's going on here?  I'm not sure I like this...
J:  Are you single?
C:  Excuse me?
J:  Are you married?  Or seeing anyone?
C:  Not at the moment...
J:  Well, then you just might end up enjoying this.  Now take Ms. Levine's head and insert it into the rollers from the outside.
C:  Now what?
J:  Turn the crank.
C:  Um, OK.  It's all the way through.  Now what?
J:  Open the lid.
C:  Open the (pause) Sweet merciful Christ!  (sound of phone being dropped)
Woman:  Thank God!  What took you so long?
C:  I, it was (inaudible)
Woman:  Jesus, I've been (static) so long.  What month it is?
C:  April.  How (inaudible)
Woman:  ...seem like that long (static) being asleep.  Give me a hand here.  God, I'm so...
(call disconnects)
Note:  Out of all our tricks, people get into the most trouble with The Wringer.  I hope Ericka feels that getting to know Mr. Schwartzman better was worth the experience.--J

00:01
H.P.:  This is Howard Phillips.  How may I help you?
Josephine:  Hey, boss.  This is Jo, I'm just signing off for the night.
H.P.:  Anything interesting?
J:  The usual.  Oh, another Wringer malfunction.  She should be arriving in the mail tomorrow or the next day.
H.P.:  Will they never learn?  I'll warn the lab.
J:  One more thing.  He needs a new assistant.  Is Stephanie free?
H.P.:  She's on her honeymoon, remember?
J:  Oh, right.  Is it the law that the magician and the assistant always end up getting married?
H.P.:  It sure seems to work out that way.  
J:  Well, how about Kari?  Or Elle?
H.P.:  Kari left for South Dakota in yesterday's mail.  And we're still trying to locate Elle's lower half.
J:  Still?
H.P.:  She's being a good sport about it.
J:  Well, then nobody's left.
H.P.:  Oh, I can think of one pretty woman who's still available.
J:  Who?
H.P.:  (laughs)
J:  Oh, you don't mean...I've never done that before!
H.P.:  But you know how the trick works.
J:  You can't expect me to get flattened and then sent off to the coast!
H.P.:  I can't make you do anything against your will.  But there is the thousand-dollar Wringer bonus...and aren't you just a little curious?
J:  (sigh).  Maybe.
H.P.  Call Chet at the lab.  He'll get you fixed up.
J:  OK.  Wish me luck.
H.P.:  Good luck.  You'll do fine.
(hangs up)


If you have any comments or suggestions, please send me an e-mail.  And if you would like to hear the complete story behind any of these calls, let me know.

Czolgolz
[email protected]